Amata Vanda

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic
Miss Vanda, wanting to be happy and fulfilled, she sets on a self-discovery mission.

Submitted: March 03, 2019

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Submitted: March 03, 2019

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Oh Hi There

 

I'm Amata Vanda and welcome to my life. Let me rewind back 7 years earlier when I was at the age of 17 and working as a young secretary and as a secretary, my duties were to answer phone calls, maintaining files and scheduling appointments. My favorite part of my job was being able to work effectively with and meeting many different individuals. I learned from every single person that I met and over time I developed a strong relationship and an ability to communicate with the people I worked with. But I sure wasn't prepared for the transition I was about to face in my life. Everything was just so new, new friends and a new city. (After My family and I moved from the east-side of Riverlake to Kortcity and although it was extremely tough at first, time flew by really fast and I learned to adjust to the new changes. The people we met here are super amazing and have helped my family and me tremendously. And after five months of living in our community, I developed a love for fashion because my mother was a designer, and hosted lots of fashion shows for children and young adults. But sadly, my mother died of natural causes. I was so devastated by the grief of mama’s death such an unbearably intense feeling. But after my mom's funeral, I moved in with my aunt Bee and her husband Zen to cope with the loss of my mother's death. My family and I were very close, and I always tried to keep that perfect balance between my job and my loved ones.

 

 24 years later:  Sexual orientation (Misunderstood)

 

Growing up I always felt true love for Christ Jesus, our savior. I learned about Christianity from my family who constantly talked about the Gospel of Christ and what the Bible teaches us. Their favorite topics and lectures were about the Ten Commandments and how sinful it was to be gay and that God was against homosexuality. I just sat there in total silence and listened.  But as time went on, I lost track of who I was and started questioning my sexuality. However, I never spoke about my feelings and I always just kept them hidden away from the viewer's eyes. Locked up all inside. Of course, I wish I could have shown those around how I really felt deep inside. I have always been all optimistic and helpful towards other people problems

Oh lord, I've kept this act for so long, I just don't know how much longer I can do this. Being raised in a Christian home, and growing up differently from the rest of the "regular kids" out there. I've never felt so close to anyone to tell them exactly what goes on in my mind/ life.

 

Some find it repulsive:

 

It was a beautiful summer day in August with the sky oh so blue, and as we sat on our balcony looking at the lonely road.  Aunt Bee who I drew closer to overtime began questioning me out of curiosity about my love life, and why I wasn't dating yet. She added '' Child, you are beautiful, smart, compassionate and with unique qualities and personality.

 

We attended church almost every Sundays, it was made clear to me that homosexuality was a sin, and with the ups and downs and confusion in my life

I freaked out a little and didn't know what to say to Aunt Bee

I then slowly looked at her and said:

 

"Dear heavenly father, you know everything about me, you have heard my prayers and plead for help, and you have also seen my tears and scars I’m in a dark place

Oh gosh, I'm feeling insane

Life is so hard

It feels like I’m drowning...

Oh just how I have cried

Screaming out loud

I’m so lost

 I don’t know where to go anymore.

Yes, I know that love is a complicated thing, but I believe love is love, regardless of gender. Jesus loves us all equally, no matter how big our sin is''

 

 

We didn't speak of this matter, in fact, aunt Bee tried avoiding me.  (Without questioning my statement) I respected and understood that it was an uncomfortable moment and topic for her. She needed some quality time to herself before she could respond. It wasn't really about her embracing and respecting what she THOUGHT AND BELIEVED was my decision. But no matter who comes out of the closet and us as Christians protesting '' being gay is a gateway to hell'' isn't going to change someone else's decision to live a lifestyle that they have already chosen for themselves. When someone announces that they are ''GAY'' our mind immediately think about grabbing our bible and profoundly preaching the word of God. Preaching our beliefs and what we have been taught. I know it's difficult and scary accepting someone so different from who we are but at one point in our lives, we struggled to accept our own body mind and soul. I mean, why judge someone else's life choice when we are all sinners. Why don't we learn to love, accept and embrace one another because God loves us all and all he expects of us is to be loving and seek him in every area of our lives

 

 

New beginning:  After this experience destroyed me and aunt Bee relationship, my friends and I decided to set out on a journey that later turned into a one-woman thing I was discouraged at first but all I wanted was to find my own path in life.  I wanted to be free as a butterfly

Spreading my wings whenever, whenever

Oh, as brave as the men fighting for my country

 I wanted to be as colorful as the rainbow

So beautiful

Yes, I wanted to be free like birdies

Flying over countries

And as caring as a mother

Protecting her baby.

 

My missions were equality for all and I just wanted to encourage and inspire young women and men in our community to be themselves and be their best. The only way I could achieve my goals was to be an example and a good communicator no matter the circumstances.  Although I struggled over time to get my idea out in our community because it was looked at as a taboo I then decided to pack up my suitcase, I was going away to spend the summer in a neighboring county. And there I met Jeremiah Rockson.  He was tall and had thick black hair, oh, He smiled at me and I could see that he was used to smiling at people. His eyes were brown. But his smile was the most interesting thing about him. Our first meeting was in a music store and because He was a very clever man, with great love for music. We met again and again and we became very friendly.  He later told me he was thirty-five but thought I wouldn't get close to him if I knew. I guess he was right I never dated before and he was the first guy who showed interest in me and he really liked me which made me fall for him easily. We shared the same values and religion was very much important to him as it was for me. I started to wonder '' Is he the one?''  Is this the man I want to spend the rest of my life with? He helped me made difficult decisions and figuring things out. He was such a sweet and kind-hearted person. Jeremiah and I went into town and had dinner together. I was enjoying my new life, and so was Jeremiah. We talked freely. ''Suddenly he asked '' what's your true reason for coming toI told him I was planning to write a book about runaways and starting my own nonprofit organization for gay teenagers. Thousands of boys and girls of all ages run away from their homes because they get disowned by their families for being gay and I just want equality for all and for other people to be treated fairly. Let people have the right to be there for each other and be open, honest and safe in our community.  Yes, I am Christian but my religion is kindness, my religion is humanity and love is my religion.  My religion is not to judge, discriminate and hate. Jeremiah was silent for a moment. Then finally, he replied ' I will fight with you'' I want to fight for the people who cannot fight for themselves, I want to fight for you and me so that we can all live in a better world.  After six months Jeremiah and I became exclusive immediately. This good-looking man insisted that we be a pair. We used half of our savings and did a down payment on two bedrooms and two bathrooms apartment and went on to furnish and make it as comfortable as we could.  I of course never lived with a significant other before but I guess it was our way of announcing to the world that we were official. Oh, we looked so in love and happy together. He made me smile, he made me feel so special. He was like a genie in a bottle. He was just a true gentleman. He had a very good personality and reputation. And to me, he was the perfect man in the whole wide world. I went as far as telling him how phenomenal I felt whenever he held my hand. I didn't mean to exaggerate whatsoever, but what we had was just so magical. Then one beautiful afternoon Jeremiah and I decided to go for a walk it was part of our daily routine because it helped us stay healthy and motivated. We took a different direction that day, and I honestly cannot say why, but Jeremiah then turned to me breathing nervously and yet He seemed so comfortable almost as if he had been waiting for this moment to come. This is going to be the theme song to our life and wedding in the near future. *My facial expression changed* I couldn't tell what was about to happen

Jeremiah then started to quote a song that He had written

 

'' Life is hard ( Lifer is hard) and we know it

But we got to be strong

Oh baby

Don’t you give up

 

So please stay here with me

‘Cause I need someone to

Be my strength

When I'm feeling weak

'cause you see

At times I lose my mind

And I just need someone to hold me tight

Someone to touch my heart

And take my breath away.

 

Cause life is hard and we know it

But we got to be strong

Oh baby

Don’t you give up

Please stay with me

Please stay with me

Cause you are

 All I really need

When times get hard

 Life is hard (Life is hard) and we know it

But we got to be strong

Oh baby

Don’t you give up on me''

 

I was overwhelmed with emotion and I tried to open my mouth to talk but the words died on my lips. I never thought marriage and growing old with someone could ever happen to me. Jeremiah proposed to me and I looked into his beautiful brown eyes and happily said yes! Jeremiah then gave me two different roses. The red rose representing the blood our hearts pound

And blue for the sky is the limit for us.

 

 

 Newly engaged couple:

After few weeks Jeremiah and I then hosted our engagement party by bringing people together and celebrating our love for each other. His family smiled, made a toast and then welcomed me to the family. I, of course, was in shock because I had previously written in my diary book '' Dear diary, am I going insane for thinking that this man family doesn't like me?  That they think I'm marrying him for citizenship? And few of his friends have even asked him what my intention is for wanting to marry him. I have talked with these people before, but it did not really feel like I was talking to them, does that make senses?  Oh, dear Diary, They weren't really interested in talking to me’’ I know I came to this country as a tourist on a journey to become a storyteller. But I sure wasn't looking for love, no expectations at all until I met Jeremiah and although I noticed some changes in his behavior I had two choices I was contemplating to either stay or walk away from what we had already built together but I knew he was somehow being brainwashed and voiced over by his family.

I arranged a meeting with Jeremiah on a Wednesday at 2 pm for us to discuss the difficulties we were both facing and I shortly and honestly told him:

 

''They don't know what we have been through

Don't let them confuse you

Even though they know you

I know your weaknesses

I know that you get lonely

And when you get so scared

You fear the worst

But I will be right here with you

Walking hand in hand with you

Don't let them confuse you

'Cause I will be right here with you

In your darkest moments

On your sick bed

I will be right here with you

So, don't let them confuse you''

 

Jeremiah was silent for a minute and then emotionally said

'' I have had multiple partners, but I have never been loved the way that you love me, Amata. I secretly question your intention at times not because I think you are a bad person, but when a man finds a woman that loves him deeply his whole world becomes a dream. I want to build a life and a family with you. I want to go on dates and adventures with you, Amata. I deeply love you.''  I happily said: God knows I love you, Jeremiah. I truly cannot express the love I have for you; you have made me the happiest girl in the world. But my suggestion, Jeremiah. And please don't get me wrong, I want us to postpone our wedding because we both need time to find ourselves. I want us to walk down the aisle with our hearts and not our mind and give ourselves to each other before our God. I want to be speechless and emotional when I stand with the man I love so much. Having quality time alone is to reevaluate our relationship and for our own well-being, learning more about ourselves and our desires.  Jeremiah replied: Needing a break from a relationship always leads to a breakup. I promised him that it wasn’t my intention to break off the wedding, but I needed a holiday with my inner self and that I was planning to go back to Kortcity( It's all about staying true to who I was) I felt something was calling me home, I didn't know why, and my ability to think straight was impossible, but I had a strong feeling of traveling to Kortcity early Thursday morning. I later told Jeremiah that I have been considering seeking a * paused* psychologist for emotional difficulties… He looked at me with tears in his eyes and just hugged me tightly and kissed me on the cheek.

 

Early Thursday morning as planned I got ready at 10 am kissed Jeremiah and headed towards Ruvita airport and while the flight began to departure I started to think about mother and when I looked at my calendar and time I started to understand why I was traveling back to Kortcity today marks the anniversary of my mother’s death. I tried so hard to push away the grief and all the extreme emotional pain I was feeling.  I was hurting and couldn’t stop my tears. I never knew my life could change this much. When I arrived I first stopped at the cemetery where mama was buried. Dear mama, I said:  It has been a long year since we last saw each other, oh how I miss you. Mama. I think of you in silence when I often lie wide awake at night when everyone is fast asleep. Remembering how beautiful and bright you truly was like a summer rose. Losing a mother is a pain that cannot be erased, but you will forever be in my heart.  * Hugs and Kisses*

 

 

To be continued

 

March 3rd, 2019

 

Stacy-Ann

 

 

 


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