Feeling

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic
The feeling that I have longed to understand. Now i gaze upon my judgment that was once upon the time and understand the reality I never did.

Submitted: April 21, 2019

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Submitted: April 21, 2019

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I was alone in my room. It was 12am just finished with all my school and graduated from first year of College.It was dark, only sound I was hearing are my fans inside my computer I left on running from watching a movie. I realized that once upon a time I have judged my father for drinking all the time. He was a no good man who was mean to his family. It has been over 10 years now since I last seen him. I was still a kid back then not knowing what life really was. Now i have grow up. Not entierly only my age is saying I am an adult. However, since then I realized life isnt as easy as it was then. Now i understand why my father was drinking. The feeling of numbness in my body after drinking. The feeling once you upon your eyes and your mind goes blank.  When you brush your face with your hand. It feels like someone else is touching you. The feeling of loneliness and chaos of life dissapears as you try to get up and you find yourself spinning around the room. Am I the one spinning? Or is it the world that is spinning? I reach my arm out and grab the bookself to hold myself. I lift my leg up and takes my first step. As I look around I find myself staring into the blank space. I don't know how long have I been staring or how much time have passed but I was just staring blankly into the corner. I take another step and look outside of the window. Holding myself up on the frames. I feel like I would collaps otherwise. I look high upon the sky longly searching for stars. A feeling of loneliness and sadness burst out of me and I try my hardest to hold back the tears as I find none. I say it out loud "Oh yea, I am in the city." A moment of realization longing for those stars. Wondering when I would be able to see them again. Its been a decade sicne I last seen the sky filled with them. You cannot find them in the city. The lights all around scares them away. All you see is the dark sky where dreams seemed to die. I remember looking up on the sky and wherever i looked a star would be around lighting my way to home, lighting up steerts with no light. Scaring away the bad thoughts that were creeping up in my mind. A warm tear has rolled down on my cheek and I zap away from my thought. I have started crying. My heart is aching longing to see those stars again. I turn around holding my back to the wall. Trying to forget the feeling. I take another step forward looking down on the floor and wondering what it would feel like to lay my back on it. I let my body collaps and find comfort on the cold floor. I curl up and realize I am at comfort. The floor feels rough against my skin and cold. However, it wasn't bothering me I was happy. I reach my hand out high and trying to keep it straight. My body still feels numb like tiny ants would be giving me massages. The feeling of unsure if I could continue holding up my arm let's it collaps on me. My hand hits my chest. I feel it but it isn't hurting. I turn back and hug my leg close to me. I wonder why I did it. Why am I abusing my body to get to this point. Why am I wishing to not feel like anything. In the dark room crawled up on the cold floor. I rach up into my bed and pull down my blanket. It feels so soft against my skin, and warm. I nuzzle up to it and find myself feeling like I was touching silk. It was smooth and comfortable. It was 3 am now and I found my mind blanked out the last I remembered was laying on the floor.


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