Bloodless Episode 2

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Oliver ventures off to take revenge on Charlie, but ends up learning the ropes of how to be a successful vampire. Roy teams up with Naomi to find Oliver and they bond over their mutual problems with him. Kelly Facebook stalks Oliver while enduring teasing from her annoying roommate and her roommate's boyfriend.

Submitted: January 31, 2019

A A A | A A A

Submitted: January 31, 2019









“Today’s gray skies, tomorrow’s tears, you’ll have to wait until yesterday’s here”

  • Tom Waits


(We open on a shot of Oliver’s car, parked in a University lot at night. Oliver speeds past it. A few seconds later, however, he runs back to it with keys in hand)


OLIVER: I’d still rather drive.


(Oliver gets in his car, starts her up and drives off. Cut to Oliver driving down the road, seething with anger as he listens to National Public Radio)


NPR: Live from NPR News in Washington, I’m Jack Spear. President Trump and Speaker Pelosi are in an ongoing battle over the President’s annual State of the Union address. Speaker Pelosi suggested Trump either postpone the address until after the Government shutdown or deliver it in writing. President Trump shot back by revoking Pelosi’s permission to travel to Afghanistan to meet with American troops.


OLIVER: THAT’S the sort of pettiness I need to confront Charlie with! Because nothing’s PETTIER than- (Oliver holds up his stake) KILLING SOMEONE! (Cut to Oliver pulling into a Chinese restaurant parking lot. He parks, gets out and walks towards some stoner on his cell phone) Hey! Give me that!

STONER: Give you what?


OLIVER: The cell phone!


STONER: Dude, fuck off-


(Oliver’s face goes vamp)


OLIVER: You sure about that, Spicoli? (The stoner screams and throws the phone at Oliver, who catches it with expert precision as the stoner runs away. Oliver’s race returns to normal human form as he scrolls through the stoner’s phone) This guy must have Charlie’s number- yep, he does. Oh shit, his name is actually Spicoli, too.


(Oliver texts Charlie “hey charlie, needs the hook-up brah, care to meet in the Walmart parking lot around 7:30? I’ll pay 25 for a gram”. Oliver waits a few seconds, before Charlie texts back “bro I don’t mean to trip but call me prodigy and im not gonna ask u again”. Oliver rolls his eyes and texts back “sorry bro. ru down tho?” and Charlie responds “u know it. ???? meet you there”. Oliver pumps his fist and jumps in his car. Cut to Oliver’s car pulling into the Walmart parking lot. Oliver sinks low into his chair, and notices Charlie getting out of his car, wearing a brown hoodie and tie-dye sweats and bandana. Charlie looks around but sees no one. Charlie pulls out his phone and texts Oliver. Oliver checks the phone and the text reads “where u at? Im stoned as fuck so don’t sneak up on me”. Oliver smiles and texts back “im behind you dude!” Charlie receives this text and turns around. Oliver rushes out of the car with his stake and tackles Charlie from behind, turns Charlie around and prepares to stick him, but Charlie reaches up and holds his hand)


CHARLIE: Dude! What are you doing?! You’re not Jeff Spicoli!



CHARLIE: Duuude, why do you have to do this right now, I’m high!


OLIVER: Yeah, I don’t GIVE a shit! You ruined my LIFE!


CHARLIE: Stop yelling! Oh my God, why does everyone have to yell?


OLIVER: Fine! No more yelling, just let go of my hand!


CHARLIE: Bro! (Oliver’s stake gets closer to Charlie’s chest as Oliver begins to overcome his strength) This is so uncool that you’re doing this while I’m high.


OLIVER: When are you NOT high!?


CHARLIE: Bro, just listen! Killing me is not gonna solve your problem! You wanna know how to be a vampire? I can teach you!


OLIVER: Last time I took advice from you I ended up owning a share in Herbalife!


CHARLIE: I wasn’t a vampire then, genius! Aren’t you the least bit curious in finding out more about what you are?!


(Oliver grinds his teeth together, considering this. Oliver gulps and gets off of Charlie. Charlie jumps up as Oliver points the stake at him)


OLIVER: One wrong move, Charlie-


CHARLIE: Prodigy. (Oliver lifts his stake) Fine, whatever! God.


OLIVER: I reserve the right to change my mind.


CHARLIE: We all have a choice in life, man, I respect that. Let me take you back to my crib.


OLIVER: Is it not called a “crypt”?


CHARLIE: Yeah, if you’re a homo. Let’s go.


(Charlie opens his truck door)


OLIVER: Homophobic! (Charlie jumps in his truck and Oliver gets in the passenger’s seat. Cut to Charlie walking into his messy apartment, covered with stoner memorabilia, including a big poster of Marilyn Monroe smoking a bong. Oliver steps inside the apartment) Wait, don’t I have to be invited?


CHARLIE: Only if it’s a human’s place. (Charlie crashes on his couch) So you can come over whenever you want, we can do mescaline and play Smash.


OLIVER: No. (Oliver sits on a La-Z Boy facing Charlie’s TV) Can you get to the lesson, already?


CHARLIE: Well. First rule of being a vamp, gotta have a constant supply of the red stuff. (Charlie opens a mini-fridge by the couch and pulls out a thermos of blood and starts sipping on it) Oh, that’s good shit. You want some?


OLIVER: What is it, pig blood?


CHARLIE: Nah, it’s uh- (Charlie sips a little more) I think it’s WASP.


OLIVER: …Wasp, like Wasp’s blood-




(Oliver nods, realizing what it is)

OLIVER: Got it.


CHARLIE: Want some?



(Charlie scoffs)


CHARLIE: You’re wild, bro. Come here. (Charlie gets up. Cut to Charlie and Oliver in Charlie’s bathroom, standing in front of the mirror, which they obviously don’t appear in) Avoid mirrors when you’re around humans. But if it can’t be helped, always carry one of these around.


(Charlie takes a poster out of his back pocket and tapes it on the mirror. It’s a Grateful Dead poster)


OLIVER: That’s not, normal, though, people don’t just hang posters in other people’s houses.


CHARLIE: Just gaslight them into thinking it’s always been there.


OLIVER: Have you ever listened to the Grateful Dead, by the way?


CHARLIE: Follow me. (Oliver sighs and follows Charlie out of the bathroom. Cut to Charlie and Oliver walking through Millennium Park. Oliver is lighting a joint, tokes it and exhales) Another good way to avoid detection-


OLIVER: Is it by using illegal drugs in one of the most heavily policed parks in the city?


CHARLIE: Emanuel can kiss my ass, he’ll be gone soon anyway.


OLIVER: What are we doing here?


CHARLIE: Millennium Park’s a great place to hunt.


OLIVER: What?! No, we’re not hunting!


CHARLIE: Dude. You’re a vampire.


(Oliver stops in his tracks and turns to Charlie)


OLIVER: Bro. I’m not a murderer. I don’t need human blood to survive, I can suck animal blood. (Pause) So much for my plans to become vegan this year.


CHARLIE: Oliver, my friend. (Charlie puts his hand on Oliver’s shoulder) It’s super important to accept who you are. I used to feel self-hatred too, you know.


OLIVER: Really? Because I’ve always sort of known you as a shameless prick.


CHARLIE: Yeah, but in my heart? (Charlie points to his heart) There was a blue bird inside that wanted to get out. So I let him out, and he began poking people’s eyes out and drinking their blood.


OLIVER: So beneath your “shameless prick” exterior, there’s just more evil?


CHARLIE: Bro. (Charlie hugs Oliver) I’m proud of you for getting it.


(Oliver pushes Charlie off of him)


OLIVER: No! I’m not gonna hunt, alright?! Get it through your head!


CHARLIE: You’ll come around. (Beat) In the meantime, you want to know how to make money as a vamp?


(Cut to Roy walking along Davis street, where bars line the street and drunk college students socialize in outdoor seating areas. Roy is scanning the bars for signs of Oliver or Charlie. He stops at a bar called Five & Dime)


ROY: Yeah. He probably got distracted and came here.


(Roy walks in to the moderately crowded bar. He works his way through the crowd and gets to a seat at the bar. He hails a bartender, the same one from the pilot)


BARTENDER: What can I get for ya?


ROY: Actually, I’m looking for Oliver Shine, do you know him?


BARTENDER: Oliver? Yeah, we love him around here. I haven’t seen him since Saturday night though. Longest streak without seeing him in a while. (Beat) Now that I think about it, that’s concerning.


ROY: No shit. Have you seen Charlie?


BARTENDER: Not in a few days, no.


(Roy sighs)


ROY: Alright, thanks.


(Bartender nods and assists another customer, who happens to be Naomi)


NAOMI: Could I get a PBR?




(The bartender hands her a PBR in a can. Roy looks over and notices Naomi. Naomi notices him back and smirks before turning away)


ROY: Hold up!


(Roy walks over to Naomi and she turns around)


NAOMI: What do you want?


ROY: Just hear me out-


NAOMI: I’m not getting back together with him, forget it.


ROY: No, I’m not trying to do that.


(Tina walks over with a smile on her face)


TINA: And who is this? Has anyone ever told you that you look like if Chance the Rapper and Barack Obama had a baby?


ROY: I’ve been told I look like every black person you can think of, but thanks.


NAOMI: Tina, don’t get excited, this is Oliver’s best friend Roy.


TINA: Oh. Never mind, then.


(Tina walks away)


NAOMI: (To Tina) I’ll be there in a second. (To Roy) What do you want?


ROY: Oliver’s missing. I need help to find him.


NAOMI: Oh. (Naomi sits down) What happened?


ROY: Have you seen him?


NAOMI: Not since this morning, no. How could he have gone missing since this morning?


ROY: I mean. I saw him leave.


NAOMI: So, he hasn’t gone missing, you just, can’t contact him? Jesus, Roy, I was his girlfriend and I was never THAT needy.


ROY: Naomi, he’s not in a good place right now and I’m concerned for his safety.


NAOMI: He’ll be fine. (Naomi sips her beer) He always does stupid shit like this, going missing without explanation just to “figure things out”. Doesn’t seem to work if you keep having to fucking do it.


(Roy sits down next to Naomi)


ROY: Yeah, I feel ya. (Beat) Remember last summer when he backpacked through Wisconsin?


(Naomi chuckles and rolls her eyes)


NAOMI: Yeah, he called me and said he was staying at a “hostel” in Milwaukee.


(Roy laughs)


ROY: I think it was some WASP family’s attic.


NAOMI: Yeah, Sheffield’s parents. He talks about it like he went to the wailing wall, he went to a water park.


ROY: Well, he’s gotta wow everyone with a story.


NAOMI: Yeah, always gotta be the center-of-attention.


(Roy turns to Naomi)


ROY: Right, though!? Then he gets upset when people don’t like him!


NAOMI: Yeah, some people aren’t gonna like you!


ROY: People like you, for example!


NAOMI: Exactly! (Beat, as she catches herself) It’s not that I don’t like him. It’s just that sometimes things like this stack up. (Naomi sips her beer) For a guy who does so many self-discovery trips, he does a shitty job of telling people exactly how he feels and what he wants.


ROY: He plays too much. That’s how he hides from all that.




(Roy hails the bartender)


BARTENDER: What can I do for you?


ROY: I’ll have a PBR.


BARTENDER: You should’ve said “I’ll have what she’s having” because you two seem to have the same problem. But, worry not. (Bartender rolls up his sleeves and loosens his tie) Gary is here to help.


(Roy stares blankly)


ROY: Are you gonna get it or no?


(Gary nods and grabs a PBR as Roy hands him cash)


GARY: There you go.


(Roy takes a sip of the beer as Gary walks away)


NAOMI: You know, he’s right, in a sense. We both have the same problem. Oliver.


ROY: Oliver’s not your problem anymore, though.


NAOMI: I still have to see him at school. And in here.


(Roy turns to Naomi)


ROY: True. (Beat) I think you can help me. I believe Oliver is with his drug dealer Charlie. You know where they usually meet up?


NAOMI: …There are a few spots. Or should I say, crime scenes.


ROY: In more ways than one, actually.


NAOMI: What?


ROY: Nothing.


(Cut to Charlie and Oliver walking into a fast food restaurant called “Second Window” in the font of the movie Rear Window, with Jimmy Stewart as their mascot. They go and sit down in a booth)


OLIVER: Is this that cinephile-themed fast food place I’ve heard about?


CHARLIE: You know it, dude. Bunch of obnoxious Northwestern film students founded it a few years ago. (Charlie leans in) I work the night shift here.


OLIVER: I guess you have to work nights as a vamp, huh?


CHARLIE: You can work days if you want. But, you gotta create some backstory about how you’re an electrosensitive who carries a blanket with him everywhere you go. And that’s just not fun.


OLIVER: This is really great for my job opportunities, thanks.


CHARLIE: Aren’t you an art major?


OLIVER: Uh, yeah-


CHARLIE: Then you don’t need to worry about job opportunities anyway, dude! (Charlie puts his hand on Oliver’s shoulder) You’re welcome. I freed you to realize that.


OLIVER: Please don’t touch me.


(Charlie retracts his hand as a Second Window employee named Robert walks over)


ROBERT: What’s up, Prodigy?


(Robert bumps fists with Charlie)


CHARLIE: How you been, dude?


ROBERT: My dad kicked me out, so now I live out back, what about you?


CHARLIE: I’ve been good, too.


ROBERT: I’ve never seen you eat this food, what’re you doing here? Do you want today’s special, Breasts of the Southern Wild?


OLIVER: What the hell is that-


ROBERT: It’s chicken breasts, don’t be a perv, dude.


CHARLIE: Yeah, chill out, bro, Robert’s not an object to be ogled.


OLIVER: I’m not ogling him- change the name if you don’t want people to make comments!

CHARLIE: Victim-blaming much?


ROBERT: Who IS this guy?


CHARLIE: I was seeing if he wanted to get a job here-


OLIVER: I don’t.


CHARLIE: But maybe he’s not a good fit.


OLIVER: I’m not.


ROBERT: Clearly not.


CHARLIE: Before we go, though, can you get me a Blue Velvet cake?


ROBERT: Sure. On the house.


(Robert walks away)


OLIVER: Wait, we can eat?


CHARLIE: Yeah, it doesn’t nourish us, but we all get munchies from time to time. Best thing is, you can’t gain weight.


OLIVER: Really?


CHARLIE: Yeah. Unless you suck the blood of an Italian.


OLIVER: …I’ll take note of that. (Oliver turns around and looks at the menu) I guess I’ll order…”If Veal Meat Could Talk”? (Oliver turns back to Charlie) What kind of fast food place sells veal?!


CHARLIE: They usually have temporary dishes for the Oscar movies. It’s better than last year, the “Shape of Water” dish was just a fish penis.


(Oliver cringes. Cut to Oliver and Charlie walking down the street of a desolate part of Chicago. Charlie is toking on a joint again)


OLIVER: Bro, this is Fuller Park, it’s crawling with police, do you have to smoke that?


CHARLIE: Jesus, sorry, Kamala Harris, what are you gonna do, throw me in jail?


OLIVER: Kamala Harris- how are you a Bernie supporter when you literally murder people?!


CHARLIE: Just because I kill people doesn’t mean I want people to go to jail for weed. Fewer people to feed on that way.


OLIVER: How noble.


CHARLIE: Also, how dare you assume I’m a Bernie supporter? I support Gabbard, all the way.


OLIVER: Can vampires vote?


CHARLIE: Hey, nobody knows we’re dead. Just think of it as voter fraud.


(Charlie and Oliver arrive at a set of stairs, going below the street, leading to a door labeled “BOILER MAINTENANCE” with a heavyset man in a suit stands guard)


OLIVER: Because it is!

CHARLIE: Follow me.


(Oliver and Charlie head down the steps and greet the suited man)


BOUNCER: Here to fix the boiler?


CHARLIE: Yeaaah, you know it, dude.


(Charlie’s face goes vamp. Charlie nudges Oliver)


OLIVER: Right.


(Oliver’s face goes vamp. The Bouncer nods and opens the door, revealing a sizeable vampire bar filled with creatures of the night. Darkly decorated, dimly lit, and full of vampire bartenders mixing blood and alcohol into different drinks. Oliver and Charlie walk in. Bauhaus is playing loudly as different vamps dance and party with one another. The door closes behind them. Charlie sees a group of stoner vamps at the bar and gives them the peace sign)


CHARLIE: Ayyyy!! (Charlie rushes over to them and hugs each. Oliver sighs and catches up. After Charlie’s done greeting them, he turns to Oliver) This is Oliver, everybody, he just got turned over the weekend.




CHARLIE: Oliver, this is- (Charlie points to a big, fat white vampire wearing a worn-out Bob Marley shirt) Donny, and- (Charlie points to a skinny, blue-haired, pixie cut vampire with a Legend of Zelda shirt on) Rose and this is- (Charlie points to a curly-haired teenage, Latino vampire with a thin puberty mustache and a Nike t-shirt on) Miguel, I met him at a Summer Camp when I was a counselor.


MIGUEL: I didn’t want my mom to pick me up. So. I chose to die instead.


OLIVER: Good to meet you guys. I’m starving. (Oliver sits at the bar and hails a bartender. A vampire bartender walks over) Can I get a blood & bourbon?


(Bartender nods and starts making it)


DONNY: So, you like blunts?


(Donny starts chuckling, along with Miguel, Rose, Charlie and Miguel. Oliver is perturbed)


OLIVER: Uh, sometimes. Sure.


ROSE: He’s shy, how cute.


OLIVER: I’m not shy.


ROSE: Then let’s talk, little boy.


OLIVER: Little boy-?


CHARLIE: She’s 300.


OLIVER: Jesus.


ROSE: You like video games?


OLIVER: Yeah, I mean a little-


ROSE: I LOVE video games. You ever play Fortnite?


(Oliver sighs)


OLIVER: Oh no.


MIGUEL: Don’t knock Fortnite, normie. Not until you’ve made thirty dollars a year making “Let’s Play” videos.


(Bartender hands Oliver his drink and Oliver hands the bartender cash)


OLIVER: Thanks. (Oliver takes a sip) It’s good.


DONNY: Of course, it is, that’s Vanderbilt blood.


(Oliver sets the drink down and pushes it away)


OLIVER: Right. I should’ve known it would be human blood.


CHARLIE: Bro, the dude’s already dead. (To Donny) Also, just because it’s Vanderbilt blood, doesn’t mean it tastes any better, bro, we’re all equal under our skin, you feel me?


DONNY: Whoa. Bro, you’re right.


OLIVER: I need to get out of here.


(Cut to Kelly sitting in the Northwestern Library, reading a giant textbook. She begins to nod off but catches herself and wakes up. She removes her glasses and rubs her eyes. She glances at the time on her phone- it reads “9:45 PM Tuesday, January 22”. She sighs and closes her book. The book is labeled “The Monotonies of the Human Mind- 19th Edition, by Henry T. Weisgarber”. Kelly begins packing up her stuff. Cut to Kelly outside of Northwestern’s library, on her phone)


KELLY: What do you mean, I thought you said you could pick me up?


GIRL: (On the phone) Yeah, but stuff came up.


KELLY: What stuff?


GIRL: No, you didn’t hear me right, butt stuff came up. Quentin came over.


KELLY: Oh my God, Rachel, next time just tell me you’re drunk or something.


RACHEL: Oh, I am that, too.


KELLY: It’s like a fifteen-minute walk to our dorm, what am I supposed to do?


RACHEL: Get steppin’, hoe. (Rachel laughs) I’m just playing, girl, I gotta go and masturbate my boyfriend in the shower.


(Rachel hangs up and Kelly’s arm falls to her side. Kelly reluctantly starts walking towards her dorm. Cut to Kelly walking into Lincoln Hall. Cut to Kelly walking into the elevator and pressing “up”. Cut to Kelly unlocking her dorm room, 15B. She walks into see Rachel and Quentin making out on Rachel’s bed. Rachel turns to Kelly)


KELLY: Hi, Quentin.


RACHEL: Sorry about that, Kells.


QUENTIN: Why don’t you get a car, Kelly?


KELLY: Because, my family can’t afford one.


(Kelly sits down at her desk and opens her laptop)


QUENTIN: Aren’t you here on loans?


(Kelly sighs)




QUENTIN: So, just get one of those, but for a car.


KELLY: Quentin, are YOU here on loans?


QUENTIN: Nah, we pay up front. My dad invented predator drones, so.


(Kelly smirks)


KELLY: Great, good for you.


(Quentin and Rachel continue making out, while Kelly looks on in disdain. She turns to her laptop and absent-mindedly brings up Facebook. She hesitantly types in “Oliver Shine” into the search bar and finds him. He’s already accepted her friend request. Oliver’s profile picture shows him putting a lollipop to the mouth of a statue of a man sitting on a bench while giving the statue a lap dance. Kelly smirks in reaction. She then clicks on “Photos” and begins going through his past photos. She clicks on one featuring Oliver and Roy holding shots, posted January 1, 2019. Then another one from that day, where Oliver is kissing Naomi in a bar, where New Year’s celebrations are clearly taking place. She recoils slightly at this. She finds a picture of Oliver, posted by Oliver’s mom Kelly Shine, which tags Oliver Shine, Stephanie Shine and Jeffrey Shine. It shows Oliver standing in front of the Christmas tree with his teenage sister Stephanie, his mom and his dad, Jeffrey. Oliver has sunglasses on and the caption reads “Merry Christmas from The Shines! Oliver refused to take the sunglasses off, don’t ask me why”. Kelly’s eyes drift to the comment Oliver makes in response- “Because being family with lame and I want to look cool!” Kelly chuckles and rolls her eyes. Then she finds another photo featuring Oliver sitting on the side of an old stone bridge, his legs dangling off. Then a follow-up photo, with Naomi Dodd tagged, where Oliver is turned to the camera, wearing an exaggerated frown and pouring a little bit of water from a water bottle onto his cheeks to simulate tears. Naomi’s caption is “my boy is very saaaaad ?” and a cry-laughing emoji too. Dated November 28, 2018. Then another photo of Oliver and Naomi watching midterm results while drinking champagne. Then another photo of Oliver at a Halloween Party with Naomi, both of them dressed as John Lennon. The caption reads “We couldn’t agree on who had to be Yoko. So…” Kelly shakes her head at this. She goes back to Oliver’s birthday party, October 2nd, 2018. There’s a picture of Oliver pouring rum on his birthday cake while Sheffield and Roy sit on either side of him. The caption reads “Making rum cake… #23andMe #Birthday2018 #thenewjuliachildbutbetter”. She goes back further and finds a post from August 31, 2018- a picture of his late brother Barrett Shine. The caption reads “11 years ago today… miss you bro <3”. Kelly frowns. Suddenly, Rachel and Quentin appear behind Kelly)


RACHEL: Oh my God.


(Kelly jumps and turns around)


KELLY: Jesus!


RACHEL: You’re still stalking that Oliver dude?


KELLY: No- (Kelly minimizes the window, revealing a picture of Oliver as her desktop background) I’m not, I mean- shit.


(Rachel & Quentin laugh)


QUENTIN: You thirsty.


RACHEL: Come on. Let’s get your mind off this fuckboy, we’re hitting up Second Window, you want in?


KELLY: No, I’m good. Thanks.


QUENTIN: Guess we’ll give you some privacy then.


(Rachel punches Quentin in the arm as Quentin laughs and Kelly rolls her eyes and turns to her computer. Rachel and Quentin walk out the door. Kelly stares at a picture of Oliver shirtless at the beach, around July 2018. She shrugs and puts her hand down her pants. Cut to Roy and Naomi getting out of Roy’s car to find themselves in the Walmart parking lot Oliver and Charlie were at earlier)


ROY: I doubt they would’ve stayed here long.


NAOMI: You’re probably right, but I’m looking for signs that they’ve been here at all. (Naomi walks over to tire marks on the concrete) Looks like Charlie did donuts. (Roy walks over to Naomi and rubs his finger along the tire tracks and tastes his finger) What the hell?


ROY: Yeah, those are definitely Charlie’s tires.


NAOMI: I forgot how much of a weirdo you are.


(Roy puts his finger in the air)


ROY: The wind is saying we need to go… (Roy points west) that way!


NAOMI: Why do you think the wind has anything to do with Charlie’s whereabouts?


ROY: Charlie always used to claim he and the wind were one.


NAOMI: Oh right, I had forgotten that.


(Cut to Roy and Naomi walking into a back-alley, where they find a black drug dealer leaning against the wall in a hoodie and a homeless black woman sitting on the ground with a forty- the same homeless from BLEP1)


DRUG DEALER: Fuck you want?


(Naomi raises her hands)


NAOMI: Nothing! We’re just leaving!

ROY: She’s cool.


DRUG DEALER: Says who?


ROY: Me?


DRUG DEALER: Nigga, I don’t know you!

ROY: Dude! I’m just looking for someone, I’m not armed, I just have a question.


DRUG DEALER: A’ight, what is it?

ROY: You know Prodigy?


DRUG DEALER: Yeah, I know that dude. Why?


ROY: Have you seen him around tonight?


NAOMI: And was he with a limp-dick, self-important hipster?


ROY: Naomi, come on.


DRUG DEALER: I ain’t seen him, no.


ROY: Have you seen the limp-dick hipster, though? He’s skinny, brown hair, circular glasses and a shit-eating smirk?


HOMELESS WOMAN: I saw someone like that a few nights ago!


NAOMI: Really?


HOMELESS WOMAN: Yeah! He tried to attack me and I had to kick the motherfucker’s balls in!


NAOMI: What?!

ROY: (Nervous) Obviously, that’s not- that’s a different guy.


DRUG DEALER: Yeah, I heard a guy like that got shot by some of my homies and got the fuck up afterward.


ROY: Must’ve been a- a, a, dude on PCP.


DRUG DEALER: Maybe. Y’all want PCP by the way?


ROY: Uh-


NAOMI: We’re good, thanks.


(Cut to Roy and Naomi pulling up to Charlie’s apartment complex. They park and get out. Cut to them walking up to the side of a particular apartment complex unit. They sit on a bench)


ROY: So, this is where Charlie stays at, huh?


NAOMI: Yeah, this is where they should come out if they’re going to come out. Just gotta wait.


ROY: When does Charlie leave his apartment?


NAOMI: To deal drugs and buy more drugs?


ROY: So, it shouldn’t be too long.


NAOMI: Yeah.


(Roy sighs)


ROY: I worry about Oliver. He can’t keep doing this.


NAOMI: …You’re a good friend to him.


ROY: I try to be. Man, I was supposed to go to my faith group’s meeting today.


NAOMI: What were you guys going to do?


ROY: We were going to play Madden.


(Naomi chuckles and looks at Roy)


NAOMI: Do you have someone in your life?


(Roy looks at Naomi)


ROY: Nah, not right now. Black girls think I’m too white and white girls think I’m black.


NAOMI: But you are black?


ROY: Exactly.


(Naomi laughs)


NAOMI: Honestly… (Naomi rests her hand on Roy’s leg) I like black people…


(Roy looks at Naomi’s hand. He moves his leg away and Naomi’s hand falls)


ROY: First off, work on that line if you ever come on to another black person.


NAOMI: Shit. I’m-


ROY: Because when you say “honestly”, it makes it sound like you’re embarrassed to like black people.


NAOMI: Fair note.


ROY: Secondly, I don’t know what you’re doing, but I’m not gonna be a part of your plan to get back at Oliver. For, whatever he did.


NAOMI: I’m really sorry. I probably had too many drinks at the bar, and plus, that forty the homeless woman gave me.


ROY: She gave me her crack pipe too, but I didn’t use it! (He takes out the crack pipe, which is beautiful colored glass) I could use it for decoration though, low key, it’s nice.

NAOMI: You’re right. (Naomi stands up) I should go. I embarrassed myself. Just wait here, and I’m sure Charlie and Oliver will either come or go. (Beat) Please don’t tell Oliver about this.


ROY: Shit, you didn’t need to tell me that.


(Naomi nods and walks away. Roy sighs and looks up at the stars. Cut to Oliver storming out of the vampire bar. Charlie follows in hot pursuit)


CHARLIE: Where are you going?!


(Oliver walks up the stairs and turns to Charlie)


OLIVER: I’m going home. I hate your friends. And they have BO, which kind of sucks because now I know vampires aren’t immune to that!


CHARLIE: You just continue to smell like whatever you smelled like when you were turned. It’s why I always smell like weed.


OLIVER: Yeah, that’s why.


CHARLIE: Bro! You have to see the bigger picture. (Charlie grabs Oliver’s shoulders) And that’s this picture of me getting laid by- (Charlie holds up a picture of Charlie having sex with a goth chick in a hotel room) a hot college goth, obsessed with Vampire Diaries.


OLIVER: We appear in pictures?


CHARLIE: Yeah. See, you still have so much to learn.


OLIVER: You carry a printed-out picture of that at all times?


CHARLIE: Yeah. And I also have this in poster form, if you want to order it on my Patreon. (Oliver shakes his head as Charlie puts the photo away) Tell you what, Olly, let me take you back to my place and teach you a little lesson.


OLIVER: I think I’ve had enough lessons from you today.


CHARLIE: It’s a way to make money without working the drive-thru.


OLIVER: Alright, shotgun. (Charlie and Oliver walk away. Cut to Oliver and Charlie walking into Charlie’s very messy room, laden with bongs and stoner memorabilia and a big, battle station-style computer) Shit, I’m gonna smell like Axe deodorant for the rest of eternity, huh?


CHARLIE: Check it out. (Charlie boots up his computer and the displays show a ton of stock tickers going wild and prices fluctuating will-nilly) This is the way you do it.


OLIVER: You’re betting on the stock market?


CHARLIE: Yeah, bro, I take the money I make from drugs and invest it in the stock market.


OLIVER: Good thing the stock market is super stable right now.


CHARLIE: Dude, I’m shorting it. Ever seen The Big Short?




CHARLIE: Well, this is a bigger one. I have the whole world at my fingertips, dude. I could crash the yen- (Charlie wiggles his fingers) with a few keystrokes!


(Oliver rolls his eyes)


OLIVER: Who knew that a shithead stoner from Chicago had so much sway on the world economy?


CHARLIE: Yeah, you know the economic slowdown in the UK?




CHARLIE: That was me.


OLIVER: That was Brexit!

CHARLIE: Dude, what even is that?


OLIVER: This is a waste of my fucking time.


(Oliver leaves Charlie’s room)



(Charlie chases after Oliver and Oliver turns to Charlie in front of the sliding glass door that leads to the balcony, overlooking the dumpster)


OLIVER: What did you do with that goth chick?!




OLIVER: The goth chick! After you fucked her, what’d you do with her!?


(Charlie laughs)


CHARLIE: What do you think, man? I walked her home like a perfect gentleman! (Charlie pantomimes walking home with someone, arm locked in arm) Her daddy is an oil man and she’s an heiress, so I gotta treat her right kind!

(Charlie cracks up)


OLIVER: You killed her, huh?


CHARLIE: YEAH, I fuckin’ killed her! That’s what WE DO! (Beat, as Oliver grows angry) And that’s what YOU want to do too, whether you admit it or not! (Oliver pulls out his stake and plunges towards Charlie’s chest, but Charlie forcefully pushes Oliver out the sliding glass door, off the side of the balcony, and into the dumpster below. Charlie jumps out the window and lands, cat-like, near the dumpster, and pulls Oliver out of the dumpster and pushes him up against it) Do you ever think that you don’t REALLY want to kill me, but instead, you want to kill the part of yourself that is EXACTLY like me!? Embrace it, Shine, you’ll be happier, long-term!



CHARLIE: Then you’ll be in a constant SPIRAL of rejecting who you really are! But I know you’ll succumb to it sooner or later, it’s a matter of when, not if!



(Oliver pushes Charlie back)


CHARLIE: You barely touched your blood at the bar. You haven’t had blood since the afternoon, right?


(Oliver is heavy breathing)


OLIVER: …Yeah…


CHARLIE: There’s a free meal right over there, my dude- (Charlie points at what appears to be a homeless person, covered in a blanket, sleeping on a nearby bench) are you gonna go get it?


(Oliver glances at the sleeping homeless man)


OLIVER: …I don’t…


CHARLIE: You don’t have to kill him! Consider it a donation! A midnight snack!


(We punch in on Oliver’s thirsty, desperate face. He licks his lips)


OLIVER: I mean…if it won’t kill him, what’s the harm?


(Oliver delicately approaches the sleeping homeless man. Charlie smiles behind him and pumps his fist)


CHARLIE: My boy!


(Oliver slowly steps toward the sleeping homeless man, and once finally over him, his face goes vamp and he lifts the blanket to reveal the sleeping homeless man is actually Roy. Oliver steps back)


OLIVER: Oh shit.


(Roy wakes up and stares at Oliver)


ROY: The fuck!?


(Roy sits up)


OLIVER: Roy, what are you doing here?!


(Charlie approaches)


CHARLIE: Roy, you’re homeless, dude? That suuucks-


ROY: I’m not homeless, I was trying to find you, Oliver- why are you in vamp mode?


OLIVER: Oh. (Oliver’s face returns to normal) Sorry.


ROY: Were you about to suck on me?!


OLIVER: Roy, no, I just, I thought you were homeless, and I was gonna offer you a place to stay. For the night.


ROY: Dude, don’t invite random homeless people into our apartment.


OLIVER: Fair point.


CHARLIE: Why do you have a blanket?


ROY: This racist-ass white dude gave it to me, thought I was homeless. But honestly, he came in clutch, so, no hard feelings.


CHARLIE: You guys want to go up to my place, smoke weed and play Smash?


OLIVER: NO! Roy, can you take me home?


ROY: Yeah. (Cut to Roy driving Oliver home. Oliver is forlornly looking out the window as rap music plays over the radio) …So I guess you didn’t kill him?


OLIVER: Despite my best efforts…


ROY: …Are you gonna try again?


OLIVER: …I don’t know…it’s not gonna solve anything. It’s not gonna turn me back.


ROY: That’s what I was telling you, dude. Plus, if you killed him, a lot of people in Evanston would be pissed.


(Oliver chuckles)


OLIVER: Maybe I could deal drugs. It’d be a good profession for the dead of night.


ROY: That’s one way to use your degree.


OLIVER: It just pisses me off that this is my life now. There’s no going back. (Oliver sighs) If I had just spoken to Kelly instead of buying weed from Prodigy, my life would be so much easier. And, you know, it would be a life. And not a demonic undead life.


ROY: …I know this is an extreme example, Oliver, but sometimes things in life change, and there’s nothing you can do. You have to get used to it and make the best of it.


OLIVER: I guess so. (Beat) Can I go beat up and drain that hitchhiker?




(Oliver shakes his head and crosses his arms)


OLIVER: You never let me do anything…


(“Yesterday is Here” by Tom Waits comes in. We cut to Naomi walking into her dark apartment. She checks her roommate’s door, and the light is off. She sighs and walks into her own room and crashes onto her bed. Cut to Kelly closing her laptop on a picture of Oliver. She gets up, takes off her pants and puts on pajama pants. Suddenly, Rachel and Quentin burst in with bags from Second Window, while laughing. They put their bags aside and start making out on Rachel’s bed. Kelly climbs into her bed, clearly annoyed, and covers her head with her pillow. Cut to Charlie torching a joint on his balcony, right in front of the destroyed glass of his window. He solemnly pulls out the picture of him having sex with the goth chick. He stares it at for a few seconds before placing it back in his pocket. He walks inside, opens a broom closet and finds the goth chick’s cold, dead corpse wrapped in plastic, leaning against the wall. Charlie grabs a broom and dust pan, closes the broom closet door and begins sweeping up the glass from the shattered window into the pan. Cut to Roy brushing his teeth while looking in the mirror, in his bathroom. He spits the toothpaste out and washes it down the drain. He gets a text from Naomi and checks it- it reads “sorry again about tonight”. He quickly puts the phone away, turns around, and finds Oliver standing there. Roy flips out and moves past him and into his room. Oliver closes the door behind him. As the song wraps up, we cut to Oliver outside of his apartment building at night. He jumps to the second floor of the building, then the roof. He sits on the roof and looks at the sky. The sun begins to dawn, and Oliver’s skin begins sizzling mildly. He rolls his eyes and jumps down from the roof and walks into his apartment. Fade to black as the song fades)



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