My Pain

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
A peak behind the the pain in my life, and how it affects me

Submitted: May 25, 2019

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Submitted: May 25, 2019

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I have been in pain for so long, and I never understood how people could never see it. Especially the people closest to me. I was always screaming for someone to help me on the inside, and no one ever came. And now there is a large swell of emotions inside of me with no way to escape. The closer I get to graduation the more scared I am, the more confused. I do not know what to do, or how to feel. I know I still have a long life to live, but honestly do not want to live it. More than anything I want to give up. I do not want the life that was given to me. I hate myself.

 

My pain is mental, but it feels physical. I do stupid stuff to hurt myself. I like to starve myself, until I feel like I am going to faint from exhaustion. I enjoy doing that to myself. But what I fear, most of all, is the say that this is not strong enough to calm. The day I will have to do something more severe. But honestly I kinda smile to think of it. I wonder how everyone will react to see those marks on my arms. Just a second in my messed up mind, but maybe I will go a little deeper. Sometimes I imagine what would happen if I just ended it all. Let everything go. I think of how I would do it, and how would I tell the people I love that I am sorry. Even worst sometimes I imagine telling certain individuals who I opened up to that it was their fault, because they did not help me when I needed them most. And even sicker sometimes I imagine leaving without saying anything;leaving everyone completely clueless, wondering why.

 

After thinking such thoughts, I always feel terrible and try to be happier. And it works for awhile but then it all comes crashing down on me. I feel like my thoughts and emotions are suffocating me. Sometimes I silently cry myself to sleep, because the pain I feel is so bad. I do not know what to do with everything. I am hurting, and I do not know how to get help even though I desperately want it.  I think that might be why I told some people the truth. I wanted them to get me help, because I was not strong enough to get it myself. But one by one they all failed me, and abandoned me. This all caused the hole in my chest to grow, and my emotions to grow to such a large confusing swell. I do not know what to do to get rid of this pain. And each day it grows and consumes me little by little.

 

I am alone with it, and I do not have the strength to run from it. Nor the courage. I am alone and scared. I wonder if I will ever get away from it. Sometimes I laugh at myself when I think that, because honestly it was there for so long that I can not even see myself without it. To be completely honest it has already won, and consumed me. I will never get away. This is me. Pain is all I have. Pain is all I am.

 


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