The Valley of the Tools Episode 20

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

On Election Night 2018, Rob hosts a watching party for CA-25 candidate Katie Hill and things quickly go awry, McKenzie & Kevin get in a fight over Kevin's cynicism at the KDL watch party in East LA and Miles, Evelyn and Luther celebrate too much at Miles' club.







“Goldaline, my dear, we will fold and freeze together, far away from here, there is sun and spring and green forever, but now we move to feel ourselves inside some stranger’s stomach”

  • Jeff Mangum


(We open on a shot of Rob’s TV, which is playing KTLA local news, with Mark Mester)


MARK: Good morning, Angelenos, today’s the day that we’ve been waiting for since 728 days ago when Donald Trump was elected President. No, I’m not talking about election day 2020, that’s still 727 days away. We live in Hell, I know. But tonight will determine whether President Trump will have a congress he can work with for the last two years of his first term. (Cut to Rob watching TV in his robe while eating Cheerios out of a pot) Will Democrats take the House, or even the Senate? Or will they shit the bed once again? Will Democrats have traumatic flashbacks to Election Night 2016? Will Xanax prescriptions shoot through the roof? We’ll see, tonight.


ROB: I wonder if it’s too late to start a write-in campaign for CA-25. (Rob gets a call and answers it) Hello?


LILLY: (On the phone) Hey. I’m going to vote at lunch, you want to meet me at the elementary school?


ROB: I’m actually not allowed to go within 500 feet of an elementary school, so-


LILLY: Wait, what!?


ROB: Lilly, I’m kidding!


LILLY: Oh. (Sigh) Don’t scare me like that.


ROB: I appreciate your faith in me.


LILLY: Remember, you need to prepare for the party tonight. You’ve been putting it off.


ROB: I can’t believe I agreed to do it.


LILLY: You had to preserve your reputation when you dropped out.


ROB: I know, but it’s not enough to support Katie Hill for my seat, I have to throw a PARTY for her?!


LILLY: It’s not YOUR seat!! It’s Steve Knight’s seat, and if we can’t beat a Republican in LA County, we may be screwed!


(Rob shrugs)


ROB: I guess. I’ll get party stuff.


LILLY: Alright. See you at the elementary school.


ROB: You gonna sell the kids fruit-flavored menthols?


LILLY: Fuck you.


(Lilly hangs up)


ROB: Lilly! (Rob puts away his phone) It was all in good fun.


(Cut to Rob and Lilly in a long line to vote, going out the door of an elementary school gym. A tanned, latte-toting Angeleno couple are in front of them)


ANGELENO: I cannot wait for Democrats to take the House and impeach President Drumpf for treason!

MALE ANGELENO: I know, Robert Mueller is going to spank Agent Orange in front of the whole world!


ANGELENO: Spank him so hard!


MALE ANGELENO: Oh, spank him gooood!


LILLY: You guys are freaking me out.


(Cut to Rob entering a voting booth. Rob bubbles in “Dianne Feinstein” for U.S. Senate)


ROB: You’re my girl, Dianne. (Rob selects Tony Cardenas for CA-29 House Representative, Gavin Newsom for Governor, Ed Hernandez for Lt. Governor, Alex Padilla for Secretary of State, Xavier Becerra for Attorney General, Fiona Ma for Treasurer and Betty Yee for controller) Superintendent for public institution? There’s no parties here, just two non-partisan candidates. Tony Thurmond and Marshall Tuck. I guess Marshall is a cool name. (Rob votes for Marshall Tuck, then Ricardo Lara for Insurance Commissioner, Adrin Nazarian for State Assembly and Bob Hertzberg for State Senate) Christ, how much longer is this thing?


(Cut to Rob and Lilly leaving the elementary school, which still has a line going out the door)


LILLY: Well, I’m going to be extremely late getting back.


ROB: If they give you shit for it, let me handle them.


LILLY: I’m good, but, thanks for the offer.


(Rob and Lilly arrive at their respective cars)


ROB: I will take your boss down, one punch, no explanation, no words exchanged.


(Lilly smirks)


LILLY: I’ll help you the watch party after I get off.


ROB: Alright. Is everything okay?


LILLY: It’s just…that joke you made earlier.


(Rob sighs and takes out a cigarette)


ROB: What about it?


(Rob lights it and exhales)


LILLY: I didn’t think it was very funny. We don’t market to children.


ROB: That’s why it’s a joke, babe. You don’t think maybe you’re sensitive about that because you feel guilty?


(Lilly scoffs)


LILLY: You sold misogyny and body shaming for four years, yet you’re gonna shame me? And what about the little shits at home smoking because they want to look like you!?


(Rob takes a drag)


ROB: I’m not shaming you. I just wish you had stayed in the industry. I don’t care that you sell tobacco, I just think your talents are being wasted.


LILLY: Well. I made my decision.


(Rob nods)


ROB: That you did.


LILLY: See you then.


ROB: See ya.


(Rob and Lilly get in their cars. Cut to McKenzie walking down a neighborhood street with Kevin lethargically trailing behind with sunglasses and a lit cigarette hanging out of his mouth. They’re both holding clipboards with “KEVIN DE LEON- U.S. SENATE” stickers on them)


MCKENZIE: Alright, we just gotta hit forty houses urging them to vote before the watch party, sound good?


KEVIN: Kenz, slow down.


MCKENZIE: Can’t slow down, every slowed step is a vote lost!


KEVIN: Kenz, hold on!


(Kevin steps in front of McKenzie)


MCKENZIE: Do you need another break?


KEVIN: I need to go back to bed, is what I need.


MCKENZIE: Come on, it’s just a few dozen blocks!

KEVIN: Kenz, KDL’s never led in a poll. He’s never been fewer than eight points behind!


MCKENZIE: We have to get the unlikely voters to come out for KDL!


KEVIN: Yeah, the unlikely voters in Palmdale! I see a lotta dusty farmers walking around!


(McKenzie sighs)


MCKENZIE: Do you mind? We have a lot of blocks to hit.


KEVIN: What keeps you going?


MCKENZIE: The drive to defeat corrupt, complicit Dianne Feinstein. Also, this morning, cocaine.


(McKenzie zooms past Kevin. Cut to McKenzie and Kevin walking up to a door and knocking on it. An old woman answers the door)



MCKENZIE: Hi, I’m McKenzie and this is Kevin from the De Leon for Senate campaign, and-


OLD WOMAN: I’m writing in “Brett Kavanaugh”, okay? You know why?


KEVIN: I’d love to know why, yes.


OLD WOMAN: Because you ruined that poor man’s life! Go to Hell!

(The old woman slams the door. McKenzie is shook)


KEVIN: …Thanks, have a good one!


(McKenzie turns around and starts walking away. Cut to McKenzie and Kevin waiting in line to vote at a local recreation center. The line is out the door)


MCKENZIE: People were so rude today.


KEVIN: Do you think Brett Kavanaugh could get elected?


MCKENZIE: Wouldn’t he have to resign as a Supreme Court Justice?


KEVIN: Yeah, I’m beginning to think she didn’t think this through.


MCKENZIE: I just don’t understand why people love Feinstein so much.


KEVIN: it’s not love, it’s just familiarity. It’s the same reason I’m dating you still.


(McKenzie punches Kevin in the arm)


MCKENZIE: Shut up. (McKenzie huffs) It’s not impossible De Leon could pull it out.


KEVIN: It also wouldn’t really matter. They’re not that different on policy, Kenz.


MCKENZIE: Why can’t I believe in something like Texas or Georgia people? Huh? I want my own Beto!


KEVIN: I could get you a dog named Beto, if you wanted.


MCKENZIE: Oh… (McKenzie hugs up on Kevin) please do.


(Cut to Miles hanging red, white and blue banners across the front of the bar at Shortsight. Rob comes in)


ROB: That seems uncharacteristically kitschy for you, Miles.


MILES: Oh, don’t worry. (Miles goes around the counter and takes out a stuffed rabbit wearing a top hat and monocle and bearing an “I VOTED” sticker) I still don’t know what it means, but it means.


(Rob winks and jumps over the bar)


ROB: Expecting a big election turn-out?


MILES: To the bar? Oh, sure. Lotta gays want to watch the election, but not really pay attention and just dance instead.


ROB: Cool, cool. I won’t be around, because I have to host a watch party for Katie Hill, so-


MILES: Yeah, why is that again?


ROB: After I dropped out, in order to show my loyalty to the party, I had to promise to support the eventual nominee, and I guess that includes hosting an election night party for her.


MILES: But, why?!


ROB: I don’t know, I was really drunk when I agreed to it. Or, so I assume, because I don’t remember agreeing to it.




ROB: Yeah, I need kegs and I need to borrow your mummy strippers, if that’s okay.


MILES: Yeah, those are all in the storage room.


ROB: Cool. (Rob walks over and opens the storage room. A few mummy strippers come out) I need you guys.


MUMMY STRIPPER: Shit, how long have we been in there!?


(Cut to Rob and Lilly moving Rob’s couch over to the wall)


ROB: Okay- do you got it?


LILLY: Yes! You can see that, right?


ROB: Just move it back-


LILLY: Okay.


(Rob and Lilly move it against the wall)


ROB: Down. (They put it down) Alright, great that gives us enough room for keg stands.


LILLY: Cool, sounds good- keg stands?!



(A group of burly men dolly in kegs)


LILLY: Oh my-


ROB: I hope Katie likes King’s Cup too.


LILLY: Rob, this is not a frat party, this is a watch party for a potential member of Congress!


ROB: She’s like eight years younger than me! If she’s not hip enough to be down with a little heavy drinking- (Rob hands the burly men money as they funnel out) then that’s just sad, I mean, I bet she expects me to hold her legs while she does the keg stand too, huh?


LILLY: What is she supposed to be, a gymnast!? (Lilly rolls her eyes) Whatever, let’s just turn on the TV, first polls close in a few minutes.


(Rob nods as Lilly flips on the TV)


ROB: Cool. I’ll tell the mummy strippers they should wait in the van until Katie gets here.


(Rob walks outside as Lilly shakes her head. Cut to a shirtless Miles behind the bar at Shortsight attaching tassels to his nipples and trying to shake them around. They’re not going in a concentric circle)


MILES: Come on. (He tries again and fails) It’s what I get for getting off-brand-ass nipple tassels.


(Luther and Evelyn walk up to the bar and sit down)


LUTHER: I’m glad you’re proud of your body.


MILES: Hey! Moonlight, haven’t seen you in a minute!

LUTHER: I get my last name is Moon, but isn’t it sort of racist to call me Moonlight?


MILES: You’re a black guy in a gay bar, what can I say?


(Luther shrugs)


LUTHER: Fair enough.


(Luther fist bumps with Miles)


EVELYN: Hello, Miles.


LUTHER: Have you met my homegirl Evelyn, Miles?


MILES: Yeah, I remember seeing your gorgeous figure once or twice.


EVELYN: It’s fascinating how non-creepy that sounds coming from a gay guy.


MILES: Do you guys want drinks?


LUTHER: Sure. (Luther looks up at the TV, which is tuned to CNN. Results show Joe Donnelly trailing Mike Braun in the Indiana Senate race by twenty points) And make ‘em strong, holy shit.


(Miles starts mixing drinks)


MILES: Yeah, it’s not great so far.


EVELYN: We just have to wait for those Indianapolis hipsters to come in and save the day.


(Miles serves Luther and Evelyn two screwdrivers)


LUTHER: I’m getting 2016 PTSD.


MILES: Trust me, my dude, I wouldn’t be surprised if Republicans somehow expanded their majority in the House and defeated Hillary Clinton again.


EVELYN: No, that’s for two years from now.


(Luther shudders as he sips his drink)


LUTHER: How about this? We take a shot every time there’s a Democratic gain. Because there might not be many tonight.


EVELYN: Democratic gain in what? House? Senate? Governor’s mansions?


(Luther shrugs)


LUTHER: Fuck it. All three!


MILES: I’m down. (Miles pulls a daquiri from under the bar) To those perpetual losers, the Democratic Party!

(Miles, Luther and Evelyn clink their glasses and drink)


EVELYN: We may have spoken too soon, McGrath leads Barr in Kentucky’s 6th congressional district.


MILES: You say these names like you know who these people are.


LUTHER: I saw my congressman at a grocery store once. He was buying deli meat with some lobbyist.


MILES: In a grocery store?


LUTHER: Yeah, what of it?


MILES: Did Whitney let you guys off early?




MILES: That was nice of her.


LUTHER: Oh, she didn’t do it out of the kindness of her heart. We lied and told her we hadn’t voted yet.


MILES: Oh, wow.


EVELYN: In reality, I desired companionship with my partner.


(Evelyn puts her arm around Luther)


LUTHER: Just me and my-


EVELYN: Watch it.


LUTHER: Sorry. (Luther points in the air) Rest in peace, Biggie.


MILES: So, life under Whitney’s rule is pretty soul-crushing, huh?


LUTHER: Shit, your ass would know.


MILES: I do. You take a shit, and Whitney takes credit.


EVELYN: Why would she want credit for that?


MILES: I’m just saying, that girl’s on a power trip. I’m surprised you guys don’t jump ship.


LUTHER: It’s not that bad. We’re in the industry and that’s the goal, right?


EVELYN: Even if you’re the lowest bootlicker in the industry and your job is pick corns off the feet of background actors, it’s better than not being in the industry.


LUTHER: Exactly- well. Actually, that’s not what I’m saying.


MILES: Sometimes you gotta start your own thing. Let the industry people come to you.


LUTHER: I tried that for years. All it got me was scurvy from eating so much ramen off damn a frisbee.


EVELYN: It makes me glad I spent all those years contributing to society instead.


MILES: Do I look like I’m eating ramen off a frisbee? (A mummy stripper comes over and starts cleaning glasses) I mean, this guy probably does. But.


EVELYN: Nice poverty shaming.


MUMMY STRIPPER: I do fine for myself, thanks.


EVELYN: Hush, you’re poor.

(The mummy sighs and walks away)


LUTHER: I’ve seen both sides. My daddy was rich for a while. Then he got busted. My momma couldn’t support us too good.


MILES: He got busted for what?


(Luther gives Miles a look)


EVELYN: Trafficking in narcotics.


(Luther glares at Evelyn)


LUTHER: Eve, the look was supposed to say that.


EVELYN: …My apologies.


(Miles glances toward the TV)


MILES: Bernie got re-elected.


LUTHER: No shit. Tell me when Florida comes in. My man Gillum about to fuck the game up.


(Cut to Rob, Lilly and a dozen political operatives with their eyes glued on the TV)


ANCHOR: (OS) Governor Rick Scott leads Senator Bill Nelson by 11 points in the Florida Senate race. Ron DeSantis leads Andrew Gillum 52-46% in the Florida Governor’s race.


ROB: Oh, Christ, my nerves are coming back, get me a shot!

(Lilly pours Rob a shot and he takes it)


LILLY: The blue counties are going to come in and save- oh fuck, I said that two years ago, didn’t I?


ROB: Get me a cigarette.


(Lilly takes out a carton of American Spirits and hands Rob a cigarette. Ben Steinberger, Katie Hill’s campaign manager, walks in)


BEN: Robert?


(Rob stands up)


ROB: Oh! You must be Ben.


(Rob extends his hand and Ben shakes it)


BEN: Can I talk to you a second?


ROB: Sure. Anything to get away from this.


(Cut to Rob and Ben on the balcony. Rob is smoking)


BEN: Mrs. Hill is going to be here any moment.


ROB: Good. I’m excited. I would’ve voted for her, but I don’t live in her district.


BEN: Didn’t you run for Congress in her district?


ROB: Well. Yeah. But I also played a Marine on a reality show once. But I’ve never served a day in the Marines. (Rob takes a drag) Politics is just theatre, surely you know that.


BEN: Rob. There are some things we need to change before Mrs. Hill arrives.


ROB: Listen, if you want coke, I know a ton of guys-


BEN: We need the strippers and kegs gone.


(Rob furrows his brow. Cut to inside, where a campaign operative named Raylin speaking with Lilly, cocktails in hand)


RAYLIN: I can’t believe Donnelly is losing so badly.


LILLY: He’s been spending the last few weeks convincing voters Republican policies are right. So weird how they would then vote for the Republican.


RAYLIN: What’s he gonna do? Run as a liberal in Indiana?


LILLY: You’re right. Maybe chopping wood in his ad wasn’t enough. He should’ve strangled a deer with his bare hands to prove he’s “manly” enough to represent Indiana.


(Raylin clears her throat uncomfortably)


RAYLIN: So, what do you do?


LILLY: …I’m in marketing.


RAYLIN: Oh. Like a, ad agency?


LILLY: Not- not really. It’s in-house.


RAYLIN: For who?


(Lilly grinds her teeth)


LILLY: …Reynolds.


RAYLIN: …Wrap? (Lilly shakes her head “no”) …Tobacco, huh? Yeah, you’re clearly better than Joe Donnelly.


(Raylin walks away. Lilly stares forward. Cut to Ben and Rob on the balcony as Rob throws his cigarette butt off the balcony)


ROB: I offered you guys my home as a good-will gesture after I dropped out. That doesn’t mean you can come in and start making demands!


BEN: Mrs. Hill is soon going to be a Congresswoman. What if tapes leak to the press where she’s surrounded by mummy strippers and kegs?!


ROB: People would think she’s fucking awesome!


(Raylin comes in)


RAYLIN: Why do we have a tobacco marketing executive here?


(Ben turns to Raylin)


BEN: What?


ROB: She’s my girlfriend, so what?


RAYLIN: Katie Hill doesn’t take corporate PAC money, Mr. Altmire.


ROB: You think my girlfriend’s gonna give you money?


RAYLIN: Oh, and another thing, you can’t have a 1,000 dollar a plate sign out there!


ROB: I provided those pizza rolls for everybody! And if they want to donate to my future run for Congress in exchange for that, then that’s great! And required!


BEN: Rob, you need to-


(We hear people cheer. Pan over to the living room, where Katie Hill has just entered)


ROB: Too late now, huh?


(Ben and Raylin shake their heads as they walk into the living room, followed by Rob)


KATIE: Hi everyone!


(Rob shakes Katie’s hand)

ROB: Welcome to my home, Congresswoman- oh! Listen to me getting ahead of myself.


(Katie laughs)


KATIE: I like him!


(Raylin rolls her eyes as the partygoers chuckle. Lilly walks over)


LILLY: Hi, I’m Rob’s girlfriend for now.


(Katie laughs and shakes Lilly’s hand)


KATIE: Oh, don’t worry, girl, I’m married.


LILLY: Oh, I’m not concerned about you.


(Rob smirks as Ben steps in)


BEN: Guess where Lilly works?


KATIE: Where?


ROB: Uhhh, do you want a beer?


(Katie glances at the TV)


KATIE: Looking at how things are in Indiana, I’d love one.


ROB: Great.


(Katie follows Rob. Ben crosses his arms. Cut to Kevin’s car. Kevin is pulling into a parking lot with McKenzie in the passenger’s seat. Both are dressed up)


NPR: NPR now projects that Jennifer Wexton has defeated Barbara Comstock in Virginia’s 10th. This is the first House pick-up for the Democrats.

MCKENZIE: Why do I get the sinking feeling that this’ll be the only one?


(McKenzie takes a nervous drag off her Juul)


KEVIN: Because Democrats blow. I bet they’ll somehow manage to lose the Senate race in California.


(Kevin pulls the parking brake and they both get out of the car. They walk toward a convention center where pro-Trump protestors are planted outside, holding signs that read “FEINSTEIN IS A GLOBALIST SOROS-BACKED PIZZAGATE FLOURIDE TOOTHPASTE TUBE” and “JAIL KDL FOR BEING AN ILLEGAL” and “MAKE CALIFORNIA GREAT AGAIN”)




(McKenzie and Kevin walk past these protestors as they yell things at them)




KEVIN: It’s pretty lucrative, thanks for asking!






MCKENZIE: Go fuck yourselves, you inbred jackals!


MAGA PROTESTOR: Shut the fuck up, you elitist cunt!


(McKenzie stops and walks towards them)




KEVIN: Kenz. Come on.


(Kevin puts his hand on her shoulder as the MAGA protestors cackle)


MCKENZIE: The future is female, you worthless asshole!


MAGA PROTESTOR: Oh, so, Hillary will win next time around then?


(They all laugh)


KEVIN: Kenz, come on, we have white enslavement to plan in there.


(McKenzie huffs and walks inside with Kevin. Cut to inside a fancy ball room. A smooth jazz quintet is playing 0on stage as De Leon campaign operatives dine and socialize. Two big projectors show CNN on huge screens. The CNN headline is “16 Dems lead in GOP Districts”. Cut to McKenzie ordering a drink from the bar as Kevin sits next to her. The bartender hands her a whiskey & coke)


MCKENZIE: Goddamn, those fucks get on my nerves.


KEVIN: They’re trying to provoke you.


MCKENZIE: Or maybe they’re just fucking assholes.


KEVIN: They’re both.


(McKenzie sighs)


MCKENZIE: Jesus, Kevin, how dispassionate can you be?


KEVIN: I’m not dispassionate, I just don’t want to feed the trolls.


MCKENZIE: Those TROLLS killed twelve people at a synagogue a week ago. We can’t afford to not respond to them.


KEVIN: It gives them oxygen.


MCKENZIE: Then you should’ve let me deprive them of it.


KEVIN: (To bartender) I’ll have a bottle of rum.


(The bartender nods and pours some rum into a glass. McKenzie throws back her drink)


MCKENZIE: Keep joking, Kevin, keep joking while fascists win! Again!

(McKenzie storms off as the bartender hands Kevin a glass of rum)


BARTENDER: I mean, it looks like we’re gonna take the House.


KEVIN: Well. I’m very confident Pelosi will do so many great things with her new majority.


BARTENDER: …You’re an asshole.


(The bartender stares at Kevin as he sips his drink)


KEVIN: …Thanks.


(Cut to McKenzie gabbing with cocktail-wielding KDL supporters Assemblyman Rob Bonta, Long Beach Mayor Robert Garcia and Chula Vista Mayor Mary Salas)


ASSEMBLYMAN BONTA: I can’t believe Donnelly is losing, those Russians really have it out for us.


MAYOR GARCIA: And now Gillum is losing?! The Russians just can’t leave Florida alone!

MCKENZIE: Are you sure it’s the Russians-


(They all turn toward McKenzie)



MAYOR SALAS: Mike Braun is a Russian! I have actionable intelligence that suggests Mike Braun was born in the Soviet Union circa 1945 as a love child of Stalin and Eva Braun!


ASSEMBLYMAN BONTA: That makes sense! Because of “Braun”!


MCKENZIE: Sorry, you think Stalin, who was fighting a war against Hitler, had an affair with Hitler’s girlfriend Eva Braun?


MAYOR SALAS: I’m just saying we should investigate it!

MCKENZIE: Shouldn’t we just consider the fact that Donnelly run as a Republican lite, and maybe that depressed Democratic turnout? I mean, even Gillum ran away from Medicare-for-All!

ASSEMBLYMAN BONTA: Well, Gillum’s losing, first because of the Russians- (They nod in agreement) and because everything Bernie Sanders touches turns to shit.


MAYOR SALAS: Plus, he’s a Russian agent.


(They all need in agreement, but McKenzie shakes her head)


MCKENZIE: Regardless. Even if we don’t get the Senate, which it looks like we won’t, we’ll still probably get the House. Imagine the things we can pass with that power!


MAYOR GARCIA: We can get that motherfucker’s taxes!

MAYOR SALAS: We can protect the Special Counsel!


MCKENZIE: You mentioned that already. I agree, we can do all that, but we can pass Medicare-for-All, a carbon tax, maybe a minimum wage hike-


MAYOR GARCIA: Nah, that’ll get through the Senate. Especially not if Rick Scott goes there.


MCKENZIE: Yeah, but for political reasons-


MAYOR SALAS: Hey! Let’s not stoop down to the GOP’s level! They voted to repeal ObamaCare 60 times and that was very uncivil of them!


ASSEMBLYMAN BONTA: When they go low, we stick our noses in the air and tisk-tisk at them.


(They all nod and agree. McKenzie sighs and knocks back her drink)


MCKENZIE: Can we at least find someone other than Pelosi to be Speaker?


(Their eyes go wide, and they start shaking their heads rapidly, almost frighteningly so. McKenzie backs away. Cut to Miles, Evelyn and Luther sitting at the bar, watching election results on TV as a dance party goes on behind them)


LUTHER: Man, Gillum really fucked the game up. And not in a good way.


EVELYN: Beto is leading, though.


MILES: It’s only, like, Dallas County that’s come in so far. And Hawley leads McCaskill in Missouri.


LUTHER: Shit, we’ve only taken one shot so far tonight.


CNN: (Offscreen) We project that Donna Shalala has won Florida’s 27th Congressional District! This is a Democratic pick-up.




(Miles pours three shots and gives them to Luther and Miles. They raise their shot glasses)


MILES: To, Barbara Shalalalala or whatever her name was!

EVELYN: Cheers!

(They clink their glasses, hit the table and take the shots)


LUTHER: Hmmm, that’s strong.


MILES: We only order the extra strength shit. (Miles takes out a bottle of pills) Speaking of, do you want these pills that aren’t prescribed to you?


LUTHER: I’m good, fam.


EVELYN: I’ll take them as long as they increase my stamina.


(Miles pours a few in his hands and gives them to Evelyn)


LUTHER: Babe, sure you can take those with alcohol?


MILES: They’re focus pills. I got the ADHD.


EVELYN: I possess a super-human ability to remain focused, but I can nonetheless afford to be more focused.


(Evelyn pops the pills)


MILES: Alriiiight!


EVELYN: Now I can focus even more on these results. Look at Kelly’s lead over Kobach in Kansas.


LUTHER: That racist motherfucker might lose? Shit, that calls for a celebratory shot!


MILES: Hold! Let’s wait until it’s called for the shot! Right now, though- SOMEONE GET US SOME MUMMIES!

(Luther and Evelyn cheer as three mummies come over and start giving them lap dances. Luther becomes uncomfortable)


LUTHER: Whoa. Bro. I ain’t know you like that.


MUMMY: It’s my job, do you want this or not?


LUTHER: Nah, I’m good.


(Mummy gets off of Luther)


EVELYN: Oh, you’re such a homophobe, Luther!

LUTHER: Homophobe?! I don’t have to be gay to be pro-gay, right?!


MILES: You’re in a gay bar, honey, gotta do something gay.


(Luther ponders this. Cut to Luther crowd-surfing through the club while wearing a tight pink t-shirt that reads “BE GAY. DO CRIMES”. He appears reluctant as people cheer)




MILES: (Offscreen) Guys, Cruz took the lead!


(The gays deflate and drop Luther as they turn toward the TV)




(Cut to Ryan Donahue and Alan Fleming watching election results in their new Plattsburgh, New York apartment)


ALAN: Shit, McCaskill is getting murdered.


RYAN: Murder? What murder? Who said anything about a murder?!


(Ryan quickly gets on his phone as Alan looks at him)


ALAN: You okay, bro?


RYAN: Totally fine.


(Alan furrows his brow and looks back at the TV)


ALAN: You been weird since Clarissa left you, bro.


(Cut to Ethan Donahue, Richard Sloane and Jennifer Cusick at a bar in Hansbay, watching election results on local news. Jennifer is cradling a three-week old child. The bar is decorated with “Hansbay GOP”, “Edelman 2018” and “Sloane 2018” signs)


ETHAN: Look at that, my good friend Mitt Romney is a Senator now. (Ethan pinches his child’s cheek) And maybe you could be in the Senate someday, huh, little Howard Roark Donahue? (Baby talk) Who’s gonna vote to supply bombs to Saudi Arabia? You are! That’s right, you are!


RICHARD: Can you focus?! Evan Alexander is kicking my ass!


ETHAN: Stop being dramatic, you’re two points down.


JENNIFER: Plus, Graves is losing to Ethan’s ex, who’s in the Green Party. That’s pretty hilarious.


ETHAN: Oh, God.


RICHARD: You don’t care because you know that if I go down, you become Chairman!


(Ethan shrugs)


ETHAN: I suppose it’s a silver lining, yeah.


(Richard gets up and storms off to the bathroom. Howard starts crying)


JENNIFER: Shhhhh- don’t worry about him, kiddo. He’s old money.


ETHAN: And we’re new.


(Ethan puts his arm around Jennifer. Cut to Lilly awkwardly holding Rob’s legs up as he does a keg stand. Everyone, including Katie Hill, are chanting “DRINK! DRINK! DRINK!” Rob finishes and Lilly puts him down. He raises his fists victoriously in the air)




KATIE: That was incredible!


ROB: You want to try?


KATIE: Oh, I don’t think I should-


ROB: Come on, get up here, Katie!


BEN: She said “no”.


(Rob puts his hands up)


ROB: Ease up, honcho! Just trying to shake the politics out of everyone.


(Raylin is checking her phone)


RAYLIN: Heitkamp lost. (Groans spread through the room) And Ted Cruz won.


(Everybody groans harder and shake their heads)


LILLY: So, the senate’s out of reach, right?


RAYLIN: Yes, though we’re on track for the House. Allred won, Davids won, Houlahan won, Delgado is leading. Even Steve King is behind.


ROB: Aw, so his supporters set up that cross for nothing.


BEN: Katie, could I talk to you for a second?


KATIE: Sure.


(Katie and Ben go into the next room. The rest of the party goes back to socializing and watching the results pour in on TV)


LILLY: Do you think they’re talking about me?


ROB: Maybe! Why’d you mention where you work?


LILLY: She asked! Do you want me to hide it?!


ROB: No- I just, I don’t know. Say you work in marketing!

LILLY: Tried that! Nevertheless, the bitch persisted.


ROB: Well, I hope they don’t-


(Ben walks over)


BEN: Hi. Rob, this is your house, so we don’t want to tell you who can be here, but Lilly, could I ask you a question?


LILLY: Your mouth’s still moving, so, I suppose you can. But don’t assume that’ll always be the case.


BEN: Have you posted about this party on social media?


LILLY: Yeah, I’ve tweeted at least a dozen times about this lame-ass election-watching party in The Valley- no of course, I haven’t.


BEN: Okay. Well. For the sake of Katie, try not to post about it or tell anyone you were here.


ROB: Hold up, what the hell is that all about?


BEN: Mrs. Hill doesn’t want people to think she’s being unduly influenced by tobacco executives, it’s nothing personal-


ROB: Well, it just GOT personal! (Rob walks past Ben and looks at Katie) With all due respect, Katie, if you have a problem with my girlfriend being here- bring that shit to ME-


LILLY: Rob, STOP IT! (Rob looks back at Lilly) I can fucking speak for myself. (Lilly walks over to Katie) Katie, I understand. But, next time, don’t send this dipshit- (Indicates to Ben) to deliver the news. (Lilly walks away and goes out to the balcony. Rob quickly rushes after her) LEAVE ME ALONE!

(Rob quickly heads back inside)


KATIE: Please don’t talk to me like that ever again. Who do you think you are?


ROB: Katie, I’m sorry, okay? I got carried away! (Rob sits on the arm of the couch) When I was running my campaign for California’s 25th-


RAYLIN: Yes, please regale us with this story.


ROB: I did everything myself. Hirings, firings, pay-offs, lay-offs, day-offs and gay-offs.


BEN: The fuck are gay-offs?


ROB: You’re clearly not from Hollywood if you don’t know.


KATIE: What’s your point, Robert?


ROB: We just have a difference in philosophy is all. (Rob stands up) I’m not saying one philosophy is better than the other, I’m just saying they’re different.


KATIE: Ah. Interesting. Well. Personally, my philosophy does not involve sleeping with my subordinates.  (Gasps) So you’ll excuse me if I stick to my personal philosophy.


(Katie sits down and watches the returns. Rob is stunned. Rob shakes his head and heads out onto the balcony. Dana Bash comes on CNN with a Key Race Alert)


DANA BASH: Key Race Alert right now- Tony Evers leads Scott Walker in the Wisconsin Governor’s race by one percent-


(Cut to Rob sidling up next to Lilly on the balcony)


ROB: Do you still want to be left alone?


(Rob places a cigarette in between his lips and lights it)


LILLY: …I don’t even care.


(Rob exhales smoke)


ROB: What do you mean?


LILLY: You stand there in judgement of me, when you’re puffing on a cigarette-


ROB: I’m not judging-


LILLY: And you can’t even trust me to speak up for myself-


ROB: Lilly, I have no doubt you’ll speak up for yourself. You do it all the time, I bet you’d talk back to Jesus if he came back-




ROB: I just wanted to show you that I’m on your side, even if you’re doing something that I think is a waste of your talents.


(Lilly chuckles)


LILLY: You can’t go any significant amount of time without insulting the person you’re talking to-


ROB: By saying you’re talented?!


LILLY: By saying I made the wrong decision.


(Rob ashes his cigarette)


ROB: I think you did. (Beat) Lilly, I turn forty next year. I wasted a huge chunk of my life at a Boston club, doing nothing.


LILLY: Well, thank God you’re now spending your time at a club in Los Angeles-


ROB: I’m working on it-


LILLY: Well, me too! (Lilly faces Rob) You think I want to do this forever? You think I don’t know how shitty it is? I do. (Beat) But, for the first time in a long time, I don’t have to worry about paying for food or gas or-


ROB: I would-


LILLY: WITHOUT the help of my boyfriend or of my parents. I’m not helpless.


(Rob puts out his cigarette)


ROB: …I understand. (Rob holds Lilly’s hand) I get it. (Lilly smirks) Let’s go back inside, huh?


(Lilly nods and they go back into the living room. Katie gets up)


KATIE: Rob, I’m sorry for what I said a minute ago, that was uncalled for-


ROB: It’s fine. We all flew off the handle.


(Katie nods)


KATIE: Yes. Election night nerves, I suppose.


ROB: Yep. (Beat) I can’t guarantee I won’t try to primary you in 2020 though.


KATIE: Excuse me?


WOLF BLITZER: We have a major projection. (Everyone glues their eyes to the TV. Wolf Blitzer is standing in front of a screen that reads “CNN Projection- DEMOCRATS TAKE CONTROL OF U.S. HOUSE”) CNN projects Democrats have taken control of the U.S. House of Representatives! (Everyone goes ape-shit, Rob and Lilly kiss, Katie Hill, Ben and Raylin hug) This is a very significant defeat for Mr. Trump- an historic accomplishment for the Democrats.


(Cut to McKenzie and Kevin sitting at the bar during the KDL election watch party. Everyone is cheering and hugging around them, popping champagne. McKenzie nods her head)




(Kevin downs his drink)


KEVIN: I thought you’d be more excited.


MCKENZIE: I’m trying to be. But, it’s like, Beto lost, Andrew Gillum lost, KDL will probably lose and this was overwhelmingly expected so it’s hard to be as excited about it.


KEVIN: But think about what the Democrats are gonna do to Trump once they get the majority.


MCKENZIE: Yeah. They’ll finally get Trump’s tax returns. They won’t give Americans free healthcare, free college or a minimum wage increase, but they will get Trump’s taxes.


KEVIN: You sound as cynical as I am, Kenz.


MCKENZIE: Maybe you’re right to be, though. (McKenzie gestures to the bartender) G&T, please?


(Bartender nods and makes a gin & tonic)


KEVIN: Alejandro Ocasio-Juarez or whatever won, didn’t she?


MCKENZIE: It’s Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Jesus, Kevin, you’ve had four months to learn that!

KEVIN: Sorry.


(Bartender hands McKenzie the drink as Mayor Garcia and Mayor Salas sit beside them)


MAYOR GARCIA: I do think we have a responsibility to seek common ground with the GOP, however.


MAYOR SALAS: Well, obviously.


(McKenzie facepalms)


KEVIN: Do you want to just leave?


MCKENZIE: God yes.


(Kevin leaves a ten-dollar bill on the bar and leave)


BARTENDER: Wait! Excuse me! This was a fundraiser; all the drinks are ten thousand dollars!


(Cut to Kevin and McKenzie walking into a hole-in-the-wall bar with a couple of regulars sitting lethargically at the bar, watching election results on local news. Marc Brown is on TV announcing the results of the California Governor’s race)


MARC BROWN: KABC-TV can now project that Gavin Newsom has been elected the next Governor of California. (Kevin and McKenzie sit at the bar) Meanwhile, it is a dead tie between Steve Knight and Katie Hill in California’s 25th, one of the most watched races out there.


KEVIN: I wonder how Rob would’ve done in that race.


MCKENZIE: I mean, it’s a douche-off at that point.


KEVIN: Come on! He would’ve swept up the axe body spray-wearing suburban mom! (Kevin raises his finger as McKenzie laughs) Two whiskeys, please.


(Bartender nods and starts making them. Kevin puts his card on the bar. McKenzie puts her head on Kevin’s shoulder)


MCKENZIE: …I love you.


KEVIN: I love you, too.


(They look at one another. Cut to McKenzie and Kevin making out in the bar’s restroom. Kevin starts undoing McKenzie’s blouse and cups her breasts. Suddenly, the bartender walks in)



(McKenzie hides her breasts)


MCKENZIE: Hey, hey! Excuse me, we hung a sock on the door!

BARTENDER: This is a public restroom!


(McKenzie exposes her neck and slaps it)




KEVIN: You’re basically Mussolini, bro.



(Cut to Kevin and McKenzie drunkenly stumbling onto the street outside the bar, laughing)


MCKENZIE: We showed that fuck.


KEVIN: Yeah, now we’re banned for life. Which is unfortunate, I wanted to connect to the salt-of-the-earth country bumpkins in that bar.




KEVIN: Yeah. (McKenzie and Kevin walk by a storefront with a TV in the window showing that Matt Rosendale leads Jon Tester in Montana 49-48%. Kevin shakes his head) Weird night.


(McKenzie shrugs)


MCKENZIE: Both sides turned out. We should’ve expected a mixed result. Floridians couldn’t stand to see a black man as their Governor. Texans couldn’t stand to see a Latino-sounding Irishman be their Senator. Shit happens.


(Kevin nods and they keep walking along. Cut to Luther, Evelyn and Miles, absolutely shit-faced, sitting at the bar, shot glasses tumbled all over)


MARC BROWN: (OS) Tony Evers has defeated Scott Walker in the Wisconsin Governor’s race.


MILES: (Slurred) Alriiiiight, ‘nother little shotty-shot-shot!

LUTHER: This-this-this bitch right here is the REAL shotty-


(Luther laughs and rests his head on the bar)


EVELYN: I think-I think I’m beginning to lose my inhibitions.


(Miles pours three shots very sloppily and hands them out. Miles lifts his shot glass)


MILES: To kicking Scott Walker’s lily-white ASS!


(They all cheers and take their shots)


LUTHER: Fuck. We’ve had so much, please don’t pick up more, Democrats-


MARC BROWN (OS) Jacky Rosen has defeated Dean Heller in Nevada- first Democratic Senate pick-up of the night.


LUTHER: Oh, fucking shit-


(Luther falls off his stool)


EVELYN: Maybe I should drive us to the hospital.


(Miles takes out his keys)


MILES: Nah, I’ve got it-


(Evelyn and Miles both collapse onto the ground. A mummy stripper walks over)


MUMMY STRIPPER: HOLY SHIT! Somebody unwrap me, so I can take them to the hospital!


(Cut to Rob, Lilly, Katie, Ben and Raylin sitting on the couch watching TV. The party seems to have lost its energy. Katie is chewing her nails)

KATIE: We’re ahead, but I don’t know if this election will be called tonight.


ROB: Sounds good to me. (Rob stands up) I guess everyone can leave, then.


BEN: What?


(Lilly stands up)


LILLY: Yeah, this is Altmire 2020 HQ now, so, door’s downstairs.


(Lilly points downstairs. Katie, Ben and Raylin stand up)


KATIE: Yeah, I’m sure you’ll be able to primary me after one term, dumbass.


ROB: I’m sure I will too, thanks.


(Katie shakes her head and they all start funneling out. Cut to Rob and Lilly crashing onto the bed)


LILLY: Are you really gonna run against her?


ROB: When I say things, I do them. Even if it makes no sense or it hurts people.


LILLY: That’s…admirable?


(Rob flips over)


ROB: …I’m sorry I insulted your profession.


LILLY: …Don’t be. You’re right. But I won’t be there forever.


(Rob holds Lilly)


ROB: …I hope everyone had a better Election Night than we did.


(“Two-Headed Boy Pt. 2” by Neutral Milk Hotel begins playing as we cut to McKenzie and Kevin pulling up to their house. They both get out and stare in shock as they notice their garage door has been spray-painted with swastikas, “MAGA” and similar right-wing icons and slogans. McKenzie bursts into tears and runs inside. Kevin follows. Cut to surgeons installing a stomach pump on a sedated Luther. Luther lazily pumps his fist and the surgeons have to put it down. Cut to Luther, Evelyn and Miles getting wheeled out of their surgeries all at the same time. They look at one another and nod approvingly. Cut to Kevin frantically trying to comfort McKenzie as she sobs on the couch. Cut to Rob lying next to Lilly on the bed. He is awake, intently watching her sleep. Cut to Kevin dipping a sponge into a bucket of water and washing the garage door of all the offensive symbols, slurs and slogans. Cut to Rob standing over Lilly with a cigarette in his mouth. He lights it and exhales smoke out the side of his mouth. Lilly flips over on her side. Rob sits in an armchair in the corner of his room and keeps watching. As the song fades out, we pan to the LA skyline outside Rob’s window. Cut to black)



Submitted: November 16, 2018

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