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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
A diary of a dead man.

Submitted: January 12, 2019

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Submitted: January 12, 2019



October 21st, 2018

As I stood in the metro gazing to the unknown I looked around and saw a guy I despise, a guy I wish that he was killed by a chemical bomb. I started recalling my childhood and years of "innocence". I was him at some point of my life. Stupid, arrogant, nerdy, annoying, noisy and most of all, lacking strength. I remembered that I used to be like that. Why am I giving him a tough time? Why am I such a dick? Then, it hit me! The guy I am today, is the guy I despised 10 years ago. Confident, sociable, sarcastic, outgoing and most of all, showing strength. I'm caught up between 2 worlds I lived in. Between 2 worlds I despised and despise. Who the hell am I?

November 1st, 2018

My quest to be the good guy led me to fulfill the prophecy of being a bad guy. I've always been blinded all of my life by the famous line: "Good will prevail eventually. If good is not there, it's not the end." That always gave me a boost and encouraged me to be a better person and seek to be a good guy, but it's been tiring. In all the books, movies, plays... there's always this battle between good and bad. In religious books, bad wins if you don't hustle to be good. In comic books and movies, bad wins at first but then good takes the win home. Nonetheless, who in the fuck is authorized or given the power to decide what's good and what's bad? I haven't, in my life, thought that a comic is going to make me think, but he did. And since, I've started looking around after I took a step back to see more of what I'm going through, I realized that a lot of concepts are fed to us since we were little kids. A propaganda is beaten into our minds to keep us from thinking outside the box. The box is corrupt. I'm trying to leave the box. What truly is good? Is being a bad guy, bad? I've come to think of it this way; too many good guys are trouble.

November 24th, 2018

My metro trips this year made me think about a lot of shit. Maybe it's the long time spent alone on a metro full of people or maybe the combination of different odors or is it different lives? Tonight's trip made me realize how pitiful and lifeless of a person I am. I saw a group of friends laughing. I saw a couple chatting. I saw a cute girl having lavender hair reading a book. I saw a man wearing a suit looking exhausted. I saw a woman resting her tired head on the window's glass. I saw a young man wearing headphones and lip syncing a song. I saw an old married couple arguing for the 5000th time. I saw a little girl with her pink backpack sitting in her mother's lap.  And I felt... I felt overwhelmed by all the emotions, feelings and thoughts shared by some people in a range of 5 meters. I felt emotionless. I felt like I was crushed by a thousand ton.

December 7th, 2018

I think I figured out why I'm off for the past two months. depressed, weak and vulnerable. it's because I'm telling people that I feel depressed and what not. the only way to get better is to fake being better and tell the world that I'm better.

December 9th, 2018

Fuck this shit, I might just quit; call it an ending and cut my wrist. I tried to fit, but I am a misfit and for the last time I want to admit: I forgive you all, who gave me a hit; I love you all, who loved me a bit.  I can finally die and be dead too, look at your jokes, what it led to. Look at my wrist, I just had to. I couldn't resist I thought it's best to, kill myself and put an end to, this fucking misery and this hell hole. This is my victory, I’m not a lost soul. I lived a mystery, and now I am solved. Before I go now, last thing I want to say; fuck you all, bye! I'll miss you all, okay? You are the reason that brought me demons, end my life and brought me evil. Killed inside and chopped to pieces. You shut my mouth when I started speaking and now you want to talk cause my wrists are bleeding? Where the in fuck were you when I was pleading? Shut up now, this body's leaving… all my life I asked for freedom and now I'm getting it, so goodbye people... I'll miss you... don't miss me.

© Copyright 2019 Heath Gebreek. All rights reserved.

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