Bloodless Episode 4

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Roy turns twenty-two, so he brings Oliver to a birthday dinner with his parents. Things go awry however, when Oliver is forced to stay the night at Roy’s house and go to church the next morning, while hiding the fact that he’s a demonic creature of the night. Charlie notices police officers and a campus faith group milling around his apartment building and becomes increasingly paranoid. Oliver’s sister Stephanie becomes concerned when she can’t get a hold of Oliver for his advice about boy problems.

Submitted: February 12, 2019

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Submitted: February 12, 2019

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BLOODLESS

 

“RELIGION”

 

TV-MA LV

 

“Even now on the evening of battle, I'm clammy with doubt of love. I'm really scared of going. How I yearn to hold you once again. In the morning we march across the sea, to the sunken monastery to face our faceless enemy”

  • Richard Dawson

 

(We open on Roy standing behind the counter at a Walgreen’s, wearing a Walgreen’s uniform. An older man places a pack of beers on the counter. Roy scans them)

 

ROY: That’ll be $8.19.

 

OLDER MAN: Don’t you wanna check my ID?

 

(Roy gives out a fake chuckle)

 

ROY: No, I believe you’re over 21.

 

OLDER MAN: I don’t believe you are. How old are you, huh?

 

ROY: I’m actually twenty-two today.

 

OLDER MAN: Happy Birthday. Let me show you my ID.

 

ROY: Okay…

 

(The man shows a worn military ID from the Vietnam Era. The man’s name is displayed as “Aaron D. Fenway”)

 

AARON: Killed twenty men over there. Though you could mistake them for children!

 

(Aaron chuckles as he puts his ID away)

 

ROY: Uh-huh.

 

AARON: You ever killed a man?

 

ROY: No, of course not.

 

AARON: Too bad. Builds character.

 

ROY: Do you want a bag?

 

AARON: Yeah, three please. (Roy sighs and puts the beers in three separate bags and hands them to Aaron) God be with you, Roy.

 

(Aaron leaves with his bag. Roy sighs as a black woman in a Walgreen’s uniform comes over. Her nametag says “Jackie”)

 

JACKIE: Another crazy-ass old white dude?
 

ROY: Yeah. (Roy checks his phone) It’s about time for me to go, right?

 

JACKIE: Yeah. Go enjoy your birthday.

 

ROY: Thanks, Jackie.

 

(Roy runs off. Cut to Oliver hanging in the top right corner of his apartment’s living room)

 

OLIVER: Okay. One time, you can do this, pussy, let’s go!

 

(Oliver jumps out from the corner and flaps his arms, but falls down immediately as Roy comes in)

 

ROY: Whoa, what the fuck are you doing!?

 

(Oliver gets up)

 

OLIVER: I was trying to swim through the air like that woman from Hereditary!

 

ROY: She was possessed by demons, dude-

 

OLIVER: AND SO AM I! So why don’t I get that ability?! (Oliver sits on the couch) Such bullshit. I call reverse sexism!

 

(Roy closes the door)

 

ROY: Hey. So, you know the birthday bar crawl tonight?

 

OLIVER: Yeah, dude, you only turn twenty-two once! Let’s do it.

 

ROY: I have to have a birthday dinner with my parents first.

 

OLIVER: What? How long will it take?

 

ROY: An hour and a half, maybe? It’s only 6:15, and it only takes 45 minutes to get to the South Side of Chicago. So, I can be back by nine.

 

OLIVER: Bro, your mom will lecture you for an hour about how to wipe your ass properly, you know it’s never as brief as you claim. You won’t be back until eleven or something.

 

ROY: Dude, I promise I’ll be back, I won’t let her steamroll her way past 8:15.

 

OLIVER: Dude, yes you will. You have this antiquated idea of “respecting thy father and thy mother”, while my spoiled, rich, white ass tells my mom to “fuck off” in front of her friends.

 

ROY: Fine, you can keep me accountable! Come with me to the dinner!
 

OLIVER: …Really?

 

ROY: Yeah, they’d love to see you again.

 

OLIVER: Is it dark out yet?

 

ROY: It’s overcast.

 

(Oliver nods)

 

OLIVER: Alright, sounds good. Let me just grab my vape.

 

(Oliver walks over to the kitchen and grabs a vape tank filled with blood instead of vape juice)

 

ROY: Are you serious?

 

OLIVER: It’s a good way to drink blood on the sly.

 

ROY: Yeah, but would you rather be known as a vampire of a guy who vapes?

 

(Oliver looks up, giving this serious thought)

 

OLIVER: …It’s a fair point…

 

(Cut to Charlie leaning against the wall of a campus building. He’s hanging in a shaded alley between two campus buildings. A college freshman with a Polo shirt and khakis walks over to Charlie)

 

FRESHMAN: Prodigy, right?

 

CHARLIE: A cop, RIGHT?

 

FRESHMAN: No, dude, I’m not an eighteen-year old cop.

 

CHARLIE: Good. Who are you then?

 

FRESHMAN: I’m Jude, we were just texting.

 

CHARLIE: Alright, hurry up.

 

(Jude takes out forty dollars and hands it to Charlie. Charlie takes out a bag of weed and hands it to Jude)

 

JUDE: Thanks, bro, that looks sticky.

 

CHARLIE: Yeah, dude, I once got so high on that shit, I jumped off a building and survived.

 

JUDE: You think I could do that?
 

CHARLIE: I think you can do whatever you put your mind too, little brah. I gotta dip, though.

 

(Jude and Charlie bump fists and part ways. Charlie takes out an umbrella and walks out of the shade. He takes a second to look at the overcast sky and decides to put away his umbrella. He takes out a joint and starts walking, when a man in a tie holding a clipboard accosts him)

 

MAN WITH TIE: Hi there, friend!
 

CHARLIE: Holy shit.

 

MAN WITH TIE: Name’s George-ish, how are you this bright and sunny day?

 

(George-ish chuckles)

 

CHARLIE: Your name is George-ish?!

 

GEORGE-ISH: Yeah, my parents couldn’t decide!
 

(George-ish chuckles again)

 

CHARLIE: I need to go, dude, you’re freaking me out-

 

GEORGE-ISH: No worries, here’s a pamphlet and a free Book o’ Mormon!

 

(George-ish hands Charlie a pamphlet and a Book of Mormon)

 

CHARLIE: I don’t want- wait, why isn’t this book sizzling my skin?

 

GEORGE-ISH: What’s that, friend?

 

CHARLIE: Oh yeah, because it’s bullshit. Have a chill day, psycho.

 

(Charlie throws the pamphlet and Book of Mormon in the trash)

 

GEORGE-ISH: Hey now! That wasn’t your backpack!

 

(Cut to Charlie quickly walking through campus, sucking on his blunt, as numerous religious missionaries stare at him- cut to a montage of them throwing him religious literature. Cut to Charlie passing a Catholic missionary)

 

CATHOLIC: One bible for ya!
 

(The Catholic tosses Charlie a bible and it sizzles his hands so he drops it)

 

CHARLIE: AGH! Shit!
 

(Cut to Charlie passing an Islamic missionary)

 

MUSLIM: One qu’ran coming right up!
 

(The Muslim tosses a Qu’ran to Charlie and its burns his hand again)

 

CHARLIE: AGH! MOTHERFUCKER!

 

(Cut to Charlie walking past a guy in a yarmulke)

 

JEWISH GUY: Coming in HOT!

 

(The Jewish guy tosses Charlie a Torah, which also burns his hands and he drops)

 

CHARLIE: DUDE! I thought you guys weren’t supposed to convert!
 

JEWISH GUY: Not supposed to, yes. But do I? You bet your schvantz.

 

(Charlie shakes his head and starts running ahead. He sees a ton of religious groups pushing pamphlets and leaflets and holy books towards him and starts seeing police officers staring at him from a distance. He screams and runs even faster. Cut to outside his apartment. He runs up the stairs and quickly unlocks his door. He slams it behind him and sinks down to the floor, hyperventilating)

 

CHARLIE: They’re onto me, maaaan. They know I’m a fuckin’ demon, maaaaan. (Charlie gets up and closes his blinds. Cut to his bedroom. He slips into his camo onesie and looks out the window. He sees a police officer speaking to two students who appear to have gotten into a car accident. The students are both holding clipboards) Oh shit. (The students start writing down notes) They’re taking notes about me! “Pale face, only comes out at night, sticky bud, ri-donk-ulously dope, people who enter his apartment often go missing”. Shit like that. The Faith Groups are teaming up against me. SHIT. I’m so paranoid. Better smoke more weed to calm myself. (Cut to Charlie torching a packed bowl. He exhales smoke while sitting on his couch, watching Aqua Teen Hunger Force. It’s a scene where Meatwad is pulling a wagon containing Master Shake and Frylock alongside a road)

 

MEATWAD: It hurts!

 

MASTER SHAKE: Faster, Meatwad!

 

FRYLOCK: There it is!

 

(The camera whip pans to a billboard reading “When in Memphis, Visit DRACULA’S GRAVE and Gift Shop 400 YDS on right”)

 

MEATWAD: I wanted to see the King!
 

MASTER SHAKE: You’re seeing The Count!

 

(Charlie freaks out and pauses the show)

 

CHARLIE: Holy shit! Not even late-night stoner comedy is on my side. (Charlie grabs a “Buddha”-like bong from his coffee table, with the fat body and bare chest, but instead of Buddha’s head it has the head of Dracula) I’m so sorry, Dracula, that they mocked your memory like that, man. That was fucked up. That’s it! (Charlie puts down the bong and forcefully throws his remote at the TV, destroying the screen. Suddenly, a knock comes at the door) Oh shit. (Beat) MASTER SHAKE? IS THAT YOU?

 

THE ONE WHO KNOCKS: Huh? No, sir, I just need to talk to you.

 

(Charlie gets up and cautiously approaches the door)

 

CHARLIE: Coming.

 

(Charlie opens the door and finds a twenty-year old man with a polo T-shirt and a clipboard in hand)

 

THE ONE WHO KNOCKS: Hey. I’m Devon-

 

CHARLIE: I know who you are, man, you think I don’t know?

 

DEVON: Excuse me?

 

CHARLIE: …Nothing, what do you want?

 

DEVON: We saw you peeking through your blinds, did you see the crash outside?

 

CHARLIE: Why? “Because life is fragile and you never know when it’s gonna be over”? Not a problem for me, Mitt, so don’t freak out about it.

 

DEVON: I’m sorry, I don’t think you understand, can I come in?

 

CHARLIE: For sure.

 

(Devon comes in and Charlie closes the door, his eyes intensely locked on Devon, like a psychopath. Cut to Roy on the phone while cleaning out his very old Impala, grabbing trash and disposing of it in a trash bag. The phone is on the dash and on speakerphone)

 

MRS. HANDLER: (On speakerphone) So you’re bringing Oliver?

 

ROY: Yeah, he’s excited to see you guys.

 

(Roy finds a take-out container, smells it and grimaces. He places it in the trash bag)

 

MRS. HANDLER: Are we paying for him? Because I’m more than happy to.

 

ROY: Nah, he doesn’t eat much these days anyway.

 

MRS. HANDLER: Why? Is he fasting? He’s Jewish, right?
 

ROY: No, mom, he’s atheist.

 

MRS. HANDLER: Oh yeah, that’s why he’s in my “concern” file.

 

ROY: Please don’t bring it up, tonight, okay, mama?

 

MRS. HANDLER: I won’t! I won’t! Unless he does.

 

ROY: He won’t.

 

MRS. HANDLER: Why doesn’t he eat?

 

ROY: He’s depressed because Naomi dumped him.

 

MRS. HANDLER: Oh, poor thing. I’ll keep him in my prayers tonight.

 

ROY: Yeah, I do every night. See you tonight, mama.

 

MRS. HANDLER: Okay. Don’t forget to fill up on gas, alright?

 

ROY: …Yeah, mama, thanks. Will do.

 

MRS. HANDLER: Okay. Remember to do your homework.

 

ROY: Uh-huh.

 

MRS. HANDLER: If your phone is dying, plug it in.

 

ROY: Goodbye, mama, love you.

 

MRS. HANDLER: Bye, Roy, love you so much.

 

(Mrs. Handler hangs up as Roy sighs)

 

ROY: Remember to wash your ass, Roy. One cheek at a time. (Roy finds a stack of papers) Shit, are these W-2s?

 

(Oliver walks over, wearing a hoodie)

 

OLIVER: You ready?

 

(Roy gets out of the car and faces Oliver)

 

ROY: Yeah, just about, gotta throw this shit away first. Why are you wearing a hoodie? It’s overcast.

 

OLIVER: The sun could peak its ugly dick out from the clouds at any time. And dick me down.

 

ROY: Isn’t “dicking down” a good thing?

 

OLIVER: Not in this context. Come on, let’s go, it’s almost 6:30.

 

(Roy nods and walks over to the dumpster and throws the bag in, unceremoniously)

 

HOMELESS MAN: (OS) HEY!

 

ROY: Oh, shit, sorry, Paul!

 

PAUL: Watch where you throw your shit, man!

 

(Roy quickly walks back over as Oliver gets in the passenger seat. Roy gets in the driver’s seat and starts up the engine. Oliver gets a text. It’s from Stephanie and it reads “Hey can you talk? Lmk”. Oliver stares at it a moment and then puts it in his pocket. Roy backs out)

 

ROY: Who was that?

 

OLIVER: Wow, nosy much?

 

ROY: Sorry, half the time you get texts these days, it’s either Sheffield begging you to come out or Charlie begging you to kill someone with him.

 

(Roy drives out of the parking lot)

 

OLIVER: It’s nobody.

 

(Oliver looks out the window. Cut to a sixteen-year old girl, strawberry blonde, thin face, wearing a pink cardigan and white blouse, sitting on the couch, staring at her phone- particularly the message she just sent Oliver, who is in her phone as “Big Bro”. She looks up and the TV is playing ABC 7 Local News with Alan Krashesky and Cheryl Burton)

 

ALAN: In national news, Virginia Lieutenant Governor Justin Fairfax is refusing to step down after numerous allegations of sexual assault have been leveled against him. Attorney General Mark Herring is also refusing to step down after admitting to wearing blackface in college. Governor Northam is reportedly counting on Democrats being unable to find a Virginia Democrat who didn’t wear blackface or commit sexual assault or both, for at least three years, allowing him to serve out his term.

 

CHERYL: In Washington, freshman Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has laid out her outline of a “Green New Deal”, which proponents say might save Earth from climate catastrophe- I’m just kidding, we’re gonna talk about Jeff Bezos’ dick.

 

(Alan chuckles)

 

ALAN: Good one, Cheryl.

 

(Jeff Shine, a middle-aged man in a bowling shirt with a beer belly, walks over and sits next to Stephanie while holding a beer in his hand)

 

JEFF: How was school, Steph?

 

STEPHANIE: It was fine. Dad, do we have to watch this?

 

JEFF: No, of course not, this is just something your mother has on. KELLY, CAN WE CHANGE IT?

 

KELLY: (OS) No, I’m watching this!
 

JEFF: Sorry, baby, my hands are tied.

 

(Stephanie sighs)

 

STEPHANIE: Fine. Do you really want to know how my day went, then?

 

JEFF: Sure, Steph, go ahead.

 

STEPHANIE: You know that boy from physics I’ve been talking about?

 

JEFF: Yeah, the mean one?

 

STEPHANIE: Yeah, him. We were put in a group project together, and I make these jokes, and he just ignores them.

 

JEFF: That means he likes you, hon. Just keep trying.

 

STEPHANIE: Dad! That doesn’t help!

 

JEFF: Well, don’t you ask your brother about this kind of stuff usually? He knows relationships, he locked down Naomi. And she’s not nothing to look at.

 

KELLY: (OS) Jeffrey!

 

JEFF: What? I can’t acknowledge my son’s girlfriend is hot?

 

STEPHANIE: No! No, you cannot! And Oliver isn’t responding to my texts recently.

 

JEFF: Oh, I’m sorry, Steph, I’m sure he’s just busy. Particularly with that girlfriend of his.

 

STEPHANIE: Dad!
 

JEFF: What? I didn’t mean that! That’s on you, you jumped to that conclusion!

 

(Cut to Roy driving Oliver to Chicago. NPR is playing over the radio)

 

NPR: Senator Elizabeth Warren officially announced her candidacy for President this morning, launching a vitriolic attack on our nation’s noble bankers and oil men, perhaps taking a page from Trump’s divisive political style.

 

OLIVER: I love how liberal NPR is.

 

NPR: Senator Amy Klobuchar is also expected to announce a run for President tomorrow, despite recent allegations that she is a deranged psychopath who throws binders at her staffers for even the slightest mistakes.

 

ROY: To be fair, though, Trump being President means that’s not a disqualifier, maybe even a plus.

 

NPR: Klobuchar & Warren have joined an already-crowded field of Presidential contenders, including Kamala Harris, Kirsten Gillibrand, Cory Booker, Julian Castro, Tulsi Gabbard, John Delaney and Pete Buttigieg. Yes, those last two are real people are running for President.

 

OLIVER: There’s already five Senators running for President. Four more who might run. Isn’t that gonna make work awkward for them?

 

ROY: Luckily for them, they’ll be too busy living in Iowa to actually do Senator stuff.

 

OLIVER: True.

 

(Roy parks at a restaurant called “Big Joey’s Fries & Grits” with an “Under New Management” sign below a cartoonish illustration of a country bumpkin shoving fries & grits in his mouth over a paper bag. Cut to Roy, Oliver, Marla and Joe sitting at a table in this brightly-colored, tacky restaurant. Marla is white, Joe is black, and they’re both in their early 40s and more on the heavyset side)

 

JOE: Ever been here, Oliver?
 

OLIVER: No, I don’t believe so.

 

(A bubbly waiter comes over)

 

WAITER: You may have been here when we were called “Dumb Tony’s Fries & Grits”, but we’re under new management, now, you see!
 

OLIVER: No, I’ve never been here, under any management, I would’ve remembered that.

 

WAITER: Here’s your menus- (The waiter sets down four menus) and can I get you started with anything to drink?

 

ROY: I’ll have a Dr. Pepper.

 

MARLA: Same for us.

 

OLIVER: Do you have Virgin Blood- excuse me, Virgin Shirley Temples?

 

WAITER: No, sir!

 

OLIVER: Okay…I’ll have a Dr. Pepper then.

 

WAITER: We do not have that.

 

OLIVER: Then why didn’t you say-?

 

WAITER: Pepsis all around, coming right up! Take your time.

 

(The waiter walks away)

 

OLIVER: What’s good here?

 

(Oliver looks at the menu. There are only three menu items; Fries, Grits & Fries & Grits. He looks incredulous)

 

ROY: The Fries & Grits are good.

 

MARLA: They come in a paper bag, and you get to keep the paper bag afterwards. How fun!

 

OLIVER: …Yes, that sounds, great. Cool, I’ll get fries then.

 

MARLA: So, Oliver, how’s school?

 

OLIVER: It’s fine. I graduate in May, so. Excited for that.

 

JOE: You looking for a job? You gotta get yourself one, we ain’t gonna buy you dinner forever.

 

OLIVER: Oh, no, I’m paying for myself, thank you, though.

 

JOE: With whose money, though?

 

(Beat)

 

OLIVER: My daddy’s.

 

JOE: Exactly.

 

MARLA: Oh, get off his case, Joe.

 

ROY: Yes, dad, please.

 

MARLA: Do you ever go to Roy’s faith group meetings?

 

ROY: Okay, so now you’re on his case.

 

MARLA: I’m not! I’m just asking!
 

OLIVER: No, not typically, Mrs. Handler.

 

MARLA: I see. Is your family atheist or did you rebel against them or something?

 

ROY: Mom.

 

MARLA: Let him speak for himself!

 

OLIVER: My family’s not, religious, no. They didn’t enforce atheism on me, though, that just kind of happened, clearly as a result of being brain-washed by the Gay Agenda.

 

JOE: See, I knew it.

 

MARLA: Oh, I don’t think that’s true!
 

ROY: Guys, he’s joking.

 

MARLA: Oh! (Chuckle) Our apologies.

 

JOE: A joke, huh? So, you’re a joker?

 

OLIVER: Uh, sure.

 

JOE: You know, life ain’t no joke. Wasn’t a joke when I lost my job.

 

ROY: Dad, nobody’s saying that!

 

OLIVER: I think I’m gonna get some air.

 

(Oliver stands up and walks toward the door)

 

MARLA: Oh, come back!
 

ROY: Guys, you can’t pressure him like this.

 

MARLA: Roy, don’t you wanna save his soul?

 

ROY: Trust me, mom, it’s too late for him. (Under his breath) Plus, he might be the one doing the torturing.

 

MARLA: What?

 

ROY: Nothing. When he comes back, please apologize.

 

(Marla and Joe mumble in agreement. The waiter comes back over)

 

WAITER: Have we decided yet?

 

JOE: Four orders of Fries & Grits.

 

ROY: I think Oliver wanted-

 

JOE: FOUR orders.

 

(Cut to Oliver standing outside, sucking blood from his “e-cigarette”. He feels a raindrop on his head and hears thunder)

 

OLIVER: Shit. Better get inside before I melt. (Oliver turns toward the door) Wait, that’s witches.

 

(Cut to Oliver coming back to the table and sitting down)

 

MARLA: Sorry if we made you uncomfortable, Oliver.

 

OLIVER: No worries.

 

MARLA: Good news is, the fries & grits should be here any second.

 

OLIVER: Actually, I’m far too depressed to eat, so, I’ll sit this one out.

 

(Oliver smiles and takes a sip of water. Marla and Joe look at each other and Roy sighs. Cut to Charlie sitting across from Devon in Charlie’s apartment)

 

DEVON: So, basically, I wanted to know if you saw the accident-

 

CHARLIE: Cut the shit, man, I know why you’re here. You wanna convert me.

 

DEVON: Uh…no?

 

CHARLIE: Dude, you don’t have to hide here. This is an open-minded household. I think every person on Earth has something to contribute. Guess what, hombre? You’re one of them. (Charlie stands up and walks to his kitchen) You want a drink-oh, sorry, you’re a Mormon, they don’t drink. You want Sunny D? I have like four tubs of the shit.

 

DEVON: I’m good, with, just water.

 

(Charlie winks and pours a cup of water which he then ferries over to Devon. Devon takes a sip)

 

CHARLIE: You should know something about me, dude, I’m not really into organized religion.

 

DEVON: That’s fine, look I’m not here to convert you-?

 

CHARLIE: I know the soft sell when I hear one, I’m a drug dealer.

 

DEVON: You’re a drug dealer?!

 

CHARLIE: Bless me, Father, for I am sin. I get it!

 

DEVON: Dude, I’m not a pastor!

 

CHARLIE: But you’re here to save my soul? Trust me, kid, I don’t have one. But I am spiritual. (Charlie walks over to his stereo) I believe that every living thing is connected. Which explains why I feel so distant from mankind.

 

DEVON: What?

 

CHARLIE: Do you like Sublime?

 

DEVON: Uh, yeah, they’re fine.

 

(Charlie puts on Sublime’s “Santeria”)

 

CHARLIE: Their early work was a little too stoner for even my taste, I mean, come on, “Smoke Two Blunts”?

 

(Charlie walks behind a confused Devon. Charlie grabs a raincoat and puts it on)

 

DEVON: Right. Can we get down to business, or?

 

CHARLIE: I think with the release of their self-titled album in ‘96, they really got began to slap, both commercially and artistically.

 

(Devon looks over at Charlie)

 

DEVON: Is that a raincoat?

 

CHARLIE: Nah, man, it’s hemp.

 

DEVON: It’s definitely not.

 

CHARLIE: I’m gonna keep it real, my dude, I have a dog. A little chao.

 

DEVON: What does that have to do with-?

 

CHARLIE: Look! There he is!

 

(Devon turns and faces forward and Charlie lunges for his neck, biting him and beginning to drain him of blood)

 

DEVON: AAgghhh! What are you-!?

 

(Devon grows weaker and weaker until he collapses to the floor, dead)

 

CHARLIE: Have fun on your own personal planet, Mitt.

 

(Charlie chuckles and drags Devon’s lifeless body into the closet, where he props it up against the wall. The body of the girl from BLEP2 is now gone. Charlie shuts the door and plops his ass on the couch. He lights his Dracula bong and takes a rip. He gets a text from someone named “Dixon”- it reads “hey man meet me at walmart after sundown, I have $45 for an eighth”. Charlie shrugs and texts “ok bet” and puts his phone away. Cut to Charlie pulling into the parking lot as Sublime comes over the radio. He parks and gets out. Dixon, a scrawny kid with a buzz cut and cargo shorts, emerges from a truck and walks over to him)

 

DIXON: Hey.

 

CHARLIE: S’up, dude? Where’s it at?

 

DIXON: I’m sorry, Prodigy.

 

CHARLIE: For what? You a priest?

 

(A group of Latin King gang members emerge from nearby cars with stakes and bows pointed at Charlie. The lead gang member steps forward)

 

LATIN KING: Chicago’s OUR territory, mother FUCKER!

 

CHARLIE: Fuck. Why do I keep falling for the Walmart parking lot ploy, man?!

 

LATIN KING: You ain’t too smart, huh, El Diablo?

 

CHARLIE: Man, I’m not El Diablo, he’s just my boss, dude. You want to go after him, then do it, I’m just a peon!

 

LATIN KING GOON: He’s lying, he’s Prodigy, Kingpin of Evanston!

 

CHARLIE: I’ll give you Satan’s address if you just let me live!
 

LATIN KING: How dumb you think we are, ese? Get the motherfucker.

 

(The gang members shoot wooden arrows at Charlie, but Charlie does a backflip and swats them away. Charlie lands on his feet and gets swarmed by bangers with stakes he pushes a few away with great force, but one of the Latin Kings pins him and holds the stake over him. Charlie holds the man’s arm to try to keep him from plunging the stake into his heart, but several of the other gang members begin prying his arm from the Latin King’s arm)

 

CHARLIE: SHIT.

 

(As Charlie’s hand is removed by force, the banger is about to stake Charlie)

 

POLICE OFFICER: (OS) HEY! (They look behind them and see two police officers aiming guns at them) GET OFF HIM! HANDS UP!
 

(The Latin Kings drop their stakes and put their hands up)

 

CHARLIE: I was just buying Hawaiian Rolls and they tried to KILL me, officer!
 

LATIN KING: That’s BULLSHIT!
 

POLICE OFFICER: HEY! SHUT UP!

 

LATIN KING GOON: Man, Charlie don’t even GOT no Hawaiian Rolls!
 

CHARLIE: They ate ‘em, sir, ate ‘em all up. Right in front of my eyes, the bastards.

 

POLICE OFFICER 2: You’re not gonna disturb this nice, white man anymore, you hoodlums. You’re all going downtown.

 

(They all groan)

 

POLICE OFFICER: (Into his radio) We need back-up at the Walmart on Touhy Avenue. It’s a gang bust. Also, bring a squad car for Charlie. (Charlie tenses up) So you can get him a burger and bring him home.

 

(Charlie smiles and nods)

 

LATIN KING: Dude, he HAS a car!
 

POLICE OFFICER: SHUT THE FUCK UP!
 

(Cut to Marla’s car and Roy’s car pulling into the driveway of Roy’s house during an absolute downpour, complete with thunder and lightning. Roy, Marla, Oliver and Joe quickly rush inside. Cut to Joe hanging up his coat in the foyer of their home, along with the rest of them. They each get shrill alert messages on their phones)

 

OLIVER: Is it a missing white girl?

 

ROY: No, they say there’s flash floods.

 

OLIVER: Shit.

 

MARLA: I don’t think you guys can go back to Evanston tonight. It’s too dangerous.

 

ROY: You’re probably right.

 

OLIVER: No, come on, man, we’ve driven through worse! We gotta bet back to Evanston or else your 22nd is wasted!

 

ROY: Man, we can do it some other night. We can just wait it out. Worst case scenario, you sleep here.

 

JOE: Fine, but you guys better not sleep in the same bed.

 

(Marla looks at Joe)

 

MARLA: Joseph Gordon Handler, stop it!
 

JOE: What? My boy’s not gonna be havin’ pillow fights up there!

 

OLIVER: It’s a shame, because I’m pretty good at those.

 

(Cut to Marla loading dishes into the dishwasher. Roy comes in and grabs a Gatorade from the fridge)

 

MARLA: Does Oliver need anything?

 

ROY: Nah, he’s good.

 

(Roy closes the fridge door)

 

MARLA: You know, we’re going to church tomorrow morning, since he’s here-

 

ROY: I think he’ll wanna leave, mama.

 

MARLA: But you’ll have to go, what are you gonna do, drive him home and then come back?

 

ROY: I have to go?

 

MARLA: Roy!

 

ROY: Fine! Fine, maybe I can convince him to come. Just. Listen, I grew up learning the word, right?

 

MARLA: Yes.

 

ROY: It’s a part of who I am, I wouldn’t consider becoming a Muslim, Scientologist or Atheist, right?

 

MARLA: Yeah.

 

ROY: Well, Oliver didn’t grow up with the word. It’s not a part of who he is and so, why would he consider becoming Christian?

 

MARLA: People can be brought into the church! Your father found God after years of alcohol abuse!

 

ROY: Yeah, so that means Oliver has to become an alcoholic? I mean…wait.

 

MARLA: I’m just, there’s nothing that can’t be undone. He can un-learn all the atheist stuff.

 

ROY: …You’re saying you think he can be reversed?

 

MARLA: That’s a, weird way of saying it, but, sure.

 

ROY: …Huh.

 

(Cut to Oliver pulling on football-decorated pajama bottoms. He walks into the bathroom and looks in the mirror, obviously seeing no reflection)

 

OLIVER: Jesus, I’ll never get used to this.

 

(Roy comes in and hands Oliver a dusty old SpongeBob-themed electric toothbrush)

 

ROY: This is all I could find.

 

OLIVER: Wow. This looks like, fifteen years old.

 

ROY: Sorry, man.

 

OLIVER: Well, hey. Who cares if I don’t brush my teeth? I’m dead.

 

(Oliver throws the toothbrush away and walks out)

 

ROY: Bro, that could be worth something someday! (Roy fishes it out of the trash. Oliver sits on the blow-up mattress that has been set up for him. Roy comes in and sits on his bed) You a’ight?

 

(Oliver gets a text from Stephanie- “Big Bro?” Oliver looks at it and puts the phone down)

 

OLIVER: Yeah. (Oliver texts back “sorry I missed your text, steph, we can talk later. Goodnight”) I’m fine.

 

(Cut to Stephanie in her room, which is festooned with “Riverdale” and “Vampire Diaries” posters. She’s looking at the text her brother sent her, with disappointment in her eyes. She tosses her phone on her bedside table and falls into her pillow, staring at the ceiling. Cut back to Oliver and Roy)

 

ROY: …When are you gonna tell people you’re a vampire?

 

OLIVER: …Who would I tell? And why?

 

ROY: Well. You don’t age, how are you gonna explain that you look twenty-three when you’re thirty years old?

 

OLIVER: Good genes. I do have good genes, after all.

 

ROY: Okay, but you can’t explain it away like that at forty. Plus, what about when Stephanie graduates? Are you just gonna hope for an overcast day?

 

(Oliver sighs)

 

OLIVER: …I have no fucking idea.

 

ROY: That’s what I’m saying, you almost have to tell them at a certain point.

 

OLIVER: Roy. I don’t know, man, I’m trying not to think about that.

 

ROY: What are you gonna do when you outlive your whole family?

 

OLIVER: Jesus Christ, Roy!

 

ROY: I’m just saying, it must freak you out.

 

OLIVER: Yeah, it does! Is that what you want to hear? It freaks me the fuck out, everything about this does. How would I- how would I even broach this to my parents? Or my sister? My sister thinks of me as super-human, how is she gonna cope with the fact I’m a monster?

 

ROY: Well, technically, you have super-human strength, so, it could almost be a plus.

OLIVER: I’m gonna avoid telling them for as long as I can, that’s the plan right now. And just like every other plan I’ve had in my life, it’s gonna work out just fine.

 

(Roy chuckles and shakes his head)

 

ROY: …We’re going to Church tomorrow morning and my mom wants you to go.

 

OLIVER: Are you fucking kidding me?

 

ROY: Just bite the bullet, man!

 

OLIVER: What even happens if I enter a church, do I immolate?

 

ROY: Guess we’ll have to see. (Oliver sighs and puts his pillow over his head. Cut to the morning. Roy is wearing a polo shirt and enters his room to find Oliver still sleeping) Dude, let’s go! (Roy raises from his blow-up bed without moving any of his limbs) HOLY SHIT!
 

OLIVER: Sorry, did I scare you?

 

ROY: Just, get dressed you freak!

 

OLIVER: Is the sun out?

 

(Roy sighs)

 

ROY: Yes. Shit.

 

(Cut to Roy standing in the driveway, talking to Joe and Marla, who are in their car)

 

MARLA: So, we’ll meet you there, right?

 

ROY: Yeah, we gotta get back to Evanston right after.

 

JOE: Tell Oliver, no smart-ass comments.

 

ROY: A’ight, dad.

 

JOE: And he can’t wear my Sunday clothes, give him one of yours.

 

ROY: Gotcha.

 

(Marla waves and Joe drives away. Oliver comes outside wearing a black hoodie, black gloves and a gas mask)

 

OLIVER: Well, that’s one promise half-broken. Why does he have a gas mask?

 

ROY: He was preparing for war with North Korea. (Beat) He also said he would switch sides and fight with them, actually.

 

OLIVER: What? He’d ride the bombs?

 

ROY: Shit, I don’t know. Let’s go.

 

(Cut to Roy driving Oliver in his car)

 

ROY: It won’t be that bad.

 

OLIVER: Whatever, I’m just hungry…can you pull in here so I can get something to eat?

 

ROY: Fine.

 

(Roy pulls over to the side of the road and Oliver gets out and finds a recently deceased possum)

 

OLIVER: Should still be fresh.

 

(Oliver removes his mask, his face goes vamp and he bites into it. Cut to Roy and Oliver getting out of their car in the back parking lot of a church. They sneak in through a back door. Cut to Roy and Oliver walking into the main cathedral of this primarily black church. Oliver is now wearing a black polo shirt and jeans. Congregants are getting seated as the deacon goes prepares the scripture for the pastor)

 

OLIVER: Pretty sure no one noticed.

 

ROY: Yeah. Try not to touch anything.

 

(Oliver and Roy walk up to Marla and Joe)

 

MARLA: Oh, Oliver, you look so nice!
 

OLIVER: Thanks, Mrs. Handler.

 

JOE: You look pale as hell, though. Need to get some sun.

 

OLIVER: I burn easily.

 

ROY: Oliver.

 

OLIVER: Very easily.

 

ROY: When’s the service start?

 

(Pastor Provolone, an unbearably cheery African-American pastor with a wide smile walks over)
 

PASTOR PROVOLONE: Momentarily! How are you, newcomer?

 

OLIVER: I’m good- (The Pastor shakes Oliver’s hand and it zaps him) AAAAGH! Uhhh, that was-

 

(Pastor Provolone reveals a zapper in his hand)

 

PASTOR PROVOLONE: GOT YA! It’s just a prank, bro!

 

OLIVER: Oh. Wow.

 

ROY: He’s a, fun pastor.

 

(Marla laughs)

 

MARLA: That’s so classic, Pastor Provolone.

 

OLIVER: Your name is Pastor Provolone?
 

JOE: Hey! No smart-ass comments!
 

OLIVER: Sorry, sir.

 

PASTOR PROVOLONE: Good to meet you- what’s your name?

 

OLIVER: Oliver. (Pastor Provolone looks into Oliver’s eyes and suddenly freezes up) …Pastor? Are you okay?

 

PASTOR PROVOLONE: …Yeah. Yeah. Enjoy the sermon.

 

(Pastor Provolone walks to the dais. Marla, Joe, Oliver and Roy sit down in the pews)

 

ROY: That was weird.

 

OLIVER: (Whispering) Yeah, no shit.

 

ROY: (Whispering) Calm down, I’m sure he has no idea.

 

OLIVER: Oh really? Then why are they whispering to each other- (Cut to the Pastor whispering to his deacon and pointing in Oliver’s general direction) like that?
 

ROY: You’re being paranoid.

 

(Pastor Provolone takes the microphone)

 

PASTOR PROVOLONE: Good morning, ladies and germs! Go ahead and grab your bibles and turn to Isaiah 15:2.

 

(Everyone grabs a bible, including Oliver, who grabs it, but it burns his hands and he drops it)

 

OLIVER: URRRGHHH! (Joe and Marla turn to him) Paper cut! I’ll just read from Roy’s.

 

JOE: I smell burning.

 

ROY: Pearle probably just brought in some bacon strips for the congregation, she’s always doing stuff like that.

 

(Pearle, an eccentric church lady with a garish dress and sun hat, leans in)

 

PEARLE: No, I didn’t.

 

ROY: Maybe she’s so old she forgot she did! (Beat) I’m so sorry, Pearle.

 

PEARLE: It’s alright, sonny, that sounds plausible, actually.

 

MARLA: Shhh!

 

PASTOR PROVOLONE: Well, that was a fun passage. Let’s try something different here tonight, huh?

 

ROY: Oh no.

 

PASTOR PROVOLONE: Anyone new to the Church wanna get saved this morning? Feel free to volunteer people!

 

MARLA: Oh, I VOLUNTEER-

 

(Pastor Provolone points at Oliver)

 

PASTOR PROVOLONE: HOW ABOUT YOU, SIR?!

 

OLIVER: Oh, no, I don’t think so- (Two Choir boys grab Oliver’s arms) oh shit, Roy, help me.

 

(The Choir Boys drag Oliver to the dais as the congregation applauds)

 

MARLA: Oh, how wonderful!
 

PEARLE: You know, I just realized I DID bring bacon.

 

(Pearle holds up a plate of cherry tomatoes)

 

ROY: Those are cherry tomatoes, Pearle. (Whispering) What am I gonna do?

 

(Pastor Provolone is handed a pale of holy water as Oliver is dragged on stage)

 

PASTOR PROVOLONE: Do you prefer your holy water in a pale, or- (Pastor Provolone reveals a lapel flower) a flower?

 

(Pastor Provolone squirts a bit on stage as the audience cracks up)

 

OLIVER: You know, this is a crazy coincidence, but I just got saved last night, so, no need!

 

(The Choir Boys plop him down in a chair)

 

PASTOR PROVOLONE: Oh, do not lie before the Lord, my friend. (Pastor Provolone puts his hand to Oliver’s head) My, you are cold as my ex-wife’s heart, are you ill?

 

OLIVER: Very much so! Probably shouldn’t touch me!

 

PASTOR PROVOLONE: Fine, we’ll get to the holy water-

 

OLIVER: NO! Go ahead with the speech if you want!
 

PASTOR PROVOLONE: Very well! (Pastor Provolone puts his hand to Oliver’s head) Oh Lord, bless this creature with your loving blood-

 

(Cut to Roy)

 

ROY: (Whispering) I have to do something.

 

MARLA: You two are gonna have such a blast in Heaven together!
 

ROY: Gotta use the restroom, mama.

 

(Roy gets up and shoves his way out of the pews)

 

PASTOR PROVOLONE: And if THIS creature is not worthy of your love, let the water reveal it!  (Pastor Provolone smiles grimly as he places his hand firmly on his flower. Oliver braces. Roy goes to the back and pulls a fire alarm, causing the alarms to sound and the ceiling sprinklers to go off. People start panicking and getting out of their seats, running towards the exit. Oliver uses the moment of distraction to wrest himself free from the deacons and rushes toward the exit) I KNEW I SHOULD’VE REPLACED THE FIRE SPRINKLER SYSTEM WITH HOLY WATER! GET THE VAMPIRE!

 

(As Oliver makes his way to the church’s back door, a deacon with a stake confronts him)

 

DEACON: You’re not going anywhere, vampire.

 

OLIVER: Listen, man, I’m a good vampire, I don’t want to hurt you!

 

DEACON: You can’t go outside, demon. It’s too bright out. Guess one of us will have to kill the other. (Oliver stands, staring at the deacon) You know you can overpower me, so just do it. (Oliver gets a text from Roy- “Out back with the car, jump in”. The Deacon takes the opportunity of Oliver being distracted to lunge at him, but Oliver knees him in the stomach and rushes out the back door to find Roy in his car with the backseat door open. The sun is searing Oliver’s skin and smoke is rising, so he quickly dives into the backseat and covers himself with a blanket. Roy drives off as the deacon rushes into the back alley, clutching his stomach) DAMNIT! NEVER COME HERE AGAIN, WRETECHED CREATURE OF THE NIGHT!

 

(The Pastor runs over)

 

PASTOR PROVOLONE: He got away?

 

DEACON: Yes. But I’ll let the boys know that if they ever see him on the south side again, to let us know.

 

PASTOR PROVOLONE: You hear that, boys?

 

(Several members of the Latin Kings walk out of the church back door and nod)

 

LATIN KING: Anything to keep this community safe, Pastor Provolone.

 

(The Pastor and the Lat King shake hands. Cut to Roy on his phone, driving Oliver home as he cowers under the blanket in the back seat)

 

ROY: Yeah, mama, there was a fire, probably from Pearle’s cooking. (Beat) Yeah, she was cooking in the church, I don’t know! Look, I gotta get back to Evanston, I’ll talk to you later. (Beat) Love you, bye. (Roy hangs up) Maybe I should keep you from my family for a little while.

 

OLIVER: YEAH, DUDE, MAYBE! (Beat) Happy Birthday, by the way.

 

ROY: …Thanks.

 

(Cut to Charlie sitting on his couch watching a re-run of COPS while eating a burger from Second Window. The Cops slam a gang member’s head against their squad car and Charlie laughs. Cut to Stephanie sitting on the back porch, calling Oliver on her phone. Cut to Oliver sitting at home, looking exhausted. Oliver sees the call coming in, he sighs, takes a few moments, and then answers it)

 

OLIVER: Hey, Steph.

 

STEPHANIE: Oliver! I finally got you, where have you been?

 

OLIVER: Sorry, Steph, really busy with class.

 

STEPHANIE: Which class?

 

OLIVER: I can’t remember their names, I haven’t been to them in like, over a week. What’s up?

 

STEPHANIE: I wanted to ask you about this boy I like.

 

(Oliver sighs)

 

OLIVER: What about him?

 

STEPHANIE: We’re in this group project, and I keep trying to get his attention, but he hasn’t been reciprocating. (Beat) …Oliver?

 

OLIVER: Steph, I don’t know, I’m not really the one to be dolling out romance advice right now. Naomi dumped my ass a few weeks ago.

 

STEPHANIE: …Oh my God, really?

 

OLIVER: Yeah. I may have pretended like I knew what I was talking about, but I don’t.

 

STEPHANIE: I’m so sorry, Oliver.

 

OLIVER: It’s alright. You should ask dad about this, he was able to lock down mom.

 

STEPHANIE: I did, and he mostly just remarked upon Naomi’s figure.

 

(Oliver shudders in disgust)

 

OLIVER: Of course, he did. Look, you’ll have to figure this out on your own. This’ll be good, a part of growing up. You’re gonna be in college before you know it.

 

STEPHANIE: …Oh…okay.

 

OLIVER: I gotta go, Steph, tell mom and dad “hi” and “I need 400 dollars in my account, don’t ask why” for me.

 

STEPHANIE: …Alright. Bye, Oliver.

 

OLIVER: Bye, Steph.

 

(Oliver hangs up)

 

STEPHANIE: Love you-

 

(Dial tone. Stephanie puts down the phone dejectedly. Cut to Oliver. He tosses the phone aside, lies down on the couch and falls asleep. Cut to Roy in his room, on his laptop while talking on the phone)

 

ROY: Mom, we shouldn’t try again, he hated it. (Beat) It’s not because it was a black church, mama, religion, no he didn’t set the fire! Look, you can’t force these things. If he wants to find Jesus, he’ll decide to. Besides. I think I might have a better way to save him.

 

(The camera whips around to reveal what’s on Roy’s computer screen- some sort of Pagan web page with “SPELLS TO REVERSE VAMPIRISM” at the top. Cut to black)

 

THE END


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