Newfie Dan

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

Submitted: January 11, 2019

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Submitted: January 11, 2019



Growing up in St.John's Newfoundland in the !950's it was a time of change for the province. First, it didn't become a part of Canada until 1949,when we were a dominion or commonwealth one of those things of England. Then we had a couple of elections to see if we wanted to stay with England, or become a part of Canada, or maybe become part of the United States. But in the end we became Canadiens with Joey Smallwood as our first premier, a job he would hold on to like grim death. And during the war, towns like St. John's, Gander, and others grew bigger, thanks to all of those yank dollars. 

Well, in our part of St. John's, over by Malta Street, and Empire it was still a bit rural, but eventually new housing would come in and knock down the trees, if you owned any farm animals like we did, 6 chickens, a horse, we had to give them up because we were now in the vincinity of the city limits of St. John's and now farm animals were not allowed. But we were allowed to keep our Uncle Dan, or as many of his friends called him "Newfie Dan".

Newfie Dan got his name during the First World War. He served on a warship, and with his thick strong newfie accent, alot of the british sailors sometimes had trouble understanding him, plus he was from Newfoundland, so the two went together, and Newfie Dan was born. Now many people at the time felt that Joey Smallwood was a character, but Joey had nothing on Newfie Dan.

Newfie Dan was a kind hearted man, a big man, about 6'1 190lbs, held down jobs when he could, you might say he was a jack of all trades. He would stay at a job for no more than 5-6 months then quit and get another job. From milkman, to road repair crewman, to typesetter at the local newspaper, it seems like if there was a job out there, Newfie Dan would take it, if it was only for 5-6 months at a time. He also liked his liquor, beer, and Newfie Schreech. For those of you who have never heard of Newfie Schreech, put it on your bucket list of things to try.  He wasn't a drunk per say, only on the weekends, and on hoildays,birthdays, on "special occassions" which if i remember there were quite a few of he would put on his drink. But with his drink, would come some memorable happenings.

There was a time, on Christmas Eve, and the whole family and the rest of the neighbours were al at our church celebrating midnight mass. All except Newfie Dan, until about half way throught the service, Dan comes in, and he was doing some christmas celebrating before he got into the church with a bag of bangers,(sausages) and in the back of the church, he takes them out of the bag and puts them on the radiators of the church and begins to cook them. It took a few minutes before anyone noticed, and when an usher did, he went over to Newfie Dan and asked him nicely to please put the bangers back in the bag and either sit quitely in a pew, or maybe sit in the priest office til after the service. Dan sat in a pew in the last row by himself, and when the usher went back to his station in the aisle, Newfie Dan takes out one of the lukewarm bangers and starts to eat it. Can't remember if he had a wafer and wine to go with his banger.

Or when a neighbour up the street had a big Newfoundland dog named King. It was summertime and a bit warm for Newfoundland, must have been 73 degress,(thats warm for St. John's) and the lady who owned the dog wanted to get its hair cut. So, Newfie Dan offered to do it for 3 dollars. Dan had the dog in the back of the house with hair clippers, and he was trimming away, every so often taking a sip of whiskey to wet his whistle. Snip snip here, snip snip there, sip sip here and there til Newfie Dan had the dog looking like it its hair was cut with a lawn mower. What a mess ! So, he starts to trim more here and there, and everywhere, til the middle of the dogs body was cut almost to the skin, but his head and tail didn't get that much cut off at all. Suddenly, the dog breaks free, guess he had enough of this, and takes off for parts unkown.  The owner comes by asking for her dog, and Newfie Dan couldn't lie to the lady, and when he told her want happened, well she let him have it. Those words coming out of her mouth would make a sailor blush, and Newfie Dan was a sailor, so he was blushing, or maybe that was from the whiskey that made him blush. Anyway, he didn't get the three dollars.

As for the dog, he showed up on an American air force base outside of town, and there was an emergency on the base. Seeing the way that the dogs hair was cut, some yank thought that a lion got loose on the base(whats a lion doing in Newfoundland?) so the mp's went out into their jeeps to trak it down and shoot it, but luckly someone realized that it was just a dog with a bad haircut.

Then there was the time when Newfie Dan was coming home from a lodge meeting, Elks,Moose, Knights of Columbus, or maybe he was just coming home from the local tavern, it really didn't matter to him, any excuse to bend the elbow and talk to his mates.

He walks down the street, not so much in a straight line, but as close as someone who has had as much as he had to drink, walks up to the house and begins to put the key into the lock. But the key would not fit. Thinking that he has the wrong key, he takes another one from the key chain and tries that, but that too doesn't fit. Well getting alittle annoyed, he needs to go to the bathroom, he starts to bang on the door, its 2am by the way. Bang Bang Bang!!!

A light comes on inside the house, he hears someone approaching the door. "Hurry up, i gotta go!" he says to himself. The door opens, and with that his mouth opens and drops to the floor." Momma,Poppa,Baby,Dad!!" hes thinking. A beautiful woman, wearing a red see through nighty, wearing high heel shoes answers the door.  "Who the hell are you she says?!" By then Newfie Dan realized he is at the wrong house, but still he needs to use the bathroom, or the rose bushes behind the house, whichever is closer. He tells the lady that he is sorry, that he got the wrong house, having abit to much to drink, but if she would be kind enough to let him use the bathroom? She agreed, but told him to hurry up, she is "expecting someone"

Luckly, the bathroom was on the first floor, so it was easy for Dan to get there quick. Zipping down his pants, he lets out a huge sigh, "AAAAHHHH!!! boy that felt good!"  Before he gets the final word out of his mouth, the guest that the lady in the nighty was waiting for shows up. "Who do you have in there!" he bellows in a deep baritone voice. Just then Newfie Dan is coming out zipping up his pants, with a smile as big as all outdoors on his face. "Its not what you think,Jack! He came in just to use the bathroom!"  the lady says. By then Newfie Dan has sobered up enough to see who was the other man. It was a member of the city government paying a call to a lady who offers "special services". Newfie Dan puts out his hand to shake this fine upstanding member of city governemt. "I know you, your a fine man, and i voted for you in the last two elections." "Well thank you for your support". says the startled town official. Then the redfaced official says to Dan, "Say, i'm in need of some help in my office, always looking for new talent, if you know what i mean? Think you would might be interested in working for me?" 

So, that is how my uncle Dan, or Newfie Dan began his career in city politics. At least for the next 5-6 months.


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