My rainbow

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic
A little piece of my life written down for the first time.

Submitted: December 22, 2018

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Submitted: December 22, 2018

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Lost in the darkness. Everything around me is dark, whereever I look.

Years went by. Years full of fear. Years full of pain and sadness. The monsters that were following me, made sure I lost myself in this darkness.

That started kind of peacefully. First, I lost myself in my actions. I didn’t know where I was headed and where I first used to see hundreds of small roads, I now saw none. Next, I lost myself in what I felt. I started feeling more anxious each day and everything that brought me joy once, now gave me the chills. Last, I lost myself in my thoughts. And that’s when it got dangerous.

The darkness didn’t just enter my thoughts. The worst part was that I started to believe these thoughts. And I still do. Every night, a thousand questions rush through my mind. Am I even worth it? Can I do this? Should I even be here of would everyone be better off without me? And it wasn’t me, but my thoughts that would answer these questions. No, I wasn’t worth it. No, I can’t do this anymore. I won’t make it and everyone would be better of without me. Nobody would miss me.

There are moments when I gain control over the situation. At those moments, I can tell the monsters in my mind that they’re wrong, that I can do it and that there are people who love me and who’d miss me. I always repeat these words about a million times, but in the end it all comes down to the same thing: It’s not true. The monsters are right.

For a very long time, I used to punish myself for these thoughts. I blamed myself for the fact that some people were able to say those kinds of things about me. How could I let that happen? I’m someone who always wants what’s best for others and still, there are some people who can say things like that to me. There has to be a reason for that, right? I must’ve done something wrong. And I couldn’t accept the fact that I’d do things wrong, because that caused people to react the way they did. And so I punished myself. In ways that weren’t very helpful, but at times like that they were. Those ways were my only solution to let go of the pain.

I’ve punished myself for a very long time, I guess if went on for about almost five years. It went on until I met someone who showed me that punishing myself wasn’t an option anymore. This person was exactly what I needed. Someone to show me that the monsters in my head weren’t right. That what they told me and what they put inside my head was wrong. Thanks to this person, I found another way to handle the things I did wrong in the eyes of those around me.

Every single bad thing I used to think about myself started to fade away. I regained my vision on where I was headed and started to see those hundreds of little roads again. I found my joy in the things I used to love, but the most important thing of all was that I realized that every dark thought was a lie and that the positivity that came my way was real.

This person showed me I was worth it. She showed me that there really is a rainbow around every corner. And that person became a big part of my rainbow, because if it weren’t for her, I wouldn’t be looking at life the same way I am now. Of course I still struggle, but I’ll get there. I’ll make it.

This person is my best friend and she literallly saved my life. That’s something I will always remember.


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