Bloodless Episode 6

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Oliver is forced to negotiate with David over the terms of his silence, enlisting Roy as an advisor in the intense negotiations. Roy is forced to deal with a crazy homeless person who comes in to the store to talk his ear off and ask him for help. Prodigy becomes over-worked as demand for drugs shoots up in the face of midterm exams.

Submitted: March 21, 2019

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Submitted: March 21, 2019

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BLOODLESS

 

“RENEGOTIATION”

 

TV-MA DL

 

“It's fair enough. Alright, if I want a loan, if I wanna trespass, why should I walk when you've got wheels? When I’m in doubt, when I’m in debt. When I'm in deep at your expense. Then I owe you. I owe you”

  • Rick Froberg

 

(We start with Roy sitting at his desk in the political science lecture hall, clearly spaced out. Melissa comes in and sits one seat away from him. Roy glances at her)

 

ROY: Hey. (Melissa smiles and Roy takes a beat) Can I talk to you?

 

MELISSA: Sure. (Melissa moves one seat closer) What’s up?

 

ROY: I feel like it’s been awkward for the last couple weeks. I don’t think it needs to be like that.

 

MELISSA: …I agree. Sorry about all that-

 

ROY: You good.

 

MELISSA: People shouldn’t let me drink.

 

ROY: Well. The law doesn’t anyway, right?

 

(Melissa chuckles)

 

MELISSA: Correct.

 

ROY: Maybe we should try again some time.

 

MELISSA: Yeah, for sure. Hey, there’s a frat party I’m going to tonight, if you want to meet me there.

 

ROY: Ah. Damnit. I want to, but I got work. Maybe after.

 

MELISSA: Don’t trip, they’ll be plenty of frat parties.

 

ROY: I got you. Keep me posted on how it goes.

 

MELISSA: I’ll blow up your Snapchat and Instagram, for sure.

 

(Cut to Professor Kinnock standing in front of the class with the words “Fruit of the Poisonous Tree”)

 

PROFESSOR KINNOCK: Excuse me! (Melissa and Roy sit up) The main event is right here, Mr. Handler and Ms. Alvarez.

 

ROY: My bad.

 

MELISSA: Sorry.

 

PROFESSOR KINNOCK: Alright. Fruit of the poisonous tree. It means illegally obtained evidence, and it’s not admissible in court. To demonstrate this- (Professor Kinnock takes a basket full of apples out from under her desk and puts it on the table) I brought a basket full of poisonous fruit.

 

ROY: Why?

 

PROFESSOR KINNOCK: I want you to eat it and see how you feel. Don’t worry, it’s not fatal, as long as you weigh over 130 pounds.

 

(Cut to Roy walking into the living room putting on his Walgreen’s shirt as Oliver sits on the couch on his laptop)

 

OLIVER: Good news, my dude!

 

(Roy pulls the shirt on and grabs a pop tart from the microwave)

 

ROY: I know, Bernie Sanders is running for President.

 

OLIVER: It’s fucking awesome, isn’t it!? But, no, I’m talking about this- (Oliver turns his laptop around as Roy enters the room, munching on a pop tart. The screen shows Naomi’s relationship status as “single”) Naomi’s single!

 

ROY: Oh, nice. I told you it was a rebound.

 

OLIVER: Bro, give me SOME credit! (Oliver stands up) In fact, I should get a Nobel for breaking up this unholy union.

 

ROY: You’re a vampire and I’m a Christian and we’re best friends, we’re an unholy union.

 

OLIVER: Easy does it, okay?

 

ROY: You know David would’ve said something awful to Naomi eventually anyway, their relationship was fucked from the jump, dude.

 

OLIVER: Maybe you’re right. But you’re not gonna stop me from taking a victory lap. (Oliver walks to the door, opens it, the sun shines in and he immediately recoils and runs away) The sun will, but…not my fault.

 

ROY: I’m going to work. Try actually studying tonight, okay?

 

OLIVER: Okay, mom.

 

ROY: Dude, the vampire thing only flies for so long. You can’t get a Doctor’s note for this.

 

OLIVER: When Bernie endorses vampire rights, maybe that’ll change!
 

ROY: Yeah, maybe.

 

(Roy leaves. Cut to Roy behind the counter at the Walgreen’s, staring forward in a total daze. He checks his phone as Jackie walks over)

 

JACKIE: Hey, no phones!
 

(Roy puts the phone away)

 

ROY: Oh, sorry.

 

JACKIE: I’m fuckin’ with you.

 

(Roy chuckles)

 

ROY: Yeah, I was confused for a second, I was thinking maybe you became a hard-ass.

 

JACKIE: Nah, no one’s here. You swipin’ on bitches?

 

ROY: Nah, just gettin’ FOMO from these Snapchats from this party my friend’s at.

 

JACKIE: Party on a Monday night? Man, you college kids wild as fuck. You watch the Oscars last night?

 

ROY: Yeah, it was inspiring. Waiting for the next white person that walks by to be my savior.

 

(Jackie giggles)

 

JACKIE: Shit, if they got the money, I’ll take a full ride at Northwestern.

 

ROY: Maybe they’ll come through that door.

 

(Roscoe, a homeless black dude with a beard, thinning hair, a dirty navy-blue shirt and loose cargo pants walks in)

 

ROSCOE: I’m on a MISSION, motherfucka!

 

ROY: What’s up, Roscoe?

 

(Roscoe walks up to Roy and Jackie)

 

ROSCOE: I just seen my ass a WILD-ASS video from a laptop in a Starbucks window!

 

JACKIE: What was it?

 

ROY: Why were you watching from the window?

 

ROSCOE: They ain’t allow me in there, nigga!
 

ROY: Got you.

 

ROSCOE: Turns out this moon landing shit never even HAPPENED! They didn’t even FAKE it, my dude, it just didn’t happen!
 

JACKIE: For real?

 

ROSCOE: On my mama!
 

ROY: Then what was the moon landing footage, Roscoe?

 

ROSCOE: That shit was animated! You heard o’ Pixar?!

 

ROY: Yeah, man-

 

ROSCOE: You think it’s a coincidence a man named Pixar runs the CIA?!

 

ROY: I think it’s not true, Roscoe.

 

ROSCOE: Dude, Pixar finna overthrow Maduro to get the oil!

 

JACKIE: When he’s right, he’s right.

 

ROY: Yeah, but it’s not Pixar that’s doing that.

 

JACKIE: I believe you, Roy, come on, bump it.

 

(Jackie and Roscoe bump fists)

 

ROSCOE: For real man, you gotta wise up! #BelieveRoscoes!

 

(An older woman comes to the counter with a carton of milk)

 

ROY: Hi, ma’am- (Roy scans the milk) is this all for you today?

 

OLDER WOMAN: Yes.

 

ROSCOE: Hey, ma’am! You wanna hear what I was doin’ in the late 90s?!

 

OLDER WOMAN: Excuse me?

 

ROSCOE: I WAS FRIENDS WITH TUPAC!
 

OLDER WOMAN: Who?

 

ROY: Roscoe, she’s trying to check out. (To the woman) Sorry, ma’am. Use the chip.

 

(The woman inserts the card into the scanner and the purchase goes through)

 

ROSCOE: Milk has cow blood in it, you know that?!

 

OLDER WOMAN: Cow blood?

 

ROY: Dude, chill out.

 

ROSCOE: I’m tryna spread the truth in this bitch!
 

(The woman screams)

 

OLDER WOMAN: HE’S TRYING TO MURDER ME!

 

(The older woman runs out of the store)

 

ROSCOE: That bitch was trippin’.

 

ROY: Roscoe, you can’t bother customers or we’re gonna have to kick you out.

 

JACKIE: That bitch did overreact though.

 

ROY: Definitely.

 

ROSCOE: A’ight, a’ight, I’ll be good! Just gotta pick out a gift for my daughter, my secretary forgot to pick one up.

 

(Roscoe walks towards the toy aisle)

 

ROY: Why does he say stuff like that?

 

JACKIE: Yeah, we know the nigga’s homeless. (Cut to a shot of Roscoe stuffing Sudafed and Advil into his pockets. Jackie appears in the aisle) Roscoe, is that what you getting your kid?

 

ROSCOE: She loves this shit, she gets a lotta colds.

 

JACKIE: Roscoe-

 

(A heavyset, curly-haired white lady employee named Deborah appears behind Jackie)

 

DEBORAH: Oh my God! He’s a- he’s a thief! A stealer!
 

JACKIE: Deborah, I’ll handle this.

 

DEBORAH: I’m calling the police!

 

(Deborah takes out her phone)

 

JACKIE: NO! Don’t do that!

 

(Deborah is dialing)

 

DEBORAH: I’m sorry, Jackie, I’m doing it!
 

(Roy comes over)

 

ROY: You’re not calling the police on Roscoe, are you!?

 

JACKIE: As your boss, I order you to hang up!
 

DEBORAH: Yes, there’s a thief at the Walgreens on Dodge Avenue! Bring a paddywagon!

 

(Roscoe keeps stuffing his pockets)

 

JACKIE: Dude!
 

ROSCOE: My daughter hungry, man!!

 

ROY: You gotta get out of here before they get here!

 

DEBORAH: NO! Restrain him!

 

JACKIE: Man, if Tucker Carlson wasn’t your Uncle, I’d fire your ass just for bein’ white. Roscoe, put the shit down and RUN!
 

ROSCOE: A’ight, I got my fill.

 

(Roscoe rushes for the door with the stuff and escapes)

 

ROY: Of course, he ignores the “drop the stuff” part.

 

DEBORAH: You guys covered for that, that criminal!

 

ROY: He’s just a homeless drug addict, I don’t want to make his life harder because he stole some Advil.

 

DEBORAH: You guys just hate the police.

 

JACKIE: Not as much as you’re gonna hate my ass when I fire you for telling the police we covered for him. Now, go away.

 

(Deborah rolls her eyes and walks away. Roy walks back to the counter and sees Charlie waiting there, his eyes bloodshot, a dumb smile affixed upon his face and three bags of Doritos on the counter)

 

ROY: Hey Charlie, sorry, we just ran out of tied-up virgins, so…

 

CHARLIE: Bro, shut up, what are you a narc?

 

ROY: No, I just don’t like you. (Roy scans the chips) It’s $10.50.

 

CHARLIE: Hey, can I get a two pack of Swisher sweets too?

 

ROY: Can I see your ID? (Charlie hands Roy an Illinois Driver’s License with a picture of Charlie wearing an 19th century suit and mutton chops) I thought you were turned only a couple years ago?

 

CHARLIE: Yeah, it’s just that picture was taken on Halloween. (Roy sighs and grabs two Swisher Sweets and gives them to Charlie. Charlie hands over cash and he loads the till) Was that Roscoe who ran out the door a few minutes ago?

 

ROY: You know him?

 

CHARLIE: He’s one of my most loyal customers.

 

ROY: Hm.

 

CHARLIE: He’s also smart as fuck, dude, did you know Kennedy was killed by DreamWorks?

 

ROY: …Man, I’ll see you later, shit.

 

CHARLIE: A’ight, bro, I’ll catch you later. Peace in the Middle East.

 

(Charlie flashes the “peace” sign and walks out the automatic doors and into the parking lot. Jackie walks up to Roy)

 

JACKIE: You knew that guy?

 

ROY: Yeah, he’s my roommate’s dealer.

 

JACKIE: Oh shit, why’d you let him leave before I could talk to him?

 

ROY: Trust me, you don’t want that. He takes more than your money.

 

JACKIE: What? Does he take my virginity? ‘Cause it’s gone already.

 

ROY: That’s, not what I meant.

 

(Two police officers walked in)

 

OFFICER JOHNSTON: I’m Officer Johnston, this is Officer Williams, we received a 911 call?

 

ROY: Yeah, that was us.

 

JACKIE: Uh-huh.

 

OFFICER WILLIAMS: First thing’s first, just so we know who we’re dealing with, are you guys from Chicago?

 

ROY & JACKIE: Yes.

 

OFFICER JOHNSTON: Did you vote in the Mayoral election today?

 

ROY & JACKIE: Yes?

 

ROY: Why?

 

OFFICER JOHNSTON: Who’d you vote for?

 

JACKIE: (Concurrently with Roy) Bill Daley.

 

ROY: (Concurrently with Jackie) Lori Lightfoot- I mean Bill Daley.

 

OFFICER JOHNSTON: Okay, good, we can trust you.

 

OFFICER WILLIAMS: Can you describe the man you saw stealing your products?

 

ROY: Sure, he was quite short-

 

JACKIE: Like 3’4, and he had long strands of blonde hair-

 

ROY: White as a sheet.

 

JACKIE: Full set of straight, not fucked-up teeth.

 

ROY: Dressed head-to-toe in golden fleece.

 

JACKIE: He had Wario eyebrows.

 

ROY: Yeah. Like zig-zags, and they stretched off his face like a handlebar mustache.

 

JACKIE: Which he also has.

 

ROY: For sure.

 

OFFICER JOHNSTON: Sorry, we’re looking for an albino midget with long blonde hair, great teeth, Wario eyebrows, handlebar mustache, dressed in golden fleece?

 

ROY: Correct.

 

JACKIE: Yes, sir.

 

OFFICER WILLIAMS: Can we see your security cameras?

 

JACKIE: They haven’t worked since ’06, sir.

 

OFFICER WILLIAMS: That’s, bad. Fix that.

 

JACKIE: Absolutely.

 

OFFICER WILLIAMS: Alright. We’ll try to weed out this creep then.

 

OFFICER JOHNSTON: You said he was black, right?
 

ROY: No!

 

JACKIE: We said “white”, dude.

 

OFFICER JOHNSTON: Alright. Have a good one.

 

(The officers leave and Roy takes a deep breath)

 

ROY: Was the “Wario mustache” detail necessary?

 

JACKIE: I don’t want no random blonde midget getting picked up!

 

ROY: I don’t see many of those, Jackie.

 

(Deborah walks over)

 

DEBORAH: Did the officers already leave!?

 

ROY: Yeah, and I’m sure they’ll get the perp.

 

DEBORAH: You guys lied to them, didn’t you?

 

(Jackie shrugs)

 

JACKIE: That’s up to interpretation, really.

 

(Deborah groans irritably and walks away. Roy and Jackie smirk at each other. Cut to Roy and Jackie eating microwave meals in the break room)

 

ROY: So, how are you and Billy?

 

JACKIE: Don’t ask me about him.

 

ROY: Oh. Sorry. Things not going well?

 

JACKIE: I thought rising to the manager of a Walgreens would earn me some respect.

 

ROY: …From him, right?

 

JACKIE: Yeah, not from anyone else.

 

ROY: Bet. I guess you didn’t get that?

 

JACKIE: He don’t respect me at all.

 

ROY: I’m sorry.

 

JACKIE: It’s a’ight, I’m used to it. How is your love life?

 

ROY: What love life? (Sigh) My best friend had sex with my crush a few weeks ago.

 

JACKIE: The fuck?! Did you kick his ass?

 

ROY: I was super pissed at him, I still am, but I feel like…he’s recovering from, let’s say, addiction, so I’m supposed to be supportive or he could relapse.

 

JACKIE: What was he hooked on?

 

ROY: You know cocaine?

 

JACKIE: Y-yes, I’m aware of cocaine.

 

ROY: It’s like that, but thick, red and liquid.

 

JACKIE: Wha- what?

 

(Roscoe suddenly runs in, absent a shirt and now holding two big bags of chips)

 

ROSCOE: Ay! The fuzz are on my ass, I need some cash and a place to stay, preferably in that order.

 

(Roy and Jackie stand up)

 

ROY: Bro, you can’t be here, Deborah’s gonna call the pigs again-

 

ROSCOE: I ain’t scared of some pigs, I’ll throw down some slop and they’ll go bat shit.

 

JACKIE: You should be scared of some pigs, nigga, these dudes like Chicago PD but with more time on their hands! Get outta here before Deborah sees you!

 

ROSCOE: Yo, I’ll leave if one o’ y’all will give me yo’ address so I can hide?! They know where I live and it’s twenty-fo’ mothafuckin’ degrees out there!
 

(Roy and Jackie look at each other and then back at Roscoe)

 

ROY: I mean-

 

ROSCOE: Come on, yes or no, nigga!?

 

JACKIE: My boyfriend wouldn’t allow it.

 

ROY: N-neither would mine.

 

(Roscoe shakes his head)

 

ROSCOE: Man, fuck y’all niggas- you ain’t my friends.

 

(Deborah comes in)

 

DEBORAH: I called the police and told them what he REALLY looks like!
 

ROSCOE: Man, fuck y’all.

 

(Roscoe runs away)

 

ROY: Jackie?

 

JACKIE: Deborah, you’re fired.

 

(Deborah’s jaw drops)

 

DEBORAH: You’re gonna be hearing from my Uncle Tucker, you got it?!

 

JACKIE: Man, I could kick that Dennis the Menace-lookin’ ass nigga’s ass any damn day. Get outta here.

 

(Deborah huffs and stomps off. Cut to Roscoe walking through a nearly empty Walmart parking lot. A police car pulls in)

 

ROSCOE: Ah, shit.

 

(Roscoe begins to quickly walk away, until another cop car pulls in and an officer gets out, pointing a gun at the man)

 

OFFICER CLEMENTS: FREEZE!

 

(A black cop gets out of the other car with a gun pointed squarely at Roscoe)

 

OFFICER REYNOLDS: HANDS UP! BEHIND YOUR HEAD!

 

(Roscoe drops his stuff and puts his hands behind his head)

 

OFFICER CLEMENTS: This the guy?

 

OFFICER REYNOLDS: Looks that way.

 

OFFICER CLEMENTS: Well, shit. If we could just find that blonde midget, we’d meet our quota for perps this week. Cuff him.

 

(Officer Reynolds runs over and puts Roscoe in cuffs)

 

ROSCOE: Can y’all just admit you work for Michael Eisner?!

 

OFFICER REYNOLDS: You have the right to remain silent, anything you say or do can and will be held against you in the court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed to represent you.

 

(Cut to Roy counting the money in the till and closing the register)

 

ROY: It’s all good.

 

(Jackie walks over with the keys)

 

JACKIE: You alright?

 

ROY: I just feel bad. What if Roscoe gets picked up? Shit, they could kill him. I don’t imagine him going easily.

 

JACKIE: They might kill him even if he goes easily, Roy.

 

ROY: …You’re right.

 

JACKIE: Don’t blame yourself, he put you on the spot, he’s a stranger, and he’s more than a little fucked up in the head.

 

ROY: Yeah. I wish I could help him, though.

 

JACKIE: You can’t help everyone. Come on, we gotta lock up.

 

(Roy follows Jackie out the door. She locks the door and steps into the parking lot)

 

ROY: I’ll see you Thursday, right?

 

JACKIE: Yeah.

 

ROY: Cool. And hey- tell Billy he’s a punk.

 

(Jackie smirks)

 

JACKIE: Shit, he gon’ be scurrrred-

 

(Roy laughs)

 

ROY: It ain’t a threat, just a message.

 

JACKIE: Have a good night.

 

(Roy waves and both Jackie and Roy get in their cars and drive off. Cut to Roy sitting in his car, flipping through stations)

 

NPR: India has launched an airstrike into Pakistan, leading to increased tensions-

 

(Roy flips channel)

 

DJ: Welcome to WTMX-FM, THE MIX! We about to get some Ferg up in here-

 

ROY: Aw, shiiiit!

 

DJ: Right after this message from our sponsors!
 

ROY: Shit. (Roy turns the radio down as he notices police lights in his rear-view) Oh, fuck. (Roy pulls over immediately and gulps as the police officer stops behind him and gets out of his car) Oh, Dear Jesus, absolve me of all my sins, for I am sorry.

 

(Officer Meacham taps on the window and Roy rolls it down)

 

ROY: Good evening, officer, how are you?

 

OFFICER MEACHAM: Fine enough, could you step out of the car please?

 

(Roy becomes visibly nervous)

 

ROY: No problem. (Roy steps out of the vehicle and closes the door) Can I help you?

 

OFFICER MEACHAM: Where you headed?

 

ROY: Home.

 

OFFICER MEACHAM: Where’s that?

 

ROY: Hemlock Pines, near Northwestern.

 

OFFICER MEACHAM: Interesting. You steal anything tonight?

 

ROY: Just a girl’s heart! (Officer Meacham glares at him) Sorry, sir, I was just joshing.

 

OFFICER MEACHAM: Was it a white girl’s heart?!

 

ROY: No, sir, I was- it was a joke, I’m sorry, I didn’t steal anything!

 

OFFICER MEACHAM: We got a call from a concerned citizen who said they saw you and an African-American woman breaking into a Walgreen’s just a few minutes ago.

 

ROY: Oh, well, I work at the Walgreen’s, we were just locking up.

 

OFFICER MEACHAM: And how the hell am I supposed to believe that?

 

ROY: I’m- I’m wearing a Walgreen’s uniform.

 

OFFICER MEACHAM: What does that mean? You could’ve beaten up a Walgreen’s worker and stole their clothes, Scooby Doo-style.

 

ROY: Permission to take out my employee ID?

 

OFFICER MEACHAM: I’ll get it for you.

 

ROY: Oh. Yeah. Right pocket.

 

(Officer Meacham walks over, reaches into Roy’s right pocket and pulls out the employee ID with Roy’s smiling picture on there)

 

OFFICER MEACHAM: Looks like any other black guy to me.

 

ROY: Wha- Officer, that’s not just any other black guy, that’s me!
 

OFFICER MEACHAM: Gonna have to take you in.

 

(Roy sighs and Officer Meacham cuffs him. Cut to Roy being led down a hallway in cuffs. They arrive at a jail cell. The officer opens the cell, takes the cuffs of Roy and pushes Roy inside. He closes and locks the door behind him. Roy notices his cellmate is Roscoe)

 

ROY: Holy shit, Roscoe?

 

(Roscoe looks up)

 

ROSCOE: What’s going on, ya fuckin’ light-skin?

 

(Roy sits down)

 

ROY: I’m sorry you got picked up-

 

ROSCOE: Yo’ ass should be. You could let me stay wit’ you for a bit.

 

ROY: I would’ve had to check with my roommate first, man, I’m sorry.

 

ROSCOE: …Whatever. We in the same boat now.

 

(Roy turns away from Roscoe and looks past the bars, his face consumed with shame and fear. Cut to Oliver pulling up to the police station that night. Roy is waiting there and gets in)

 

OLIVER: What the hell happened?! Did they shoot you?

 

ROY: No, they didn’t- do I look shot to you right now?!

 

OLIVER: Decidedly not.

 

ROY: Some asshole called the cops on Jackie and me for “breaking in” to Walgreen’s-

 

OLIVER: Why were you breaking into Walgreen’s-

 

ROY: I WASN’T BREAKING INTO WALGREEN’S!
 

(Oliver puts his hands up)

 

OLIVER: Whoa, dude, I was just dicking around!
 

ROY: I know, I’m just- I’m pissed. Drive, please. Thanks for picking me up.

 

OLIVER: No problem.

 

(Oliver starts driving)

NPR: Senate Republicans are nervous, as there will be soon forced to vote “yes” or “no” on a resolution to revoke the emergency declaration President Trump issued to fund his border wall. There is little doubt that the revocation has enough votes to pass, even in the GOP-controlled Senate.

 

ROY: Can we put on something less, political?

 

OLIVER: I know what we can put on. (Oliver turns the radio all the way down) The soothing, comforting, sound of my voice.

 

ROY: No, that’s worse.

 

OLIVER: You have no idea what’s coming, dude, I’ve been talking to David, because I fear he may expose me as a vamp now that he has nothing to lose, and now we’ve agreed to meet so I can negotiate for his silence. I’m a fuckin’ mafioso here.

 

ROY: How?

 

OLIVER: I’m gonna bring spaghetti & meatballs wherever we end up meeting.

 

ROY: Is it gonna be, like, at a neutral location?

 

OLIVER: We haven’t decided yet. We’re negotiating on that right now. (Cut to Oliver and Roy on the couch at their apartment. Oliver’s looking at his phone) Bastard just offered we meet at a strip club!

 

ROY: What’s wrong with that?

 

OLIVER: That’s his natural environment!! I would be too nervous wondering what I should be doing with my hands!
 

ROY: I think you know.

 

OLIVER: That’s what he’s after. Get me off balance. What should be my counter-offer?

 

ROY: Where’s a place you feel comfortable?

 

OLIVER: Hell.

 

ROY: Besides that.

 

OLIVER: Ooh! I know. A combination record store-coffee shop.

 

(Cut to Roy on his bed throwing a ball towards the ceiling while Oliver hangs from the ceiling like a bat, looking at his phone)

 

ROY: What’d he say?

 

OLIVER: He countered with a hospital.

 

ROY: Hospital?

 

OLIVER: By his dying grandmother’s beside. Damn, this douche is good.

 

ROY: This is ridiculous. It needs to be a place you both hate.

 

OLIVER: I’VE GOT IT! (Cut to Oliver and Roy sitting at a table in some sort of comedy club. They both have beer before them) Ugh…I’m beginning to regret this.

 

ROY: What? It’s just an open mic.

 

(The organizer of the open mic gets on stage behind them)

 

ORGANIZER: Alright, first up, Colin Jessup!
 

(The organizer leaves and a blonde dude takes the microphone)

 

COLIN: What’s with all the pronouns people are demanding these days? Like, dude, I’m just trying to get my car washed! I don’t need to know what your ding-dong is like!
 

ROY: Nah, you right, this is awful.

 

OLIVER: See?!

 

COLIN: I support feminism, don’t get me wrong! But sometimes I think men get a bad rap, we built the pyramids and we have to hold your purses while you shop!

 

(Groans in the audience. David walks over with an old woman in tow)

 

DAVID: Well, well, well. (David sits down, as does the old woman) What’s up, Team Edward?

 

(David laughs and high-fives the old woman)

 

OLIVER: Nice. Who’s this-?

 

DAVID: I heard you’re vegetarian, and yet, no golden eyes! You a fuckin’ liar, bro?

 

OLIVER: How do you know that about-

 

DAVID: Whoa! Don’t imprint on me!
 

ROY: Seem to know a lot about Twilight, bro.

 

DAVID: Shut up! No, I was guessing.

 

OLIVER: Who is this?! Is this your grandmother, she doesn’t look like she’s dying to me.

 

DAVID: No, ass-wad, this bad bitch right here is our House-Mother, Ethel. Last one died of ecstasy after whipping a pledge, so her sister stepped in.

 

ETHEL: She died doing what she loved.

 

DAVID: She’s gonna be advising me.

 

ETHEL: I have some knowledge, from years of experience in hostage negotiation.

 

OLIVER: You were a cop?

 

ETHEL: No, I took a lot of hostages.

 

OLIVER: Holy shit.

 

DAVID: I wasn’t lying when I said “badass bitch”, huh?

 

ROY: I think she’s just “bad”-

 

DAVID: Let’s cut the shit. I know something you don’t want to get out. I have the leverage. So, this is my first offer, fucker. You leave town, and I don’t tell your dirty little secret.

 

OLIVER: First of all, don’t quote the All-American Rejects at me, because I’ll always have another quote at the ready-

 

 

DAVID: The who?

 

OLIVER: Not The Who, the All-American Rejects-

 

ROY: Getting off track, dude.

 

OLIVER: Sorry. SECONDLY! There’s no fuckin’ way I’m leaving town. I go to school here, I live here, that’s a non-starter.

 

DAVID: Wow, a “no” right out the gate. Maybe I’ll walk!

 

ETHEL: You should! This isn’t Trump-Kim Jong Un, sonny, this is India-Pakistan and we have a big nuke pointed your way!
 

OLIVER: Listen, I get your kind have trouble taking “no” for an answer-

 

DAVID: Fuck you!
 

OLIVER: But if you want any chance of getting Naomi back, you better stay here and talk.

 

(David sits back)

 

DAVID: …Fine. What’s your offer, Shine?

 

OLIVER: You leave town and I stay!
 

DAVID: Are you fucking kidding me!?

 

ROY: Yo, bro, dial it back.

 

OLIVER: Alright, fine, David, what’s YOUR counter-offer?

 

DAVID: I’ll tell you what it is! (David takes out a small vial with a beetle in it and places it upon the table) You gotta do the beetle challenge!
 

ETHEL: Oh, this’ll be a pick-me-up!

 

OLIVER: I gotta eat this and you won’t tell anyone about my vampirism?

 

DAVID: Yeah, if a pledge can do it, you can do it!
 

OLIVER: Fine!

 

(Oliver reaches for the vial, but David takes it away)

 

DAVID: WHOA! Offer RETRACTED! Hold up, gotta confer with Ethel.

 

(David and Ethel start whispering to one another)

 

OLIVER: Us too. (Oliver turns to Roy and begins whispering) What should our next move be?

 

ROY: We should offer something that he might think gives him a chance with Naomi, but really, he’ll just be making an ass of himself.

 

OLIVER: Oh, that’s good. Can we make him wear a tutu?

 

ROY: Wha- bro, are we fifteen?

 

OLIVER: It’ll just get ‘em so good!

 

(David and Ethel turn back to Roy and Oliver, and Roy and Oliver turn back to them)

 

DAVID: Okay, we got a sick idea we think you’ll really like.

 

ETHEL: Tell ‘em, David.

 

DAVID: You do something really psychotic to Naomi- like you stalk her or cyber-bully her, maybe steal all of her underwear and sell them to the student body-

 

OLIVER: What? The fuck?

 

DAVID: THEN, I can swoop in and comfort her. Deal?

 

OLIVER: No! Of course not!

 

ROY: Dude, get serious.

 

DAVID: I AM serious! There’s no way I buckle without a chance at Naomi.

 

OLIVER: First of all, we should acknowledge that whether Naomi likes you or not is COMPLETELY up to her-

 

DAVID: Debatable.

 

OLIVER: No! Second of all, you want a chance at Naomi? I got one for you.

 

ROY: You’re gonna record a dope-ass love song for her.

 

OLIVER: And we’re gonna help you. Roy’s black, so he has connections in the music industry.

 

ROY: Man, that’s fucked up. But it also happens to be true.

 

DAVID: …You think this would work?

 

OLIVER: That’s up to you.

 

DAVID: But, I’m a bad writer, one time I was assigned to write a haiku, and I just plagiarized the fourteen words.

 

OLIVER: Jesus, you are a terrible person!
 

ETHEL: Oh, hush up, snowflake, it was “because the beauty of the white aryan woman shall not perish from the Earth”, not the other fourteen words.

 

DAVID: See? Feminist as fuck.

 

OLIVER: No! It’s not! Look, we can help you write it.
 

ROY: Now please agree to this before we change our minds.

 

(David looks at Ethel)

 

ETHEL: …You know how I feel about urban music.

 

DAVID: I know. You only like it if a white person sings it.

 

ETHEL: So, I say “go for it”, honey bun.

 

DAVID: It’s a deal.

 

(David shakes hands with Oliver and then Roy. Ethel shakes hands with Oliver, but then waves off Roy’s hand)

 

ROY: Oh, come on!
 

ETHEL: I didn’t hear you wash your hands when you came out of the bathroom!
 

ROY: Relax, I just pissed!

 

(Cut back to Colin on stage)

 

COLIN: Anyway, I’ll leave you with this; Andrew Yang for President, guys! Thanks and have a great night!

 

(Cut to a music studio in Chicago called Soundscape. David is in the booth, wearing headphones, while Roy, Oliver and Roy’s burly black cousin stand at the sound board with headphones of their own. Ethel is sitting in the back, smoking a blunt)

 

DAVID: You guys ready?

 

OLIVER: Yeah, man, remember, exactly as we wrote it.

 

ROY’S COUSIN: Who the fuck is this dude again, Roy?

 

ROY: Oh, Darius, this is David. He’s cool.

 

DARIUS: He don’t seem like it.

 

ROY: Yeah, he’s not. You ready, David?

 

DAVID: Ready as rain. Pussy rain, that is.

 

OLIVER: David, we haven’t started recording yet.

 

DAVID: Oh, my bad. (Darius gives a countdown and press record. A generic trap, R&B instrumental starts playing and David starts singing) Naomi, I know you ready as rain. Pussy rain, that is. Oooooh, I want your body so baaaaad, oh, I’ll never forget the times we haaaad…Ooooohhh…your sex is like my favorite thing…better than Forza motorsport or chicken wings-

 

DARIUS: Forza Motorsport?

 

(Oliver and Roy are trying to hold in laughter. Cut to Naomi running on a treadmill at the gym listening to a podcast on her phone)

 

PODCAST HOST: After the break on Lady Sports Talk, we’ll talk about our March Madness picks. Fair warning, we were sloshed on Mimosas when we picked these. First, a word from our sponsor, the new conglomerate Squarespace-MeUndies-Dollar Shave Club.

 

(Naomi gets a message from David with a link. She splits her legs over the treadmill and checks the link to a private YouTube video entitled “Naomi, My Only (feat. Ke$ha (sample))” She begins listening to it)

 

NAOMI: …Oh, you’ve gotta be fucking kidding me.

 

(A man in a muscle tee walks over to Naomi with a gym bag)

 

MAN: Hey, if you’re not gonna use that, can I?

 

(Naomi takes out one of her headphones)

 

NAOMI: I hate men right now, so I wouldn’t talk to me if I were you.

 

(Cut to Oliver and Roy sitting in the comedy club again. A female comedian is on stage)

 

FEMALE COMEDIAN: My sex life could be described as uneventful, but that being said, I have sex like four times a week. (Laughter) It’s just, nothing really happens.

 

OLIVER: She’s funny.

 

ROY: Yeah.

 

OLIVER: What do you think her blood type is?

 

ROY: Dude. Why you gotta ruin everything like that?

 

OLIVER: I’m just saying, does she seem like more of a B positive or O positive?

 

(Roy gets a Snapchat from Melissa- it’s a video of a frat boy getting head from a girl in a ball pit. The caption reads “they stole this from a mcdonalds!!!” with a crying emoji)

 

ROY: Damn. How long’s this gonna take? I kinda want to go to this party Melissa’s at.

 

OLIVER: We just gotta make sure David’s not reneging on the deal.

 

(David and Ethel storm in and sit down across from them. David slams his phone on the table)

 

DAVID: Fuck is this!?

 

(Oliver looks at David’s phone. A text from Naomi, in response to the song is, “fuck off and never message me again”)

 

OLIVER: Ouch. Tough break.

 

ROY: Yeah, sorry, man, thought that’d work.

 

DAVID: No you didn’t! (David scoops up his phone) You fucks sabotaged me! That beat was garbage!
 

ETHEL: That was the only thing wrong, I should’ve said something!
 

ROY: Dude, we didn’t even produce the beat.

 

DAVID: Oh, but I bet you told Darius to fuck it up for me, huh?!

 

ROY: No!

 

DAVID: WE LEFT A KICK-ASS PARTY FOR THIS, YOU KNOW! And we don’t have time for your excuses! Your secret’s coming out, fucker!

 

OLIVER: You can’t do that, Brock Turner! We had a deal!

 

DAVID: First of all, I swim WAY better than Brock Turner!
 

OLIVER: Wow.

 

DAVID: Second of all, this is what I think of your deal!

 

(David lifts up his leg and starts pushing)

 

ROY: Oh, come on.

 

(He keeps pushing)

 

OLIVER: Dude, you clearly don’t need to fart. (David farts) Never mind. Nice one, bud.

 

DAVID: Nah, man, I couldn’t get anything out.

 

OLIVER: You were trying to shit yourself?!

 

ETHEL: That’s what YOU’LL be doing, once your secret’s out, young man! (Roy gets a Snapchat from Melissa- it shows Ethel singing “Nigga Nigga Nigga” by Gangsta Rap at a frat party- with the caption “at least you missed this bish”) “Nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga! Why do police hate niggas?! Nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, NIGGA! ‘Cause our dicks are BIGGER!”

 

ROY: You sure about that?

 

(Roy shows them the video of Ethel singing the offensive song)

 

DAVID: Oh, shit.

 

(David grabs at the phone, but Roy pulls it back)

 

OLIVER: Say ONE thing and this gets sent to the local news.

 

DAVID: …Fuck. We’ll get shut down.

 

ETHEL: You win this round, Jew boy.

 

OLIVER: What?!
 

ETHEL: That’s your secret, right?
 

DAVID: Let’s go, Ethel.

 

(David and Ethel leave in a huff. Roy and Oliver bro-hug and sit down)

 

OLIVER: Remind me to thank Melissa.

 

ROY: I guess I don’t want to go to that party now. Shit! (Roy puts his phone away) I really like Melissa, but shit keeps getting in the way.

 

OLIVER: …Yeah, I feel partly responsible for that.

 

ROY: Partly!?

 

OLIVER: You’ve had a rough time, as of late.

 

ROY: Yeah, no shit. I was in jail Monday night.

 

OLIVER: Sorry about that.

 

(Roy sighs)

 

ROY: It’s not your fault. Well, it’s not YOUR fault, specifically, just some racist-ass white person.

 

OLIVER: So it’s my race’s fault?

 

ROY: Yeah.

 

(Oliver nods. Cut to Charlie driving his car at night. A chyron reads “48 hours earlier”. He’s listening to OutKast’s “Ms. Jackson” as he pulls up to a dorm hall and gets out to meet some freshman)’

 

FRESHMAN: Hey, man, thanks for meeting me on short notice.

 

(The Freshman hands him money and Charlie hands the freshman a baggie of Adderall)

 

CHARLIE: No problem, little dude, that addy’s fresh.

 

FRESHMAN: Do you have any more? My girlfriend has a test coming up, too.

 

CHARLIE: Nah, man, way too much demand now that midterms are coming up. You’re like my seventh customer today.

 

FRESHMAN: And your favorite, right?
 

CHARLIE: Yeah, dude! Except for my sensei, that guy’s a god.

 

FRESHMAN: Alright, I’ll catch you later.

 

CHARLIE: Peace.

 

(Charlie bumps fists with the freshman and gets in his car. Cut to Charlie pulling up to the second window at Second Window. Some stoner in an Eyes Wide Shut robe and mask leans out of the window holding a bag of food with a drink)

 

SECOND WINDOW EMPLOYEE: Charlie!? (He lifts up the mask) What’s up, dude!?

 

CHARLIE: Hey, Gavin. You got my shit?

 

GAVIN: Yeah, dude, here’s your “Discreet Charm of the Bouillabaisse” and, large cup of chicken’s blood? We don’t really have a clever name for that, kind of a specialty order.

 

CHARLIE: Yeah. (Charlie takes the food and drink and hands Gavin money) What can I say? I got the munchies for soup and blood.

 

GAVIN: I feel ya, man. (Gavin starts counting Charlie’s money) Hey, you hear that Roscoe got picked up?

 

CHARLIE: No shit?
 

GAVIN: Yeah! Some narc at Walgreen’s tipped off the pigs.

 

CHARLIE: Shit. He’s my biggest customer. Roy works there, right?

 

GAVIN: Yeah. You think it was him?

 

(Gavin hands Charlie his change)

 

CHARLIE: Do I think the guy who’s holding back Oliver’s dragon energy is capable of narcing? You bet your ass.

 

GAVIN: Cool, man. Yo, do you have any addy?

 

CHARLIE: I’ll catch you, dude. (Charlie drives away, to Gavin’s disappointment. Cut to Charlie driving by the Walgreens. He sees Roy and Jackie locking up. He pulls out his phone and dials 911) Hey? This is a fat, rich white lady named Cherri. There’s two blacks robbing a Walgreens on Dodge Avenue. Send help, before I drop my mimosa from fear.

 

(Charlie smiles and hangs up. Cut to Roscoe sitting alone in his cell. Officer Reynolds walks up to Roscoe’s cell and opens it)

 

OFFICER REYNOLDS: Let’s go, Roscoe. Your bail got posted.

 

ROSCOE: …Shit, really?

 

(Cut to Roscoe walking outside the police station and finding Charlie leaning against a car)

 

CHARLIE: How’s my favorite customer?

 

ROSCOE: How’d you hear, man? Where’d you get the dough?

 

CHARLIE: I invest in Bitcoin. Get in. (Charlie gets in his car and Roscoe joins him on the passenger side) Roy did this to you.

 

ROSCOE: You think I don’t know that?

 

CHARLIE: You wanna get payback?

 

ROSCOE: Fuckin’ A.

 

(Charlie and Roscoe bump fists. Cut back to the open mic, where Roy and Oliver sit and talk)

 

ROY: It’s whatever, though. I’m good. But what about Roscoe?

 

(Oliver shrugs)

 

OLIVER: Who knows?
 

FEMALE COMEDIAN: I’ve been Stacey Mulligan everyone, good night!
 

(The audience applauds as Stacey walks off stage. The organizer takes the mic)

 

ORGANIZER: Next up, we have Colton Ludic! Colton Ludic, everybody!
 

(There’s applause as Colton Ludic, a tall dude with a ponytail and glasses, takes the stage)

 

COLTON: Hi, everybody, I’ve never really done stand-up before, but I always try anything once. Except meth, that seems a little too hardcore. Really, at the end of the day, I have an addiction to creating content. (Colton holds up a card with his social media on it- “YouTube: Colton Ludic, Facebook: Colton Ludic, Instagram: SuperColton97, Twitter: @supercolton1997”) Follow me if you want a peak at the cutting edge.

 

OLIVER: I don’t know who this guy is, but I hate him.

 

ROY: Me too.

 

(Cut to black)

 

THE END


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