The Valley of the Tools Episode 21

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

Lilly’s boss urges her to get Rob for their new magazine campaign as Rob runs into trouble with the IRS, Noel and Bonnie run into financial issues and Hannah’s avoidance of Xandra causes her to make a disastrous decision







“Hate to have to watch you go. Thought I’d been through this. Lord knows, I’ve been trying. I’m still trying”

  • Angel Olsen


(We start with a shot of a turkey cooking in the oven. The oven timer goes off and Kay Altmire approaches to open the oven door. She puts mitts on and carries the turkey out. She sees Rob sitting at the kitchen bar with a glass of wine)


ROB: Wow, mom. Smells great.


KAY: Yes, well, thank you, honey. (Kay closes the door) Thanks for helping.


(Kimberly comes in)


KIMBERLY: What do you mean? He didn’t help.


KAY: Yes, hon, that’s why it’s sarcasm.


(Rob finishes his wine)


ROB: I helped! Kim, tell her I helped!

KIMBERLY: No! Because you didn’t!

ROB: Who brought this wine?!



ROB: Thank you!

KIMBERLY: And now you’ve drank almost the entire thing before we’re even ready to sit down!

ROB: Thank you.


KIMBERLY: It’s not a compliment.


(Lilly comes in)


LILLY: Are we ready yet?


(Cut to Rob, Lilly, Kimberly, Paul, Kay, Ryan, Jacob and Madeline sitting at Kay’s dinner table)


KAY: Let’s pray.


RYAN: Oh, God.


KIMBERLY: Mom, you’re the only one here besides Paul who’s religious.


KAY: But Jacob, isn’t your wife religious?


JACOB: Yes, but she’s failed to convert me. I’m a slippery little rascal!


PAUL: Fine, let mom and I pray.  We’ll see you guys in Hell.




RYAN: Wait, but you will be there too, then?


PAUL: Sh-shut up.


(Paul and Kay lower their heads)


KAY: Heavenly Father, we thank you for this bounty. We thank you for the company of family, and for your grace. In Jesus we pray, amen.


PAUL: Amen.


(Kay and Paul look up and start digging in, as does everyone else)


KIMBERLY: Why don’t we go around and have everyone say what they’re thankful for?


ROB: What is this? Leave it to Beaver?


LILLY: No, babe, that’s the porno you watch every night when you think I’m asleep.


(Rob’s eyes widen)


ROB: Right.


KIMBERLY: I’ll start. I’m thankful for incoming Speaker Nancy Pelosi!


MADELINE: She doesn’t have it yet, right?


KIMBERLY: No, but she’s a-shooing! I mean, who else could do it?


RYAN: Barbara Lee, Marcia Fudge, Pramila Jayapal, Ro Khanna, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez-


KIMBERLY: I don’t know who those people are, but I assume they’re all men.


RYAN: You think Barbara, Marcia and Alexandria are men’s names?


KIMBERLY: I know who that Ocasio-Cortez woman is.


(Rob stuffs his mouth with mashed potatoes)


ROB: Yeah, she’s hot.


LILLY: And accomplished.


JACOB: But also, very hot.


(Lilly sighs)


KIMBERLY: She’s not experienced enough.


RYAN: Fine, but to say that Nancy Pelosi is the only option is nonsense!


KIMBERLY: No one else is running, even Fudge dropped out!


ROB: Plus, Ocasio-Cortez supports Pelosi now.


RYAN: Because no on else is running! People HATE Pelosi! Her approval rating is dogshit! Dogshit might have a better approval rating, actually!


KIMBERLY: Sorry! Who’s the one who led the Democrats to victory on November 6th?


ROB: Including for my future political opponent Katie Hill?


RYAN: It’s time for a new generation, that’s all I’m saying.


KIMBERLY: Pelosi has waited eight long years to be Speaker again, do NOT take this from her!


MADELINE: Were you just possessed by Nancy Pelosi?


RYAN: You know, we lost four senate seats!

KIMBERLY: But we gained two, so we lost two. Why don’t we fire Chuck Schumer instead, huh?


RYAN: Yeah, that sounds great!


KIMBERLY: No, don’t do that either.


ROB: Hey, we could defeat Cindy Hyde-Smith in Mississippi. She’s saying all that racist stuff.


LILLY: Think long and hard about what you just said.


(Rob nods)


ROB: Yeah, you’re right, the senate’s fucked.


RYAN: So is the planet. California’s literally on fire and Pelosi answered with a commission to study climate change. Very bold.


KAY: Please, let’s change the subject. Lilly, what do you do for work?


(Lilly looks panicked)


ROB: You asked me what I do for work?


KAY: No, I-


ROB: I’m happy to answer, I co-own a club in LA, that doubles as a production company for some reason.


LILLY: Also, you still do HQ Trivia.


ROB: Yes. Every once in a while, I host the games.


KAY: What’s HQ Trivia?


MADELINE: I got this. It’s a live game show you play on your phone and it’ll probably go belly-up in a few months.


ROB: Yes, but I might as well reap the rewards while I’m here.


(Rob smiles)


KIMBERLY: Lilly, what do you do?




ROB: Uh! Oh shit! My addiction is kicking in- our addiction is kicking in, we have to go outside for a smoke.


LILLY: Yes! Yes, we do! (Rob and Lilly stand up) Not that I have anything to do with tobacco other than the fact that I thoroughly enjoy smoking!

(Rob takes a pack of American Spirits out of his pocket)


ROB: Alright, let’s suck down these cancer sticks, huh?!


(Jacob stands up)


JACOB: I’ll join you guys, actually.


KIMBERLY: Jacob! I thought you quit!

JACOB: You think a lot of things about me. Let’s go.


(Cut to Jacob, Rob and Lilly standing outside Kay’s house in a pleasant Boston suburb. Jacob and Rob are smoking while Rob lights Lilly’s cigarette)


ROB: Alright, you ready?




(Rob lights her cigarette and Lilly inhales. She immediately starts coughing profusely. Jacob looks confused)


JACOB: I thought she was a smoker-


ROB: She is!

(Lilly recovers)


LILLY: I am, I just-uh, it went down the wrong pipe.


ROB: Like when you drink water! Except, you know, it’s smoke.




LILLY: Man, this trip has been, pleasant.


JACOB: It’s always like this.


ROB: We’ve gotta get back to LA by 6pm tomorrow. Or, 9pm Boston time.




ROB: Yeah.


LILLY: Thank God. (Jacob looks at Lilly) That, we at least get the rest of this night to spend with your half-sister’s totally functional family.


(Lilly smiles. Cut to a plane flying through the air. Cut to Rob, wearing a suit, walking into the HQ Trivia studio. He shakes hands with Rus Yusopov)


RUS: Good to have you back, Rob.


ROB: I know, it’s been a while. Last time I was here that chair over there was on fire.


(Cut to the charred remains of a chair in the corner of the studio)


RUS: Yeah, that’s because you fell asleep on it with a lit cigarette in hand.


ROB: Why haven’t you thrown it away, by the way?


RUS: I’ll get back to you on that. Make-up!


(A make-up person walks over and applies make-up to Rob’s face)


ROB: Oh. Thank you.


RUS: Good luck out there.


(Rus pats Rob on the shoulder and walks away. Cut to Rob in front of the camera, broadcasting to thousands of phones)


ROB: Welcome to HQ Trivia, the live-mobile game show where you can answer questions to win cash! I’m Robert Altmire, and before you ask in the live chat, yes, this is what I’ve stooped to. We have over 300,000 players in the game tonight. But before we get to the questions, I’d love to show off my abs.


(Rob rips open his shirt to show his abs. Cut to a woman in Ray-Bans and a black-and-white blouse watching Rob’s HQ performance on her phone while sitting in her bedroom)


WOMAN: Oh, shit.


ROB: (On the phone) This will provide you clues to certain difficult questions, because I have the answers tattooed on my back Momento-style. (Rob turns around reveals his back. There’s a tattoo of Puff Daddy holding a gun to Biggie Smalls’ head) It would be helpful if you knew who these people are, for when we ask who killed Biggie Smalls.


WOMAN: My question is, how did Lilly snatch up this hunk? And where can I sign up to hit that? (The woman punches “Robert Altmire” into Google) Oh shit, he actually has a website where you can sign up to hit that.


(We cut to Hillary Roswell’s acting class. Mrs. Roswell is standing before the assembled students- including Hannah, Xandra and Darla. Hannah is standing on the other side of the room)


HILLARY: You will need to get into groups of two and practice these- (Hillary holds up a stack of scripts) scenes that I’ve selected for you. One of them is the Tarantino cameo in Pulp Fiction, so I’m sorry about that, I wasn’t thinking. Get into groups.


(People start joining up)


DARLA: Xandra, do you-?


(Xandra bee-lines away from Darla and toward Hannah)


XANDRA: Red, let’s do it.


(Hannah smirks)


HANNAH: Oh! Xandra, sorry, I’d love to, but I’ve already partnered with- (Hannah pulls a nearby, shaved-head goatee dude by the arm and over to her) this man, right here.


DUDE: We have?


HANNAH: Uh-huh, remember?


DUDE: Oh yeah! Hey, you wanna get coffee after this?


HANNAH: Only if you want to get coffee with a lesbian.


DUDE: Ah. Never mind.


(Xandra furrows her brow)


XANDRA: Oh. Okay. Fine. Have fun with goatee baldy, then.


(Xandra walks away, clearly hurt. Hannah sighs)


DUDE: So, are you for sure lesbian? Or are you just like, in college or something?


HANNAH: Just shush, so we can do this- (Hannah is handed her script and looks at it) “Titanic Car Scene”, oh, for fuck’s sake.


(Cut to students funneling out of “Act a Fool” in Beverly Hills. Hannah walks past the crowd and head towards her car. She pulls out her key and sees Xandra walk over)




HANNAH: Hi. I can’t make it to your thing tonight, I have to-


XANDRA: I don’t have a “thing” tonight. It’ll be a quiet night in with a dozen or so friends and one of those dunk tanks, except the water is tequila.


HANNAH: Sounds, quiet. I gotta go-


(Hannah opens her door, but Xandra forces it closed)


XANDRA: Why are being like this?!


HANNAH: Being like what?


XANDRA: Why are you avoiding me? Last couple weeks you’ve been increasingly cold, and you haven’t been to any of my weekly parties.


HANNAH: I don’t know, Xandy, I’ve been dealing with a lot at work, there’s a lot of changes. I’ve been distracted.


XANDRA: Well, get un-distracted! I thought we were friends.


HANNAH: We are! It’s just that, sometimes friends need space.


XANDRA: Is it Whitney? Is she being paranoid?


HANNAH: Yeah, Whitney’s the one being paranoid. (Hannah opens her door) I’ll see you tomorrow.


(Hannah gets in and drives away, as Xandra grimaces and walks toward her car. Cut to Hannah sitting in a conference room meeting at Altmire-Stone. Whitney is sitting at the head of the table and Bonnie, Luther, McKenzie and Robin are also included in the meeting)


LUTHER: So, that’s why CBS Studios thinks Susan B. Anthony should have a talking dog sidekick.


(Whitney double-takes)


WHITNEY: Do they want this to be animated?


LUTHER: They didn’t specify that, no. They just said they wanted to “humanize” her, with a talking dog? I don’t know.


WHITNEY: Women who fought for suffrage need to be humanized, huh? (Whitney sighs) It’s hard to love you, sometimes, Hollywood. Tell them we’ll think about it. (Luther nods) Next up, McKenzie?


(McKenzie sits up straight, looking nervous)




WHITNEY: Visa vi, you having a job here. Why?


MCKENZIE: I’ve been acting as Hannah’s assistant. As the head of the creative team, she has a lot of balls up in the air and I’ve been handling them for her. (McKenzie shrugs) I heard it too, no need to call it out.


ROBIN: I’d like to anyway, though.


WHITNEY: Hannah?


HANNAH: McKenzie is indispensable. She’s made the last couple weeks headache and change-free.


WHITNEY: Great. On to our last topic, our name. (Whitney shrugs) Rob is gone, he’s been bought out. We no longer need the “Altmire” in “Altmire-Stone”.


BONNIE: We could replace it with some Jewish name, make us sound like a law firm. “Cohen-Stone”.


WHITNEY: I’m not gonna take second billing to an imaginary person.


BONNIE: Is it that he’s imaginary or that he’s Jewish? Ask yourself that. Take a long look in the mirror, Whitney.


HANNAH: While we consider whether Whitney’s a rabid Jew-hater, we should consider whether a “Stone-Delaney” ticket might make sense.


WHITNEY: Stone-Delaney? So, you want to be a partner?


HANNAH: Yeah, for sure! I’ve worked hard, I’ve earned my stripes, appeasing the studios, but pushing back when I need to. Leading these two into battle.


ROBIN: I used to fight off bums with a broken glass bottle of Mountain Dew throwback, and I never met one tougher than her.


WHITNEY: You’re 100% right, but I think “Stone Productions” has a catchier ring to it, don’t you think?


HANNAH: No, I think “Stone-Delaney” sounds fine, but “Delaney-Stone” would be good too, if that’s catchier.


WHITNEY: No, I’m not gonna… (Hannah tilts her head) I just fear it may be too nepotistic.


HANNAH: Nepotistic? It’s not nepotistic, I earned it!


LUTHER: Hannah has proven herself to be-


WHITNEY: Hold on, Luther. (Whitney looks at Hannah) If you want, we can table this discussion and talk about it later.


HANNAH: I want to talk about it now!


(Whitney turns to the rest of the spectators, feeling increasingly awkward)


WHITNEY: We’ll pick this up later, guys.


(Everyone starts getting up. Cut to Whitney and Hannah walking into Whitney’s office. Hannah closes the door as Whitney sits behind her desk)


HANNAH: How do you think I feel when you tell me I’m not good enough to be your partner? You may remember, we’re partners already!

WHITNEY: Hannah, if you become a partner and the business goes down, our whole life together is screwed. We’d both lose our investment.


HANNAH: Well, I don’t intend for that to happen!


WHITNEY: Nobody does! (Whitney stands up) But you have to be realistic about these things.


HANNAH: Then who are you gonna give the partnership to? Luther? Robin!? Fuckin’ Noel?


WHITNEY: I’m not gonna add a partner until we’re on firmer financial footing, okay?


HANNAH: Yeah, that makes sense, why would we want to spread the risk? You know what I think it is? You don’t want to be partner with me because you’re not sure what the future holds- NOT just when it comes to this business.


WHITNEY: What are you-?!


HANNAH: It might explain why we’ve dated for two years and marriage has never even come up.


(Whitney furrows her brow. Hannah tears up and storms out. Whitney shakes her head and sits down. Cut to Bonnie in her office, seemingly listening to the fight from her desk. Noel comes in with two hot chocolates and Bonnie quickly starts typing nonsense on her keyboard)


NOEL: Hot chocolate for my- what are you doing?


(Bonnie stops typing)


BONNIE: Nothing.


NOEL: You were just typing gibberish into a YouTube comment section.


BONNIE: What were you about to call me?


NOEL: What?


BONNIE: You came in, you said “two hot chocolates for my” and then you cut yourself off. What were you gonna call me?


NOEL: I think, like, a chocolate bunny-


BONNIE: Noel, I’m not black.


NOEL: But you’re sweet like chocolate! (Noel puts the mugs down) And you melt in the sun.


BONNIE: I do fucking hate the sun. (Bonnie takes the hot chocolate and sips it) Thanks, babe, it was sexy of you to get this.


NOEL: You’re welcome. (Noel and Bonnie kiss. Bonnie turns to her computer and pulls up an Excel sheet) is that Excel sheet planning for our five-month anniversary?


(Bonne looks at Noel)


BONNIE: No, Noel, that’s insane. It’s for work.


(Noel laughs)


NOEL: You’re right. I’ll talk to you later, Bon-Bon.


(Noel leaves the room and Bonnie shakes her head and looks at her computer. Suddenly, the phone rings)


ALEC: (OS) Hey. Yeah? (Pause) Oh. Of course, Senator. (Bonnie furrows her brow) Bonnie, Bernie Sanders for you on line one.


(Bonnie’s eyes widen and she picks up the phone)


BONNIE: Who the hell is this?


(Cut to Mushy Mouth Saunders, sitting behind his cheap little disk in a sleazy little office with a window unit blowing behind him. He’s fiddling with an unlit swisher sweet. Intercut between them)


JEREMIAH: Ha! Tricked you! It’s not Bernie Sanders offering you a position in his upcoming 2020 campaign!


BONNIE: I never thought for one second that Bernie Sanders called me. Who are you and what the hell do you want?


JEREMIAH: It’s me- Mushy Mouth Saunders.


BONNIE: Ugh. The fuck do you want?


JEREMIAH: (Mumbling, indistinct) It’s just that you owe us a lotta money and I was wondering if you could-


BONNIE: What’re you- what’re you saying?


JEREMIAH: I’m mumbling, that’s why they call me-


BONNIE: Get to the point before I hang up, drive to your house and throw this phone through your bedroom window.


JEREMIAH: We went back through our records recently, and good goodness, do you owe us, Bonnie.


BONNIE: Owe you what?!


JEREMIAH: We kept meticulous records of our craft services, and you took much more than your fair share.


BONNIE: I was allowed a quarter the table, I remember the rule.


JEREMIAH: That’s only if there’s actors. I seem to remember you having a good amount of orgies, Bon-Bon.


(Bonnie recoils at the nickname)


BONNIE: I seem to remember your dick stopped working in 1994 and you’ve been trying to make up for it ever since.


JEREMIAH: Altogether, you owe us $1200 dollars.


BONNIE: What?! That’s insane!


JEREMIAH: INSANITY is one woman eating a whole craft table. Not to mention the food you stuck in your pocket, snuck home to your family. Oh, wait, you don’t have a family, do you?


BONNIE: Fuck you, Saunders.


JEREMIAH: The check better be in the mail. We’re hurting over here, Marla.


BONNIE: Don’t you dare.


JEREMIAH: Be decent, will you? Don’t make us get lawyers.


(Jeremiah hangs up and sits back, smiling smugly. Cut back to Bonnie. She angrily slams her phone on the desk. Cut to Noel stepping outside of Altmire-Stone Production’s office on his phone)


NOEL: Mom, what’s the emergency? I’m at work.


(Cut to Mrs. Masterson, an extremely pleasant woman in her kitchen wearing an apron while tasting a blueberry pie she’s just prepared. Intercut between them)


MRS. MASTERSON: The emergency is, I just finished this blueberry pie and it’ll be cold if you don’t come get some soon!

NOEL: Mom! I can microwave it later, I have to go.


MRS. MASTERSON: No! No, honey, stay, I have other news.


NOEL: Yes?


MRS. MASTERSON: Your dad’s having surgery.


(Noel furrows his brow)


NOEL: He is? Is everything okay?


MRS. MASTERSON: Yes, it’s just a minor stomach replacement-


NOEL: What?!


MRS. MASTERSON: A kindly stomach donor stepped up, Noel, that’s all.


NOEL: Why does dad need a new stomach?


MRS. MASTERSON: Thanksgiving! (She laughs) No, but, seriously, he gorged himself so severely that he almost died.


NOEL: Jesus!


MRS. MASTERSON: In order to save some money, I’m afraid we’re gonna have to pull you out of campus housing at UCLA.


NOEL: What? But-


MRS. MASTERSON: You can live with your mommy and daddy-who’s-in-an-iron-stomach-right-now!


MR. MASTERSON: (OS) Honey, can you put some of that cherry pie in my mouth?!


MRS. MASTERSON: (To Noel’s dad) Not until we clean the gears, my sweet!

NOEL: Wait, wait, what if I find somewhere to live? For cheap?


(Mrs. Masterson sighs)


MRS. MASTERSON: We’d have to hear a price.


NOEL: Okay. Tell dad I love him.




(She hangs up. Noel’s arm drops as he contemplates this turn of events. Cut to Lilly in her office at Reynolds American. She’s playing with a Newton’s Cradle when her assistant comes in with a lit cigarette in her mouth. Lilly springs up)


ASSISTANT: Bailey’s here to see you.


LILLY: Okay. Julia, what are you doing? You can’t smoke indoors.


JULIA: Really? I just assumed there was an exception for tobacco companies.


LILLY: No! I don’t want to smell that shit, do you know how many people die from… (Julia stares at Lilly) shark attacks, ever year? Not very many. Just thought I’d mention that. Put it out.


(Julia shrugs, throws it on the ground and stamps it out with her foot. She walks away as Lilly throws up her hands. Bailey, the woman from earlier, comes in as Julia exits)


BAILEY: Lilly, honey- is this your boo?


(Bailey shows Lilly a screenshot of Rob hosting HQ Trivia on her phone)


LILLY: Yeah. That’s him. Why?


(Bailey touches her phone)


BAILEY: Ooh! He’s a hottie! (Awkward pause) I just burnt my finger.


LILLY: I got it. What’s your point?


BAILEY: He’s the kind of rugged handsome we need in our new magazine campaign. (Bailey puts her phone away) Can you talk to him?


LILLY: Him? Are you sure?


BAILEY: Yes! He looks like a young Gerard Butler, but not terrible.


LILLY: …Alright, I’ll run it by him.


BAILEY: Goody! (Bailey smiles and starts to walk away, but then she turns back) Since this is a Native American brand, do you think maybe he could wear a head dress?


LILLY: What?!

BAILEY: No! You’re right, never mind.


(Cut to Rob putting a drink in front of a passed-out, make-up smothered gay man at Shortsight’s bar)


ROB: This is the last one, okay?


(The man shoots up)


GAY MAN: You know I’ll get another one.


ROB: Yeah, you will.


(Rob starts cleaning a glass as Miles walks up to him)


MILES: There’s fresh vomit in the alley behind the building, do you mind?


ROB: Sure. Who was it this time?


MILES: It was actually me. I’m gonna go lay down for a while.


(Miles pats Rob on the back and walks into his office. Cut to Rob stepping into the back alley to see a pile of vomit)


ROB: Oh, Christ. (Rob covers his nose. Suddenly, he gets a call from an unknown number in Washington D.C.) Hello?


(Cut to a bespectacled bureaucrat behind a desk in a fast-moving, 1940’s style office with a typewriter, fan and stack of papers in front of him. Intercut between Rob and the bureaucrat)


BUREAUCRAT: Hello, is this Robert Altmire?


ROB: That’s what they tell me.


BUREAUCRAT: This is Web Wimberly and I work at Internal Revenue in Washington D.C.


ROB: Your name is “Web”?


WEB: We recently stumbled upon your file in a comically high stack of papers-


ROB: You guys use paper still?


WEB: Yes, actually none of our technology has yet moved past 1949. Anyway, we found that you owe 75,000 dollars in back-taxes for 2015.


ROB: What?!


WEB: Yeah.


ROB: That must’ve been during my libertarian phase.


WEB: We need you to pay us or you’re going away, my friend. Have a blessed day.


(Web hangs up. Cut to Rob’s arm dropping. He puts his phone away and looks at Shortsight behind him)


ROB: …Good thing I sunk all that money into this place.


(Cut to Rob sitting in his living room, taking a rip off a pipe stashed with weed. He exhales the smoke as Lilly comes in and throws down her purse)




(Rob picks up the pipe)


ROB: Interested? (Lilly shakes her head “no”) your loss.


LILLY: Are your eyes red?


ROB: Yep. Because of the weed. Not because of crying- I would never do that.


(Lilly sits down next to Rob)


LILLY: Tell me what happened before I have to hear it from the local news.


(Rob sighs)


ROB: IRS called me today.


LILLY: …For what?


ROB: Just to chat. No, Lilly, they say I owe $75,000 in taxes.


LILLY: Jesus.


ROB: Usually, that’s couch cushion money to me- look!


(Rob reaches into his couch cushions and pulls out a wad of hundreds)


LILLY: Oh my God.


ROB: That’s $1500 right there! (Rob throws the money aside) But I sunk all my money into that goddamn club, which now employs me as its faithful servant.


LILLY: So, you don’t have the money?


ROB: Nope. (Rob shakes his head) Don’t know what the fuck I’m gonna do to get it. I feel like Wesley Snipes, when Al Qaeda destroyed his house.


(Lilly gulps)


LILLY: Well…


(Rob looks at Lilly)


ROB: What?

(Camera punches in on Lilly)


LILLY: …That suuuucks.


(Cut to Hannah, Xandra, Darla, the balding dude and the rest of Hannah’s acting class, facing Mrs. Roswell)


MRS. ROSWELL: Tonight’s the night. Who wants to go first?


(Xandra raises her hand)


XANDRA: Right here, bitch.


MRS. ROSWELL: It’s Mrs. Roswell, but. Go ahead. (Xandra drags Darla to the front of the class) What’d you guys have?


XANDRA: A Walk to Remember. London & Jamie love scene.


BALD DUDE: Ooooh, this should be good.


HANNAH: Dude, stop.




(Xandra and Darla turns towards each other)


XANDRA: (Amorous) I might kiss you.


DARLA: …I might be bad at it.


(Xandra chuckles)


XANDRA: That’s not, possible. (Xandra and Darla lean in and start kissing each other. Hannah reacts with measured shock and the slightest hint of jealousy. They lean away from each other) …Jamie. (Gulps, holds back emotion) I love you. (Long pause) Now, would be the time to say something.


DARLA: …I told you not to fall in love with me.


(Xandra looks hurt. But she goes back in for another kiss. Hannah bites her upper lip. Xandra and Darla finish kissing and bow. The class applauds)


XANDRA: That’s the bar.


(Xandra and Darla walk back to their positions)


MRS. ROSWELL: Terrific job, girls. Hannah, Moe, are you ready?


HANNAH: Yes, but I changed the scene to the “box” scene from Seven.




(Cut to the students funneling out of the building once again. Xandra waves to Darla)


XANDRA: Goodnight, you stupid hoe.


DARLA: Night.


(Darla gets in her car. Xandra goes for her before Hannah runs up to her)




(Xandra turns to face Hannah)


XANDRA: So, now you want to talk? Well, sorry, red, I have a drug dealer tied to a tree near Twentynine Palms I need to rescue.


HANNAH: Xandra, just listen.


(Xandra sighs)


XANDRA: I guess he can wait.


HANNAH: I’m sorry I’ve been avoiding you. Whitney can be…


XANDRA: …Paranoid?


(Hannah nods)


HANNAH: Paranoid. But I realized, my girlfriend’s jealousy shouldn’t get in the way of our friendship. (Beat) You mean a lot to me.


XANDRA: …You too, red.


HANNAH: …So whenever you’re done rescuing your drug dealer-


(Xandra takes out her phone and starts texting)


XANDRA: I’ll get someone else to pick him up.


HANNAH: So, party at your place tonight, then?


(Xandra smiles)


XANDRA: Always.


(Cut to Xandra and Hannah walking into her apartment, where a party is already being thrown. Lights strobe around as Migos plays and numerous patrons take shots, dance and do coke. Darla runs up to Xandra)



(Darla hugs Xandra)


XANDRA: Yeah, Darla, I live here!


(Darla relinquishes her embrace)


DARLA: But I thought you had to rescue that dipshit from the desert!

HANNAH: She sent someone else to do that.


XANDRA: Actually, I wrote the text, but I still need to send it. (Xandra takes out her phone and presses a button) Done.


DARLA: HANNAH! Oh my God, come here, you glorious angel child!


(Darla hugs Hannah)


HANNAH: Already on the molly, huh, Darla?


DARLA: Bitch, you know how I do! (Darla breaks the embrace and leads Hannah and Xandra over to a table full of Jell-O shots) Jell-O shots?

XANDRA: Obviously. (Xandra takes one, Hannah shrugs and takes one as well. They clink their shots and throw them back) Ugh, is this virgin?


HANNAH: Are you kidding me? It tastes like it’s 90% Everclear!


DARLA: 65%. And it’s only the first course, don’t worry, lovelies.


(Darla smiles and takes a Jell-O shot)


HANNAH: I should probably let Whitney know where I am.


(Hannah takes out her phone and Xandra turns to her)


XANDRA: Did you remember your swimsuit?


HANNAH: Oh, no, I didn’t, since, you know, I came directly from class-


XANDRA: You can borrow one of mine, don’t worry. These companies give me a bunch for free, so you can honestly just keep one of them.


HANNAH: Oh. Okay, lead the way.


(Xandra leads Hannah towards her room as she absent-mindedly puts her phone away. Cut to Bonnie walking into her home and throwing her laptop bag on the couch. She flips the TV on and it shows MSNBC. Steve Kornacki is anchoring)


STEVE: Steve Kornacki here in New York, for NBC News- (Lower third flashes “PRESIDENT GEORGE H.W. BUSH DEAD AT 94”) with the news coming to us just in the last few minutes-


BONNIE: Oh, my God.


STEVE: That the 41st President of the United States, George Herbert Walker Bush, has passed away at the age of 94.


BONNIE: They’re gonna praise him for two weeks straight, aren’t they? (Bonnie mutes the TV) Out of respect for Bush, I won’t change the channel, but I’m not gonna fuckin’ listen. (Bonnie sets the remote down and walks to her pantry. She opens it and sees a desolate selection. She sighs and grabs a box of Triscuits and shovels one into her mouth. She grimaces. She checks the “Sell By” date and it’s “April 3rd, 2015”. She regurgitates the cracker back into the sink. She spits a couple more times to make sure it’s out. Bonnie takes out her phone and clicks on her Uber Eats app- but then shakes her head “no” and puts her phone away. Suddenly, she gets a call from Noel and answers) Noel?


NOEL: (On the phone) Hi. Can I come over?


BONNIE: I don’t know, babe, I’m a little tired…


NOEL: Please, though? Because, I’m kind of…outside.




(Bonnie walks outside to see Noel sitting in his car across the street, on the phone. He gets out of the car)


NOEL: Hi, Bonnie!


BONNIE: Noel, what are you doing?


NOEL: I may have to live in here pretty soon, so I figured I’d move in right across from you.


BONNIE: Fuck’s sake, Noel, just get in here.


(Noel runs across the street, but a car speeds up and slams on its brakes and horn)


NOEL: (Dustin Hoffman impression) I’m walkin’ here! (Noel makes it across the street, and the car speeds away) You think he appreciated the reference?


BONNIE: I’m sure he loved it, just get inside.


(Cut to Noel sitting on the couch as Bonnie comes in holding two Coca-Colas. She hands one to Noel)


NOEL: I know I’m nineteen, but you can still offer me booze if you want.


BONNIE: Strongest thing you’ll get in here is a milkshake. (Bonnie sits down next to Noel) I like you a lot, but I’m not going to jail for you.


NOEL: But we could go together!


BONNIE: We’d have to angle for a co-ed prison, Noel.


NOEL: Right.


BONNIE: What’s going on? Why are you homeless?


NOEL: My pop is getting his stomach replaced. Set us back a few pesos, so now I gotta move back home.


BONNIE: Your dad’s getting his stomach replaced?


NOEL: Yeah. Don’t ask me how that’s medically possible. You know, they’re cloning sheep these days.


BONNIE: Noel, they’re cloning sheep like twenty years ago. This is a man getting his stomach replaced!

NOEL: I don’t want to go back there.


BONNIE: Why not? You’re in Malibu, right? It’s not too far.


NOEL: …I don’t want to go back there.


(Bonnie nods)


BONNIE: Do your parents fuck really loud or somethin’?


(Noel snorts out a laugh)


NOEL: Jesus, Bonnie.


BONNIE: Sorry. I’ve had a rough day, too.


NOEL: What happened?


(Bonnie sighs)


BONNIE: My asshole boss from my porno days says I owe a lot of money.


NOEL: Really? How much are we talking?


BONNIE: 1,200.


NOEL: Shit. For what?


BONNIE: I was a bit liberal at craft services. And dressing room racks. And the other actor’s coat pockets.


(Noel smirks)


NOEL: Sounds like they have it out for you.


BONNIE: Yep. $1,200 is a huge hit, but if I fight them, I’d have to pay even more in attorney’s fees. (Noel nods) I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I’m glad you came by, though.


(Bonnie rests her head on Noel’s shoulder. Noel brushes her head with his hand)


NOEL: I’m glad I came.


BONNIE: You can stay over, if you want.


(Noel nods, and looks at the TV)


NOEL: George H.W. Bush died?


(Bonnie turns off the TV)


BONNIE: He’ll still be dead in the morning, we can check on it then.


(Bonnie starts making out with Noel. Cut to Rob walking up to the bar at Shortsight. Miles walks over to him)


MILES: What’s your poison?


ROB: Whatever’s free.


(Miles takes out a Redd’s Apple Ale)


MILES: You know nothing’s free here. Not even ice.


ROB: Miles.


MILES: What? You tipped me $500 the other night!

ROB: I did? Jesus, I need to stop carrying so much cash when I’m drunk.


MILES: Are you having money problems?


ROB: …Do you ever wonder whether The Box would’ve been a success had we not been cancelled?




MILES: I don’t think about the past. It’s why I’ve never watched any of my movies.


ROB: But it was such a good idea.


MILES: Was it?


ROB: No, but worse things have lasted longer.


MILES: Ours didn’t make it to episode two. Almost every show has lasted longer.


ROB: Why don’t we revive it through Altmire-Grothman, huh? (Miles shakes his head) Why not?


MILES: The club is making money on its own, I don’t want to sink money into something so volatile.


ROB: I sunk money into this place too, where’s my cut of the profit?!


MILES: We haven’t MADE money yet, but as soon as we’re profitable, I’ll give you a call. Right after the Mafia gets their cut, that is.


(Rob throws his hands up)


ROB: That wasn’t the agreement, Miles!

(Miles shrugs)


 MILES: What can I say? You trusted a Grothman. (Miles starts cleaning a glass) You know, the Grothman clan invited the Altmire clan into their home back in the 17th Century, and murdered twenty-five of them while they slept.


(Rob double-takes)


ROB: What?! How have you never told me this before?!


(Miles shrugs)

MILES: I don’t focus on the past.


(Miles smirks. Rob shakes his head and storms outside. He pulls out a cigarette and lights it. Cut to Bailey pulling a Perrier out of the fridge in the break room. She closes the fridge door and finds Lilly on the other side)


BAILEY: Oh! Christ, Lillian, you startled me.


LILLY: Sorry. Could I talk to you for a second?


BAILEY: Sure, but make it quick. My kid kept me up all night. Little shit made me play in the sandbox with him, and I swear, it took me three hours to get all the sand out of my pussy.


(Lilly’s eyebrows raise)


LILLY: How did they-? Know what, never mind. I talked to Rob, he’s not interested.


BAILEY: Really?


LILLY: Yes. He’s got a lot of commitments right now.


BAILEY: I would’ve thought that cut of meat would take any opportunity to find the lens.


LILLY: Yeah, well, I guess you have to find someone else.


(Cut to Rob’s lit cigarette hitting the ground. A tear falls shortly thereafter. Pan up to show Rob quietly crying. Cut to Rob walking up to Altmire-Stone’s offices and finding that the plaque outside the office now says, “Stone Productions”. He furrows his brown and opens the door to the largely dark & quiet office. Cut to Whitney behind the desk in her office, reading an article about the death of George H.W. Bush)


ROB: (OS) Hello!?


(Whitney’s eyes go wide)


WHITNEY: Hello? (Rob’s footsteps come down the hall and he stumbles into Whitney’s office. Whitney stands up) Rob, what the hell?


ROB: (Drunken) I knew you’d still be here.


WHITNEY: Rob, leave.


ROB: I don’t understand what’s wrong with you. We’re supposed to be friends.


WHITNEY: But we’re not. Now, leave, or I’m calling security.


(Rob pounds his chest)


WHITNEY: That’s not usually their first resort.


ROB: Whitney. (Rob walks over and sits down in front of her desk) I know I’m drunk, but-


WHITNEY: Yeah, so does everyone within a two-mile radius.


ROB: Please sit down.


(Whitney narrows her eyes. She slowly sits down)


WHITNEY: You have fifteen seconds.


ROB: Miles screwed me. I want my job back.


WHITNEY: Out of the question!

ROB: So it’s just Stone, now!? You didn’t even throw Hannah a partnership?!


WHITNEY: That’s none of your business.


(Rob laughs and stands up)


ROB: I’m gonna buy this place out one day, you know that? (Rob sits down) Unless you want to take me back, which I’d do anything for, truly!  (Cut to Rob getting pushed out of Stone Productions’ office building by security) NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN, MARVIN! (The security guys close the doors. Rob starts to walk. Cut to Rob stumbling up the stairs and into his living room. He plops down on the couch when his phone rings. He picks up, it’s an unknown number. He answers it anyway) Hello?


BAILEY: (On the phone) Hi, it’s Bailey from Reynolds American.


ROB: Oh yeah, Lilly’s boss, right?


BAILEY: Yes, I just wanted to reach out to you and express how sorry I am that you declined to be involved with our latest print ad. Perhaps I could change your mind?


ROB: Latest print ad, what print ad?


BAILEY: The print ad that Lilly… (Realizing) oh. Did she not tell you?


(Rob looks angry)


ROB: …I’ll take it.


BAILEY: Wonderful! The shoot will be at 9am, next Friday, December 7th at the Reynolds American headquarters in-


(Rob hangs up. He then turns to Lilly, who is holding her purse, having just arrived)


LILLY: Hey. (Rob glares at her furiously) …What is it?


(Cut to Hannah snorting a line of cocaine off a mirror. She comes up for air and screams. Xandra and Darla cheer and pat her on the back)



(Xandra hugs Hannah and shakes her all about. Cut to Hannah and Xandra laughing and dancing in the middle of Xandra’s apartment to “Havana” by Camila Cabello, wearing only swimsuits. There are scores of other dancers and a strobe light in the corner. Hannah grabs Xandra’s hands and dances closely with her. Xandra’s phone goes off)


HANNAH: Do you need to get that?




(Xandra smiles and continues dancing. Suddenly, there’s a loud knock at the door)




(Everyone gasps and goes quiet. Darla pulls the plug on the stereo as all the partygoers hit the floor)


XANDRA: (Whispering) Everybody stay quiet and hide! They can’t come in without cause!


LAPD OFFICER: (OS) Can somebody yell that they have cocaine, so I can come in!?


(Everyone scatters, and Xandra grabs Hannah’s hand and drags into her bedroom)


XANDRA: My walk-in closet is sound-proofed.


(Xandra and Hannah walk into the closet and close the door behind them. Xandra slips down to the floor)


HANNAH: Has this ever happened before?!


XANDRA: Not here. Damnit, I thought all my neighbors were cool. That’s why I invited the whole building.


(Hannah puts her hand on Xandra’s leg)


HANNAH: You’re so nice, you know that? I bet people assume you’re mean, but you’re such a sweetheart.


(Xandra puts her hand on Hannah’s)


XANDRA: …Thanks, red. (Xandra smiles) You’re nice, too.


(Hannah and Xandra stare at each other and gradually move closer)


HANNAH: You’re just an incredible person-


(Hannah and Xandra start making out. “Never Be Mine” by Angel Olsen starts playing as Xandra starts undoing Hannah’s bra. Cut to Rob and Lilly in a screaming match in his living room. Rob angrily grabs an ashtray and throws it across the room- shattering it against the wall. Lilly is shocked and takes a step back as Rob viciously stares at her. She grabs her purse and storms out. Cut to Xandra kissing Hannah’s tits on the floor of the closet. Hannah sits back, her eyes closed in pure ecstasy. Cut to Whitney in her living room, furiously texting Hannah things like “where are you?” and “please answer me”. Whitney puts down the phone for a moment. Whitney shoots a look at the back door. Suddenly, tears stream down her face. She buries her head in her hands. Cut to Xandra eating Hannah out. Hannah is squeezing clothes that hang in her closet, as she’s rapt with pure bliss. Cut to Rob smoking a cigarette while watching late night TV, looking miserable. TMZ has a lower third showing “ROB ALTMIRE KICKED OUT OF BUILDING IN BEVERLY HILLS?” with video of him being manhandled and kicked out the door. Rob angrily stubs out his cigarette on the coffee table and takes a swig of boxed whiskey. As the song fades out, we cut to Hannah and Xandra waking up naked on the floor of the closet right as Darla comes in)




(Xandra and Hannah quickly cover up with their nearby bikinis)


XANDRA: Jesus! Darla, knock!


(Hannah looks mortified)


DARLA: Well, I didn’t think- whatever, the cops left. But I think we should call this off.


XANDRA: Yeah, no shit, sherlock. We have half a Keith Richards of cocaine in this apartment.


(Hannah grabs her phone nearby and notices the texts from Whitney)


HANNAH: Oh, shit!


(Hannah texts “so sorry! Went out with Kevin and McKenzie and lost track of time- heading home soon!”)




HANNAH: I have to go back, do you think I’m good to drive?!


(Xandra checks her phone)


XANDRA: Probably not- oh shit, I texted the wrong person about drug dealer tree-guy. (Xandra composes and sends a new text) That should do it.


HANNAH: Could you give us a second? (Darla bites her upper lip, sighs and leaves) I have to go.


(Hannah stands up and Xandra grabs her hand)


XANDRA: Just say you slept over at McKenna’s.


HANNAH: McKenzie’s.


XANDRA: Whatever!

HANNAH: I can’t! Okay. (Hannah sighs) I can’t believe I did this.


(Xandra stands up)


XANDRA: Hannah. I know you and your girl are exclusive, but…well, monogamy is just now how humans are built.


HANNAH: Xandra, don’t. Not this spiel again. This was a mistake. I’m sorry, I have to go.


(Hannah races off)


XANDRA: Hannah, wait!

(Xandra goes after her. Cut to Bonnie waking up to find Noel next to her, looking in her eyes)


BONNIE: Jesus, how long have you been up?


NOEL: A few hours. I had this vision overnight, and it gave me an idea.


BONNIE: Vision? You mean a dream?


NOEL: I don’t know the name, but sure. I had this vision that we lived together. And were both rich. And I realized, the best way forward for both of us, to save me money and make you enough money to pay back Saunders, is for us to move in together.


(Bonnie sits up)


BONNIE: Move in?


NOEL: Yeah! (Noel sits up) I could pay rent that’s cheaper than UCLA-


BONNIE: Don’t be so presumptuous.


NOEL: And you could collect enough rent to pay back Saunders in just two- or three-months’ time.


BONNIE: How about one month?


NOEL: Come on, Bonnie! We work, and this makes sense, don’t you think?


(Bonnie gulps)


BONNIE: …I mean, yeah.


NOEL: YES! (Noel bounces off the bed) I’m gonna make French Toast and then we’re gonna binge Animaniacs all day! Get ready!


(Noel prances out of the room, leaving Bonnie thrown off)


BONNIE: …That sounds kind of nice, actually.


(Bonnie gets up and walks out of the room. Cut to Whitney waking up next to Hannah, who’s wide awake and staring at the ceiling)


HANNAH: Whitney, I’m so sorry-


(Whitney sits up)


WHITNEY: Just. Stop talking.


(Whitney drags herself into the bathroom and slams the door. Hannah looks devastated. Cut to Rob fast asleep in his bed. A female figure comes over and gently nudges him. Rob turns over and sees Bailey)


ROB: Holy shit.


BAILEY: You ready to sign the paperwork, Robert?


(Cut to black)



Submitted: December 08, 2018

© Copyright 2021 NEONETWORK. All rights reserved.

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