The Recognition of Faults

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Editorial and Opinion  |  House: Booksie Classic
A few descriptions of faults I see in myself

Submitted: January 04, 2019

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Submitted: January 04, 2019

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As I, for the seventh time this week, stare up at my ceiling, I wonder if there is something wrong with me. The questions that haunt me and keep me awake are mostly to do with my own faults and attempts to create a character for myself.

"Who do you want to become", today is the last day, or rather night, ill get to think about that question. The thing that terrifies me is that I have absolutely no clue as to where I'm heading. I thought of a quote from the movie Inception: 

"You're waiting for a train. A train that will take you far away. You know where you hope the train will take you, but you can't know for sure. Yet it doesn't matter."

The problem I have with this is that I only think I know where the train will lead me if that makes any sense. My own brain is telling me just to keep going, but the questions just keep piling on, one after another. Questions like why we are here don't really bother me that much anymore, it is more questions like what I am supposed to do because I guess I am just that egotistic. I feel an empty space between myself and other people I meet, not in the way that we talk, or have rather deep conversations about different subjects, but when I lie down I say to myself, "None of these people has any idea of what i have going on, nor will anybody understand the problems I'm facing". Because deep down I'm embarrassed that while I do think of myself as rather intelligent, are having problems and breaking down over things as simple as building my own character.

I think of it rather unending, a constant tearing down of the wall my mind has built around itself. The thought that I can bear any form of responsibility without thinking about it all night wears me down. And while I do hope that I can someday just put faith in a train, till then I just have to hold on I guess.

 

Sry for the depressing tone just felt like letting something personal out on a kind of anonymous site, so thank you for reading all the way through, I appreciate it.


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