My Best Friend Bert - #12

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

This is my first of the Bert stories for the new year and I have added a new character, Millard Duncan. I hope everyone likes it.

 My best friend, Bert, and I decided to walk to the Town Center and take a gander at the new Library; it's a real Dozy.

As we were walking along, chitchatting about the weather, we noticed Millard Duncan trimming his rose bushes, so we wandered over to his side of the street to give him a high-five over how good the flowers looked.

Millard can talk your head off if he's in the mood and maybe that is why his roses grow so well. Some experts say that talking to your plants can promote growth. So when it comes to gabbing and growing roses, well, Millard is one of the best.

Millard has won the County Fair Rose Competition three years in a row, and Bert and I agree, he's likely to do it again this year.

Bert and Millard don't talk much because they don't see eye to eye on almost everything, but Bert does admire Millard's Green Thumb.


As we walked up behind Millard we could hear him mumbling about something, but I just figured that he was talking to the roses. And Millard is talkative, so we pretty much ignored that and congratulated him about how good his roses were looking.

To which he replied, "It's all about the roots, we can't be having the roots too compacted, no sir.

Every year I rotate. These two bushes, here, I dug them up just before spring, right after the frost was over, and I shook the old soil from off their roots. Then I replanted them in a new mix of nutrient rich soil, and my own special blend of compost."

Bert and I had hoped for a less gabby response and my personnel feeling was that I didn't want to get bogged down in a lengthy conversation about growing roses.

I guess Bert felt the same because he responded to what Millard said with, "Well, it’s been nice chatting with you, got to go."

But with Millard, things don't end quickly. Millard replied, almost before Bert's words ended, by asking. "Where the hell are you two going in such a hurry?"

"To see the new Library," I blurted out."

Millard smiled with a mischievous looking smile, and then said, "Oh, I was invited to the opening day calibration, me and the Misses. Yes sir, whoever designed that place sure did a fine job; that Library has everything, even Wi-Fi.

But you know what bothers me?"


I started to answer, and Bert started to walk away, but Millard just kept talking.

He said, "There is something going on with the English language, at least it is around here; elsewhere too, I guess.

I have noticed that people are adding words to sentences that aren't needed; for instance.

I was watching one of those house renovation shows and the renovator lady was talking about removing an old kitchen and redoing it. Then she said the extra word. She said, "We'll have to change things UP, UP being the unneeded word.

Let's face it, in a world where faster is better, where acronyms and one letter words run ramped.

In a space where Fab is substituted for Fabulous and Info for Information, and where a text-ed sentence or expression might be CU or LOL; then why in the world would anyone start adding words where the meaning is already known?


Well hell, I'm wandering off track. Let's get back to, UP.


The kitchen is being renovated, right? That is a (given) upgrade right there.

I mean would you take out a kitchen and replace it with a worse kitchen? --- Of course not!

So "Changing Things" is a sufficient sentence to explain what you are going to do. But to say, “Changing Things, UP", that is just overkill!


When someone is rounding numbers then it makes sense to use UP or DOWN because one needs to know which way you are rounding the numbers.

Or when one is talking about a river, or stream, then UP or Down is often used to explain direction, and rightfully so.

Even the phrase, "Let's shake things UP" doesn't make a lot of sense. If one is shaking something they are either shaking it from side to side or in an up and down direction, they might even shake it all around, but it is impossible to shake anything (just) UP. Don't you agree?"

I was about to respond when Millard continued, by saying, "Then the realtor on the TV show said that she would like UP-grades. Was she thinking that there could be DOWN-grades, --- seriously?"


Well Bert had had enough; he can't stand too much jibber-jabbering.

Maybe that is why he and I get along so well, we don't talk all that much, unless he is doing most of the talking.

Anyway, Bert told Millard that he didn't watch those dumb shows, so he didn't care about which direction anything went.

And, of course, Millard took offense and called Bert an anti-social, ill-informed media illiterate, whatever that is.

Then they both hurled insults back and forth until Bert ended the discussion with a hardy, {"UP-Yours, Millard!"}.



D. Thurmond / JEF


Submitted: January 05, 2019

© Copyright 2020 D. Thurmond aka JEF. All rights reserved.

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Nice to read more of Bert, jE.

Sat, January 5th, 2019 9:05pm



Mon, January 7th, 2019 9:29am