Contemplation

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic
Outlook on life in Alex's perspective . It's short and my first piece of writing , would apreciate constructive criticism and feedback :D.

Submitted: November 17, 2018

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Submitted: November 17, 2018

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Today I discovered one thing I probably knew all along about myself. I had that one moment when a proverbial light bulb shines above your head and you come to a realisation.

I am fraudalant to people, mainly my own person. I admit it, I AM stupid , not stupid as an idiotic in nature.I am not that far into my depresed state to be that delusional .

 

My intelegance balances between the belows and aboves of avarage thin’s line. I am mainly talking about me pretending to be more smart seeming than I actually am, trying to wiggle or lie out of situations, which are distressing but prove my incompetence in using gained knowledge and how much I lack in deparment of common knowledge about reality. Trying to nod ,not understanting some things as if I was imersed in this world of information that given person sitting across me is engaging in. I lie to people , even when an urge is placed upon my mind to speak its piece, to argue.

I know that it’s better to shake my head in agreament ,hum even ,then to reveal how my half-assed arguments ,my not contemplated long enough views aren’t valid ,in which I would disturb the very delicate eco-system of a simple conversation, confuse it’s participants and destroy the peace.

That would proceed to give a statment that I am not on the same intelectual level, less compleate.

 

So what’s left? To laugh, fabricate world where we both are compatible, create familiar understanding anything to avoid constant creaping axaity , emberasment, akwardnesswaiting for my to make mistake

.Just anything to exterminate internal suffering and external consequences of people being aware. We are on the same page it would seem...

It’s my secret, to think difrently , to not be as skilled in social interactions as others and creating the image of someone who speaks in lesser quantity, but knows what they speaking about.

 

You could say ,people would understand, you don’t have to manipulate yourself and them to that of extreme level…

They understand, of coure some may not, but they who do cannot stop the urge to treat you diffrently , their perception can be as false or more then before they have known the truth.

I couldn’t possibly influence someone pattern of thought, and their conclusion ,may be the unwanted one. I pity them, they are slower, I fell guilt I will treat them better, are most conscious thoughts, and so they change the chemistry of conversations.

Despite good intentions ,the tension is created and it may be followed by more deceit, contempt or eventual explotion . Because you are avarage not stupid or smart and that’s hard conclusion to come to for people, to not think in extremes, even me ,I struggle with it most.

 

I never told that to anybody. Some probably suspect or know but if confronted about it ,my low self esteem and ego would most likley crumble.I would be deeply embarased to the bone.

Sometimes the need breads the need to not create discomfort. I do it all to gain acceptance, to be more valued as someone who I could not possibly compare to, to redirect misconceptions and to protect myself from confrontation which I am tremondesly fraightened of.

 

Suprisyngly, I write with a note of sarcasm, this text is a lie too. Composed of big words from little man’s mouth, sounding more refined, but it’s just a meare ilusion, fata morgana actually. I am stupid and afraid, that’s the secret, belive it or not…

 

So I look around the world with critical eye and go my way, taking these thoughts with me everyday but not bettering myself. I should try, I doesn’t matter ,thousends of the same phrases cross my mind, mabye one day I will take my own advices, let’s hope that good ones prevail.

 

-Alex! – I hear voice of my friend looking for me the same instance stoping my grim train of thoughts

-I’m comming- As I get up I sigh and say in quiet voice -I’s time to start pretending again….


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