My First Crush

My First Crush

You know one thing about me; I never hesitate myself to do the things whatever my heart says. After saying this truth I feel guilty on myself, my heart pulls me not to accept it. Do you know why? One’s heart is their soul mate; it knows each and every corner of their dark room. Yes, it’s true, my heart too knows everything about me and then how will it accept my lie as truth. I have an exception in my statement that I too have a hesitation for long as more than 7 years. Now too I had same hesitate but I am trying to overcome by my following lines.

Our world is made up of beautiful. We fail to count all the beautiful in the world, because here count doesn’t matter, but a question holds the matter, what is beautiful? Answer varies from each and every individual. I was searching the answer to this question, but I didn’t get a common answer. But instead of one line answer, I realize what is beautiful?

It was the year 2008, my age is running somewhere between the teenage at which everyone begins to feels the difference between boy & girl. Everybody surrounded by me warned that the teenage is the most crucial period in their life, so be careful. I didn’t realize it at that time but now I can. At that time I searching the answer for the question what is beautiful? If I want to explain my situation at that time with my age and that question is similar to terrorist with an extra weapons.

It was one hot afternoon, after a great lunch it was the first class, every student except few in the front bench feels lovely sleep with a wonderful daydream. I think it was physics class. My physics teacher is so talented that she makes even first bench students to feel sleepy, at the same time she is so strict that she doesn’t allow anyone to sleep by a single staring look at the student.  As usual she started to teach, everyone started to sleep, at that time I asked the question to my friend who is sat next to me, what is beautiful? I won’t reveal my friend name here, because incase my friend’s current lover reads this story, next day morning the headlines will be “Lover kills her lover because of one small story”, to save my friends life I was in the situation to hide his name . 

He asked me  “what is this boy? Really don’t you know what is beautiful?” I replied “really I don’t know”. He "If you start to sight, u will come to know what is beautiful". I "i heard that sight is bad habbit, then how to do it?". He "Not like that, everything has a limit, if you sight with limited level, then it wont be a bad habbit da". I "oh then ok, how to sight da? i dont know to sight". He "dont worry, i will teach you to sight, see her who sitting in middle of third bench". I "Dei she is my friend da, i wont see her in that way, please teach me with some other girl". He "Idiot, i think you wont suit for these things". I "dei dei please da, reach me da, but all our class girls are my friends da, we can sight other section girls, please da". He "ok during internal break we go to see friends of us in next section, at that time i will teach you to sight". I smiled happily and said "ok ok done ". My mind is totally on coming interval, but there is still remaining of half of this period & one more period, i cant able to wait, i saw my watch repeatedly time to time as 10times per minute speed. Next period of 45 minutes moves like a 45 hours. At last i passed all those times and reached the break.

As teacher crossed the enterance of my class I stood up suddenly and called him "dei come, we will go soon". He laughed at me as we both are going to lanch new rocket and said me "come come, lets we move". I ran to next class with a speed that even usan bolt fail to break my record. It is the first time where only girls are visible to my eyes seems that boys are in some other planet. I asked my friend "dei start the class da". He "ok see the girl who stands near window". I "ya ok da". He "looks only her eyes without any break". I am staring at her eyes as scientist looks micro organism through microscope.

Her eyes suddenly turned my side with a normal look. At that second my bound between her eyes get totally broken into pieces. I suddenly turned my eyes from her to my friend face. I can’t able to stand properly, i don’t know why these happening to me, my legs are shaking like a grinder without my control. I was feeling like one budget of ice bars are put into my shirt, even though ice gives chill effect, here i feel both cold and hot at the same time. I never experienced such a feel before that, it is new to me. That time i came to know the power hidden in a look of a girl. A dark fear is completely surrounded by me who feels me like i did one murder and caught red handed with a huge number of policemen. I tried myself to overcome from that strange feel, each and every second i trying to escape, but that scene of her single look stick to into my eyes as it stick with fevikwick, which make me fall down completely on the floor.

I closed my eyes to get me out of it, but again i failed because that scene plays in HD quality when my eyes were closed.

I "dei, i am not fine now, something happened to me, my body feels cool but it us too hot, l feel like my legs are dancing for some fork song". He laughed loudly after l explained my situation to him. His laugh made me more nervous, that she will found me. I jumped and ran away from that place. At that moment i felt of crossing India and pakistan border as i escaped from Pakistan army to my motherland India. I went and sat in my place silently, still few students didn’t close the notes of previous period. Then only i came to realized that all the things which i felt above everything happened in just 2 minutes. Truth may says that as just 2 minutes, but my heart only knows that 2 minutes is similar to entire 2nd world war.

The unknown fear surrounded by me was vaporizing slowly. I felt myself calm and rest, but that scene remains sticking to my eyes. The scene plays in my mind as it put in a repeated mode. After few minutes the bell rang, all the students are coming back to their classes. My friend came and sat next to me and asked "why did you go suddenly?”.  I "don’t know, but I came". He "it’s ok, how she looks?". After he asked this question only I came to know that, I didn’t see her face properly, I tried to recall her face but I can’t. As my friend teaches me, I was just looked her eyes alone. I don’t know how she looks? Who is she? What is her name? Did I ever see her before? But one thing I can say that I sighted her. I don’t know how could I forget her face? In other words how could I forget to see her face?  This says me that I didn’t she her but special thing is that I sighted her. I experienced lakhs of new born feelings at those moments but I feel shame when I came to know that I don’t know the face of my first sight even after I sighted here? So many questions raised in my mind. But I remain silent for my friend question how she looks?

He “tell me da”. I “don’t know da”. He “what? You said that you feel bla bla feelings after you see her”. I “ya its true, but I didn’t remember her face”. He “you totally waste, here afterwards don’t ask me to teach you”. I “I am sorry da, here afterwards I won’t sight da, for the first time itself I went to hell and came back, from now I promise you that I never sight in life.” Teacher enters in to the class and started to teach. Two periods each of 45 minutes is a new experience for me, I have seen those in the films, but then this was happening to me. Her eyes were repeatedly trying to conquer my mind. As time running, I am losing my fear.

 At last the final bell rang, as soon the sound reaches the students, their started to move out of the class. Again fear got stick to me, I feel that when I came out, there more chance of seeing her. So I decided to wait for some time, after I confirmed all the students in my floor were went out, I moved from there with few of my friends. My friends got doubt on me that something had happened, but convinced them by few lie. As I went near my school bus, my fear increases with a question if she was in my route bus? In our school, First half seats of bus is for girls and remaining seats for boys.  Few girls were standing in front so I bend down my head down and entered in to bus. I was hearing my heartbeat sound till I got down from bus, after reaching my home only I felt relaxed. I had a thought of putting leave on next day to school because of guilty feel.

I don’t have much gut to cut the classes by saying fake reason to my parents. So as usual, in morning I went to bus stop, as I saw the bus automatically my head gets down. This continued till I reach my classroom. As I entered in to the class my head got up and started my usual things to do. I got this sudden gut because of a thought that the girl is not from my class. At that time I didn’t have any doubt on my class girls. From that day I didn’t went out of my class even for intervals and lunch too. These same procedures were repeated for two more days. Next two days of weekend we got holiday. As I returned on Monday I totally forgot about that scene. Everything is going fine around me, as I reached my class my friend informed me “Just now your friend *** came and asked you”. I replied “oh ok ok, I will meet him now” and went to his class. As I entered his class by calling his name, he saw me and came near me to talk. We were talking for few minutes; by talking to him I saw here and there around the class.  When I saw that window where she stood there that day, I remembered everything happened before. At THAT MOMENT just think of me, how I felt at that situation? Without any words from me, you itself will understand my feel. But I want to say it in a line, my little soft cute heart forget to beat for a while.

To be continued soon...

Now my face is full of smile but at the second while teacher saw me i changed my face into innocent boy. She warned us not to repeat it again and asked us to enter the class. I "ok thank you mam". She " you should not say thank you, you should say sorry for this". I suddenly "ok ok sorry miss". She " ok go inside". Before she completing the sentence, i hold my friend's hand and pull him towards her class. We both entered her classroom.

My heart is eagerly waiting to see her face. My dream was keep on increasing on her. In my dream, she was made up of all 99 flowers which was mentioned in kurinjipattu. I know that dream wont be true but i like to dream her. Even i knew that i was going to realize my dream would be worthless at the monemt when i see her, but my heart loves to dream her. As my friend was searching her to show me, i was looking all the places where and all his index finger was pointing. Finally his finger stopped moving at one point, i am looking slowly from his finger to towards straight. I would see a girl standing but her face was not clear, it was  blocking by few of her friends standing before her.

Now my full concentration is on her, i am waiting for that moment to see her. Her friends slightly moved, now i was able to see her face. As my eyes capture her picture and sends those data to my brain to knew its reaction. My heart is waiting for the message from my brain. My brain took some time for its processing and send its reply message to my heart. My heart opened the message and saw "She looks beautiful but as you expected your dream goes wrong, her beautiness didnt attracted you, something is missing and mismatching here but finally i can say that she is beautiful" after this msg or feel i went under little bit of dippression. I like her, she is more beautiful, she has everything within her but she forget to attract me. I dont knew whether it was fault of her or mine.

With the mood of upset, i decided to go back to my class. But when i moved two step backward my inner voice "Why you were upset now? before you were happy just because of her eyes alone, so now too sight her eyes and make yourself happy". I like this dealing, so to change my mindset i looked her eyes. Now i felt very happy, not because of her eyes beauty, it is because those eyes were not matching with my scoty eyes, that means my heart confirmed that she is not my girl whom i was sighted. She was a new one. I asked my friend "i asked you to show me the girl which you shown me on that day, but you are showing some other girl". He "i showed her only da, is it she beautiful?".

I dont know what was happening to me? I dont know whether i was right? I had a fear that my inner confidence may also be goes wrong. But i convienced myself that you were right and she was not your girl. Then a question raised in myself was "if she is not mine, then where is she?". I just closed my eyes and rewind my memories to get atleast something to prove myself. Ya i had found that there were two girls standing near window, one girl was standing next to my girl. My friend was showed me a girl but i saw another girl who is standing next to her. After understanding the situation, i was searching my girl there. Few girls were standing there, i was looking at all of their eyes to found out my girl. All eyes were rejected, except eyes of one's girl because i cant able to saw her eyes as she was turned back. I was waiting for her to turn front.

As like a slow cool breeze she turned her face slowly. As my eyes were capturing image of her and sending to my brain. As before my brain was processing it, a message was received by brain sent by my heart. This time my brains open message "Ya i was wrong, i had a thought that dreams always fails before real one. But now i can say that my dream came true, she looks more beautiful than as i saw her in my dream, i cant able to withstand before her beauty, i am not only get attracted by her, i was totally fall down below the ground floor because of her beauty". After my mind read this message it stop processing and started sighting her. If the poet kabilar was born in this century he would wrote as 100 flowers instead of 99 by considering her as a most beautiful flower in kurinjipattu. i love to see her, i love to see her & i love to see her. I dont know whether she is really that much of beautiful or not. But for my eyes she was the most beautiful girl ever i seen".

I was in out of state condition. For example My friend asked me to close my mouth and said "you can sight her but not by opening your mouth please close it da". I forget myself there because of her. i felt very happy there, i was flying over sky. I was continuously sighting her without any diversion. But i suddenly bend down my head As she looked me again as she looked in first sight. Now i didnt have any fear, but instead of that i got a full bottle of shyness. This time my head waiting to move up so i again started to sight her, as whole interval went like a lovely tour.

My friend was requested me too much to go back to class. But my heart feels to stay there itself by just seeing her. He forcely pulled me to my class. i was at extreme happiness, just becaue of my Scoty. She was making me happy, because of her i was happy, i was happy because she was making me happy. before her eyes alone made me to lost half of myself, now i completely lost myself because of her. I was studying in that school from the year 2000 but it was the first time i was seeing her. I felt worried that i wasted 8 years without seeing her. May be god decides it was the right time to see her. Incase if i seen her before, i wouldn't have any feel on her like now. Because its the age i felt difference between genders and in additional to that she is the first girl in my life to give this feel.

I dont know even her name, but i think her with all my known favorite beautiful names. But naturally in my situation everyone eagerly wants to know her name. So i asked my friend "What is her name?".

To be continued soon...

I dont know even her name, but i think her with all my known favorite beautiful names. But naturally in my situation everyone eagerly wants to know her name. So i asked my friend "What is her name?". He “Don’t know da”. I “Don’t say lie, please say her name da”. He “really I don’t know da”. Now my heart needs her name, I know that I wont  call her but I need her name. I asked my another friend who sat next to me on another side “you know her name?” . He “which girl are you asking?” I “Our next class girl, who looks so beautiful, and her eyes are more beautiful, about that girl only I am asking now”. He looked me from top to bottom and replied “by those details how can I identify da? Say some other details”. I “she looks so beautiful da, her eyes are more beautiful da”. He “don’t make me tense da, say some other than that”. I “After giving these much details also you cant able to find? Then you only waste”. He “don’t make me anger, just leave from me, is beautiful detail? If you need her name say some other thing or else shut up and go”. I “sorry da… be cool, if I give correct details you will say her name right? Ok now I will say”. He looked me for a while, I started to pull details about her from my mind, I got lot of details there, I brought all those to my mouth. I started to say “she looks sooo beautiful and her eyes are more beautiful” whatever I feel inside are either structed or directly converted into those repeated words, because I don’t know anything more about her, but I feel likes I knows everything about her. This is a very strange feel ever I felt. After I delivered those words my friend slowly turned back his face and continued his work. I called him by his name. He “even if I know her also I wont say her name to you”. I “dei… please da”. He angrily replied “if you ask me again, I will never talk with you”. So I controlled myself and started to think about her.

From that day, whenever I got time, I will go near to her class to see her, to sight her. In future it becomes one of my daily routine works. I enjoyed a lot, because everything is new to me. I opened my secret to few of my friends later. Whenever my friends see her they will tease me, I love those teases and i needed those teases. While my friends tease me with her, in front of them I will say that please don’t tease me with her, but inside me I enjoyed by saying please tease me with her. This will happens to everyone in their life. Like you I too enjoyed those days. Few days were went, still I don’t know her name, but I didn’t try to knew her name.

One beautiful day, while you reading the word beautiful itself you came to knew that there was something happened between us. Yes its true, It was happened. On the day as usual I was going to her class to do my routine. I and my friend were standing next to the teacher’s desk near black board. I was looking on her eyes, suddenly she too looks back. As she looks me, I turned my face side. She and her friend was walking towards me, as she gets nearer and nearer to me, I feel sweat in my body due to sudden fear. Only two steps distance were left between us, I cant able to move my legs to, all parts of my body lost its action. I feel discomfort in breathing. She suddenly lifted something in her hand and kept on the teacher’s desk, and returned back. After that only I came to know that she submitted her note book for teacher’s correction. You may have a thought that for this simple incident I said it was beautiful? No, you forgot one thing logically, every note book has its cover, every cover has its label, and every label has their owners’ name. That means I too found her name for her lovely note book. Her name was too beautiful. I was very happy, accidently she itself shows her name to me. If I was a greedy, I could have a thought that she purposely came and submitted her note there at that time to say her name to me. But I am not that much greedy, so I just had a thought that she too sights me (by truth I am not that much worth) and symbolically she is trying to say that she too likes me. Later I realize that it all were my pure dreams. I continuously repeated her name in my mind. She is beautiful, her eyes are beautiful, and then surely her name too beautiful. This law is stated and proved by myself. I know that now your mind (all readers) is eagerly waiting to know her name. But I won’t say her name now, because I was waiting nearly two months to know her name. Her name is that much of valuable, so you will also get that after some time.

After I knew her name, my daily routine continued as before with an additional happy that I knew her name. As days went, we faced annual examination and summer holidays came. As we are going to face public examination next year, few days of our holidays were changed to classes.

After I knew her name, my daily routine continued as before with an additional happy that I knew her name. As days went, we faced annual examination and summer holidays came. As we are going to face public examination next year, few days of our holidays were cancelled and changed to classes. It’s the time for most of the students to hate schools and studies, because of public exam everything around them will change drastically. From the morning wake up timing to night sleeping time, from television cable connection cut to restriction on jolly talking, etc.  All of our juniors were enjoying holiday but we started to come school. I heard that students were grouped and rearrange in different sections according to alphabet ascending order. We all felt very bad that most of our friends were changed to different sections. But we didn’t have any other options, so we were seated in the allotted new class room; I got two more boys from my old gang in my new section. We all three friends sat on the same bench, waiting for all to come.

The most unexpected surprise is that she was entering in to the same section where I was seated, I can’t control myself, and happiness is touching my head. But my sudden thought stop my happiness and says to me that she may came here to meet her friend also so don’t be so happy, anything may happen at any time so pause your happiness. She came near to her friend talking something to her. I was waiting her to sit on bench. But she was taking too much of time in talking. Slightly she removed her schoolbag from her shoulder and kept on the left side fourth bench middle place. But now I was sitting in the right side third bench, I felt it was difficult to sight her by turning back during classes. So I asked my friends to move on fourth bench with a reason that there we won’t get fresh air, we will move go near window of fourth bench. As my wish we all three sat on fourth bench where already two boys were sitting from other section, at that time I don’t know we five will form a friends gang. Till now we five are best friends because of her.

As the classes started my sweetest memories also started. I was second boy seated in the fourth bench from left. She was second girl seated in fourth bench from right. So she will be in so clear view to me as I was seeing my friend next to me. I loved each and every second there. My friendship developed between five of us, everybody come to know everybody secrets. You should understand that my secret of sighting her also know by my friends. They started to tease me with her as she is my lover. I scold them not to tease me but inside my heart I love those teases. There is a special culture in my gang, you know what that was? During 10th standard we have one new portion in chemistry that same chemical compound has two names as COMMAN name & IUPAC name. Similar to that we five boys kept two separate name as common and IUPAC for all girls in my class. These names are the codes for us to use to represent them particularly in crowd. Common name is given by their external appearance and IUPAC name is derived from their original name. As per our gang law, she also has two names. I won’t say IUPAC name here because it is easy to derive her original name from that so I will say common name “Katrina KAIF”. You don’t know y she got that name? while keeping names for all, I think nearly oneday completely to choose very special beautiful name, but while I  think about her no name gives satisfied with her beauties. So I asked one of my friend in five that what or who is most beautiful in this world? He suddenly replied that Katrina kaif is the most beautiful in this world. I never seen her or hear that name before, because I never seen a  bollyhood films then. I asked him “is she really that much beautiful?” he replied that “if you see her once you will fall in her beauty”. While I hearing this sentence I confirmed her common name as Katrina kaif and shortly called kaif. My gang has one rule that once one name is confirmed by proving majority 3 out of 5, there is no permission to change it again unless all 5 of them agree to change it. I went home and searched who is kaif in my father’s mobile. After many search I got her face. But she is not beautiful  as I expected, because my scooty looks too beautiful too my eyes. So I decided to change her name but my friend who suggested that name doesn’t give us permission to prove majority.  Because he was Katrina kaif’s  fan. So till now I cant able to change her even after 7 years.

Everyday from morning to evening my first duty was to sight her, second duty was to sight her and third duty was also to sight her. By Average I can say that for every 5 seconds I will see her at least 2 second at worse case, most of the time 5 out of 5 is completely dedicated for her. But if I got at least any minimum symptoms of her eyes to notice me, I stop seeing and act as doing my work usual. I don’t know was it love or not?

But I thought that I may be in love.  With this thought I moved my days by just sight her without talking single word to her.

After five months, one sweet day it was maths exam, there will be a suffle in the class arrangement for all exams to avoid copying. At that time she was sat at the corner of her bench and I was sat down on floor near her. I was exam so at that time I won’t sight her because marks are too important for me at that time. All in the class started to write the exam. Suddenly a pen cap fall on me, I took it in my hand and saw above the bench, she is searching for that cap. She didn’t notice that the cap fall on myself, I had a thought to hide that cap for myself for her remembrance. Another thought also arise in my mind that If she didn’t wrote exam well because of upset of missing that cap, so I decided to give her back. I shown the cap in front of her eyes, she surprisingly saw it and gave a cute smile. At that moment I was flying on the class. She took the cap and said “THANKS”. It is the first word she talked to me. At that time I felt that THANKS is the most beautiful word in English. Till now her THANKS in her voice was hearing in my ears.

It is the first word she talked to me. At that time I felt that THANKS is the most beautiful word in English. Till now her THANKS in her voice hearing in my ears.

Exam gets over, but her voice of thanks hitting my little heart repeatedly. I cant believe myself, a single thanks can make a man this much happy, then I answer to myself “hey idiot, happiness is not in the word, it is in her voice”.  That happiness continues for few days. I forgot to say it before, that I was joined in an evening tuition under my biology school teacher where most of all boys stay night at the tuition for night study. It was a wonderful moments. We will study up to 10:30 to 11 pm until our teacher was with us. As soon she went out of our room we close all our books and started to enjoy. Everyday night we enjoyed, enjoyed and enjoyed. At the same time I will study sincerely until my teacher sat near us.

I think it was a model exam, we were get ready to start the geography exam in the afternoon after the lunch. As I said in maths exam I sat down to her, after few months I got a chance that she sat down next to me where I sat in corner of my bench. It is exactly same position but we were in opposite places. During examinations, few teachers will ask to pass the question paper by students, as same teacher asked to distribute the question paper on that day. It was another sweet moment; I got geography question paper through my kaif hand. While I receiving that question paper I was in dream that I was receiving some honorable award from a great beautiful person in the world. After receiving it I was handling it in very soft manner that I didn’t even kept any paper on it, because it should not feel even a paper weight. I turned that question paper very slowly not to hurt it. As I wrote the exam very happily, at the end of exam I tried to tie my answer paper. At that time by unknowing an empty additional answer sheet of mine slipped from my writing pad and fall on my kaif. I was bit shocked, she took that paper and gave it to me. Now it was the chance for me to return back her thanks, so I said thanks to her. I think she didn’t notice my sorry, I know if she heard my thanks surely she would have been replied to that. It was my mistake that I may deliver it in very mild voice. Exams were over she went to her place. You know one thing I scored 93 out of 100 in that exam which is my highest mark in geography till then. Surprising and shocking news is that, now too I had that geography question paper and that additional empty sheet in my secret locker at my home. Now those papers were only the evidence for those sweet memories of her.

One Saturday, we have only half day of classes in our school. As we finish our classes, we took lunch in our home and will go to tuition as soon. It was around 4 pm, the sun started to setting it off. Teacher asked everyone move to up stair with our books to learn in fresh air. If we sat in the room we boys will sat close to each other and will play or talk with each other easily. But if we are in upstairs the distance between us will be too far, so we can’t able to talk each other. So we all felt bore. If anyone is alone, surely they will start to think about whattheylike more, its nature. I was also experienced it there, I was thinking about my kaif and her thanks within myself. In my hand, I had a small hair pin which I took it from tuition room. With that pin I was started to scratch the wall near me. Without knowing myself I wrote her name in that wall using the pin. It looks so beautiful. I started smiling after I saw her name in that wall. After few minutes I wrote my name below to her, it looks more beautiful than before. Now I felt something is missing there. So I draw a symbol of heart around our names and added an arrow in it. Now it looks as it is the most beautiful.  I was happily enjoyed that day by seeing that in the wall. As the sun completely sets, my teacher asked us to go down to the tuition room.

After one week, as same we went upstairs to sit. But our places were changed. My old classmate a good friend of mine sat in the place where I sat on that day. After sometime three of my friends started to gather at that place. I completely had forgotten about the words which I wrote on the wall. They called me with a shock that I too had a crush on some one. They asked me “are you in love with her?”  With a fear I tried to lie them that I didn’t wrote on the wall, but finally they made me to agree the truth. From that moment, it was the hot sensational news for them. I got promises from them not to share this news with any one. From that day they started to advise me how to attract her. Nearly thousands of idea would have been discussed between us, but not even a single idea I tried. I was completely in fear whenever I stood in front of her.

It was more than a year from that moment of first sight, but then too she doesn’t know that one human being in that class had madly feelings over her, that is

With a fear I tried to lie them that I didn’t wrote on the wall, but finally they made me to agree the truth. From that moment, it was the hot sensational news for them. I got promises from them not to share this news with any one. From that day they started to advise me how to attract her. Nearly thousands of idea would have been discussed between us, but not even a single idea I tried. I was completely in fear whenever I stood in front of her.

It was more than a year from that moment of first sight, but then too she doesn’t know that one human being in that class had madly feelings over her, that is me. The days went like a racing horse; we had only few more days in our hand to complete our 10th standard school life. We all don’t know whether we will be able meet each other in next few days. We all began to feel the last days there. I had more friends there, I were changed to three sections in the last two years which brings me lot of friends. I surely know that from next year I won’t be in that school where I did my past 10 years schooling. I felt more badly about missing all of my friends and specially my kaif. It was the first time we hear about slam book, few of my friends introduced those books into my classes. So I took asked my parents to buy the slam book. My parent agreed to buy a slam book. But I asked for three slam books because I have more friends in that school. My dad scolded me and gave money to buy only one slam book. I took the money from my savings and went to buy three slam book. But I got only two because of my financial problem. So I separated those slam book as one for my close and best friends and another for my normal friends. But I don’t know which one I will give to kaif to fill it.

But I don’t know which one I will give to kaif to fill it. 

As I planned two slam books were circulated to most of my friends to fill it. Still I was in confusion that which one I need to gives to kaif. Another important thing is that she never spoke to me before except the word THANKS, so I had a question in myself that how she will fill? But I prayed god that atleast she should accept to fill my slam book. I tried nearly 15 days to ask her, but all those went into air which doesn’t reach her. Still 10 days to get over, I was completely in worry, how willi give to her? I decided to give her the slam which I was made for best friends, but in that slam two of my friends wrote about her in it. So I decided to give another one to her. I made my heart like steel bar, then only I can able to give it to her. I gave that slam book to the girl who was sitting next to her whom was my good friend. After she finished filling she returned back me the slam, but I asked my friend to giveher(kaif) and ask her to fill it. As I said she gave the slam to kaif. After hearing few words from my friend she turned and saw me. I think It was the first time she looks me when my eyes also looking her. At that moment my body gets completely dehydrated; I feel a sudden chill with a bottom hot. Her eyes wereasking me something like why you gave me the slam? My words were get struck in my throat itself, her eyes were waiting for my reply, till then I never speak with her, so it was the first time I am going to speak, so I was searching for the beautiful words in my language. But I didn’t get anything, if I wait for few more minutes, she may reject my slam too. So I replied her “you too fill it and give”. Her face reaction shows me that she agreed to fill it but she doesn’t know anything about me. My eyes are asking her “please fill it my dear kaif”. Her eyes didn’t get my words but I got reply “ok I will fill it”. That time my likeness on her gets increased more. If any other girl was in her situation she may reject my slam by saying “. I don’t know about you so why should I fill it? But she accepted to fill, with a care of not to hurt me by her rejection.  She has kind heart, though she cares me even I was anunknown person to her, that makes me to feel greater in my heart. She completed filling and returned back to me throughmy friend. I received that slam in my hand like a ton of gold was given to me. My friends asked to read before them. I didn’t open it in the class, I kept it in my bag and I was waiting to read it in home alone.

As soon I reached my home, I went inside the room to change my dress. There I opened the slam and started to read. As I expected she fill it in a manner as a normal one who doesn’t know anything about me. Even though I expected the same, I got little disappointment but I tried myself to overcome from it. In slam, she repeatedly answered that chocolate make her happy and one day she surely start the chocolate company. I love those lines from her because she remains child even she going to complete 10th. If chocolate is the happiness for her I would like to give her more chocolate throughout her life to make her always happy in this world. But at that time 10 rupees was a huge amount for me, I have spent all my saved money on slam book, so I need to save for few more days to buy her a chocolates. From that second, I started to save money to buy her chocolates. Last five days were gone and practical exams were begin. We all were in busy with record works. I was also busy in record as well as in busy of thinking what chocolates I can give to her.

It was the last practical exam. We both are in different batch so we need to face different subjects under different time. I saved nearly 20 rupees in those 10 days. I need to buy chocolates to give at least on last day of practical exam, because after that final theory exams were going to held at government school as exam center. It is not possible to talk with her there. So I decided to give it her on last day of practical. I went to shop with those 20 rupees. I don’t know which chocolate she loves. So I asked price for all the chocolates in that shop, and finally decided to buy four different chocolates of rupees 5 each. One milkybar, one dairymilk, one 5 star & one kitkat. I was in thought that how to give all those chocolates to her and to see her happiness in her face. All my friends advised me to propose my love to her while giving those chocolates. But I know about me, I don’t have those guts to talk in front of my kaif. I was not interested in expressing my feelings to her as I love you, but I love to talk with her without saying those words.

As morning I completed my practical exam and came back to our class where there was no one except my gang of 4 boys. So I asked my boys to sit on the bench where she regularlysits. They refused to come, but due to my compulsion at last they came. I sat in my kaif place where I felt a strange lovely feel, which I didn’t get again in my life till now. I found her bag below the desk, as I saw her bag, I suddenly shouted without knowing myself that “I have found her bag”. Everyone in my gang was getafraid because of my sudden shout. My friends said why are shouting, keep quit. I took her bag out. I asked my friend “better I keep those chocolates in her bag now”. One of my friend replied “give it her directly”. I replied “I am feeling shy to give her directly da, so I will keep it in her bag”. My friend asked “if you keep it in her bag, how she know that you only keep those chocolates in her bag”. I said “why should she know it? I need to see her happy, that is enough for me”. My friend replied “don’t talks like fool, if she knows you only, she will talk to you, otherwise she never talks to you, is it ok?” I replied “I need to talk to her, so what I need to do?”. Another friend gave me an idea “wrote your name in paper and put it in her bag along with chocolates”. I agreed to him and did as he said. All four chocolates and one paper with a text “by Nishanth”was kept in her bag. After few minutes we were seen our class girls were coming back to our class, so we moved from that place to our place. I was eagerly waiting for her arrival. I was running out of my class to check whether she is coming or not. After few timesi went in and out, I found her coming from lab. I came into the class and sat on my place. She came into class and took the bag. My heart beats gets increasing. She kept the pouch and pad into the bag and closed it. I was shocked, why she didn’t take the chocolates out? I think that she didn’t notice her bag properly. I was waiting for her to open the bag again but she didn’t.  After a bell rang she went out of our class. It was the last day in our school so most of them started to pour ink on others to celebrate the day. I was one among them in celebration but my eyes were on her bag. But she didn’t open her bag till last minute of the day at school. She went to home and I too went.

After few days of holiday, our public exams were started in government school as It was our exam center. During the first day of exam I was waiting for her and her response for those chocolates. At that time there is no mobile, no facebook, no messages nothing. We need to wait for their direct response. But really it was a wonderful feel, but nowadays we lost those feel because of our technologies. That day my eyes were so lucky, she was in a different style as she never comes to school like that before. Her beauty increased tripled the times. At normal days itself, my eyes won’t move away from her. Think of that day, my total body is tied with her beauty, where ever she moves, and my entire soul with my body moves along with her. Her face which I saw on that day still remains in my eyes. My fear on my first public exam were went somewhere, now she is the only thing in my mind.

We were allotted in different exam halls. But I think it was good, otherwise if she was in my hall, surely I will forget to write exam just simply by sighting her. After first exam over we came out of our classes. I searched for her to continue to sight her beauty and also to know the response for those chocolates. I saw her but there is no response from her. As time moves, we all went back to home. As the exams were went one by one, the scenes were same as first day as I continue to sight her but there is no response from her for those chocolates. In the meantime, one of my best friend from my childhood (she studied in another school) was writing the exam in the same exam center. I always torture her by describes about my kaif to her. So it was the chance to show my kaif to my friend. As we went close to last exam, I asked my friend to talk with kaif and ask her whether she was happy by seeing those chocolates. But she refused to ask her.

It was the last day of exam. You know subject was GEOGRAPHY &Economics. From that geography exam I am going to miss her. So I decided to talk with her directly. After completing my exam, I was waiting to talk with her; at least I need to say that I like her very much. As the bell rung, I went out and started to search her. Every day she will easily caught in eyes but that day I don’t know why she still didn’t caught in my eyes. As time is going, I can’t able to find her. Everyone was coming and asking me about the exam, but I didn’t reply to them. I was in need to see her and I need to talk with her. My mind is saying to me that i missed her. But my heart is not accepting it. Tears were hardly trying to come out of my eyes, but I begged my eyes to wait for few more minutes with a trust that I can see her. I think the time given to my eyes was going to get over, and then I can’t able to stop my tears. I didn’t expect this as my climax. Lots of my dreams were gone as dreams.  I was fighting with my heart that this was all because of you, she always caught to your eyes till you limit within sight, but she disappeared only when you try to talks with her. By hearing this sentence from my inner voice I prayed god that, I won’t go and talk to her, please at least show her in my eyes for last time, please.

Within a few minutes, I saw her but it was the very short time in entire time of her sight from my first sight. I saw her just a while she crossed the main gate of the school. With the same beauty she gave me the last appearance to my eyes. While me seeing her last time entire memories of her came across my thought.

 I was gone to another school for 11th but she studied in the same school. It was the last day on 09.04.2010 I saw her, still it was nearly more than 7 years I didn’t see her face to face. Only one thing is that till now she doesn’t know about me and mine feel on her. But those memories remain same sweet as I felt on those days.

After one year, I came to know one answer for my unanswered question? You too may have the same question. Why she didn’t reply for those chocolates? Whether she felt happy for those chocolates? The answer was those chocolates didn’t reach her. One year later my friend came and gave me one paper, in that there was a text “by Nishanth” I asked him what this was. On that day after I kept chocolates in her bag, I was eagerly went out and in to see her whether she was coming or not. At that time two of my friends in my gang took back those chocolates from her bag and eaten it. They decided to tell this to me on next day by giving that paper, but they forgot it. While cleaning his room after one year he found this paper and came to me to say the truth that those chocolates are unlucky to reach her & me too.

After 6 months from the above incident, I have heard the news that my kaif, sorry…. kaif was in love with one of my friend in my old school. I don’t know whether it was true or not? But I accepted it as true. If I want to say truth, one year I didn’t have any thought about her. But when I heard this news from my friend, those tears which I controlled on last day came out of my eyes. I went inside the room and started to cry. I cried for two days then later I took it as normal and I started to move my life. After her I have crossed so many loves in my life till now. But she is always special in my life because she is the first girl to me to sight. Three years before I went to the place where I studied tuition during 10th, I say those words still stands on the wall which I wrote using pin. I smiled while see those words.  But now I heard that they were painted newly on the wall. But still that geography question paper and empty answer sheet is with me to give sweet memories about her.

Do you know why I am saying this entire story to you, because few months back I got kaif contact through facebook. So at least now I can tell her that I was one who madly followed you, sighted you and liked you very much at those times. If I started to say this line first, it may result in misunderstood and make her angry. I need to say her that she is one of my sweet memories in my life. I have sending this stories as part by part episodes to you all and to her also. Till now she don’t know that the heroine of this story was her but she also one among you who reading this story. This was the last episode where she will come to know that kaif is herself who is reading this story as one of the reader. Those who are eagerly waiting her name, is here. Her name is SHAMBAVI.