The Beginning of The End

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic

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Please give me comments or feedbacks, this is my first time writing something like this. I just want my story to be heard. I've never done anything like this before, so don't judge. Any suggestions on how to improve my writing would be great as well. Thank You !!

The Beginning of The End 


Part 1

Born into the world, one would believe that it would be amazing. After spending nine months in the womb, traveling as a fetus in my mother’s stomach, I came into the world with a bright perspective. Whilst growing up, I believed that I am one of the few that was surrounded by many great people. Besides the fact of my father consistently working, I was raised by my grandparents that love me the same way as I do towards them. The constant love and attention that I received from my grandparents, my mother, and my family. But as I such as others, have grown in a family where the father was very strict. In an Asian Household, this would be considered normal; a tradition passed down from many generations throughout history. The mistake of Asian father’s born from a foreign country and moving to the United States, is not acknowledging the difference in culture and religion. A child such as I have grown much differently than from my father’s childhood growth. Mentally and physically abused as a child, was not what I expected when I came into this world. As a child growing up, I had many great memories to live off and many experiences to have. But the memories and experiences while being beat for a crime that I didn’t commit or being yelled and scolded at for a mistake that I wasn’t aware of, was the worst part of growing up. Constantly getting mentally broken down by my father, eventually started to crumble me apart as a human being. The cracks in my heart and brain have changed me as a whole person. The act of being “fake, “as many people my age say, would be one of my biggest accomplishments.  My talent might as well be for hiding my feelings to others and keeping every emotion and pain to myself. In this society, men are portrayed as warriors that have no emotions and can’t have emotions or feelings or they’ll be judged. Their story needs to be told as much as mine. While I grew up, being mentally abused since the age eight to the present time was a normal action for me. And the fact that society doesn’t let men project their feelings and emotions was another negative factor for me. When I turned 13, I strongly believed that I wouldn’t live to see the age of 16. The mental abuse that I received tore me apart, and I didn’t want to deal with it anymore. The constant idea that no matter how hard I tried to hide my feelings and act as if everything were fine, was eating me alive inside. There were multiple times where I decided that I wouldn’t live anymore and tried to commit suicide. It was a hardship in my life, being told that I was useless every day and then being physically abused for my mistakes. The bottle of my emotions and feelings were being bottled up to the top and was about to crack apart. Little by little as I grew older to the age of 16, cracks of my emotion and feelings bottle would increase. The feelings and emotions that I kept bottled up inside myself would seep out of this bottle and it would turn into anger and hate towards everything. There were times where I wouldn’t be able to contain these emotions and feelings and ended up taking it out on others that were innocent. The only person that these emotions and feelings should’ve been taken out on was my father, the core of all my problems. Haven been broken down already, there were many factors that added to my stress and depression, such as relationship problems, school, and growing up. The hardship of seeing your friends in school and having such a strong smile out, was the hardest thing to do during school. No one ever noticed that I was hurting so much on the inside, so I never told anyone about my problems and depression. I thought it was best to not get others involved because I believed that they wouldn’t be able to help me. While in school, I tried to be the class clown because I wanted attention, and I’ll admit that I tried to social climb to have more friends and acquaintances to always keep my company. Since, every time I came home, it was just more lecturing, scolding, mental and physical abuse. I couldn’t take it anymore and started cutting to relieve mental pain. I wanted people to notice how hurt I was and try to assist me and help me get past my depression. In the end, no one was able to help because no one around me in my environment understood what I was going to at that time. As a middle schooler, that was depressed and didn’t believe that he’d see the age of 16 was the equivalent to having world peace, which is impossible. When I finally reached the age of 16, I believed that I was useless because of all the times where I received that comment from my father. And slowly I started to rebel against him since I didn’t want to hear what he had to say anymore. But somehow, he always came back to bash my mental health. There was a point where I became dubious about everything I did, and ended up not being motivated to learn, work, or do anything that’s important to the society. Of course, I tried to tell myself that things will get better as I grow older, and they did, which had backfired on me. When I was 16, I was ready to give up on life, until I met this girl. She became my world, my universe, and my only source of happiness. When I was with her, I’d be able to look myself in the mirror and tell myself that things aren’t as bad anymore and hoped that I can prosper in life. It was after a year and a half of being with her, where things started to downfall. She had doubts about her feelings for me and for her ex-boyfriend. I tried to tell her, that he wouldn’t be worth it. He wouldn’t be nothing, but more trouble for her since that’s all he caused her while they were together in the past. I didn’t want her to leave me because it was the one time where I had happiness since I was a child growing up with cousins and family that loved me and gave me attention. Eventually, she broke it off and I was torn apart. I realized that life was meaningless and gave up again. My bottle of emotions and feelings broke, and I decided to leave my house one night to commit suicide. To me, I believed that my life was worthless to others, so it wouldn't have mattered if I was gone. Before I had jumped to my conclusion, I took a breath and tried to walk it out in hopes that I can think of another factor or idea that can make me happy or give me some type of pleasure. I couldn’t find one and I wasn’t able to deal with the pain that I received. Since I had tried to social climb and make many friends, I had one of them come out so I can finally express my feelings. I wanted my story to be heard by someone, before I did some dumb decision that I wouldn’t be able to get back. I cried and cried while expressing my feelings because I couldn’t keep the tears inside any longer. I tried to hold back the tears as much as possible because I didn’t want to be judged in a society that doesn’t let men express their feelings and emotions. 

 To be continued....

Submitted: February 08, 2019

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Criss Sole

This is just terrible.
I am so,so sorry you are going through such hell.
I can relate a little bit. My parents were both born in Soviet Russia, so when I was growing up in Canada I was raised very differently then my Canadian friends. I would be criticized very often. Punished for small things all the time. I think the mentality was that the more criticism I got, the more I would want to improve. This had the opposite effect on me. So my heart goes out to you. I can understand.
Please stay strong and keep writing!

Fri, February 8th, 2019 5:25am

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