Scars Numbing Cream

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Young Adult  |  House: Booksie Classic

I am writing this at a very critical point in my life. A point where I should be more reactive towards my circumstances, but I am numb.

Pre-face

Seeing that this is my first ''published'' work, I am not one for introductions, I am just someone who knows exactly what it is to feel alone whilst being surrounded by a supportive sea of people, and if you for some reason decide to read this, maybe you will get to know me and my circumstances eventually. I am doing this to be a voice for even one person who might have similar emotions. 

 

Scars Numbing Cream

  I recently moved to a new city. The technicalities are redundent, but it is safe to say it was not a smooth move. Not as I would have hoped it to be. New begninings are never easy, and I certainly did not expect ease, but I also did not expect the revelations I had. I wanted a new beginning, a new start, a numbing cream to my scars. My revelations however did not only numb my scars, but my entire being. I made that decision knowing that beginning had an expiration date. How? I have to leave in a year. At a state of desperation buying time is all you want for an inevitable end, or so I thought. With the expiration date haunting me, I became numb to everything. What can you do when you are someone who can lose everything, but have nothing to lose? You start thinking of your priorities, your passions in life, what makes you happy.

My first revelation was that I am not seeking happiness. I am seeking satisfaction. You know that feeling you get on a summer night, wrapped in a blanket in open air with your closest friends laughing? Neither of your lives are on the path you want, but that is because we thought we had an idea of what we wanted; I only found out that we are all clueless at an early 20s age. Granted leaving home at the age of 17 to go to university is a huge step when your a naive spoonfed teenage. You grow, you change, and you learn things the hard way. Taking the pain of every knife that cuts into you, and of course some scars are deeper than others.. some even paralyzing. You think after 4 years that you learned, you rolled in life's mud and tried coming out clean, truth is a puddle of boiling oil is waiting for you when you step into what the older generation calls ''the real world''. 

I do not want to be happy.

I have a hungry soul that needs satisfaction not happiness. At a young age I can no longer tolerate small talks, I want to know about your pain and how are you healing. I want to know about your passions and what gets your body hair electrified. I want to know your amibitions and how are you trying to overcome the lottery of life, your circumstances. I want to know what makes your heart tear and how can I embrace it. I want to explore that lonely void in your heart. Connection. I want a connection not a company. Connections require courage. Courage to open up wounds that you no longer wish to bring up. Easier said than done, no? Yes. 

I want to live in life's deeper end. They say the currents there could be deadly. I would love to one day say that I would rather be alone, and even die if it means I lived with satisafaction, but I won't. I cannot. Fear? Logic? Overthinking? I have no answers to why have I not made that decision, but that leads me to my second revelation. Everyone is lonely. In this day and age it is no strange fact that tecnology is decreasing the amount of communities existing and is merely increasing cities and their sizes. I have never stopped to fully observe others, or maybe I was in a better place that it was never important for me to notice. Having moved to a new city seeking new connections, I met a few people. I am someone who will try and scratch your superficial answers to my personal questions. So far it seemed that people did not mind. If anything I was surprised that so many jumped to the opportunity. Having someone who is seemingly a stranger hear your story is a hug to a lonely soul. One that aches every night for a seemingly unknown reason. 

Which brings me to my third and final revelation.You dream alone. Dreams are hopeful and passionate. But the reality is we dream alone. We can always share dreams, but that dream was constructed completely independently. I realised that you can only progress in life if you can embrace that lonely void inside you. To love it and understand its beauty, because only when you understand your darkest sides you can start lighting all those candles there, make it a home where you can retrieve and unwind.

 

Maybe I am having a bit of an existential crisis, but I am just someone trying to fit into the norms of this continuely adjusted constructed core system of all societies. Maybe it is a bit cliche, but I do not want to live, I want to feel alive. I just do not seem to find an instruction manual for that. 

 


Submitted: March 09, 2019

© Copyright 2021 Lola7951. All rights reserved.

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