Broken Memories

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic


I was a mother to young and made mistakes I will regret for the rest of my life.

Chapter 20 (v.1) - My Daughter, My Friend

Submitted: July 11, 2019

Reads: 12

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Submitted: July 11, 2019

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I was 16 going on 17 when I was pregnant. I can't tell anyone who the father was because of family obligations that I have. In any case, in the new foster home, my foster was both our foster parent. I was a real problem, and it prevented me from having rights to my daughter even if I had legal rights to her. I was too complicated for me mentally. The only thing it did for me as a teenager, it gave me the freedom to get a job and hang out with my new friends. It was the downfall as a mother. I did have a good repor with my foster mother we use to go out and be pool partners, and she once said I was a natural.

We would go to restaurants with my daughter and eat lots of good food. We would go camping and swimming at different lakes it was a lot of fun, for sure. I went to a school at first and got my G ed. it made it easier to get jobs. It was a happy home I have to admit for myself and my daughter. I planted trees for my foster mom ras yard and mad a water line to water the trees in the back. I helped her around the house as much as I could. I even did dishes when she had no one to help. My foster sister and brother were ok, and we didn't talk too much. I don't think we ever got close. They were older teens and kept to themselves.

I don't think they ever had a feeling for me, not love or hate. Which was ok, the only time I did slap her daughter in the face to be sassy to her mom. I felt like crap after I did it was like my body had an impulse to do it. I don't remember if I ever apologized. I suppose if I did, she might have talked to me more. When I think of it, I don't know much about them. I know I remember an incident about my foster brother's friend that was going to the army the next day. He had stayed overnight. That night he snuck in my fosters mothers room and climbed on the bed and tried to have sex with me. I knocked him out of bed. My foster brother must have heard the thud because he opened his bedroom door. His friend hid on the floor until my foster closed the door.

The friend left the room I was in and went back into my foster brother's room. I found out years later he had gone to the hospital and told my foster mother he had sex with me. That did piss me off when someone told me. My foster mom got sick. She found out she had some cancer that is a slow death one. It may go in remission for a long time but would come back. I wish I could remember what it was, and it was a long time ago. She was in the hospital a lot, and sometimes I went with her to treatments. I don't remember too much about it. I know she did get better for a long time. She just did what she did usually work and have fun, and I imagine the worse thing she delt was with me. I became afraid of getting too close to her; I just knew she was going to die, and I just wanted to run away from it.

I think I became distant from her and my daughter. I knew I loved them with my whole heart, but I had it in my head that everyone was going to die that I loved. I started going out with my friend more getting drunk or high of smoking pot. I even went out of town like Milwaukee for music new bars. I met a woman there I was attracted too but never really got together with them. The one person I did was just a fling well actually had two flings. It was a way not to get to close to anyone. I hung out and stayed away for a long time. I would come home and noticed I was not the mom I should be. I got depressed and wanted to off myself.

I thought maybe if I leave with my daughter and live somewhere else, I would feel better. Well, it didn't. My foster mother decided I had no rights to take her. I moved away anyway. That was my first regret. If I could have, I probably wouldn't have lost her. It worked out for a while, but it flopped too. I had a good job I did well, but I started feeling depressed again. I missed my daughter, and I started having time laps even then. I ended up at my foster mom's house back. One day I sat crying in my foster sister's bed crying. When my foster sister came home, she got her mom and told her I was in her room. She came back and talked me out of her daughter's room. I don't remember seeing my daughter.

My foster mom made some phone calls to some people that would try to help me. It was what I call a nut house. I went there, and they found bullets in my pocket, I had no idea why they were in my pocket. I spent months there talking about my past and other things I can't remember. They finally let me out. Unfortunately for me, it was a short time. I went and got drunk at a bar and went home with some guy he wanted to have sex and started to undress me I freaked out and ran out the door, and I walked back to the nut house by this time I don't think anyone thought I would make a good mother. That was the total breakdown of my mind.

My foster mother came to the nut house they had drugged me every day with some medicine took away my emotions. I saw the paper they handed me but couldn't read it. It was papers to stop me from being her mom, where my foster mom let her adopt my daughter. I didn't find out till after I was released from the nut house when I had no drugs in me. My daughter was three years old at the time. Once I learned that she was not mine anymore, I was devastated and knew I had to leave. My foster mother, I could no longer stay with her that I could go live with her mom far far away. The last time I saw my daughter at that age, she was looking out the back car window of the car. 

I could hear her crying for me, "Mommy, mommy." 

Tears were rolling down her cheeks. I could feel the tears dripping down my face, and I couldn't believe this was happening to me.  I did move around a lot after that. I never settled down to long. I would meet other women but was never happy. I seemed to drift away. I still never wanted to get close. My daughter visited me for a while. When she turned around 8 or 9, My foster mom asked me not t  come and visit anymore. She did allow me to go there once to paint something at her house, but my daughter now a teenager at high school was at school. I did have a litter of pups with me and offered on to her, of course, she declined. She had been married for some time she had a stepson; he was a little older than my daughter. Her other kids had grown up her daughter was in college was becoming a psychologist, I believe. Her son was married and had a child at the time. I finished up the job, and of course, I had to leave before my daughter came home from school. It was so depressing going without seeing her, but I had to follow the rules.

I wouldn't see her again till she was 18 and drove to where I lived. We met at a restaurant. It was beautiful to see her. We sat and chatted for a while about this and that. When she left, I felt sad and happy. I was so glad she came to me. It was so hard being controlled by laws. She took the first step, and I was thrilled she had. I don't remember her coming to see me till she was married and had a baby girl. She had come to the town I had lived the first time she came to visit. At the time, I was living with a woman. Oh, my granddaughter was beautiful. I held her for a while as my daughter held the small dog that I had. She laughed at my dog. My dog was a tiny poodle, an old dog. My dog had lost some teeth, and her tongue hung out her mouth. Honestly, it was funny, She would wag her little tail, and her tongue went with it. My daughter told me her husband, and she worked at the cheese factory. I thought that was pretty cool, and I would love working there. I love cheese. My daughter and husband and granddaughter stayed for a little bit and had to go to work. I hugged them all after I gave my daughter back. It was so good to see them. I had moved to Alaska for awhile again; it was beautiful there. I learned Ti Qwan Do. I became a third-degree black belt.

I taught some kids and women self-defense. Eventually, we moved back to Wisconsin. The woman I was with had left me for another woman. I was messed up at the time had a bad seizure, stayed in a nursing home before we came back to Wisconsin. My sister tried to get me home, but my x never told them where I was. I soon was kicked out of the nursing home because I got them angry for neglecting there patients. I stayed at a halfway house for a while. Then took off again for another city. I would stroll around in my wheelchair went to visit my x a couple of times when things didn't work out for me. I left back to Wisconsin. Told yah I moved around a lot. Sorry, have to laugh at that one. I ran into the town my daughter lived in first. It was great to see my daughter again.

My granddaughter was younger but not a baby she was around 7 or 8 I think. She had beautiful curly long hair. I would go on walks with her to collect rocks play in a play area for kids. It was so lovely to see her so much. My daughter was happy as far as I could tell. She never let me know otherwise. It was so beautiful to know her to visit her so often. We had barbeques, and her husband was very nice to me and polite. My daughter and would go out on the small porch to smoke and talk about anything going on it was beautiful to me when I went home I was thrilled. I did decide to move to my sister's town. I could tell her husband didn't like her seeing so much. It was tough for me to leave there. I would miss my granddaughter and daughter a great deal.

My sister and daughter helped me move into my new apartment only a half a mile from her house. Which was nice so I could visit her at any time. My daughter kept my Cheokoe in her basement the whole time I lived there, and junior lived with me. They both had a wonderful time together when I moved to my new apartment. Yes, I was so involved in telling you about my daughter. I forgot to mention about my cats. They were adorable as always. They loved my daughter's visits and my granddaughter's visits. We still spent time together a lot, and it was always sad when they would leave. I missed them allot. After about a year, I moved back home with my sister. She let me have the upstairs room. Which was cool , I had lots of room for what stuff I had.

My daughter would come to visit there almost every month. We again would smoke and talk. This time my granddaughter and her mom would hug me before she left. I did remember the day she called me and told me her husband had died. God, it was awful; there was a lot of family drama that went on between my daughter and their parents. It was sad because it wasn't my daughter's fault. Things that went on had disappeared in my daughter's mind. I believe that was a way to protect herself from the pain of losing. Time had passed, and they came to visit me as often as they could. My granddaughter came to visit, and we would go for walks to a school area where she would go the back and meet new kids and swing on swings and goof around. We would also walk to the gas station and get a soda and junk food. We would bring some stuff home for my sister and joe to eat as a snack.

My daughter would hang around my sister and me as I played on my computer. I was shameless to leave them alone when I should be with them. I would come out and talk with them for a while before my daughter would go home. My granddaughter would often stay overnight. She wanted to sleep with me on my twin bed that was just funny considering she was getting as tall as me. Her feet would end up in my back. I would roll over and land on them, waking us both up. She would draw me pictures, and I still have them till this day. With my daughter and I, even after all these years apart, we always really loved each other. I was so grateful to God for bringing us back together. My granddaughter grew up right before my eyes. My daughter dating was something I don't remember..

She was working hard raising her daughter. Then one day, I found out I was going to be a great, great grandma. I tried not to faint. Time was going by so fast these days seems like yesterday. I met her boyfriend when she came to visit me. I thought he was cute. I was wrong; they broke up. So my daughter helped her raise her daughter, and now she seemed to have to work longer. The visits got shorter to this day, and I guess having kids slows your life down and cost a lot of money. My granddaughter and her mom seemed to get along, but I never knew for sure. I talked to them on the computer now. That's how I found out I was going to be a great, great grandma. It is funny when I think of it how the wheels turn around back to me. My life has brought me back to where I belonged. I am hoping they will come to visit me soon, and I miss them so much. When I do talk to her on the internet, I always tell her I love her forever and always. She says she loves me, or she loves me more.


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