the darkness

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Young Adult  |  House: Booksie Classic
an average girl that seems to be perfect and have no problems in the world has a friend to tell her otherwise that lives with her forever.

Submitted: June 02, 2019

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Submitted: June 02, 2019

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The Darkness

By Samara Helton

You get to this place in your life where everything is perfect. Life is great, everything is great. Like take me for instance, I have a nice family, a roof over my head, a very nice boyfriend, a great education, and a decent amount of friends. Everything for me seems so perfect, on paper. Yes I do live pretty nice and I am very grateful for that. For some reason a part of me just cannot except how well my life is.

A part of me constantly takes me to this dark place. This place is a very scary place. The first time it took me there I definitely didn’t think I’d make it back. I felt lost, stuck, hopeless. Like there was just no coming back from such a dark place. It’s kind of funny because you wouldn’t have ever thought I would be the one. Isn’t that what everyone thinks though. Such as when someone gets kidnapped they never would of thought it could ever happen to them and everyone around that victim never would’ve thought it either. Then it happens and everyone else is scared for their own well being.

I’m one of those people who had a permanent smile, and always laughing. I would laugh when I’m yelling at someone, crying, or just trying to be serious. I was just one of those happy people. Notice the past tense words I used. I feel like I’ve always had this little person on my shoulder. This little thing was pitch black but I had never paid any attention to it. Every once in awhile it used to tell me about itself. It was always at night though when everyone was asleep and I was all alone. It would teach me things. It taught me fear, sadness, and loneliness. Having those skills I thought yeah okay I have them for no reason. I’d think when and why would I ever use them? Over the years as I got older so did that pitch black thing with me.

As we grew so did those skills, with new ways to feel them and even brand new skills. It taught me insecurities, and overthinking. Overthinking was one I was very good at and the thing was very proud of me. Eventually I stopped growing physically but the dark creature did not. It just kept growing and growing, feeding me more dark knowledge. It taught me more and more it taught me self harm, and suicidal thoughts and hopes. Unlike before when I was still bigger than the darkness I had starting giving into the darkness and listening to all it had to say. It made me feel worthless like no one really cared, that my life didn’t matter. I’d go to school and out in public with happiness on the outside and the constant reminder that I didn’t want to be there on the inside. Now I did say that I was very great at overthinking.

One thing that the darkness couldn’t beat was how anxious I could get. I always had these constant thoughts in my head about literally everything. Tears were a constant thing for me. Especially at night in my bed. My anxious thoughts and my overthinking where always fighting with the darkness. It was a constant battle where no one win.

Fortunately for me sometimes the darkness will go to sleep for a little while. I have a very great boyfriend who I am so great full for and I love so much. When I am with him the darkness will go away. My overthinking takes a break to hibernate. Everything feels perfect and great when I’m with him. With every fortune though there is an unfortune. Right when I leave and I am no longer with him the darkness has woken up and is back and bigger then ever. Rest really does a solid for the darkness cause there it is constantly. I just sit and lay in my bed thinking, crying , wondering. Some cases I will get myself into what I think are anxiety attacks. Sometimes I just work on making a new ocean of tears.

This darkness that’s been with me for so long has taken me on some adventures. One time we went to this place where it played a movie about all the reason why I shouldn’t live and I should just hand in my life card. I was so close of doing so. If I would’ve stayed for 2 minutes longer that would of been the end to my story. I’d like to say we’ve only been there once but then I would be lying. That’s right I’ve almost cashed in my life card 3 times. I’ve carefully reviewed and thought more and I think I’d like to hold onto it for a little while for now at least. The dark thing has taken me to a blade to add scares to my arms. It helped me to make what it said was art to help the darkness. It told me it would help it go away on vacation and that red liquid was okay that it was just happy juice. I wanted that darkness gone so bad I just kept cutting. Every time I fell for that trick, and every time it’d still be there. I always wondered why that dark thing chose me.

Why did it like me so much? I haven’t figured it out still. That’s right I said still, but what the dark creature doesn’t know is that I have grown. Not physically but emotionally and even though somewhat often it still comes and shares more knowledge, it goes away the next morning. The dark creature and I no longer go on adventures. We meet each other everyday same place, same time. We may continue to work on that new ocean but that’s okay. Tears is way better than “happy juice”. We lay and talk and it keeps my up all night sometimes but that’s also okay.

So for any of you who have a dark thing constantly with you, know it’s okay to cry. Let it out, but you can move on. You will move on, and your life will be pretty great. Even if your dark creature comes to visit you every once in awhile.


© Copyright 2019 samara helton. All rights reserved.

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