My affliction (mental and physical)

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic
Sometimes I feel a lot. Sometimes I don't. Either way, I write the words instead of speaking them.

Submitted: November 09, 2018

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Submitted: November 09, 2018

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How is this ever going to work if we're both so fucking terrified?

Let me explain, let me clarify:

I'm the one that can't take it

Just touching you would mean this is reality

That you, still being here, isn't just a formality

That you're an actual human being with thoughts and feelings.

That when you say to me, 'I'll never leave.' you're telling the truth.

You're not lying.

So, why don’t I believe it?

Why is there that shitty little voice in the back of my head

Saying that it's all fake.

That lying in your bed is just a dream

This is all just a dream I'm not even awake

You don't actually care for me.

You're here for you.

You're doing what you want to do

Why don't I believe it when you say

In the dark of that night

In a whispered kind of way

'I love you too'?

Why am I so afraid?

Maybe In some way I want to believe that you don't fully understand.

There are so many things wrong with me,

Its better if you don't understand the gravity.

Because if you did, why would you still be here?

Here at 12am lying in my car

Watching the stars and the moonlight fall

A lake amidst the forest

A realist and an artist

Trying to sympathize with the madness in my mind

But If you could see into my head

See the anxieties of what I wish I said

Would you would still love me?

Maybe you could fix me some way…

Fill a hole I didnt know was vacant

But I'll always be terrified that you'll leave

That you'll wake up one day

You'll realize that I'm not good enough for you.

You'll give up and run away

I'm so fucking terrified

Of you being real

Of all these feelings being real

Because you may be feeling it now

But it could all decay

And you'll wish you still loved me like yesterday.

-

And you.

You're terrified of being my one and only.

Of not being good enough

The pressure of me loving you solely

Tormented by the thought of one of us leaving one day

Ending with both of us broken and apart

The mere possibility of a separation

Ending in desperation, an abdication from me

You're terrified of a future of pain

A future where you're alone and without love

Where I am gone and where nothing will ever be the same.

But above all, above everything we are

And everything I wish and I hope that we one day will be,

Above all, you're scare that you're not good enough for me

You're afraid that I will find someone better

That I'll have a need for someone who has their life put together

But you let that fear drive you insane

You keep that fear. You let it build up

You let it boil inside until its spilling out of your picture frame.

You let it control who you are

You cant just let it go

Its become who you are

You don't remember who you were 2 years ago

-

I love you through all of this.

Through all the fear that we both feel.

Its like diving head first into an abyss

Im afraid and confused in a darkness surreal

Why can't love just be enough?

Why can't we just move past it all and just be together?

You're addicted to me and my love

And that's somehow supposed to last forever

All these feelings I feel, in my mind has been crucified

How is this supposed to work if we're both so fucking terrified?


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