Bloodless Episode 5

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Oliver hears that Naomi is dating a frat bro named David. When Oliver sees Naomi and David during a bar crawl, his jealousy and rage inadvertently reveals his vampirism to his friends. Naomi gradually realizes how much of a worthless rebound David is. Kelly tries to get up the nerve to ask Oliver out directly, just to get it out of her system.

Submitted: February 20, 2019

A A A | A A A

Submitted: February 20, 2019









“All the poets in the alley coughing up blood and their visions and their dreams are coming up red. They can either wake up or go deeper, but it's so dangerous to wake a deep sleeper”

  • Regina Spektor


(We start with Oliver chasing a rabbit through campus late at night, sprinting along in leaps and bounds as this rabbit desperately hops for its life. He sprints past trash cans, chases the rabbit around a large statue, goes through a parking lot and finally chases the rabbit into the street. Suddenly, a car’s high-beams appear behind Oliver and run into both him and the rabbit. Oliver bounces off the hood as the car grinds to a halt. Roy gets out of the car)


ROY: Dude, are you gonna pay for my bumper!?


(Oliver stands up and cracks his back)


OLIVER: Damnit, man, that really smarts.


ROY: If you weren’t a vamp, you might be dead.


OLIVER: I WILL be dead if I don’t get my dinner soon- oh shit, there it is! (Oliver kneels down and finds the rabbit mortally wounded and clearly in pain) Oh no, it’s suffering. I got a solution to that.


(Oliver breaks the rabbit’s neck and starts drinking its blood. Roy recoils and partially covers his eyes)


ROY: Dude!


(Oliver looks up at Roy)


OLIVER: Hey, don’t judge me, okay? Like you’ve never chased a rabbit, broken its neck and drank its blood!


ROY: I haven’t!

OLIVER: Okay, but don’t act like eating burgers is any less immoral! Cows fucking rule! I should know, I’ve drank a few. Too bad AOC wants to ban them!


ROY: Where the hell have you drank cows?!


OLIVER: A few miles outside Evanston. It’s nice too, you get to wash it down with milk if you want.


ROY: Ew!

OLIVER: Plus, the farmers blame it on Chupacabras so they never suspect you.


(Oliver vamps out and continues to feast on the dead rabbit. Cut to Roy pouring himself a glass of orange juice on the kitchen while Oliver sits on the couch, scrolling through Facebook. Roy walks in)


ROY: So, it’s your first Valentine’s Day alone since, when?


OLIVER: 2016, I think.


ROY: Well. What’d you spend the day doing?


(Roy sits down next to Oliver)


OLIVER: Jerking off while hanging upside down.


ROY: Oh my God.


OLIVER: It makes it feel a lot better…


ROY: Thanks, for that. At least you can rest knowing that Naomi’s alone today, too.


(Oliver gasps)




(Oliver turns the laptop towards Roy- Naomi has changed her status to “In a Relationship with David Mosley” accompanied by a picture of Naomi and David side-hugging each other. David is flexing his arm as well)


ROY: Oh, fuck.


OLIVER: WHAT THE HELL!? It took her FOUR WEEKS to move on?! And with HIM!? And isn’t he dating Tonya!?


ROY: He told me at that party that they had an open-relationship.


OLIVER: Yeah, well, I don’t think Facebook allows for multiple relationship statuses! FUCK!


(Oliver gets up and punches a hole in the wall. Roy jumps up)




(Oliver turns back to Roy)




ROY: That’s another thing you have to pay for! I need to keep track of this shit!


OLIVER: I got mad! Okay, I took it out on the wall, be lucky I didn’t take it out on… (Roy glares at Oliver) the window.


ROY: Yeah, don’t play that card with me, motherfucker, I’m still pissed at you about Melissa.


OLIVER: I said I was sorry about that! Can’t I be mad!? Some douchey frat boy is dating my ex!


ROY: He’s a rebound through and through, dude! Naomi’s not the type to let herself get pushed around! Remember that time she pushed you into a ditch for calling her a “diva”?


OLIVER: Rebound- she’s not supposed to have a rebound, she broke up with ME!


ROY: Break-ups aren’t easy for the initiator either, dude. I’m sure it wasn’t easy.


OLIVER: Why are you on her side!?


ROY: Because I’m afraid you might do something stupid, like when you tried to kill Charlie.


OLIVER: Your instincts are good there, Roy, I have to say!


ROY: Don’t do anything dumb.


OLIVER: You know how much of a cheater David is, they could’ve been fucking while we were still dating!

ROY: I don’t think Naomi would do that.


OLIVER: What the fuck do you know about it?!


(Roy sighs and sits down)


ROY: …Do you want to go get a drink?




(Olive grabs his jacket and Roy gets up. Cut to Roy and Oliver walking down Davis Street)


ROY: So, you invited Sheffield and Roland?


OLIVER: Yeah, they’ve been dogging me for weeks to hang out with them, so, I had to give in.


ROY: It’s better than going to that empty pool where Sheffield shows his art films.


OLIVER: They don’t even heat that place, it’s like twelve degrees during the night!


(Roy and Oliver walk into Serendipitous Sally’s, a bar with numerous games to choose from- giant versions of Jenga, Connect Four and even chess. Roy and Oliver enter and greet Sheffield and Roland, who are sitting in a booth together)


SHEFFIELD: What’s up, dude?


(Sheffield gets up and does a bro-hug with Oliver)


ROLAND: Good to see you, Roy.


ROY: What’s up, man?


(Roy fist bumps Roland as Sheffield relinquishes Oliver)


SHEFFIELD: Where have you been, Oliver?


OLIVER: I’ve been around.


SHEFFIELD: You don’t come to class half the time, you never accept my Facebook invitations!


OLIVER: (Jewish grandmother voice) “Oh, Olly, you never call! I’m not gonna be around forever, you know!” (Normal voice) Yeah, dude, I know, you send me like twelve Facebook invites a day.


SHEFFIELD: I want you to be in an experimental film I’m shooting- (Oliver, Roy, Roland and Sheffield sit in the booth) It’s an art house film about Al Capone fishing a tumor out of his swimming pool. Are you in?


OLIVER: I mean-


SHEFFIELD: It’s very Bunuel-esque. Are you familiar?


OLIVER: Yes, thanks, just, what time of day are you filming?


(Naomi and David enter the bar. Oliver notices and his face goes vamp)



(Oliver covers his face as Sheffield and Roland recoil)


SHEFFIELD: Whoa, what the fuck!?


ROY: That’s just- he has a disorder-


ROLAND: His face morphed!


(Oliver uncovers his face, now normal, just as David and Naomi sit at the bar)


ROY: We should go-


(Roy puts his hand on Oliver’s shoulder)


OLIVER: NO! No, just one second!


(Oliver walks over to David and Naomi sitting at the bar)


ROY: Oliver!


(Oliver sits down and looks at both of them. Naomi and David turn to him)


DAVID: Whassa, dude?


NAOMI: Oliver, don’t do anything stupid.


OLIVER: I couldn’t possibly do anything stupider than what you’ve done.


DAVID: You have something to say, brah?


OLIVER: No. I just wanted to see how far Naomi has fallen.


(Roy comes over and pulls Oliver away. David notices in the mirror that Roy appears to be pulling on no one. He furrows his brow)


ROY: Come on, dude, let’s go.


(As Oliver leaves, he continues to stare at Naomi and David until him, Roy, Sheffield and Roland have left. David turns to Naomi)


DAVID: You want me to go kick his ass?


NAOMI: No, that’s dumb.


DAVID: He just embarrassed you in front of me, babe!

NAOMI: Are you embarrassed for me?!


DAVID: I’m just saying, he needs his face kicked in!


(David pounds his own palm)


NAOMI: You don’t need to defend my honor, David, I can stand up for myself.


DAVID: Well, why didn’t you?


NAOMI: Because Oliver doesn’t deserve a response when he’s like this.


DAVID: Suit yourself, Naomi. (To bartender) I’ll have a bottle of pure Everclear and she’ll have a Virgin Temple with a splash of Malibu.


NAOMI: I’ll have Maker’s Mark, thank you.


(Cut to David and Naomi pulling up to David’s Frat House. They park and get out, holding hands as they walk into the Alpha Phi Alpha fraternity house. Cut to inside the frat house. David and Naomi walk through a messy, chaotic frat house littered with beer cans and assorted trash. David and Naomi walk in on a freshman doing a keg stand in the middle of the living room as the assorted brothers cheer him on)


DAVID: We really defy frat stereotypes here, you know?


NAOMI: Are you sure about that?


DAVID: Yeah! That keg has beer in it!

NAOMI: Yeah, that seems pretty typical of frat life-


DAVID: Nah, for pledges its usually cat piss. But we abolished that practice last year.


NAOMI: Oh, my God!

(The freshman is let down from the keg stand as the frat bros cheer)


SOPHOMORE: But, hey, that was Bud Light, so it might as well be cat piss!


(David and the other frat bros laugh)


DAVID: Dude, I remember, you were in the hospital for a few weeks after you drank that cat piss last year-


SOPHOMORE: Yeah, thanks, I remember.


FRESHMAN: Do you want to do a stand, David?


DAVID: First of all, fish, don’t you dare fucking look at me or talk to me without being spoken to, secondly, sure.


NAOMI: David.


(David looks back at Naomi)


DAVID: What?


NAOMI: Can we just go upstairs?


(The crowd goes “ooooooh”)


DAVID: Yeah, babe, in a minute! Let’s go.


(David’s frat bros hold his legs as he does a keg stand. They chant “DAVE! DAVE! DAVE!” Naomi reluctantly looks on. They let him down and one of his frat bros comes in from outside wearing “BROS AFTER, BEFORE AND DURING HOES” tie-die shirt)


FRAT BRO: David! So awesome you’re here, want to watch a game of “Pin The Donkey on the Freshman”?


NAOMI: The hell is that?


DAVID: It’s where we put a freshman in a padded suit and drop him into an enclosure with a pissed off donkey, and it’ll only take twenty minutes!

NAOMI: David! I really just wanna go upstairs!

FRAT BRO: And FUUUUUUCK! No, but seriously, you wanna go?


DAVID: Twenty minutes! I swear!

(David follows the frat bro outside. Naomi sighs and walks upstairs)


FRESHMAN: Am I gonna have to do that?


FRAT BRO 2: Yeah, but don’t worry, the donkey is usually hornier than it is angry.


(Cut to Naomi walking into David’s room. There are Fight Club, Big Lebowski and Chicago Bears posters along the wall. Clothes are everywhere and condoms are just open on his desk. Naomi picks up one of the condoms, which has spilled from a “magnum XL big daddy” pack of condoms. Naomi sighs and throws it back on the desk. Naomi crashes on the bed and closes her eyes. Cut to a few hours later, the room is dark and David opens the door, speaking to someone off screen)


DAVID: Yeah, dude, just feed the rest of the brownies to the donkey. Alright, bro, goodnight.


(Naomi awakes as David crawls into bed and holds her)


NAOMI: What time is it?


DAVID: It’s 3am, and I’m totally down to bang now, if you want. Just need to take a shower and wash off all that freshman blood.


NAOMI: Oh my God, is he okay?!


DAVID: Yeah, he’s fine, he’s just being a bitch about it.


NAOMI: I’m too tired to have sex, but, wash yourself up anyway, alright? (David has fallen asleep and starts snoring) Oh, my God!


(Cut to Kelly in her dorm staring in her mirror. She takes a few deep breaths and adjusts her hair)


KELLY: Hey! No, too enthusiastic. (Beat) What’s up? I was just walking around and I noticed you here- no, too much explanation. Hi, I was wondering if I could inquire about- no, too formal. (Irish accent) Top o’ the mornin’ to ya, laddy? (Normal accent) No, why would I do that?! Can you please date me?! NO! Too desperate! And honest!


(Rachel and Quentin come in)


RACHEL: We heard some yelling from outside, Kells, was that you?


KELLY: Quentin, don’t you have your own dorm?


QUENTIN: Haven’t been there in weeks, but I assume it’s still there.


RACHEL: Practicing asking Oliver out in the mirror again, babe?


(Rachel and Quentin laugh)


KELLY: No, I was just…I have a speech for my speech class I need to practice.


QUENTIN: A speech about how horny you are?


(They laugh again as Kelly turns to them)


RACHEL: You’re gonna need to practice your O-face next, if things go well, sister.


QUENTIN: Ooh, let’s see it!

KELLY: Why would I need to practice it, wouldn’t it just naturally happen?


RACHEL: Not if you fake it! Which I always do. (Quentin looks at her) Except with you, babe.


QUENTIN: Who else are you fucking, though?


RACHEL: I had a life before you, dick-brain.


KELLY: Nice. (Kelly fist bumps with Rachel as Quentin gives off a scowl) So, do you have any advice at all on how to do this right?


RACHEL: Where and when are you gonna ask him out?


KELLY: Art building, I guess. Maybe between classes, so there’s no awkward conversation after.


RACHEL: That’s an awful idea.




RACHEL: What you need to do is- (Rachel removes her scarf and puts it around Quentin’s neck and pulls him toward her) PULL him toward you, as a power move, and whisper these simple words in his ear- (whispering) “feel free to pull out”.


QUENTIN: Oh shit, can you leave the room for a second, Kelly?


KELLY: Why would that work!?


(Rachel releases Quentin and pushes him back)


RACHEL: Boys just want to know that you don’t want kids.


KELLY: I think Oliver knows, also, why don’t you use a condom?


QUENTIN: Those shits are expensive.


RACHEL: We’re not trillionaires, Calvert!


KELLY: I’m poor!


QUENTIN: Could you actually give us some privacy, though?


(Kelly sighs and takes out a pack of cigarettes)


KELLY: You have fifteen minutes.


(Kelly walks toward the door as Quentin and Rachel jump on Rachel’s bed. Cut to Oliver, Roland, Sheffield and Roy sitting in Oliver and Roy’s living room. Sheffield and Roland are staring at Oliver. Roy is tapping nervously. Oliver puts his hand forward)


SHEFFIELD: …Do, do you want us to start?


OLIVER: You know cleft lip?


ROLAND: That can’t possibly have anything to do with what happened to your face just now.


(Oliver sighs)




ROY: What?


OLIVER: I didn’t want them to find out like this.


ROY: Then, you shouldn’t have gone vamp!




OLIVER: Wow, spoiler alert!



OLIVER: I’m a vampire now! Okay!!?


SHEFFIELD: A vampire?


ROY: It’s like a pale, dead person who feeds on human blood-



ROY: Oh my God, so sorry!


(Roy shakes his head)


ROLAND: But…vampires aren’t real.


SHEFFIELD: I don’t know, my sister says she saw one once, at this old hotel.


ROLAND: Really?


SHEFFIELD: Yeah, pretty spooky.


ROLAND: I mean, I guess it’s possible, but not likely…


OLIVER: Guys, one is sitting right here! The debate is over! You saw it!


ROLAND: Is she sure it wasn’t like, a weather balloon?


SHEFFIELD: No, she said it was a skinny, pale, well-hung vamp at the Drake Hotel.


OLIVER: How’d she know it was well-hung?


SHEFFIELD: She was really into Vampire Diaries at the time, so, one thing lead to another…


OLIVER: She’s lucky she’s alive!


SHEFFIELD: So, your kind kill people?


ROY: No- he doesn’t.




ROY: I’m keeping him in check.


(Oliver gives a start)


OLIVER: Well, you know, I do okay for myself, too.


ROY: This dude would be feasting on the kid that lives next door if it wasn’t for me, swear on my mama!


OLIVER: That’s not true!


SHEFFIELD: How were you turned?


OLIVER: Charlie.


SHEFFIELD: He’s a vamp too!? (Oliver nods) …Holy shit. This is so cool.


OLIVER: …Pardon me?


SHEFFIELD: You know how much vampires have contributed to cinema over the past century?! Nosferatu, both the Murnau and Herzog versions, Interview with The Vampire, the movie “Thirst” by Park Chan-Wook-


ROLAND: So obscure.


SHEFFIELD: You’re gonna look SO cool in my short film!


OLIVER: I can’t go vamp on film! I mean, nobody will watch your movie anyway, but still, just in case!

SHEFFIELD: First off, fuck you. Secondly, people will think you’re wearing professional make-up, dude! It’ll be amazing. (Sheffield chuckles) I’m gonna win the Chicago Short, Black-and-White Surreal Film Under Four Minutes Festival this year, I can feel it.


ROY: Hold up, you guys are just fine with this?


ROLAND: I don’t know, I mean, it does explain how flaky you’ve been lately.


SHEFFIELD: How you never come to class.


ROLAND: How you’re cold to the touch and never let people in your car.


OLIVER: Still gotta clean out those bunny cadavers.


ROLAND: At least we know what’s going on now! To be honest with you, dude, I’m okay with it.


(Sheffield scoots his seat closer)


SHEFFIELD: We support you.


(Roland scoots closer)


ROLAND: No matter how many cheerleaders you feast off in the night.


OLIVER: Dude, I don’t do that!

ROLAND: Right, sorry.


ROY: He’s vegetarian, just like the vamps in Twilight.


OLIVER: Yeah, because vegetarians of course, drink animal blood.


SHEFFIELD: I know you’re joking, but you should consider going vegetarian, it’s good for your health. (Sheffield takes out a cigarette and places it in his mouth) Mind if I smoke?


ROY: Whatever.


(Sheffield lights his cigarette)


OLIVER: I can’t survive without animal blood, you know that, right?


SHEFFIELD: The Earth can’t survive with it, you know that, RIGHT?


OLIVER: Oh my God, shut up.


ROY: Since we’re back here, though, who wants a beer?


SHEFFIELD: Hold on. When can you do the short film? Does tomorrow morning work?


OLIVER: No, dude, it’s outdoors!


SHEFFIELD: Oh fuck, you’re right. I only have the equipment tonight and tomorrow morning. So.


ROY: Oh no. What are you saying?


(Sheffield throws his hands up. Cut to Oliver sitting in a bathrobe, in front of a pool, holding a fishing pole with a line that disappears into the water. He has his vamp face on. Two LED light stands are off to the sides being defused by two white cards to put a soft light on Oliver. Sheffield is looking at the shot with Roland as Roy stands off to the side)


SHEFFIELD: Okay, the shot looks good. Are you ready?


OLIVER: Yeah, I guess, just one question, though, how is the viewer supposed to know that I’m Al Capone?


SHEFFIELD: Oh, I almost forgot!

(Sheffield takes a cigar out of his pocket and throws it to Oliver)


OLIVER: Still, though, I’m not short and fat like he was.


SHEFFIELD: Well. That’s your fault for not gaining weight for the part.


ROY: Or getting shorter.


OLIVER: I didn’t know about this until today!


SHEFFIELD: You think Christian Bale gets advanced notice?



SHEFFIELD: Just, fish, okay?


OLIVER: Alright. (Beat) What should my expression be?


ROY: Evil and demonic- oh wait, already got that going.


SHEFFIELD: Just look angry. (Oliver grimaces) Angrier! (Oliver grimaces more) ANGRIER! Like you’re watching David fuck Naomi!


(Oliver stands up, growls and breaks the fishing pole over his knee)





ROLAND: That was incredible.


ROY: Don’t you need more? For the film?


SHEFFIELD: No, I’m sure the submission deadline for the Ten-Seconds-or-Less festival hasn’t passed.


OLIVER: You know what we need to do?


SHEFFIELD: Yes, my muse, lay it on me!

ROY: You need to calm your ass down.


OLIVER: We need to vandalize a frat house.


ROY: Hold up, a frat house or David’s frat house?


OLIVER: Well, technically, David’s frat house is A frat house, so-


ROY: So, David’s frat house.


OLIVER: Yeah, exactly.


ROY: Is there anything I can do to stop you from doing this?


OLIVER: No, but you don’t have to come if you don’t want.


ROY: I mean, shit, I might as well come, I want to see this.


OLIVER: Sheffield, you have spray paint cans?


SHEFFIELD: Of course, I do street art all the time. What kind of political statement are we making here, though?


OLIVER: Oh, you’ll see.


SHEFFIELD: Can we do it tomorrow night, though?


OLIVER: Why? By that time, I’ll have had time to think about this more!


ROY: Is it because of the national emergency Trump declared? Only thing more dangerous than vamps is Latinos after all, and they roam at night.

SHEFFIELD: No, I want to go to Davis Street again and see if there’s still desperate single girls on Valentine’s.


(Oliver and Roy look at one another and nod)




(Cut to David sitting in the Alpha Phi Alpha nook with his fellow frat brothers, chowing down on eggs, bacon, steak and waffles. A freshman sits to his right with a bandage over his nose)


FRAT BRO: David, who do you main on Smash?


DAVID: Usually Donkey Kong. (The freshman flinches and David turns to him) Oh shit, did you see that!? He flinched when I said “Donkey”! (David grabs the freshman and gives him a noogie as the frat brothers laugh) Chill, little dude!


FRESHMAN: Where is that wretched beast?


FRAT BRO: Your digestive tract.


(The Freshman dry heaves and runs off)


DAVID: Oh my God! What a pussy, not sure he’s worthy.


(Naomi walks over and sits next to David)


NAOMI: Morning, dude-bros.


DAVID: Morning, Naomi.


(David kisses her)


FRAT BRO: Too drunk to stay up last night?


NAOMI: Yeah, I was way ahead of you pussies. Drank a fifth of vodka hours before I came here last night.


(The frat bros laugh as the freshman returns)


FRESHMAN: I saw the donkey outside, assholes.


(The Freshman sits down at the table)


DAVID: That’s just the donkey for tonight.


FRAT BRO: A lot of our initiations are donkey-related.


NAOMI: It’s the closest thing you have to a house mother.


DAVID: Actually, our House Mother died of pleasure while spanking a pledge with a tennis racket, so we have to find a new one.


FRAT BRO: Why not you, Naomi?


(The frat bros bang the table and cheer)


NAOMI: Thanks, but no thanks. Half of you have flirted with me and I’d rather not fulfill your weird Oedipus complexes.


(The frat bros go “oooooh” and one of them makes a cat noise)


DAVID: Yeah, no flirting with her, alright guys? Though I get it, for sure. (Naomi rolls his eyes as the frat bros laugh) You guys should’ve seen her jealous ex last night.


FRAT BRO 2: What happened?


NAOMI: We don’t have to-


DAVID: He stumbled over to us and this dumbass tried to embarrass my girl in front of me!


NAOMI: He’s just, working through some things.


DAVID: I wish I could’ve kicked his ass, but she didn’t let me.


NAOMI: What would that have accomplished?


DAVID: Showing him that he’s an ugly, limp-dick pussy!


(Naomi stands up)


NAOMI: Okay, you know what?! At least he was more interested in sex than incessant bro-bonding or torturing a freshman with a fucking donkey!


(The frat bros go “oooooooh”)


DAVID: What are you- I took care of you when I went back up there-


NAOMI: No, you were covered in the freshman’s blood and you fell asleep next to me without showering.


(The frat bros laugh and applaud)


DAVID: Shut it, guys! (To Naomi) Are you still into him?


NAOMI: Don’t you dare turn this around, you’re just being a dick. Thanks for the donkey bacon.


(Naomi storms off and runs upstairs. David angrily storms off in the other direction)


FRESHMAN: …So, I did eat donkey, huh?


FRAT BRO: Yeah. We have a lot of donkeys.




FRAT BRO: The House Mother left them to us in her will.


(Cut to Naomi chilling in David’s room, angrily scrolling through her phone. David walks in)




NAOMI: What.


DAVID: I’m sorry, babe. (David jumps on the bed) Can we skip to make-up sex, now?


NAOMI: How many relationships have you been in?


DAVID: Like, in total, or all at once?


(Naomi sighs)


NAOMI: I’m gonna take a shower. (Naomi walks into the bathroom, but stops at the door. She turns to David) I broke up with Oliver. I’m over him. But he was still a huge part of my life and I did love him. All I ask is that you respect that.


(Naomi closes the door behind her and starts the shower up. David grimaces and looks at his laptop on the desk. He sits at the laptop and types in “saw man with no reflection”. He starts scrolling through results and the camera dollies in on David as his jaw drops. Cut to Kelly walking through campus with her backpack over her shoulder. She approaches the art building, enters and looks around for Oliver, but there’s no one. She exits the building and her eyes dart around again, but she sees no one. She does lock eyes with Sheffield, who’s taking a smoke break outside)


SHEFFIELD: …You looking for someone?


(Kelly walks over)


KELLY: No. No, I’m just… (Kelly takes out a cigarette) could I get a light? (Sheffield lights her cigarette and she blows the smoke out) Thanks.


SHEFFIELD: You know, you would be perfect for my new-


KELLY: Thanks again.


(Kelly walks away, leaving Sheffield dumbfounded. Cut to Kelly walking through campus. She finds a stand with a sign reading “PALM READER” attached. A colorfully dressed, heavyset white girl is seated behind it with a dress covered in gems and a heavy gem necklace)


PALM READER: Looking for some guidance?


KELLY: Yes, please.


(Kelly smacks down a crumpled five-dollar bill. The palm reader nods and pockets the money)


PALM READER: Give me your right hand. (Kelly gives the palm reader her right hand and she examines it) Hm. Your life line is short. (Kelly nods and puts out her cigarette on the ground) Your love line is long, but filled with interruptions. It doesn’t seem like you’ll get what you want from it.


KELLY: So, what? A series of failed relationships?


PALM READER: Or one long, terrible relationship. It’s unclear.


KELLY: Sounds, bad.


PALM READER: Either way, yeah. Your success line looks good, but your love line provides plenty of interruptions. Also, it looks like you’ll be unhappy in the career you choose.


KELLY: This is a pretty bleak reading.


PALM READER: One of the worst I’ve seen, yeah.  But let me see your left hand. (Kelly gives the reader her left hand) Okay. This is what’ll happen if you get off the path you’re on. Your love line is long, your success line is long-


KELLY: Great! What do I have to do?


PALM READER: Let me finish, your life line is still short.


KELLY: I want to die before 55 anyway, it’s fine. How do I get off my current path?


PALM READER: …Is there someone you love?


KELLY: …Not love, I have a thing for this guy-


PALM READER: Come by my coven tonight, we can talk about it.


KELLY: Coven?


PALM READER: Apartment I said!

KELLY: No, you didn’t, but, fine, I’m down. Where is it?


PALM READER: The complex on Ridge Avenue. Bring a box of the most useless shit in your kitchen cabinet at 7pm. I want to try something.


KELLY: …Okay.


PALM READER: Apartment 17A.


(Kelly smiles)


KELLY: Can I have my hand back now?




(The palm reader relinquishes her hand. Cut to Oliver, Sheffield, Roy and Roland poking their head out of a bush near the Alpha Phi Alpha frat house)


ROY: Is that it?


OLIVER: That’s the place.


(Roland starts scratching his arm)


ROLAND: Agh! This bush is making me itchy!


SHEFFIELD: Yeah, why the fuck are we in this?


OLIVER: Just give me the spray paint can!


(Sheffield hands Oliver the spray paint can)


SHEFFIELD: Make me proud, normy.


(Oliver runs out of the bush and chucks the spray paint can through a window)





(Oliver turns to Roy, Sheffield and Roland)


OLIVER: How’s THAT for a statement!?




OLIVER: I’m a fuckin’ yellow vest and YOU KNOW IT!


(The light comes on in the window)


ROY: Bro, we gotta run!


(David and Naomi walk over to the window)




SHEFFIELD: It’s too late.



ROY: That’s not tagging, dude!


(Sheffield mouths “sorry” to Naomi and David)


NAOMI: Oliver, just leave before this gets any worse.


OLIVER: Oh, it’s about to get A LOT worse!

DAVID: You better hope not, there’s a rabid donkey roaming the grounds!

NAOMI: It’s rabid now?


DAVID: That’s part of phase 2.


OLIVER: SHUT UP! Okay? I have something to say to YOU, Naomi. (Oliver gets on his knees) Please take me back. I’m begging you.


NAOMI: Oh no.


OLIVER: I love you! I love you more than anyone, and I’m sorry for being a dick last month. But I need you.


NAOMI: Jesus Christ, Oliver.


ROY: Bro, have some self-respect.


OLIVER: I don’t, anymore!


NAOMI: You used to have nothing but self-respect!



NAOMI: Oliver, why? It can’t just be me.


OLIVER: You wouldn’t understand.


NAOMI: Oliver, just go. You sound drunk.


OLIVER: I am VERY drunk, thanks for asking!

NAOMI: I didn’t ask.


DAVID: Dude, just be thankful I’m not snap-chatting this.


OLIVER: Fuck off, you Neanderthal.


DAVID: Hey dude, you know what!? You’re just mad that you’ll never get pussy this good ever again!

NAOMI: Whoa! Fuck you, David!


(Naomi storms off)


OLIVER: That’s right, come back to me, Naomi!

NAOMI: (OS) Fuck off, Oliver!



OLIVER: I’m gonna kick your ass, Mosley!


(Oliver races toward the front entrance to the frat house)


SHEFFIELD: Should we do something?


ROY: We should watch, that’s doing something.


(Roy, Sheffield and Roland run over to some bushes closer to the frat house entrance. Oliver walks up the stairs and Naomi passes him. Oliver turns around)




(Oliver turns to the open entrance to the frat house. He runs towards the threshold but an invisible forcefield blocks him, knocking him back a bit)


OLIVER: FUCK! (Oliver leans against the forcefield) Can someone invite me in, please!!?


(David walks down the stairs)


DAVID: Come in, Oliver.


(The forcefield drops and Oliver falls on his face, causing David to crack up. Oliver gets up)


OLIVER: How did you-?


DAVID: I read a book, dude. Online. About vampires.




DAVID: And people say I don’t read!


OLIVER: Wait! Why would you think something like this?


DAVID: At the bar, I noticed you have no reflection, genius. I went online, found an article about vampires on some weird website, and I figured it out.


OLIVER: So it wasn’t a book.


DAVID: Any group of words is a book, dumbass.




DAVID: You want me to tell Naomi about your little secret?




DAVID: Do you want the whole town to know? (Oliver sheepishly shakes his head) Then stay the fuck away from her. And me. Got it?

OLIVER: …Yeah…


DAVID: Good. Now, leave.


(Oliver turns and walks out the door, and David closes the door behind him. Cut to Oliver walking toward Sheffield, Roland and Roy)


ROY: Did you kick his ass? Not that I encourage that, but did you?


OLIVER: He knows.


SHEFFIELD: He knows? Knows what?


ROY: Oh, shit.


SHEFFIELD: Oh, he knows that!?


ROLAND: But how?


OLIVER: The mirror at Serendipitous Sarah’s.


ROY: Aw, shit. (Beat) Is he gonna tell people?


OLIVER: He will if I go near him or Naomi.


(Roy walks toward Oliver and puts his hand on his shoulder)


ROY: Maybe, in the long run, dude, that’s not such a bad thing.


OLIVER: You know what…maybe you’re right.


(Smash cut to Oliver knocking his head against the wall of his living room over and over again in rapid succession as Roland, Sheffield and Roy)


SHEFFIELD: He’ll be okay.


(Cut to Kelly knocking on the palm reader’s apartment door, 17A. The Palm Reader answers the door, wearing a hood)


KELLY: Holy shit.


(She removes the hood)


PALM READER: Hey! Come in!


KELLY: Why were you-?


PALM READER: It’s a hoodie, it gets cold in my apartment.


KELLY: It looks like a straight-up hood-


PALM READER: Come in! (Kelly walks in to see an apartment full of candles, herbs and shrines) Do you want something?


KELLY: An explanation would be nice?


PALM READER: What do you mean?


KELLY: What’s your name?


PALM READER: I was born Kate Whitman, but my name is currently Safronus the Wise.


KELLY: See, that’s what I need an explanation for-


SAFRONUS: Don’t worry, all I want is to change your path.


KELLY: …And how do I do that?


SAFRONUS: Did you bring the stuff from your cabinet?


(Kelly takes off her backpack, opens it and pulls out a container of sprinkles and a can of peaches)


KELLY: All I had was sprinkles and peaches.


SAFRONUS: …That’ll do.


(Safronus takes the sprinkles and peaches)


KELLY: For what?


SAFRONUS: Do you have a picture of your coveted one on your phone?




(Safronus points to a circle of candles on the ground with a blank space in the middle)


SAFRONUS: We’re going to cast a spell to make him ask you out.


(Kelly stares at the circle)


KELLY: Like…witchcraft?


SAFRONUS: That’s right, girl.


KELLY: …But this is stupid, this never works.


SAFRONUS: If it’s stupid and if it doesn’t work, then what’s the harm in trying?


KELLY: Isn’t this colluding with some pretty dark forces?


SAFRONUS: They’re doing us a favor. We aren’t beholden to them.


(Kelly stares at it)


KELLY: …I can’t have him like this. I’m sorry.


(Kelly turns around and leaves through the front door. Safronus throws her hands up)


SAFRONUS: I knew the hood was too much.


(Safronus takes off the hood and throws it aside- revealing the back has the logo for the Hogwarts School of Magic and Wizardry. Cut to Sheffield in the computer room at Northwestern’s Film building. He’s editing the film while Roy, Roland and Oliver sit behind him, watching)


ROY: …You don’t need her anyway, man.


OLIVER: I know.


SHEFFIELD: She might be good for my next project, though, considering she’s a blonde and I’m looking to do a Hitchcock-type thing.


OLIVER: Fuck you.


(Sheffield nods)




(Cut to black)



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