The Valley of the Tools Episode 22

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

Rob tries to find his path forward after Lilly and him agree to give each other space, Whitney and Hannah's relationship breaks down, Luther and Evelyn try to find out who killed Ashton Delay and McKenzie and Kevin try a risky new tactic to cure her clinical depression







“If the words unspoken get stuck in your throat. Send a treasure token, token, Write it on a pound note, pound note”

  • Adam Ant


(We open on a shot of Bailey standing behind a photographer in a studio. The photographer is taking pictures of Rob, a lit cigarette hanging out of his mouth, posing shirtless on an exquisite red sofa in front of a bookshelf)


PHOTOGRAPHER: Alright, Rob, I want you to look right into the lens, okay?


(Rob nods and stares into the lens with widened eyes)


ROB: Like that?


PHOTOGRAPHER: Maybe not that, terrifying.


ROB: Got it.


(Rob stares sexily into the lens as the photographer furiously snaps photos)


PHOTOGRAPHER: Perfect, perfect, now, blow smoke. (Rob exhales smoke as he takes more photos) Oh, fantastic, how hold a book.


(Rob grabs a book off the shelf and looks at it, appearing confused)


ROB: Hold up.


PHOTOGRAPHER: What’s wrong?


ROB: Why am I in a library? Am I supposed to be an intellectual or something?




ROB: A shirtless, smoking intellectual?


BAILEY: I’ll take this. Rob, we market American Spirits to young hipsters, so yes, you’re supposed to be an intellectual who reads books.


ROB: Okay, but why am I shirtless?


BAILEY: You insisted on it!


ROB: …Right, I did, didn’t I?


PHOTOGRAPHER: Speaking of which, can you suck in your gut?


ROB: Photoshop it out, asshole!



(Rob reads the book as the photographer continues to snap pictures. Cut to Rob walking into his dressing room and grabbing his t-shirt. Bailey follows behind)


BAILEY: You really killed.


(Rob slips his T-shirt on as Bailey closes the door)


ROB: So does your product. (Rob smiles as Bailey walks closer) What are you doing?


(Bailey slides her hands under Rob’s shirt)


BAILEY: Sure you want to put that back on?


(Rob steps back)


ROB: Whoa. Stop.


BAILEY: What? Really?


ROB: Yeah, what are you doing?


BAILEY: Rob Altmire is refusing me? (Sighs) Jesus, I need to make a change.


(Rob blinks rapidly)


ROB: …Goodbye.


(Rob walks out the door. Bailey sighs heavily and rubs her temple. Cut to Rob at his house watching local news on his TV. Adrian Arambulo and Michael Brownlee are anchoring the NBC Local news Los Angeles)


ADRIAN ARAMBULO: It has not been publicly announced when the memorial service for Governor-elect Newsom’s father will be held.


MICHAEL BROWNLEE: In national news, Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker signed a bill today to strip incoming Governor Tony Evers of some of his powers. Walker defended the controversial bill by using a Venn Diagram showing what powers both Evers and Walker have in common. Unfortunately, he doesn’t know how Venn Diagrams work, which just underlines Wisconsin’s need for a Governor who is a teacher, like Evers.


ADRIAN ARAMBULO: Days after a heated, on-camera discussion between President Trump, Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer, the government appears to be headed towards a shutdown over demands for Trump’s wall across the US-Mexico border. Meanwhile, Mike Pence has barricaded himself in the White House pantry and refuses to leave.


MICHAEL: The U.S. Senate voted 56-41 yesterday to pull U.S. aid for the Saudi-led war in Yemen, marking the first time the Senate has invoked the War Powers Act to halt a military conflict. Outgoing Speaker Paul Ryan chose not to bring up the bill for a vote in the House, because his legacy was not tarnished enough and it needed a few hundred thousand starving children thrown in.


ROB: Why am I watching local news?


(Lilly comes in and Rob shoots up)




(Rob stands up)


ROB: Why didn’t you call?


LILLY: I…I thought you might not answer. Can we not look at each other while we do this?


ROB: Do what?


(Lilly sighs and looks down)


LILLY: I’m sorry for what I did, okay? (Beat) It was shitty of me not to tell you. I just didn’t- I just didn’t want you to steal the spotlight again, but I know that was selfish.


ROB: That’s sweet. Would’ve been sweeter two weeks ago.


LILLY: I know! Okay?! Don’t you know how hard it is for me to admit that I’m wrong?


ROB: Well. In the spirit of the Christmas season, I forgive you. (Beat) But I think we need some space. Just for a while.


LILLY: …That’s probably a good idea. I have to go to my stupid parents’ house for Christmas break anyway.


ROB: They’re not stupid.


LILLY: They’re from Phoenix.


ROB: Okay, yeah, they’re stupid.


(Cut to Whitney sitting in her office reading Deadline Hollywood. The cover has a picture of John Lithgow with the headline “John Lithgow is great- Shouldn’t he be in something again?” Whitney flips to a profile on Xandra and immediately becomes disgusted. The spread shows Xandra in a red dress giving a sexy pose. The text beside her reads “Is Instagram Model Xandra having a Moment? She Thinks So”. Whitney closes the magazine and tosses it onto the desk. Cut to Evelyn sitting at Luther’s kitchen island while Luther brews coffee in his sweats. Evelyn is already fully dressed)


EVELYN: Will that take much longer?


LUTHER: It’s almost ready.


(The cup fills with coffee, Luther grabs a plate with a scone on walks over near Evelyn)


EVELYN: Finally, I am positively starved.


(Luther hands Evelyn the coffee)


LUTHER: You could’ve had your scone while you waited-


EVELYN: That’s improper! I heavily prefer having breakfast all at once.


(Luther hands Evelyn the scone, but a large bang from upstairs causes him to drop the plate onto the carpet)




EVELYN: What was that ruckus?


LUTHER: I don’t know. They need to be careful considering the history of this place-


(Luther leans down to pick up the plate and scone, but freezes once he notices a piece of gray matter stuck between the carpet and the wall)


EVELYN: It was most likely just their dog again. (Luther squints) Luther? You haven’t completed your action.


LUTHER: Hold up.


(Luther walks over and delicately picks up the spec of brain matter)


EVELYN: What is it?


(Luther turns around)

LUTHER: Oh my God.


(Luther throws the piece onto the counter. Evelyn squints at it)


EVELYN: What is that gray globule?


LUTHER: The memory of Ashton’s first fuck, I think.


(Evelyn inspects it closely)


EVELYN: Really? It’s brain?


LUTHER: I think so!


EVELYN: It’s been almost five months, how have we not noticed it?


LUTHER: I don’t know.  (Evelyn picks it up and inspects it closer) Evelyn, don’t touch it!

EVELYN: Why? It’s not alive.


LUTHER: Exactly!

(Evelyn turns to Luther)


EVELYN: You’d rather me slice open some poor man’s head and yank a string of brain from his still-alive brain? Get real, Luther.


LUTHER: Jesus Christ, Evelyn, that’s not what I meant!

EVELYN: You know they’ve never caught who did this.


LUTHER: I know.


EVELYN: I’ve been listening to a plethora of true crime podcasts as of late, and let me tell you, this is tailor-made for one of those.


LUTHER: …I have too. And I think you’re right. (Beat, and then they look at each other) Maybe we could take a crack at it.


(Evelyn smiles)


EVELYN: Let’s get our hands dirty.


(Cut to Evelyn and Luther gathered around Luther’s laptop, on the couch)


LUTHER: Okay, we gotta think, who would kill Ashton and why?


EVELYN: He was a drug merchant, so a rival drug merchant seems plausible.


(Luther nods)


LUTHER: Babe, you can just say “dealer”.


EVELYN: I’ll say what I want.


LUTHER: ‘Kay. We gotta think about what kinda place this was when Ashton lived in it.


EVELYN: Okay. I believe it was a drug den, of some sort.


LUTHER: Yeah. Like a bando. A bando, full of drugs, and, and stinky whores.


(Evelyn squints)


EVELYN: St-stinky whores?


LUTHER: Yeah, like a bunch of stinky whores crawling around, arms full of needles and shit-


EVELYN: Okay, so this apartment was populated by foul-smelling prostitutes, for some reason-


LUTHER: Yeah, and Ashton probably had some violent folks in here to do drug deals-


EVELYN: Why did these whores smell? Do they not shower?


LUTHER: Evelyn-


EVELYN: Is it body odor?


LUTHER: Evelyn, you’re getting hung up on the “stinky” part-


EVELYN: Well, it’s a weird detail.


(Luther sighs)


LUTHER: We know from public reports that there was a tripod left behind.


EVELYN: Right.


LUTHER: But they don’t know whose it was.




LUTHER: But they said it was brand new. Not used at all, perfect condition.


EVELYN: Maybe they had just bought it.


(Luther thinks for a second)


LUTHER: Yes! We could go to the nearest Best Buy and see who bought a tripod that day!


EVELYN: Oh, that’s perfect! Say it again!


(Evelyn holds up a boom mic)


LUTHER: What are you-?


EVELYN: I’m Evelyn Prost and this is murder mystery podcast “When Whites Get Killed”. I’m here with Luther Moon-


LUTHER: Evelyn, you have to change that name.


(Cut to Whitney sitting in her office, throwing the Deadline Hollywood into the trash bin. She turns away from it and looks out the window. Hannah pokes her head in)


HANNAH: Hey, have you heard from McKenzie?


(Whitney turns to Hannah)


WHITNEY: She hasn’t come in?


HANNAH: No. When she’s sick, she usually leaves a fifteen-minute message about how sorry she is and how much she values me.


(Whitney bites her upper lip)


WHITNEY: …Have you tried her cell?


HANNAH: Yes, numerous times.


WHITNEY: Have you tried Kevin?


HANNAH: Good idea, I’ll try him-


WHITNEY: No, I can do it. You prepare for the meeting with the Tosh.0 writers.


(Hannah sighs)


HANNAH: If we need comic relief in the Susan B. Anthony miniseries, why the fuck would they be the ones to write it?


WHITNEY: They’re cheap.


(Whitney picks up her phone and waves her out. Hannah rolls her eyes and leaves. Cut to Kevin running a bath for McKenzie, who is softly crying, naked in the tub. Kevin grabs a bar of soap and hands it to McKenzie. She grips it, but it slips out of her hand and she starts crying)


KEVIN: Kenz.




(Kevin recoils)


KEVIN: I can’t keep calling into work.


MCKENZIE: I know, I’m sorry- (McKenzie grabs Kevin and starts kissing his face) You’re so good to me and I love you so much-


(McKenzie continually plants kisses on Kevin, but he pulls away)



(McKenzie sits back)




KEVIN: Just listen. (Beat) Without interrupting.  I can’t keep calling in. There needs to be a better way to handle your…episodes. (Tears start streaming down McKenzie’s face as Kevin gets a call) Hold on.


(Kevin gets up. Cut to Kevin outside the house on the phone)


KEVIN: Hey, Whitney, McKenzie is sick-


WHITNEY: (On the phone) Why didn’t she call?


KEVIN: I don’t know, I guess since she was vomiting her guts out, it must’ve slipped her mind!


(Kevin chuckles fakely)


WHITNEY: What does she have?


KEVIN: You know, the flu, maybe malaria, global warming’s supposed to make that more common, you know! (Kevin chuckles) I have to stop chuckling.


WHITNEY: Why do you sound-


KEVIN: Gotta go! Happy Christmas! (Kevin hangs up, before aggressively pulling out a pack and cigarettes and packing it. McKenzie walks outside, still naked and delirious. Kevin turns around and drops the pack) Jesus, Kenz! Cover up!

(Kevin hugs McKenzie to cover her up. He turns to an older couple staring at them while walking their dog on the sidewalk)


MCKENZIE: I thought about what you said-


KEVIN: Hi, good to see you, Mr. and Mrs. Anderson! (They continue to stare) Let’s go inside!

(Kevin leads McKenzie inside and closes the door)


MCKENZIE: I thought about what you said.


KEVIN: You couldn’t have put on a towel?


MCKENZIE: I think I should be somewhere, where they can help me. You shouldn’t have to put up with this all the time.


KEVIN: No. (Kevin kisses McKenzie on the mouth) It’s not for my sake. It’s for yours.


(McKenzie smiles, looks down and tears up. Cut to McKenzie and Kevin sitting in a doctor’s office and speaking with an older, white male doctor named Dr. Kirby. McKenzie is now dressed in sweats and a De Leon 2020 t-shirt)


DR. KIRBY: Do you drink caffeine?


MCKENZIE: Yes. All the time.


DR. KIRBY: How many-


MCKENZIE: Maybe, three cups a day.


DR. KIRBY: Oh, wow.


KEVIN: Nothing compared to all the people you swallow up on the daily, right, Dr. Kirby?




DR. KIRBY: I don’t know why people keep saying stuff like that to me. (To McKenzie) Do you drink?




DR. KIRBY: How many drinks a week, roughly speaking?


MCKENZIE: Four or five on the weekends.


KEVIN: What about those brunch mimosas?


MCKENZIE: Oh, right, then it’s fourteen per week.


KEVIN: Good lord!

MCKENZIE: I like brunch!

DR. KIRBY: Tell me you don’t smoke.


MCKENZIE: Not anymore. Well, I started again, but before that, not anymore.


DR. KIRBY: How many packs a day?


KEVIN: Hey, I don’t know what magic star you rode in on, but this is about McKenzie’s mental health, not about our shitty habits!

DR. KIRBY: Well, if medicine hasn’t worked for you, Ms. Park, I might know something that will.


MCKENZIE: What is it? I’ll do anything!

KEVIN: Do we have to go on a quest to defeat Meta Knight to get it?




DR. KIRBY: It’s a little something called…Electroconvulsive Therapy.


(McKenzie raises her eyebrows)


MCKENZIE: …Can I go to Dream Land instead?


(Cut to Rob walking up to Miles’ bar as he cleans glasses)


ROB: This is your last chance, Grothman. (Rob slams down paperwork) Let’s create something, like you promised, or I’m pulling out.


MILES: Skeet against the wall, I guess.


(Miles smiles. Rob shakes his head)


ROB: Gross!


(Rob signs the paperwork and slides it over to Miles, then leaves. Cut to Rob sitting across from Dr. Sabling in his home. Rob is ashing his cigarette into a tray as Dr. Sabling takes notes)


DR. SABLING: We haven’t been as consistent recently.


ROB: Things come up.


DR. SABLING: Things like what?

(Rob takes a big inhale and exhale of his cigarette)


ROB: You heard what Lilly did.




ROB: Well…Miles told me to fuck off today.


DR. SABLING: That’s a lot of rejection.


ROB: Oh, good job! (Rob puts his cigarette down and starts clapping) You got to the core of my emotional state! You wanna cookie?


DR. SABLING: Do you wanna not be angrily sad at me?


(Rob stops clapping)


ROB: It’s a comforting way of processing things. Asshole.


(Dr. Sabling tilts his head)


DR. SABLING: You know what helps when we feel rejected?


ROB: No, tell me, old wise one.


DR. SABLING: It helps to go to where we feel like we belong.


(Rob guffaws and picks his cigarette back up)


ROB: What if that’s nowhere?


DR. SABLING: There’s always somewhere.


ROB: My dad’s dead, my other dad’s a piece of shit, my siblings hate me, Lilly and I are “getting space”. Whitney pushed me out, Miles pushed me out. Gold’s Gym kicked me out for hover-boarding around the track.


DR. SABLING: I didn’t say “go somewhere you feel accepted”, I said “go somewhere you feel like you belong”.


(Rob takes a beat to consider this. Cut to Whitney staring at the waste basket with Deadline Hollywood in it. She taps her fingers on the desk, until finally she grabs it and opens it to Xandra’s profile. She begins speed reading. Eventually, she comes to something that shocks her. Cut to Hannah in the creative lounge, looking out the window while Robin types away on his laptop. Robin looks up from his computer)


ROBIN: Something bothering you?


(Hannah turns to Robin)


HANNAH: Who, me?


ROBIN: Yeah.


HANNAH: …Kind of.


(Hannah sits down)


ROBIN: You know what helps me through trying times?


HANNAH: Please don’t preach to me about Satan-


ROBIN: The Dark Lord, Beelzebub.


(Hannah sighs)


HANNAH: It’s somehow more annoying than Christian proselytizing.


(Whitney comes in)


WHITNEY: Robin, could you give us a moment?


(Robin turns to Whitney)


ROBIN: Sure.

(Robin gets up and leaves. Whitney closes the door and throws the Xandra article on the desk)


WHITNEY: Have something to tell me?


(Hannah leans forward and sees Xandra’s face in the magazine. She leans back and clears her throat)


HANNAH: What’d she say?


(Whitney shakes her head)


WHITNEY: Nothing explicit. But I know by the look in your face what happened.


HANNAH: What’d she say?


WHITNEY: She said, among other things, “I like girls”, “I like redheads” and “I can’t remember the last time I had a party that didn’t end with me making out with an adorable ginger”. It was all pretty subtle.


(Hannah looks down)


HANNAH: I’m so sorry.


(Whitney furrows her brow)




(Hannah shushes her)


HANNAH: Quiet! (Whispered) This is personal, between us.


WHITNEY: What did you do with her?!


(Hannah starts crying)


HANNAH: …I made a terrible mistake…


WHITNEY: Of what nature?


HANNAH: I was drunk. (Sniff) We made out. We made love.


(Hannah starts sobbing. Cut to Robin, Bonnie and Alec standing outside the door, listening in with great intrigue)


WHITNEY: (OS) Am I expected to feel sorry for you?


HANNAH: (OS) NO! I’m sorry!


(Cut to Whitney and Hannah in the creative lounge. Whitney has shed a tear)


WHITNEY: …Of course. Maybe I brought this on myself, but-


HANNAH: No, you didn’t-


WHITNEY: LET ME FINISH. (Clears throat) I thought I could trust you. (Wipes away tears) I want your shit out of here. (Whitney storms out of the office, causing Noel, Bonnie and Alec to quickly run from the door) BACK TO WORK!


(Alec, Bonnie and Noel duck into their respective workplaces. Cut to Luther and Evelyn speaking with a Best Buy employee named Doug at Customer Service)


DOUG: Listen, sir, I can’t just look up transaction records for you, because you’re “curious”.


(Evelyn looks at Luther, and he nods. Evelyn puts her hand on Doug’s hand)


EVELYN: Come on, cutie-


(Doug pulls his hand away)


DOUG: OKAY, FINE! I’ll do it! Just don’t do that to me again! (Evelyn and Luther look at each other and shrug, as Doug looks something up on the computers) Okay, yes, one man bought a tripod on the afternoon of July 29th. And a Godiva chocolate bar at the impulse counter.


LUTHER: What was his name?


DOUG: Peter Durham.


EVELYN: Shit, there must be 11,000 Pete Durhams in LA.


DOUG: Nope, sorry, wrong transaction, his name is Shaggard Bogannfister.


LUTHER: Alright, thanks for your help!

(Luther and Evelyn rush off. Cut to Evelyn in her office, hunched over a filing cabinet drawer, filing through files. Luther appears to be keeping watch)


EVELYN: Is anyone coming?


LUTHER: No, no one so far. How do you have access to apartment records?


EVELYN: I’m a realtor, I have records of who sold apartments to whom.


LUTHER: Yeah, but you didn’t sell this guy his apartment.


EVELYN: No, but I know where all the big realty firms in LA are, and I have sharp elbows that can pierce glass without getting cut.




EVELYN: My doctor said I’m a super-human. (Evelyn closes the drawer) He’s not here, let’s break into the next one. Are your recording!!?


(Luther pulls out a microphone)


LUTHER: We’re breaking and entering, we can’t put this on the podcast that now apparently have!


(Cut to Evelyn pulling up to an apartment building in the daytime, with Luther wearing a blue jumpsuit and carrying a spray bottle)


LUTHER: …I hope this works.


EVELYN: Why would it not work? You go up to Shaggard’s apartment as the exterminator and look for a spare key so you can get in later.


LUTHER: I know, I know. I just feel like I saw this in a movie and I remember it didn’t work out well.


EVELYN: Oh, please, Luther. No one would make a movie about this. You won’t even let me record this for the podcast.




(Luther kisses Evelyn. Luther gets out and Evelyn lights herself a cigarette. Cut to Luther walking up the stairs. Cut to Luther approaching apartment 8B. He lightly taps on the door. He waits for a few seconds, then knocks again. Nothing. He begins to leave, when Shaggard abruptly opens the door. Shaggard is a grubby, stubbly, beanie-wearing burnout)




LUTHER: Yo. Pest Guy here.


SHAGGARD: What you want?


LUTHER: Gotta spray. The building sent me.


SHAGGARD: A’ight. But these goddamn scorpions better be gone by the time you leave. (Luther nods nervously and walks in. Shaggard sits on the couch and boots up Netflix. Luther begins spraying water throughout Shaggard’s kitchen) You watch Big Mouth?




SHAGGARD: It’s creepy and awful, but I can’t stop watching it.


LUTHER: Cool, cool.


SHAGGARD: I fuck with cartoons, though.


(Luther starts silently opening a drawer)


LUTHER: Uh-huh.


SHAGGARD: You know that Lois Griffin bitch?




(He sorts through the drawer)


SHAGGARD: She can get it.


(Luther closes the drawer and moves onto the next)


LUTHER: You watch the Sabrina reboot yet?


SHAGGARD: Nah, that’s girl shit. (Luther finds a spare key) You almost done?


(Shaggard looks behind him as Luther quickly stuffs the key in his pocket)


LUTHER: Yes, sir. (Luther walks over to the front door) Those scorpions won’t know what hit ‘em, you know what I’m sayin’?


SHAGGARD: Yeah, sure, man, cool. Thanks.


LUTHER: You enjoy, Big Mouth.


SHAGGARD: Actually, I’m gonna switch over to porn.


LUTHER: Cool. Well, enjoy yourself. (Luther smiles and leaves. Cut to Luther rushing out of the apartment building and jumping in the car) Go!


(Evelyn puts her cigarette out and slams on the gas. Cut to Evelyn speeding down the highway as Luther pulls out the key and shows it to her)


EVELYN: Stupendous! Where’d you find it?!


LUTHER: His kitchen drawer. Right next to a photograph of some tied-up blow-up dolls.


EVELYN: That’s so sexy. (Luther gives her a look) I mean. Not the blow-up dolls, the- (Cut to Luther slamming Evelyn onto the bed and making out with her. They’re already half-naked) Take me, detective!


(Luther starts unclasping Evelyn’s bra. Cut to Whitney sitting behind her desk, quietly sobbing, with a ledger of employees in front of her. Hannah has been crossed out. Whitney shakes her head and grabs a water bottle and finishes it. She throws it across the room. She gets up and makes a drink for herself- gin and tonic. She ambles back to her desk and logs onto Facebook. She scrolls through her timeline and sees a post from McKenzie linking to an article that reads “Mick Mulvaney to Replace John Kelly as Chief-of-Staff Temporarily” and McKenzie has posted “This White House is in CHAOS! Retweet if you agree!” She notices McKenzie’s profile picture is of her and Hannah at a bar, smiling side-by-side as Rob throws up in the background. Whitney grimaces. She takes her pen and crosses out McKenzie’s name on the employment ledger as well. Cut to McKenzie and Kevin in a room with Dr. Kirby and an ECT machine)


KEVIN: So, you’re saying you’re gonna put the zap-zap on her noodle and she’s gonna get happy?


DR. KIRBY: In less primitive terms, but yes.


MCKENZIE: But, what are the side effects? Brain erasure?


DR. KIRBY: There will be some slight memory loss. A couple of days, probably.


MCKENZIE: A couple of days? That’s nothing, why would I want to remember the last few days? Fucking miserable- can you make it erase prom night too?


DR. KIRBY: No, ma’am, we can’t specify what it erases.


KEVIN: Then what the hell is it for?


DR. KIRBY: To cure her depre- did you forget why we’re here?


KEVIN: Daddy wants some forget-me zaps too, okay?! I gotta be convincing on the witness stand in a couple weeks.


MCKENZIE: Strap me in, Doc! I’m ready to feel better!


DR. KIRBY: Very well. First, you’re gonna have to sign this mountain of paperwork.


(Dr. Kirby hands McKenzie an encyclopedia’s worth of paper-work. Cut to McKenzie in a chair, with electrodes being strapped to her head by nurses. Dr. Kirby is standing close by)


MCKENZIE: Buy a girl a drink, first, huh?


DR. KIRBY: Why would you say that?


MCKENZIE: Can you erase my second date, too?


DR. KIRBY: Alright, Sweaty Tom, pull the switch!

(McKenzie looks over to a sweaty, musty blonde dude wearing a jumpsuit and standing right next to a huge switch with a big smile on his face, and a creepy giggle bubbling up)


SWEATY TOM: (Thick southern accent) Your word is my command, Doctor!


MCKENZIE: Wait, I’m not getting executed am I-


(Tom pulls the switch. Cut to a POV shot of McKenzie waking up. She sees Dr. Kirby, Kevin and her parents Cory and Sheila Park)


SHEILA: Honey?


CORY: Can you hear us?




SHEILA: Yes, honey, it’s us, how do you feel?


MCKENZIE: My head hurts. What’s happening?


SHEILA: Your boo pulled us out of a movie for this, that’s what’s happening.


MCKENZIE: Am I in a hospital? Did I get that fucked up last night?


KEVIN: Well, you-


MCKENZIE: Jesus, must’ve been one hell of a Birthday party.


(Kevin’s eyes widen)


KEVIN: …Birthday party?


(Kevin looks at Dr. Kirby)


DR. KIRBY: When was her birthday party?

KEVIN: Like, four months ago.


MCKENZIE: What are you guys talking about?


SHEILA: Kenzie, stop freaking out your parents! How rude of you!

MCKENZIE: Wait, what do you mean four months?!


DR. KIRBY: Let’s talk outside.


(McKenzie shoots up)


MCKENZIE: NO! Let’s talk right here!

CORY: What did you do to her?!


KEVIN: You said It would be days!




DR. KIRBY: Ms. Park, you just had Electroconvulsive Therapy to treat severe depression.




DR. KIRBY: We thought you would lose a few days, but…let me ask you something. What year is it?


MCKENZIE: It’s 2018.


DR. KIRBY: What month is it?


MCKENZIE: I-I-I thought it was August, but you’re acting like-


DR. KIRBY: Ms. Park. (Dr. Kirby draws the blinds to reveal a sunny Los Angeles day) …It’s December.


KEVIN: Still looks like August, chief, but yes, babe, it’s December.


MCKENZIE: The fuck are you talking about, it’s December?!


(Cory turns to Dr. Kirby)


CORY: You’re gonna get the pants sued off of you, buddy!

DR. KIRBY: Listen, I swear this never happens!



(McKenzie pushes Kevin)


KEVIN: Babe, I wish I was fucking around with you, but, no, this is real. I’m so sorry.



KEVIN: You did. We both did.


(McKenzie storms out of the room and Kevin goes after her)


SHEILA: Could you push that thing into overdrive and erase the last twenty-four years for me?


(Cut to Kevin chasing McKenzie out of the hospital)


KEVIN: Kenz!


(McKenzie begins standing and crying in the parking lot. Kevin hugs her tightly)




KEVIN: I don’t know. I’m so sorry.




KEVIN: No, babe, no he didn’t. He also kinda sucks now. (McKenzie cries harder) Shhhh.


(Cut to McKenzie curled up on her couch as Kevin takes a cup of hot cocoa over to her. She sips it as Kevin sits beside her and they stare at their Christmas tree)


MCKENZIE: …Did Gillum win?


KEVIN: You know, you can look these things up.


MCKENZIE: I’m sorry. It’s just so bizarre that I lost four months of my life. Just like that.


KEVIN: Hopefully we can sue them for so much money we can buy you some safer electrodes for the brain. (Kevin sips his hot cocoa) So, do you want me to brief you on your life since August?




(McKenzie gets up and examines an ornament on the tree)


KEVIN: What?


MCKENZIE: You don’t think that…


KEVIN: …Don’t think that what?


MCKENZIE: …You don’t think that maybe the events of the last four months triggered my clinical depression and could do it again?


(Kevin quietly consider this. Then gets up and walks over to McKenzie and hugs her from behind and begins swaying with her)


KEVIN: I’m just glad to have you back.


(Cut to Rob sitting in the outdoor portion of a coffee shop, sipping on a cup of joe. Dana Walden walks by)


ROB: Dana!


(Dana turns to Rob)


DANA: Oh. Rob. Hi.


ROB: Sit! Let’s catch up.


DANA: Rob. Do you really think that’s a good idea?


ROB: Is your gay husband nearby?


(Dana sighs)


DANA: Rob, we could end up on TMZ. Oh, that’s right, you were already on there recently, weren’t you?


ROB: I’ve had a rough couple of…decades.


DANA: Shut up. It’s great to be you.


ROB: I know you don’t actually think that. How are things at FOX?


DANA: Wealthy. How are things at- oh, that’s right, you were canned.


ROB: Who taught you small talk? Divine?


DANA: You’re better off anyway. Whitney’s off her rocker, she just fired two more people.


ROB: Really!?


DANA: Yeah. Her little girlfriend got canned.


ROB: Hannah?!


DANA: Is that her name? Yeah, she’s gone. And right after she hired that homeless Satanist.


ROB: Wha-


DANA: Just between you and me, I think CBS is gonna drop them if they don’t get their shit together soon. Stone Productions is so chaotic, you might mistake them for the White House.


ROB: Hmm. I’m sure that would’ve killed if this were a fundraiser at Barbara Streisand’s house.


DANA: Well, that’s where I’m heading actually. Good talking to you. Merry Christmas.


(Dana leaves. Rob looks inspired. Cut to Rob walking into the Wilshire building where Stone Productions is located. The Security Guard jumps up from his desk)


SECURITY GUARD: Yo, I was told not to let you in, man!

ROB: Ever see that TMZ video of me punching Adam Scott into a Jacuzzi a few summers back?


SECURITY GUARD: Go right ahead.


(Rob smiles)


ROB: Thanks.


(Rob presses the elevator button. Cut to Rob walking into the Stone Productions office. Alec looks up from his laptop)


ALEC: Rob?


ROB: Hey, Ryan.


(Rob blows past Rob)


ALEC: Whitney, Rob is here!

(Cut to Rob entering Whitney’s office. Whitney jumps up)




ROB: Forty-five minutes. That’s all I’m asking for.


WHITNEY: Fuck off.


ROB: What’s that?


(Rob points to a CBS Studios memo on her desk)


WHITNEY: It’s, nothing.


ROB: It looks like a memo from CBS Studios, and it doesn’t look positive.


(Whitney sighs)


WHITNEY: They want us to give Susan B. Anthony a love interest. She was single her entire life.


(Rob shakes his head)


ROB: Damn studios wanting everything to be about men.


WHITNEY: No, they want her to have a female love interest.


ROB: …Really? Why?


WHITNEY: Because, and I quote, “obviously a woman whose single her whole life has to be a lesbo”.


(Rob chuckles)


ROB: Jesus H. Christ.


WHITNEY: Why the fuck are you here, Rob?


ROB: Because I feel comfortable here. (Rob sits down and Whitney groans, so he quickly stands) Sorry. Whitney, you know why they’re dicking you around?


WHITNEY: No, Robert, please, fill me with your wisdom.


ROB: They’re gonna cut you loose. Ran into Dana Walden this afternoon. She said the industry thinks of Stone Productions as too volatile.


(Whitney sits back)


WHITNEY: She told you this?


ROB: Yes. (Rob points to the bar) Do you mind?


WHITNEY: Getting me a drink? Go ahead. You can stay sober though.


ROB: Too late for that.


(Rob goes over and pours two whiskeys. She walks the whiskey back to Whitney and sits down and sips his own)


WHITNEY: That would explain so much of their recent behavior.


ROB: Can you blame them?? Miles, Hannah and I are gone-


WHITNEY: McKenzie too.


ROB: Aw, you fired McKenzie!?


WHITNEY: She doesn’t know it yet, but, yeah.


(Rob shakes his head)


ROB: They think the wheels are coming off.


WHITNEY: Why are you telling me this?


ROB: Well. (Rob sips his drink) I think I should return.


(Whitney chuckles and looks out the window)


WHITNEY: Are you serious?


ROB: I am. I feel like this is where I belong.


WHITNEY: Did your production company and…bar, not work out?


ROB: It was far more bar than production company. (Rob leans forward) If you hire me back, that would indicate to the people at CBS that there’s some stability returning.


WHITNEY: YOU’RE stability?!


ROB: I’m more stable than a homeless Satanist!


WHITNEY: Robin’s a good guy.


ROB: I’m sure he is, but, Whitney, I’m the person who can prove that there are actually people who want to work for you! I mean, your own girlfriend quit!

WHITNEY: I fired her. She’s my ex.


(Rob pours the rest of his drink into her glass)


ROB: Sorry to hear that.


WHITNEY: You just ruined my drink with backwash.


ROB: Have me back, Whitney. I can help it look like you’ve steadied the ship.


(Whitney sighs)


WHITNEY: …I guess so.


ROB: What? Wait, that worked!?


WHITNEY: It wouldn’t have, but- (Whitney throws a magazine spread towards him, showing Rob’s ad for American Spirits) CBS told me they wanted you for Astro-Manda. Guess what, she gets a love interest, too.


(Rob chuckles)


ROB: It is a great campaign.


WHITNEY: You’re replacing Hannah. You do not get your partnership back.


ROB: Not until I earn it.


WHITNEY: Whatever.


ROB: I want McKenzie back.


WHITNEY: We’ll talk about it.


(Whitney stands up and pours her drink into the trash can and walks over to her mini-bar to make a new drink)


ROB: …I’m sorry about Hannah.


(Whitney pours a drink)


WHITNEY: …Thank you.


(Cut to Evelyn pulling up to Shaggard’s apartment at night. Luther is dressed normally this time)


LUTHER: Honk if Shaggard comes, alright?


(Evelyn puts a microphone to her mouth)


EVELYN: Yes, Captain.


LUTHER: Babe. Not outside of the bedroom, alright?


(Evelyn salutes him. Luther kisses her and gets out of the car. Cut to Shaggard’s empty apartment. Luther walks in and sees a tub of lotion and tissues on Shaggard’s coffee table. Luther shudders and walks over to Shaggard’s desk. He starts pulling out drawers and searching around. He finds a CD labeled “Santa Monica, July 2018”. He’s intrigued, but then he hears talking outside, panics and jumps in the closet. Rainstorm and Shaggard come in)


SHAGGARD: Rainstorm, I swear, I’m not-








(Rainstorm throws a glass cup against the wall and it shatters)










(Luther clings to clothes in fear as he looks through the closet slats)


SHAGGARD: You just intimidate me, sometimes, that’s all, dude!

RAINSTORM: Bro, there ain’t supposed to be nothin’ intimdating, it’s a simple deal.




RAINSTORM: You don’t rat out Ryan to the cops. (Luther can’t help but gasp a little bit, but he covers his mouth) And you don’t fuckin’ die, how is that intimidating?


SHAGGARD: It’s not bro, but the way you say it has me buggin’ sometimes, bro, I swear.


RAINSTORM: Oh, bitch, you want calm!? Let’s do calm then, nigga- (Rainstorm grabs the “Santa Monica, July 2018” CD) let’s watch my cousin’s wedding tape, because it’s fuckin’ beautiful, man!


SHAGGARD: I mean, I’m down!


RAINSTORM: Man- (Rainstorm pushes Shaggard to the ground) WE AIN’T WATCHIN’ THIS SHIT! I gotta bring it back to my cousin anyway. YES OR NO, ARE YOU GONNA TELL THE FUZZ THAT RYAN KILLED ASHTON!?




(Rainstorm punches Shaggard so hard it knocks him out)


RAINSTORM: Goddamn right.


(Rainstorm takes the CD and storms out. Luther quickly opens the closet door, goes over to check Shaggard’s pulse, nods, and then quickly runs out. Cut to Luther getting in Evelyn’s car)


LUTHER: Did you not see anybody!?


EVELYN: What? No. Did someone come in?


LUTHER: No. No, no one came in. Nope. Didn’t find anything. This was stupid, let’s go.


(Evelyn looks at Luther)


EVELYN: …Okay… (Evelyn starts the car and drives away. Cut to Luther walking into the apartment, with Evelyn close behind, throwing her keys on the counter. Luther stares at the spot where Ashton had his brains blown out. Evelyn walks up to him) are you alright?


LUTHER: …Yeah.


EVELYN: Would you like to engage in sexual-


LUTHER: No. Evelyn, not tonight. Sorry. I just wanna go to bed.


(Luther walks into the bedroom. Evelyn looks let down. Cut to Rob walking into Stone Productions one morning. Alec stands up and shows Rob an LA Times headline that reads- “TRUMP ANNOUNCES WITHDRAWAL OF TROOPS FROM SYRIA”, alongside a sub-headline “Trump Makes Announcement as Shutdown Looms”)


ALEC: (Old-timey voice) Did ya hear?! Our boys are comin’ home!

ROB: (Old-timey voice) Well, hot dog!


(Whitney comes over, carrying a cup of coffee)


WHITNEY: This is a bad thing, actually!


ALEC: (Normal voice) How?


WHITNEY: Because Trump did it! For…Putin! Yeah!


(McKenzie comes in)


MCKENZIE: Hey, guys.


WHITNEY: Hi, Kenz.


(McKenzie walks over to Rob, Whitney and Alec)


MCKENZIE: (To Rob) Morning, boss.


ROB: Pardon?


MCKENZIE: Where’s Ryan?


ALEC: Ryan doesn’t work here anymore, why can’t people get used to that?


MCKENZIE: Oh. (Nervous chuckle) Right, of course. Do you want coffee, Rob?


ROB: …If you’re offering.


MCKENZIE: I’ll grab your favorite mug, hold on. (McKenzie walks into Rob’s office, but then immediately comes back out) Did someone steal your desk!?


(Rob looks to Whitney)


ROB: Can I keep her?


WHITNEY: As long as you don’t make demeaning remarks like that, yes, you can keep her.


(Rob pumps his fist)


MCKENZIE: What is happening?!


(Cut to Rob in his car, later that day, driving home. NPR is on)


NPR: Live from NPR News in Washington, I’m Lakshmi Singh. It remains unclear whether a continuing resolution to keep the Government open will be signed by the President, despite overwhelming odds it will be passed by both Houses. Honestly, turn it to Rush Limbaugh if you want more complete information on the what’s going to happen.


(Rob turns down the radio and sighs)


ROB: (Whispering) Fuck am I gonna do…


(Suddenly, Joe Altmire appears in Rob’s passenger seat)


JOE: You know what you have to do.


ROB: Oh, go to Hell, your advice is never sincere.


JOE: Hell? Already there.


ROB: Wait, did you actually go to Hell when you died?


JOE: No, but I’m sitting right next to you and that’s close enough.


ROB: You know what, fuck you, dad!


JOE: Fuck you, son!


ROB: You’re not my real dad!


(Brad Lamborn appears in the back seat)


BRAD: Hey-o!

ROB: Go away, real dad.


BRAD: Okay!

(Brad disappears)


JOE: I may just be an acid-induced hallucination, but I know a thing or two! I was in the war!

ROB: I was in that war that Fight Club talked about!


JOE: Oh, shush! Be a man, go over there and tell her it’s over!

ROB: I asked if I could come over last minute and she didn’t seem super enthused! What does that tell you about our relationship?!


JOE: That you gotta break it off! You can’t trust her to do what’s right!


ROB: Maybe she’ll break up with me, God, that’d be so much easier.


JOE: Oh, you coward.


ROB: I don’t want to hurt her.


JOE: The road to life-long happiness is littered with broken hearts. I just didn’t break enough. (Rob looks at Joe) You don’t want to end up like your mother and I, do you?


(Rob looks back at the road)


ROB: I guess not. (Joe is gone) I guess I don’t.


(Rob pulls up to Lilly’s apartment. Rob gets out and walks toward it. Cut to him knocking on her door. Lilly opens up, clearly emotional, her eyes bloodshot)


LILLY: Get in here.


(Rob walks in and Lilly closes the door)


ROB: Whoa, what’s going on?


(Lilly sniffs)


LILLY: I… (Lilly gulps) Bailey fired me.


(Rob’s eyes widen)


ROB: …What?


LILLY: She didn’t even give a reason.


(Lilly hugs Rob and softly sobs in his chest)


ROB: Oh…that jerk.


(Rob’s eyes widen, realizing why she fired her)


LILLY: I’m sorry about everything-


ROB: Shhh, it’s alright.


(Lilly sniffs and looks up at Rob)


LILLY: …Why’d you want to come by?


(Rob scratches his beard)


ROB: …I just wanted to see you.


(Lilly smirks and hugs Rob again. Rob now looks terrified. “Reborn” by Kids See Ghosts comes in. Cut to McKenzie walking into her home to see Kevin, in full pilot uniform. McKenzie walks over and kisses him hard as she tears up. Cut to Miles serving a drink to Al Pacino. Pacino sips the drink as Miles admires with stars in his eyes. Cut to Luther sitting on the side of his bed, with his finger hovering over the call button for Ryan’s number, as Evelyn is fast asleep. Cut to Bonnie clinking wine glasses with Noel on their balcony. They drink and Noel smiles at her. Bonnie smirks but, tries to avoid eye contact. Noel hugs Bonnie and Bonnie reluctantly hugs back. Cut to Hannah sobbing as she carries a box out of Whitney’s house. Whitney stands in the doorway, staring sternly. Cut to Hannah sitting in a hotel room, with her finger hovering over Xandra’s call button. Her finger’s shaking, and she ultimately decides to put the phone down. Cut to Whitney sitting her empty house, watching House, M.D. She’s not even paying attention to it, mostly wrapped up in her own problems. Cut to Whitney walking up to the bartender in a bar. She orders a drink and then eyes a brunette woman at the other end of the bar, waving at her. She nods politely. The woman begins to make her way over to Whitney, but Whitney grabs her purse and leaves, causing the woman to stop in her tracks. Cut to Rob lying in bed naked with Lilly. Lilly is asleep on Rob’s chest, but Rob is wide awake, with great worry on his face. Cut to Bailey admiring Rob’s spread for American Spirits late at night in her bedroom. She slips her fingers into her pants. Cut back to Rob, now sitting on the side of his bed, looking at the same spread. Zoom into that spread. Cut to black)



Submitted: December 22, 2018

© Copyright 2021 NEONETWORK. All rights reserved.

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