Ms. Dracula (short)

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

This is part of ACT 1 of a 3-ACT play. Had to shorten it to 3,000 words for the contest.

ACT 1
ORIENTATION
SCENE 1: girls dorm room; thunder and lightning outside window; college paraphernalia scattered about; OSSC pennant on wall; stuffed animal on bed, etc. Carla Cross on bed with iPad earphones on and looking at racy magazine and chewing bubble gum; bat flies in window; lights black out with a clap of thunder; lights pop on and Madeline Fang (Ms. Dracula) stands in center of room in a black exaggerated cape; stark white face; has jeans and tank top on under cape; holds a suitcase, books and a OSSC pennant on a stick.
CARLA: (startled to see someone in the room; thought it was Sister Gertrude; jams racy magazine under pillow; takes off iPad earphones, gets up; walks over to Madeline; looks her up and down.) Boy, you freshman get stranger looking every year. Are you my new roomie? I hope you're better than the last one I had. She sucked. Ha-ha. Get it? Sucked? (Madeline looks intently at Carla) Ahem, I'm Carla Cross. I hope my last name doesn't bother you (giggles, holds out hand).
MADELINE: (shakes Carla's hand; speaks with Slavic accent) My name is Madeline. Madeline Fang. I am pleased to make your acquaintance. And I hope my last name doesn't bother you!
CARLA: Ha-ha. Well, now that you mention it, it does have a kind of uneasy ring to it. Are you a transfer student?
MADELINE: Why yes. I'm a Transylvanian student. How did you know?
CARLA: Oh, I get it. This is an initiation for a sorority. The cape, the phony accent, Madeline FANG from Transylvania? Ha-ha. Very clever. Which sorority is it? No, let me guess. It's gotta be Kappa Kappa Pi. They're really-really strange. Well, is it Kappa Kappa Pi?
MADELINE: I beg your pardon? (looking at Carla like she lost her mind)
CARLA: It's OK. I understand all that jazz. When I was a freshman I went through the same kind of initiation process. Only they had me dress up like a hooker and strut through the boys dorm in the middle of the night. Now that was a night to remember! (giggles)
MADELINE: Excuse me, but could you tell me which drawers are mine?
CARLA: (sophisticated voice like Madeline's) But of course. (changes back to normal voice)  You can have the bottom three. They're empty. And this closet is yours. Let me get my things off your bed. (throws things on floor) Since my other roomie left I use her bed for a catch-all. (giggles) But then, I used it for a catch-all when she was here. I think that's why she left. (giggles)
MADELINE: Thank you. (puts suitcase on bed)
CARLA: I'm a senior. So if you don't like me, I won't be here for very long. (giggles)
MADELINE: I am sure I will like you. (makes hand motion and suitcase opens by itself. Carla's eyes widen; dismisses it)
CARLA: Anyway, my major is Food and Nutrition. I plan to be the best dietician ever. What's your major? Magical Science (giggles)?
MADELINE: (hesitates) I have not decided. (starts to open drawer with magic but decides not to; uses hand; puts folded cape in it; shuts drawer; opens next drawer; puts another folded cape in it; shuts drawer; opens last drawer; puts folded cape in it; shuts drawer.)
CARLA: What are those?
MADELINE: I brought three changes of cape.
CARLA: Boy, your sorority is really going all out. Anyway, since I am almost a licensed dietician, I will be happy to give you free advice on proper nutrition. (Madeline puts suitcase in closet) So my first piece of advice to you, my dear Madeline, is that you get your proper nourishment.
MADELINE: That is exactly what I intend to do, my dear Carla. CARLA: (turns on music) What kind of music do you like? Rock, rap, hip hop, country?
MADELINE: Mozart.
CARLA: Mozart? I'm afraid I don't have Mozart. But, since you are a foreigner, I just happen to have a Foreigner song (hit button. "Woman In Black" plays; Carla dances around Madeline in a circle, turns her back to Madeline, dancing, turns facing Madeline, pointing and dancing; turns back again, turns to face Madeline again and priest is standing where Madeline was; a nun is with him; Carla slows down dance and comes to a gradual stop, hits off button. grins)
SISTER GERTRUDE: Good evening, ladies. We are here to personally welcome Madeline to Old St. Seneca College.
FATHER TIMWELL: Pleased to meet you, Madeline. I'm Father Timwell, the president of the college. And this is Sister Gertrude, the dorm mother.
MADELINE: Pleased to meet you. Those are nice outfits. May I ask where are your crucifixes? (falters on word)
GERTRUDE: Oh, we're very informal around here. We just wear them on occasion.
TIMWELL: We hope you have four glorious years here, my dear.
GERTRUDE: Carla will be a good roommate. She's involved in a lot of school activities and has a lot of friends and can introduce you to them. (Carla rolls eyes) I live here in the dorm too. Downstairs. I am usually available around the clock, except when I'm taking my nightly walks. But feel free to contact me if there are any problems, anytime of the day or night.
MADELINE: Thank you. I may take you up on that.
TIMWELL: Carla, would you be good enough to answer any questions Madeline may have about OSSC and make her feel at home?
CARLA: Don't worry about a thing father, I will see to it that her questions are answered and that she feels perfectly at home.
TIMWELL: Very good. I guess we better be going. Good evening girls. (stands by waiting for Sister Gertrude)
GERTRUDE: (Barny Fife mode) Now there are certain rules that must be obeyed here at this old but state-of-the-art facility. Our number 1 rule is NO BOYS are allowed in the dorm rooms except when accompanied by me. And, of course, I would never leave a boy alone with any of you girls. Carla will go over other rules but all in all, this is really a carefree and happy place to get your higher education. Right Carla?
CARLA: Whatever you say Trudy, I mean, Sister Gertrude (giggles).
GERTRUDE: Well, good evening girls. (pivots and exits)
CARLA: Thank you, Father Timwell, for stopping by. (to Madeline as she opens door for Timwell) Father Timwell is very thoughtful, kind, considerate, knowledgeable (shuts door behind a grinning Timwell) a pain in the ass.
MADELINE: Oh?
CARLA: Yeah, he's a turkey.
MADELINE: (smile springs to face) A Turkey? You mean he is from Turkey? Many of my friends are Turkeys. I feel at home already!
CARLA: (stares at Madeline) Madeline. I didn't mean he's from Turkey, I meant he is a tur . . . never mind. (lights cigarette; plops down on bed, retrieves racy magazine from under pillow) You can forget that business about having "four glorious years here." It's like a dungeon. But then, you might like it. (giggles)
MADELINE: I thought you liked it here.
CARLA: Nope. I can't wait to graduate. I'm going to put a thousand miles between me and here when I do.
MADELINE: Why did you come here then?
CARLA: My parents sent me here thinking a religious environment would make a new person out of me. I was a bad kid in high school. I was into . . . shall we say . . . bad habits. So they sent me to a religious college to make a goody-2-shoes out of me I guess. And we aren't even catholic.
MADELINE: Well, did it work?
CARLA: (with cigarette in one hand and racy magazine in the other) Does it look like it? (puffs cigarette) I just hope my future is better than my four years here have been.
MADELINE: (proudly) I can offer you a future much greater than you can imagine! (ominous music)
CARLA: Right. (crushes out cigarette)
MADELINE: How would you like to exist forever?
CARLA: I'd like it just fine but I don't know about anybody else! Ha-ha!
MADELINE: I can make it possible. Just put yourself into my hands.
CARLA: I think you're suffering from jet lag. Or bat lag. I'm going to bed. (takes stuffed animal off bed)
MADELINE: (in commanding voice) Carla! (Carla drops stuffed animal; stares blankly into the air) Look at me, Carla. (Carla turns and looks into Madeline's eyes) Come! Come! (Carla walks to Madeline in a trance, arms at side; stops in front of Madeline) You are going to be my assistant.
CARLA: Your wish is my command.
MADELINE: I am a vampire.
CARLA: I can see that.
MADELINE: You are to protect me at all times, especially during the daytime when I rest. At night, when I'm out getting my . . . 'proper nourishment' . . . you are to make excuses for my whereabouts.  Is that clear?
CARLA: Crystal.
MADELINE: Now, when I snap my fingers, you will awaken and be  yourself again only you will know the truth about me. Are you ready?
CARLA: . . . as I'll ever be.
SNAP!
CARLA: So, since you are a you-know-what, I guess you will be taking night classes, right?
MADELINE: You know I'm not here to take classes. That is just a cover up for what I am really here for.
CARLA: To drink blood.
MADELINE: This campus if full of fresh, warm-blooded human cuisine. It's out in the middle of nowhere. I can have a field day!
CARLA: You mean a field night (giggles).
MADELINE: Very amusing, Carla.
CARLA: May I ask a stupid question?
MADELINE: Certainly.
CARLA: Why did you pick a religious college? Aren't vampires afraid of crosses? (picks up cross from dresser top)
MADELINE: (shrieks; contorts face) Put that away!
CARLA: Okay. (puts in drawer) All gone. Don't open this drawer (giggles). So why did you pick a religious college?
MADELINE: (let's out sigh of relief; Carla waves the air for the stench) I am out to prove that vampires can exist in a place full of religious hardware if they play their cards right.
CARLA:  Oh.
MADELINE: I am Madeline Fang to you but back home I am known as Ms. Dracula! (clap of thunder)
CARLA: (looks up, around, back at Madeline) I beg your pardon?
MADELINE: MS. DRACULA! (louder clap of thunder; Carla looks up, around, back at Madeline) I am the most powerful, most feared, most beautiful vampire of them all!
CARLA: You mean there's more?
MADELINE: Indeed. (Carla slaps her forehead in disbelief.) So I picked a religious college to prove that. Besides, my being a liberal vampire, I am willing to try anything new and different.
CARLA: Well, this certainly is different. A vampire going to college. And a religious one at that! (opens bag of potato chips) You know? (crunch, crunch) This is the first time (crunch, crunch, crunch) that I've ever had a vampire (crunch) for a roommate (crunch, crunch). Want one? (holds out bag to Madeline)
MADELINE: Don't be stupid. Vampires do not eat potato chips.
CARLA: Well, excuuuuuuuuuuuuse ME! (crunch, crunch; walks to icebox; grabs beer) I guess vampires don't drink beer either, right? (giggles) I'd offer you a Bloody Mary but we're out. (giggles) Well, here's to my new roommate! (gulp, gulp, gulp) Man, this oughta be fun! More fun than I've had my whole four years here. It's different! I've got to admit! (gulp, gulp, gulp, burrrrrrp)
MADELINE: You'll have a blast.
CARLA: May I ask stupid question?
MADELINE: Yes.
CARLA: Why me?? Why ME??? I'm supposed to graduate soon! I want to be a dietician, not IGOR!
MADELINE: I will only need you for a short time. Then you may go your way. But I have a feeling you will want to stay once you find out my plans.
CARLA: Plans? What plans?
MADELINE: You will find out in due time. But I shall give you a small hint. This whole campus will soon be mine and everyone in it will be vampires or slaves - Igors, as you say. Today, the campus. Tomorrow, the world!
CARLA: That's some hint. All this sounds crazy. Do you really expect to pull it off?
MADELINE: Indeed.
CARLA: Do you really expect to turn the whole world into vampires and slaves? I can see maybe the campus but the whole world??
MADELINE: Indeed! Indeed! (claps excitedly)
CARLA: Well, good luck. (polishes off beer; tosses can into waste basket; hits other cans; Madeline winces at noise) So, you've gotten old Trudy and Timwell thinking you're a foreign exchange student, ay?
MADELINE: That is right.
CARLA: Well, you certainly do seem to be playing your cards right. Anyway, there's just one other person in this school that is a foreign exchange student. He's in my zoology class.
MADELINE: Zoology? I thought you were a dietician major.
CARLA: That's Food and Nutrition major. I am but it's an elective. I picked zoology. I mean, it can't hurt to know what animals should eat too, right? (giggles) Anyway, this guy that transferred here is new too. He's from Germany. He's smart as a whip - a real nerdy type. Glasses, white socks, the whole bit. And get this. He wears saddle oxfords! I have never in my life seen a guy wearing saddle oxfords! I'd feel stupid enough as a girl wearing them but a guy?? You should see him Madeline.
SENE 2: Boys dorm room. Football poster of the Denver Broncos on wall; football on dresser top, etc. Bernie Brickford in football jersey, jeans and track shoes peers out window with binoculars grinning broadly. Enters Wolfgang Wilcox in saddle oxfords and white socks; carrying stack of books up to his eyeballs; trips, falls, books go everywhere . . .
WOLFGANG: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
BERNIE: You OK, Wolfgang?
WOLFGANG: I guess. (gets up; straightens glasses)
BERNIE: Sheesh, Wolfgang, are there any more books left in the library?
WOLFGANG: Heh, they're mostly books on insects  and their mating habits. I'm sure they are not in demand. (starts picking up books) It's a very interesting subject though. Would you care to hear about the mating habits of the praying mantis?
BERNIE: No, but I'd like to hear about the mating habits of that blonde over there in that window. (peers through binoculars at girls dorm)
WOLFGANG: Really, Bernard. Is all you ever think about is sex?
BERNIE: What do you mean me? Just look at these books of yours. (picks up book) "The Mating Habits of the Bumble Bee," (grabs another book) "The Multiplying Mosquito," (continues to grab books) "Sex and Insects," "Reproduction in the Baboon Family" . . .
WOLFGANG: Bernard.
BERNIE:  "Sex, Crocodile Style?"
WOLFGANG: (grabs book from Bernie) All I'm saying is that there's more to life than women!
BERNIE: Like what? Mosquitoes and baboons?
WOLFGANG: Frankly yes.
BERNIE: (resumes binocular pastime) You know, Wolfgang, the difference between you and me is that you look at the world through a microscope and I look at it through binoculars. (Wolfgang sits at desk studying) Hey, Wolfgang, come here! I want you to see something.
WOLFGANG: I'm studying, Bernard. (perturbed)
BERNIE: Come here! That blonde is taking off her blouse!
WOLFGANG: (takes binoculars) Oh, I know that girl. She's in my zoology class. Her name's Carla.
BERNIE: Carla? Wow. Cool name. Why don't you introduce me to her?
WOLFGANG: Because she never did anything bad to me. Besides, I barely know her. I just know she's in my class and she's a cheerleader. And she's too old for you because she's a senior. And she hates freshmen.
BERNIE: How do you know all that?
WOLFGANG: She talks a lot in class. It's hard not to overhear her. She said she thinks freshmen are generally immature and obnoxious.
BERNIE: Well, she hasn't met ME!
WOLFGANG: If you meet her, it will be your own doing. I'm staying out of it.
BERNIE: Why?
WOLFGANG: Because, my dear boy, the last time I introduced you to a girl, you fell madly in love with her.
BERNIE: That's bad?
WOLFGANG: When she called it quits and you blamed ME, yes. It’s bad. You haven't let me live it down yet!
BERNIE: It's only been two weeks.
WOLFGANG: The point is, Bernard, you're on your own.
BERNIE:  (disgusted) I don't know how you and I wound up as roommates.
WOLFGANG: I don’t know. I might have offended the gods.
BERNIE: We don't have anything in common.
WOLFGANG: Well, we're both new to the college. You're a freshman and I'm a transfer student.
BERNIE: But look at the differences. I'm a freshman, your a senior. I like to party, you like to study. I love chicks, you love books. I'm  athletic, you're a bookworm.  .  .
WOLFGANG:  . . . I'm a genius, you’re stupid . . .
BERNIE: (plops down in easy chair; looks at Olde St. Seneca College pennant on wall) Who in the hell was Seneca? What kind of name is that?
WOLFGANG: It was the name of the saint who founded the college.
BERNIE: I wish he losted it. Why couldn't it be named after somebody with a normal name? Like St. Michael or St. Thomas or St. James or . . . WOLFGANG: St. Bernard?
BERNIE:  Shut up, Wolfgang.
WOLFGANG: Yeah, the St. Bernard Cougars doesn't sound quite right. heh-heh.
BERNIE: Does the St. Wolfgang Cougars sound any better? (gets up from chair and plops down on bed; hands behind head; feet crossed) Wolfgang, do you ever date?
WOLFGANG: No, I don't have time.
BERNIE: Why not? WOLFGANG: I'm concentrating on passing all my classes in flying colors.
BERNIE: Wolfgang. You could pass them in your sleep. You oughta get out and have some fun for a change. WOLFGANG: I have fun studying.
BERNIE: Listen, I know this really sexy chick who would love to go out with you. Her name is Serina and . . .
WOLFGANG: Bernard.

(to be continued)

 

 

 

 


Submitted: December 05, 2018

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