Sinister Vampire

Reads: 81  | Likes: 0  | Shelves: 0  | Comments: 0

More Details
Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
This was made with thanks to

https://www.plot-generator.org.uk/?i=erbeqsd

Submitted: March 12, 2019

A A A | A A A

Submitted: March 12, 2019

A A A

A A A


A Screenplay by UIC LitZine

INT. A SWEET SHOP - AFTERNOON

Adorable homemaker MR HARRY ENGLAND is arguing with stable detective DI JOSH ZEUS. HARRY tries to hug JOSH but he shakes him off.

 

HARRY
Please Josh, don't leave me.

 

 

JOSH
I'm sorry Harry, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.

 

 

HARRY
I am such a person!

 

JOSH frowns.

 

JOSH
I'm sorry, Harry. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.

 

JOSH leaves.

HARRY sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, daring nurse MADAME WENNA TRESCOTHIK barges in looking flustered.

 

HARRY
Goodness, Wenna! Is everything okay?

 

 

WENNA
I'm afraid not.

 

 

HARRY
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...

 

 

WENNA
It's ... a vampire ... I saw an evil vampire badmouth a bunch of elderly gents!

 

 

HARRY
Defenseless elderly gents?

 

 

WENNA
Yes, defenseless elderly gents!

 

 

HARRY
Bloomin' heck, Wenna! We've got to do something.

 

 

WENNA
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.

 

 

HARRY
You can start by telling me where this happened.

 

 

WENNA
I was...

 

WENNA fans herself and begins to wheeze.

 

HARRY
Focus Wenna, focus! Where did it happen?

 

 

WENNA
National History Museum, London! That's right - National History Museum, London!

 

HARRY springs up and begins to run.

 

EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

HARRY rushes along the street, followed by WENNA. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.

 

INT. NATIONAL HISTORY MUSEUM, LONDON - SHORTLY AFTER

MICHELLE SPARROW a sinister vampire terrorises two elderly gents.

HARRY, closely followed by WENNA, rushes towards MICHELLE, but suddenly stops in his tracks.

 

WENNA
What is is? What's the matter?

 

 

HARRY
That's not just any old vampire, that's Michelle Sparrow!

 

 

WENNA
Who's Michelle Sparrow?

 

 

HARRY
Who's Michelle Sparrow? Who's Michelle Sparrow? Only the most sinister vampire in the universe!

 

 

WENNA
Blinkin' knickers, Harry! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most sinister vampire in the universe!

 

 

HARRY
You can say that again.

 

 

WENNA
Blinkin' knickers, Harry! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most sinister vampire in the universe!

 

 

HARRY
I'm going to need guns, lots of guns.

 

Michelle turns and sees Harry and Wenna. She grins an evil grin.

 

MICHELLE
Harry England, we meet again.

 

 

WENNA
You've met?

 

 

HARRY
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

 

 

EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

A young HARRY is sitting in a park listening to some jazz music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.

He looks up and sees MICHELLE. He takes off his headphones.

 

MICHELLE
Would you like some chocolate?

 

HARRY's eyes light up, but then he studies MICHELLE more closely, and looks uneasy.

 

HARRY
I don't know, you look kind of sinister.

 

 

MICHELLE
Me? No. I'm not sinister. I'm the least sinister vampire in the world.

 

 

HARRY
Wait, you're a vampire?

 

HARRY runs away, screaming.

 

INT. NATIONAL HISTORY MUSEUM, LONDON - PRESENT DAY

 

MICHELLE
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.

 

 

WENNA
(To HARRY) You ran away?

 

 

HARRY
(To WENNA) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?

 

HARRY turns to MICHELLE.

 

HARRY
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!

 

HARRY runs away.

He turns back and shouts.

 

HARRY
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with guns.

 

 

MICHELLE
I'm not scared of you.

 

 

HARRY
You should be.

 

 

EXT. A LIBRARY - LATER THAT DAY

HARRY and WENNA walk around searching for something.

 

HARRY
I feel sure I left my guns somewhere around here.

 

 

WENNA
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly guns.

 

 

HARRY
You know nothing Wenna Trescothik.

 

 

WENNA
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.

 

Suddenly, MICHELLE appears, holding a pair of guns.

 

MICHELLE
Looking for something?

 

 

WENNA
Crikey, Harry, she's got your guns.

 

 

HARRY
Tell me something I don't already know!

 

 

WENNA
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.

 

 

HARRY
I know that already!

 

 

WENNA
I still wear nappies.

 

 

MICHELLE
(appalled) Dude!

 

While MICHELLE is looking at WENNA with disgust, HARRY lunges forward and grabs his deadly guns. He wields them, triumphantly.

 

HARRY
Prepare to die, you sinister sprout!

 

 

MICHELLE
No please! All I did was badmouth a bunch of elderly gents!

 

JOSH enters, unseen by any of the others.

 

HARRY
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those elderly gents were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Harry England defender of innocent elderly gents.

 

 

MICHELLE
Don't hurt me! Please!

 

 

HARRY
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these guns on you right away!

 

 

MICHELLE
Because Harry, I am your mother.

 

HARRY looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.

 

HARRY
No you're not!

 

 

MICHELLE
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.

 

MICHELLE tries to grab the guns but HARRY dodges out of the way.

 

HARRY
Who's the mummy now? Huh? Huh?

 

Unexpectedly, MICHELLE slumps to the ground.

 

WENNA
Did she just faint?

 

 

HARRY
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly guns.

 

HARRY crouches over MICHELLE's body.

 

WENNA
Be careful, Harry. It could be a trick.

 

 

HARRY
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Michelle Sparrow is dead!

 

 

HARRY
What?

 

 

HARRY
Yes, it appears that I scared her to death.

 

WENNA claps her hands.

 

WENNA
So your guns did save the day, after all.

 

JOSH steps forward.

 

JOSH
Is it true? Did you kill the sinister vampire?

 

 

HARRY
Josh how long have you been...?

 

JOSH puts his arm around HARRY.

 

JOSH
Long enough.

 

 

HARRY
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Michelle Sparrow.

 

 

JOSH
Then the elderly gents are safe?

 

 

HARRY
It does seem that way!

 

A crowd of vulnerable elderly gents enter, looking relived.

 

JOSH
You are their hero.

 

The elderly gents bow to HARRY.

 

HARRY
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Michelle Sparrow will never badmouth elderly gents ever again, is enough for me.

 

 

JOSH
You are humble as well as brave!

 

One of the elderly gents passes HARRY a wooden pendant

 

JOSH
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.

 

 

HARRY
I couldn't possibly.

 

Pause.

 

HARRY
Well, if you insist.

 

HARRY takes the pendant.

 

HARRY
Thank you.

 

The elderly gents bow their heads once more, and leave.

HARRY turns to JOSH.

 

HARRY
Does this mean you want me back?

 

 

JOSH
Oh, Harry, of course I want you back!

 

HARRY smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

 

HARRY
Well you can't have me.

 

 

JOSH
WHAT?

 

 

HARRY
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a vampire to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.

 

 

JOSH
But...

 

 

HARRY
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Wenna.

 

WENNA grins.

 

JOSH
But...

 

 

WENNA
You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!

 

 

JOSH
Harry?

 

 

HARRY
I'm sorry Josh, but I think you should skidaddle.

 

JOSH leaves.

WENNA turns to HARRY.

 

WENNA
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?

 

 

HARRY
Of course you are!

 

The two walk off arm in arm.

Suddenly WENNA stops.

 

WENNA
When I said I still wear nappies, you know I was just trying to distract the vampire don't you?

 

 

THE END


© Copyright 2019 UIC LitZine. All rights reserved.

Add Your Comments: