Dreams not nightmares

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Religion and Spirituality  |  House: Booksie Classic
I dream this at night and I'm not afraid.

(TRIGGER WARNING)

Submitted: January 01, 2019

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Submitted: January 01, 2019

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When I can't tell if these are dreams or nightmares

I think of a life where I was happy

I try real hard 

I then realize that I was never happy.

 

On good days I think of the barrel of a gun

I think of how cold it would feel in my hand

I think of how hard it would be to pull the trigger

I think of how it might burn as the bullet goes through my flesh

I think of how it might ache as the bullet goes through my skull

I think of how warm the barrel will be once the shot is fired

I think of closed eyes and red seas

This is what I dream on good days.

 

On worse days I think of razors

I think of how cold the blade will feel between my fingers

I think of the sting of the blade on my skin

I think of rivers of red leaking from deep lines

I think of how my eyes will close

I think of how empty my body will feel

Then I think of me remembering that I was always empty in ways I can't explain

This is what I dream on worse days.

 

On terrible days I dream of pills

I dream of taking each pill one at a time

I dream of taking an entire bottle

I dream of shaking the bottle only to be greeted by empty

I dream of the edges beginning to turn dark 

I dream of fuzzy feelings

I dream of no pain

This is what I dream on terrible days.

 

If anyone asks why I love to sleep, this is why.

These dreams are a reminder that there is a way out. 

 

-Most nights I pray these dreams come true


© Copyright 2020 Je'mapelle mademoiselle. All rights reserved.

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