Rambo Christmas Mum

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Writers Rift

Submitted: January 19, 2019

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Submitted: January 19, 2019

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Rambo Christmas Mum

 

One day several years ago my husband drew a picture which horrified me but our daughter Shada Storm loves it and treasures it to this day. I looked at what Shadow Husband had drawn and got very scared. Was it possible that I hadn’t kept my big secret as well as I thought? Did he have suspicions that I had a secret job? How could that have happened? I believed that I had hidden it very well. I was always home before my family arrived from work. What was my secret job you may be asking? I had to advertise to get the business, maybe Shadow Husband had seen it? I had published a large ad in a secret newspaper. The newspaper was named quite clearly: SECRET JOBS THAT WE WANT TO HIDE FROM OUR PARTNER and other innocent activities we don’t want to reveal I doubted that there was much chance that Shada Husband would ever have read that ad. So how could he know? I hoped that he hadn’t glanced at it at work. I am sure it isn’t even sold there. This is how the ad went.

***

On one bright sunny day in December, I decided to take a stroll down Norwood Street to get some exercise. That was certainly one walk that I will never forget. The first thing that happened which amazed me was noticing a large brown dog being chased down the street by a small black cat. He was yelping pitifully with the cat hissing after him as he ran. As I was watching this strange sight I was unaware that a stripped tabby was creeping up on me. All of a sudden one of my trouser legs was being attacked from behind. I turned around and tried to defend myself by kicking with my free leg. Finally, I managed to escape and took off running down the street. I’m not sure where the dog ended up. I guess he’s hiding somewhere. I then walked home trying desperately to avoid any other menacing cats. I saw a couple. One was chasing a small dog up a tree and surprisingly seemed unable to follow. That certainly appeared to be in reverse of what one would expect. The other cat was just lying down cleaning its fur. Hang one on a minute, just what was he cleaning of his fur?  I think it is probably best I don’t know.

I went out for several more walks after that day eventually getting used to the strange behaviour of the animals around me. I even started taking a tranquiliser gun with me which I just happened to find mysteriously left on my doorstep. I started to shoot the cats on sight leaving them sleeping peacefully on the footpath or lawn. Strangely nobody else as far as I could tell seemed to notice the weird things happening or my shooting spree. I felt that this was just as well. I wanted my family to continue thinking of me as a nice lady, not a mean green killing machine. Well, technically I only ever put the cats to sleep.

Two weeks after the strange happenings started I noticed a new shop mysteriously had appeared which I knew did not exist before. I walked in to discover that it was a magical shop, full of lots of strange things. The shop owner was quite talkative and was very interested to hear about the strange animals that were around at the moment. He mentioned a special newspaper that he sold and suggested that I place an ad. He even told me about a very secretive place that would house all of the cats for a relatively small price.  The shop owner told me that only a few special people were ever allowed to enter this place and that I was not allowed to breathe a word of this shop to anyone, or my privilege of being allowed to browse here would be taken away.

I decided to pick up the newspaper and buy it. Upon arriving home, I sat down and wrote the newspaper ad which I handed into the shop the next day.

“Just beware phone calls could come from anywhere in the world,” the elderly shop keeper informed me.

“But how will I get there,” I responded sounding very worried. 

The man then pointed to a magical scooter and replied. “A lot of my customers use that machine. It can transport you to any place in the world in just a matter of minutes. But don’t forget to wear your crash helmet. Keeping your balance at the start is very tricky as it speeds through the world like Superman on cocaine.”

“Superman would never take drugs,” I muttered under my breath while walking over to the scooter and looking at the expensive price tag. “Where am I going to hide it from my husband,” I asked not really expecting a decent answer from the chap.

“Don’t worry about that,” the man replied. “As long as you remember to activate the invisibility function via remote control, your husband should never see it. But of course you still have to be careful where you place it as your family could still trip over an invisible object and that would come as a huge shock to them. It has happened to several of my customers’ friends and family which has not been good. One even ended up in the hospital and it was really strange when they had no idea of what had happened. So please be very careful.”

I then paid for the scooter and a shiny blue crash helmet. It was lucky that the man accepted credit cards. I certainly hoped that my advertisement was a success so that I could manage to pay off the huge debt that I had just created that day.

“Let’s go out the back,” the man suggested, “for some riding practice.” He opened up the back door and I was amazed at the space. It seemed to go on forever like infinity.

I put on my sparkling new crash helmet, popped on my brand new scooter, turned the key and started to drive at full speed.

I felt O.K. But how was my new scooter? I noticed a big crumpled mess in front of me. All of the money I had just spent was now down the drain. I sat down on the nicely mowed lawn and started to cry. I was so upset.

“Don’t worry,” the man reassured me as he reached for the remote and told me to activate the instant repair function.

This scooter was certainly worth the money that I had paid. It looked as good as new. I couldn’t believe it. It felt like I was an actress in a science fiction show. I spent the next hour in the shop's backyard and by the time I had finished I was starting to ride like a pro. I then waved goodbye to the friendly old chap, told him I was off home and disappeared in the wink of an eye on my new found expensive toy.

My next job, of course, was to find a great place to hide it. I placed it in front of my car and almost forgot to turn on the invisibility function. Feeling absolutely exhausted I went upstairs hopped into my bed and slept peacefully for the next hour. I was then woken up from my sleep when my cell phone started to ring. It was a Japanese man with my first job. He was complaining about a grey stray cat that kept stealing his washing of the line. Even though he was talking fluently in a foreign language, surprisingly I could understand him quite clearly. He wanted to know if I would accept Yen as payment for the job.

“Yes, I will,” I answered. “I shall be there in about 10 minutes.”

It was definitely an exciting job for me, travelling to various places in the world. That was my first visit to Japan and differently exciting. I did wish desperately that I could confide in my family but I keep remembering what I was warned about. I had to keep this a secret.

I did have a lot of phone calls after my ad went into the newspaper. My two sons were beginning to wonder where I was taking off to all the time, but of course, I couldn’t tell them the truth.

On Christmas Eve I got my most exciting call yet, luckily we were just having fish and chips for tea with everyone coming over at about 5 PM, so I didn’t have much to do to prepare for the day. The phone call came early in the morning at 8 AM from a very hysterical Santa Claus.

“I really desperately need your help,” Santa almost screamed down the phone. “Black cats have suddenly appeared out of nowhere. I don’t have the time to be dealing with this right now. I am supposed to be getting my sleigh ready for my very hectic day and those mischief-making felines are stealing my presents. Come right away.”

“I’ll be there in ten minutes,” I replied.

“No make it five,” Santa demanded.

“I’ll try,” I said as I hopped out of bed. All three of my children were still at home. Shada Storm had not left for work yet. “Bye children, I have to go out for a few minutes,” I yelled as I ran down the stairs.

“Where are you going Mum,” Shada Storm yelled after me.

But I did not answer her as I entered the garage, grabbed my invisible scooter and raced away at top speed to the North Pole.

The job didn’t take too long to do. After I had shot the five annoying cats with my tranquiliser gun, I then looked up into the sky to glimpse Santa as he flew away into the distance. I hope he didn’t need the presents the cats took off with, I wondered. I picked them up and took them into the house where I had a lovely hot chocolate with Mrs Claus. As we drank she told me an interesting story.

This is the story she told me: Apparently Santa decided a few years ago that I would enjoy a bit of mystery and suspense in my life, like some of the movies and TV shows that I watch. So the last few years the entire strange goings-on that had been happening including the magic shop were all Santa’s idea of a Christmas present for me. Mrs Claus also told me that Santa’s gift to me just got a little bit too much for him this year as he had not planned for the annoying cats to take over the North Pole and interfere with his work, which was why he decided it was now time for my present to come to an end. Things were now going to go back to normal but he had one last gift for me this year and that was with me being allowed to share my secret life with my family and friends and that is what I am doing right now. Don’t worry about any of the cats from the North Pole as they were all placed into Cats Paradise.

The End

Story by my Mother



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