My Diary of Depression

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
I suffer with depression. This is my thoughts on paper.

Submitted: March 23, 2019

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Submitted: March 23, 2019

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My Diary Of Depression

 

(3-14-19)

Mom chose to have four kids. When she can’t take care of us emotionally or physically, we are the ones who suffer for her decision of having all of us. She should’ve just not had me. I’d be better off dead. Better off in heaven, where there is no sin or pain. Why can’t I just be dead? Everything would be better. For everyone. I could actually get love and attention, and I wouldn’t just be another person. Nobody cares. Except Claire. She cares. I matter to her. Claire, Lauren, Taylor, Tye, Grammy and Papaw, Jeannie, Corey, Jack, Zane, Haiden, and the Greenlaws. That’s why I live. That’s why I’m not dead yet. Because if I was, their lives would  be ruined forever. I couldn’t do that to them. So I have to live. For them.

I just wish they could see. I just wish they could understand. But they don’t. No one does. Everyone thinks of me as a happy, positive little girl with the perfect life. But I don’t. I hardly get attention. I’m just there for the chores. Just there. A burden.

 

(3-19-19)

I feel so apart from Claire. I really feel like dying. I just don’t want to live. Why should I live? Who would miss me? Would Claire? She is frustrated me. I’m scared that she might turn out like Savannah. That I will lose her like I lost my relationship with Sav. I can’t lose her too. I just can’t. She says to trust her, but can I? I’ve trusted so many people and every single person turned around and betrayed me. Whenever things started to go bad I was left behind. I was just there. (Little Do You Know-Alex and Sierra) Who would care if I died? I don’t think anything would really change. I would be in Heaven-no sadness or pain. Everything would be perfect. In Heaven do you miss people? Would I miss Claire? Sav? Joel? I really don’t know. Would they miss me? Again, I really don’t know. I can’t bear to be broken again. Not again. I was broken last night. Cried for hours. Couldn’t stop. I don’t want my and Claire’s relationship to be at risk but how am I gonna see her today when I feel so apart from her? We were so close. But she is frustrated with me. Living Science isn’t fair to her.

She gets hardly any sleep, even when she is sick. She forgets to eat, and doesn’t sleep. That was how it all started with Sav. She promised me she would be ok. That everything would be fine. But will it? I don’t know. No one knows. Hopefully everything will turn out fine. I hope Claire is right and I can trust her.

All it takes is a smile. No one knows. I tell everyone I’m fine but deep inside I’m thinking of all the ways I’m not fine. Anxiety, depression, self-harm thoughts, death. But just one smile, and they believe you. I don’t blame them. They can’t read my mind or my emotions. No one can. But I just wish someone would see and give me a hug and tell me everything would be fine. I wish someone knew that it was a journey and not just once but always encourage and support me, always knowing something is wrong. I want everyone to stop acting like everything is fine.


 

Well, I just told Claire. She has supported me so far, and I knew I needed to tell someone. I just want someone to know. Someone I trust. I trust her completely. She needed to know. She is supportive and encouraging, and actually cares and loves me. She doesn’t push me and doesn’t act any differently around me. I’ve lost so many friends when things got hard it feels good to tell her and not lose our friendship for once. I just told Lauren too. She promised she wouldn’t leave me. I hope she doesn’t. She just told me she would die without me. I don’t know if that’s true but it’s encouraging either way.

I hope I didn’t make a mistake. Lauren has been asking people to pray for me, and I’m guessing Claire has too. Just told Joel. He apparently isn’t very supportive. He told me that part of life is being happy and cheerful for other people even when you’re having a bad day. I regret telling him now, because he just made things worse.

 

(3-21-19)

What is depression? What does it feel like? Well, I know first hand. It doesn’t just feel like sadness. It feels like I’m drowning and I have to listen to everyone else have fun while they are oblivious to me dying inside. I go everywhere and no one knows. No one cares. Because everyone is focused on their own problems. Not somebody else’s.

 

(3-22-19)

Laurel is everyone’s favorite child. I don’t hate her, but I am jealous of the attention she gets. I’m just in the background. Oh Laurel doesn’t want to watch that movie? We won’t watch it. Oh it might possibly maybe make Laurel a little scared or Chloe a little scared? Definitely not watching that. They don’t care if I want to watch an action movie. We never get to watch action movies. Like, ever. Savannah and Joel are too busy with work and school and Laurel only likes all the movies I don’t like. I wish I got some attention.

I wish someone in my family cared.

 

(3-23-19)

Why do they have to crush my dreams? They get me all excited for something, and then they just change their minds. I’m alone. My friends don’t know what it’s like, my family pretends they understand, but that just makes it worse. Because they don’t. They act like everything is fine. But it’s not. I WANT to die. How is that fine? I’m alone. My counselor thinks she cares, but she doesn’t. It’s just part of her job. My family thinks that making me hang out with people will make me better. But again, it just makes things worse. They tell me not to have an attitude, but now I can’t even be excited for anything because they always change their plans. They don’t care. I’ve been telling myself they did. But they don’t. I wish someone out there cared. I wish someone out there actually understood, and instead of telling me everything would be fine (false info) they would tell me they understood.

I walk around, do my activities and no one knows. They treat me the same way, whether it be kicking me to the curb, or destroying my self confidence.

 


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