An Endless Cycle

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
The reality of someone who suffered from an eating disorder for several years.

Submitted: June 05, 2019

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Submitted: June 05, 2019



Staring into my reflecting, I don't recognize the person looking back at me. My eyes are sad...maybe even empty. Skin so pale that it almost looks grey. I look like shit.

I open my mouth wide, look at my teeth, wonder if I can see the work of years of bulimia. My mom does...I try to convince myself that I don't. My face is swollen and my gums ache. Pinching my cheeks hard, I scowl at myself. I want to slap myself. "STOP EATING" I think to myself multiple times. It sounds like a chant in my mind. 

Stepping on the scale for the third time within an hour...sobbing at the number. Violently grabbing at my sides, pounding on my flesh until there's marks and I ache. This is what I deserve. 

Swallowing a handful of laxatives, I'll regret this later but it's worth it. That's what I keep telling myself. How many times have I done this? I've lost track. Sitting in silence, staring into nothing, I let myself drown in this feeling. The sadness suffocates me. I deserve this. 

Glancing back at my reflection, "I hate you", I say out loud. I mean it. The thought of punching the mirror crosses my mind or even slamming my head against it. I want to break it. Instead I glare at myself until I can't face my reflection any longer. 

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