I Still Don't Know How ?

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic
Hypothetically portraying the struggle of an introvert boy regarding love. My very first story.

Submitted: January 23, 2019

A A A | A A A

Submitted: January 23, 2019



I Still Don’t Know How?
Ishraq Hassan (2019)

Life is complicated. You never know where it takes you. Sometimes, it may take one to the higher level of Success; then again, it may also take someone to the greatest peak of misery. This is just a general notion of life which everyone is pretty much aware of. Besides; the idea of life has somehow always remained similar, especially when it comes to the matter of desire. Some wish to be rich, some wish to be popular, some wish to be beautiful, and it goes on and on. However, my life was perplexing in a different way, the way I never really thought I would ever get involved in. It was more like I was infected by a virus called “LAFS”. “Figured it out already? Yes! You guessed it right!” .It stands for “Love at First Sight” which literally made me a Wacko for an adequate amount of time and took my introvert life into a twisted path. I was actually doing well, as being a university student my CGPA was good enough, I was moderately admired by my lecturers ,did one or two tuitions for pocket money, and lastly video games and animes was my special delight. I was honestly pleased with my life schedule with no intention of changing it .But who knew, that it would only take one damn smile from her to make me go “Cuckoo” and create a colossal change in my mind. Therefore, enough with the ridiculous introduction and let us proceed to the story which made me write this disastrous tale.

University is sort of a whimsical place. Not sure about girls ,but the boys who starts this 4 years of journey as a freshman ,may tell you when you ask them ,that their main goal is to focus on their studies ,score good results and utilize their gained knowledge to create a bright future. Except what they don’t tell you is that, when they start as a freshmen they secretly have a dream, a hope, to find their true beloved. However, you may also find many exceptions, just like me. I never paid attention to this so called “Fascination”. In fact, I was stern to my own rules. To me this courtship is nothing but temporary and meaningless .Though I never let anyone know my thoughts and I kept it that way for the last 7 semesters. Maybe my way of thinking regarding this love entanglement issue has something to do with an unpleasant incident happened to me when I was in college, which we can ignore for now.

Anyway, as far as I remember it was 6th February, a regular Wednesday. Our batch was supposed to give a group presentation. So we all had to look good .When the class ended, I was already in fine frame of mind because my presentation went well. My friends and I were having chitchat, as we all wait for the elevator in the corridor on the 4th floor. In the meantime, I had a call from an unknown number. So I excused myself from the conversation and moved alongside to the stairs to receive the call. It was one of those annoying insurance guys with their special policies. They were so carried away elaborating about their best plans to invest, whereas ignoring me saying “I am not interested!” .As soon as I was about to hung up, unexpectedly something magical happened. Someone happens to catch my eye, someone so unfamiliar yet felt so close. It was a girl wearing a white salwar, walking up the stairs. I was stricken! The moment she was passing me by, was the time everything became slow motion. She had that heavenly smile which was mesmerizing. Her hair was dense black, like darkness at night. Not to mention her hypnotizing eyes. Her skin was like the wet sand from the Sahara desert, which reflects everything the sun hurls. At that moment, the insurance guy wasn’t annoying anymore, because somehow his chattering miraculously became the song of Tom Grennan’s, “Found What I've Been Looking For”. “She was stunning, simply stunning! Not a bit of fancy overdue makeup”. When she was gone, I was still standing frozen. My friend Sadman came and waked me up from this 50 watt shock I had, saying, “What happened? You missed the elevator! Everything okay?” and I replied, “Yes! I’m fine! Don’t bother, let’s take the stairs!” May God forgive me, because I lied to Sadman telling him I was “fine”, honestly my brain was tangled, shuffled, jammed by her splendor!

“This must have been a stroke of luck, right? I mean, after all I am a boy! So sometimes it is totally natural to get dips on ladies .Not a big deal at all!” that is what I told myself when I got home. I did not have any room for such tender feelings, so it was about time I went back to my daily schedule .Though I was not able to forget her instantly. I was distracted in whatever work I was doing, because I was partly day dreaming about her. When I went to tutor my student, I was in a bit of an awkward position, as I could not focus in whatever I was teaching him. I did not even revise the notes that I was about to teach him, because I was too carried away thinking about her. By some means, I thought the only way which can save me from today’s fancy reverie is a good night sleep.

The next day, I went to the university. I was hoping not to see her again, considering it for my own good. She was nothing but a diversion which was affecting my moral codes against having relationships. I felt like a total baloney going crazy over a stranger girl. That was so not me. When I arrived at the university, my eyes were circling the area whether she was anywhere around me. It was 8 in the morning, usually students don’t come that early, so I became pretty convinced she won’t too. Hence, I grew confidence and went inside. “Well! What do you know?”She was right there, alone, waiting for the elevator, scrolling her phone. “Out of all the people it had to be her!” I was shaking like I was in the deep cold of Alaska. I stood little far behind her, so she did not noticed me until the elevator came. When she went in, I rushed inside as well, nearly startled her. We both pressed the buttons for our certain floors. She looked at me once and then started paying attention to her phone. I had a feeling, she was thinking of me as a total weirdo, because I was so twitchy at that moment standing at the right corner of the elevator. Though it was hard to figure out what she was thinking, judging by her facial expression, since she had that trademark smile mode turned on. It was dead silent inside. The elevator stopped in the 3rd floor and there she took off. “Thank goodness! A couple seconds more and I would have exploded out of nervousness.”I was being a total man child, pathetic!” Although, it wasn’t that bad when I remember being with her for a moment, consequently which was not the plan, but I don’t regret it at all. Later that day, on the way home out of curiosity, I had an urge to collect some info about her. Taking help from my friends was not an option, not yet. They were my last resort. Not like, they won’t help me or something but it will undeniably create a drama. If I ever say to them, “I have night vision”, they will believe me without any hesitation. What they cannot process in to their brain is that, “Why an anti feminist like me wants to know about a girl?”Thus, I had to take assist from someone I know particularly among the seniors who was a professional at this sort of work, as well as keeping the matter a secret.

The things I did for someone I only saw two times. After felicitating that senior brother, by offering him a cup of tea, 3 samosas, 1 diet soda and some money for cigarettes, I finally got the Intel I needed within one and a half week. Her name was “Mantasha”.An average Student from the faculty of Arts (My Faculty), Single, lives little far away from where I live, and she belonged to the batch which was two semesters junior then mine. All this time passed and I never even noticed her before. The time I realized how fanatical I was to my practical life that I ignored my surroundings. That moment I thought, “It is okay! I am a senior now! I will just go introduce myself, try to be friends at first and later tell her how I feel! Simple, Right?”. “Wrong!” It was the most challenging part of my life. I was fretful towards my juniors. Most of them already knew how sour I was to them. And here fate brought me to the position where I had to deal with one of them, and that one of them was her, whose name was Mantasha, “The Silent Assassin”.

Since couple of days, it was to my concern that I was getting careless in my studies. I even became sloppy towards my tuitions. My every day schedule was at the stake of jeopardy. Nevertheless, I was captivated by her charm. Every day at home was the rehearsal of how I should introduce myself to her, through taking ideas by reading love articles, watching tutorial videos on internet like “How to approach a girl?”(Awkward!), watching romantic movies, and many more. I was floating in deep imaginations .It felt like I was having my very own “French Revolution” inside my mind, where “love” was acting as the peasants killing the “Negative concept about relationships” of mine with guillotine treating them as the rich aristocrats. Probably I understood everything which was happening to me. Still I consoled myself saying, “As soon as we are together, no more interruption in my works! Everything will be back to normal in no time!”

“However everything was not normal at all!”As hard as it was to believe, but Six months had already flown away, and I still could not make any progress. I tried to be acquainted with her in every way possible but no luck. That was because, whenever I went to introduce myself, I got paralyzed every time I saw her. Other than work, interaction with people was not my speciality.Moreover, I also had many unassertive thoughts like, “What if I am not her type? What if someone else impress her away before I do? I cannot afford to let that happen!”(My Goodness! Did I really just say that?).At that moment I realized that whatever I needed to do ,I needed to do it fast .So it was about high time to call my backup, it was about high time to let my friends “Sadman” and “Irfan” finally know about my mortifying “Crush situation”, by deeply accepting my failure while trying to do the task alone.

When I broke the news about my situation and showed her to them from distance, they were nonplussed .Their open mouthed reaction made me confused whether they were still on earth or not. I had to answer their lots of queries like “How? When? Are you serious? , and more”. Normally, as what I thought might happen also took place. I had to undergo through their teasing (Of course!), like how I could not stay focus to my ideals, how bells of love are ringing inside my heart, “behold our custom made Romeo!”, they mocked and so forth. I was painfully bashful at the moment that my face gone red. Anyhow, when the matter was clear to them, they were ready to “play cupid”. Apart from me my two friends also had anxiety on asking a girl out, the only difference was I was a misogynist and they were not. They were eager with hope that if a guy like me falls into a relationship, then they might also have luck too .It will boost their confidence level up. After deep thinking and planning we finally came to a solution. As I was nervous around her, there was a big possibility that I could mess up the whole thing if I confront her. So I had to cut to the chase. We came to the decision of giving her a written note which will be containing my deep fondness for her. “Yes people! I was going to give her a love letter.”But there was a twirl. In the letter, I was supposed to be a secret admirer telling her all the truth about why I had to pick this way of approach instead of confronting her in person. Out of curiousness, if by any possibility she thinks I deserve a chance then she can meet me at the student hall at the given date and time. All was perfectly written. But just in case, what if she comes to the student hall for other reason and not for me? That’s why I also sort that thing out just to be cautious. I insisted her to wear a red dress; yellow or blue was also fine if she did not have any red. How thoughtful I was!

The letter was ready to be delivered. Only now it was time to figure out how to give it to her. As being a senior we could just call someone from her batch and tell that
student to give the letter to her .But it would only draw attention nothing more. Besides, if she says “No” then it will be a matter of gossip around the corners which could color me for good. So we wanted to keep it as stealthy as possible. While planning, we three badly realized how important it was to have a girl in our crew. She would have been completed the task by now. That was the time when my misogyny filled mind got debunked. I realized I was wrong all this time. If we see a girl and a boy together that certainly doesn’t mean they are couples, it could also mean they are good friends. On the other hand, relationships aren’t bad only if they are committed to it .Just because of some bad examples I cannot judge all of them. Anyhow, after hours of brainstorming we finally came up with a plan. There was an office assistant at our university campus we knew very well, a lady. She was quite affable. We selected her to be our perfect post woman for the task. Thus, after all being settled we were all ready for the big day which was supposed to be my last solitary way of approaching her.
Today was the big day. Getting dressed for the class almost made me feel like a soldier putting on the combat armor for a battle .Damn, I was nervous as hell! After meeting up with my pals at the university, luckily I found out that our only 1 O’clock class today has been postponed, hence giving us enough prep time to carry out my work .So the first thing we did is to find that lady assistant we chose for the task yesterday. But only from there, my series of misfortune had begun. Five in total. The 1st bad luck, the lady assistant we were looking for was on leave due to sickness. She had Malaria (Just what I needed! Screw you Mosquitoes!).I was tensed. The girl did not come yet, that means I had to do something fast. I saw no other option but to give the letter to one of her classmates, the very thing which I wanted to avoid. That brings me to my 2nd bad luck. Irfan went to check out her batch and found only boys; no girls (Are you kidding me!). Soon after, Sadman jabs me and shows me to the left .It was Mantasha, She was looking pretty as ever. She went directly to her class room with her flock of ladies gang. By checking the routine her class was supposed to end within one hour .So we went down to have some snacks and wait. While having our snacks, I ran into my 3rd bad luck. Sadman was supposed to bring the most important ingredient of the love letter and that was a “Red Rose”, which he forgot. That brings me to panic mode. We three rushed in the search for the nearest flower shop. We did manage to find one but it was closed. As compensation I had to buy a chocolate bar from a cheap grocery store and put it inside the envelope. I understood something very clearly at that moment, “After giving this letter she might say many things, but saying yes was not one of them!”While returning back, I thought nothing can go worse now (Me and my big mouth!).Out of nowhere it started to rain. My 4th bad luck. Could it be an omen, warning me not to proceed for her or it’s just my luck messing with me. I put the letter inside my bag and tried to find a shade. Also I could not wait for so long as her class was supposed to end in 15 minutes. So we had to rush half the way back getting wet. I looked like a wet parrot, but I was glad to save my letter from getting wet.


Suspiciously the campus suddenly felt less on students. We went upstairs to check whether her class has ended or not and found the class room empty. Only two boys from her batch were standing in the corridor. We asked them if their class was over, and they replied, “The class has ended 20 minutes ago. Our lecturer finished the class early.”At that moment I realized it was obvious, she might have left. Out of desperation I finally asked them about Mantasha, “Have you seen her?”Both Sadman and Irfan were surprised that I asked the boys directly about her. The boys said they have. She was in the girls common room with her friends waiting for the rain to stop. The boys were so normal about answering .They did not even make it a big deal out of it. At that point, I and my buddies realized we were over skeptical about everything so far. I was sad; it felt like my all hopes went down. She may have been in the campus alright but was in the room where no boys were allowed to enter. We can all agree that this was my 5th bad luck. There was no one I could ask to give the letter at that time and even if I wanted to give it to her by myself I couldn’t, because I was too untidy and messy, but most importantly for the fear of rejection. My friends finally understood that maybe its luck giving us signal to stop. They started consoling me, “Let’s call the day off!”Maybe they were right! “I better go home.”This was where I put down the entire uphill struggle I had done for her from the last six months and I could not even let her know about it. “An introvert am I? It’s just a decent synonym of the word loser!” The way we all saw it, it was all done for. Or so as it seemed!

Somehow unexpectedly I snapped. I refused to leave because I had enough. It was about time I get out of these childish steps and be a man. If I have to face a rejection so be it. I was straight going ahead to the girls common room to give the letter by myself. Sadman and Irfan tried to stop me, they said, “Don’t do it! It’s madness!” But it was too late to be “prufrock”.I came too far to go back. The moment I pushed the door and stepped inside the girls common room, all the attention of the girls was on me. It felt like I was the first man to step foot in the Amazon island full of warrior women. Inside the common room I saw her with a curious face. I dramatically went close to her and said, “Listen you! I beg your pardon if I am being rude. But I think I need to tell you something!”At that moment, I literally explained everything I wrote in the letter, how I felt about her, and also adding today’s epic incidents. She was surprised and confused whether to be happy or angry, but the other girls inside were nudged alright! Before I left, I finally gave my letter into her hand and said, “I pretty much understand your answer might be no, but I will insist, you keep this letter to yourself as a compliment of your simplicity and charm!”She did not say anything at all but only stared at me. My friends were so happy for me, they said I actually did it, but later I understood it was a horrible move! When I went back home I felt embarrassed. I realized it’s all over for good .But at least I was happy that I finally came out of my cocoon. I deeply take in, that it’s about time I move on and go back to my old routine based life.

The next day, everything was as usual again. I had a feeling that everyone at the university will have gossips about me. I shouldn’t have done it; I should have just gone home. It was the first time ever that I did not want to go to my class. But the damage has already been done. So no matter when I go, I had to face the gossips in one way or another. When I reached the campus, I saw my pals were waiting for me at the gate. They were happy about what I did yesterday but also worried as well. I knew one thing that I was fortunate to have my friends who were with me no matter what the situation was. Meanwhile, just to be sure I asked about her if she came or not. But they said she did not have class today. I felt Gloomy for a second; I must have put her in a really awkward position. Suppressing all my sadness in my pocket we went inside for the class. When I stepped inside, the environment was kind of strange. Many students just came and greeted me .Not like it happened before but the rate was auspiciously high. Even girls came by and asked me how I am! Some of them I never knew. I asked my friends, “What’s happening? Why everyone are so Concern about me all of the sudden?” Sadman replied, “It’s because what you did yesterday!” “The news has been spread already?” I reacted. Then Irfan replied, “Yes! To the boys it was the bravest thing you ever did, on the other hands the girls thought it was so enchanting!” .That was insane. I couldn’t believe it! I was observing no one is doing anything what I feared. Instead of mockery I was admired. Weird!

After the class, we three went to the cafeteria and grabbed a table. We were talking and laughing about our life. I felt so eased .In the middle of our conversation surprisingly both of my friends stopped talking and stared behind me. I said, “What’s Wrong?”Irfan replied, “Ahh! We better give you guys time!” and both started to leave the table. I again asked, “What? Where are you going?”Then Sadman said, “Look behind Dummy!”When I looked behind, I doubt I had soul inside me .It was her, wearing a red color salwar. I was perplexed and just kept staring at her with my mouth open. She smiled and said to me, “Hi!”
Me, “I oh ahh ba!”
Mantasha, “What?”
Me, “I mean! Hi! Hello! How are you? Hi!

She started laughing and said she was fine. Then she told me, “You really did a big confession yesterday! Six months huh? That was really something!” (She laughed).
Me (Being nervous), “I thought you did not have class today!”
Mantasha, “I didn’t but in the letter you told me to come on Wednesday, didn’t you?”

I was so confused, what was happening? I was worried, “Did she come all the way to say no? If it’s so then what’s with the red dress?”Before I almost had a brain stroke she started to clear things out. She said, “You know? It is only fair now to confess what I have to say! Actually, I think you are cute too! (She Blushed).During my first year, I read an article about “Life Style” on the university magazine that you wrote. I liked it so much. Even in our classes the lecturers always admired you. They said you were always determined at your work. I heard so much that I wanted to meet you in person. However, when I saw you, I found your straight forwardness so attractive, that I just had a crush on you (She felt shied).But I was always afraid to share that. It was quite surprising when I found out the person I like was also fond of me (She blushed again).”

My Brain stopped responding after hearing that I was her crush. Out of the blue, what? I mean all this trouble for someone who already likes me. Now to think of it, I never thought it was even possible. But there I was facing the truth. I could not believe it but I was officially into the same track. She smiled and said, “Will I see you tomorrow?” and I replied happily, “Whenever you need me, yes!” .We exchanged numbers and there she left .I walked her outside to her car. She waved bye from her window. I was waving back and thinking, “Gosh! She owns a car!” (Ahem! Ahem!) , What I meant was, “My dream came true, we are finally together!” My buddies came to know about what happened and cheered after my accomplishment, though they did not believe me on the part where she had a crush on me.

It seems that to me, it’s not a disastrous tale after all. I Guess, Life is not a movie but it’s never less than one! Oh! How silly of me! Incidentally, I was so carried away telling you all about my story I forgot to introduce myself. My name is Adnan, Adnan Sameer. What? You thought someone else? Sorry, but it’s not an autobiographical Story. Strictly fiction! (Ba Dum Tss!) .Now I can see I have to change my life schedule because I am not single anymore. It really happened unexpectedly. When still out of curiousness, someone asks me for advice that how did I get into a relationship? I put my hand to that person’s shoulder with a little smirk and say only one thing, “I Still Don’t know how?”

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