The rabbit hole

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic

Submitted: December 30, 2018

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Submitted: December 30, 2018

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The rabbit hole

A piece from a diary.

It has been three days now, feels like the three most difficult days of my life. I feel guilt, sadness but most of all, a heaviness of hart like an ocean filled with emotions that is constantly rising over me with its big waves. A storm that never decreases and memories sitting as portraits in my brain. In all of that, a hurricane of labyrints that i cant find my way out of. My head is one big shaken mess, a mess i desperatly trying to organize. I love a woman, a woman that i’ve hurt, a woman wich i eventually lost. Not any woman, a woman of pure perfection. Her beaming smile, long flowing hair and shining blue eyes wich i constantly lose my self in. Eyes filled with wonder and curiosity, yet wise with desire. Eyes so wide, so deep, filled with passion, filled with beauty, filled with her. But her soul is the magical trait, a trait like made of star dust, pure and beautiful. As if it had traveled through the galaxy to finally achieve its purpose and settle down in her torso. A personality thats filled with determination and calm, yet an intelligent mind.

My life turned into a long desired dream, a dream wich i almost set free until i met her for the first time. I met her glance outside the train station, leaning over my car, nervously asking; ‘So where are we going?’ wich i in response got; ‘I dont know, you can choose’. A line that wandered back and forward in our later relationship. As we started talking i couldn’t awoid noticing her voice, its sensual overtones, its delightful affection in my ears. It was like something i never heard before.We spent that lovely summer day with a cozy picnic next to a lake. I remembered it as a windy day, a little colder than usual, the sun was shining but so did she. We sat down under a big bush, and there we had our own round hut. She sat on her jeans jacket in front of me while i picked up the goodies from our picnic bag. Lemonade, rapsberry, grapes, cookies and her favorite, blueberry. We talked and laughed, but i couldnt stop starring at her beautiful eyes and her lips wich had a delightful movement.

My desire to kiss her was huge, while i at the same time was battling my feelings.  I didnt want to fall in love too quickly and put my feelings at risk. Shamefully i lost the battle to my heart and asked her if i could kiss her, wich i in response got; ‘I am sick and dont want to infect you’. My feelings had already taken control of my mind and so i leaned over and gave her a simple kiss. Her response was a kiss off a defending nature, for my health ofcourse, very kind. I wouldn’t care if she so gave me fever, i just wanted her lips to touch mine, showering her in all of my deep affection and passion. I fell deeply in love with her that afternoon. On that same day, in the evening, i was meeting a dear friend of mine. I was walking towards him at distance, as he already heard the news and asked me how it went. My response was quick, a bit loud and frightening at the same time. I answered with; ‘I’ve met an angel’. Then i felt a quick thought off foolishness pass my head because i hardly knew her. But i couldn’t have said it with other words, she was an angel in my eyes, custom-made for me. It was a day i would never forget.

Our relationship contained a strong bond and an active love. My whole life revolved around her, we we’re doing everything for eachother out of pure love. Like a fairytale, i missed her lovely smile when i was at work. Her warm body touching mine, that pleasing smell of her hair and the taste of her lips. But it was the small things that made me melt, the way she looked at me when we made love, starred deep into my eyes and said; ‘I love you’. I felt so pleased, so happy. Her glance made me weak every time. But in the mist off all shining moment’s there were sometimes grey clouds stretching over the rabbit hole. She fellt sadness, sadness that i created. Things that i did, unnecesarry fights and desperate words coming out of my mouth. I didn’t recognize myself, i didn’t understand how i could hurt her. Shamefulness and grief took over my body. I knew that everytime i hurt her with my selfishness and blind jealousy, she would take a step back from me. She never did anything wrong. But it was never pure jelausy of others, but more the feeling of impending loss. A thought that she would look at someone else the same way, it was fear. I understand that now. Deeply inside i maybe felt that i didn’t diserve her forgiveness, i made mistakes.

My bad sides went over her head one day, she felt sad and finished it all. She didn’t believe me anymore and could not see me changing, who could blame her. My actions made her sad and full of sorrow. My mistakes had turned it all to something dark. It was a pain i had never felt before. In all the chaos a thought returned. I had for a long time balanced on a line between atheism and believing in a creator, a god. If god was karma, or if he was a simple psychological illustration in my mind, a tool too get higher selfesteem and the answer to all my dreams, like a wish on a falling star. My thought returned with a feeling that i got the love that i wished for, but if i took it for granted it would be taken away from me. An infinite circle of karma. Did i take her love and trust for granted?

The days after we had separetad i relized everything, it was like a stone containing all the toxic feelings had dropped from my body. I felt like the man she once met, the respectful and polite gentleman. I realized what i had lost and pledged myself to never let the poisonous feelings put their seeds in me ever again. I wanted to show her the real me, the one she met that summer day. I wanted to show her how much we had in comon. The engraved letters on her watch will never be a lie, i love her.

I dare to belive that i will find my way to her and the rabbit hole again. All i want to see in the end is her happiness, my dear bunny.

 


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