When the night comes

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
I write to clear my head from anxiety, depression and remove a certain feeling. This is just how my nights can be.

Submitted: June 09, 2019

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Submitted: June 09, 2019

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When the night comes.

My fear awakens, the monsters in my head comes forward. They terrorize the sleep away, that comfortable drowsiness before you fall asleep goes away and all my thoughts are filled with dread and chaos.

I know what awaits now, and my body reacts. Anxiety takes over, my pulse quickens, my body stiffens and then, yet a sleepless night awaits. With thoughts of you, of us, of our children and of what could have been.

At this point I am the loneliest man in the world, with only my fears and monsters as my companions. My muscles tenses, my head is pounding, it feels like I can´t get enough oxygen down my lungs. I start to sweat, twisting and turning in my bed, but everything remains the same.

I try to get up, get a glass of water and sit down on the couch. I look at my phone, wondering if I should reach out to you. To talk to you, to make you see what this is doing to me. But fear takes over, clouding the mind, filling it with visions of you. I can´t take it, tears fill my eyes, teardrops running down my cheeks. I am broken, destroyed and exhausted.

The fear releases its powerful grip, only for a heartbreaking pain to take its place. I suffer through the pain once again, waiting for it to go away, as it always does. When the pain subsides I get restless, the monsters are lurking in my head, trying to get to me again.

I get up and walk through the house, aimlessly going from the living room to the kitchen over and over again. I stop being me and my mind drifts away, stopping the fear, the monsters, the anxiety and the visions. My mind is letting go, for now.

I go back downstairs to the bedroom, our bedroom, feeling the enormous emptiness of the room. The memories remains here, both good and bad. I am so tired now. I look out the windows feeling lost, lonely and very small. I look at the bed wondering if it´s safe to go back. Wondering if the monsters will return once more, or if they have done their deed for the night.

I stare out of the window again, seeing the marvelous starry night, the infinity of the universe. How can I feel so much pain when I am smaller than a grain of sand? How can my hurt be measured in this big universe? I feel so tiny, with emotions so much bigger than me. They crumble me to the ground, ripping into every part of my being.

How can I endure this endless pain? I matter not in the grand picture. But I matter to some. I might feel like a grain of sand, but I know in my heart that for my children, I am their stars, moon, earth and everything. For them I will endure all the pain that exist. For them I will do anything. I take a chance, not believing i will get my rest, but I need to try.

I have our children this week, our lovely innocent children. The lights of my life, my reason for being, the reason I will get back to bed and the reason why I every night fight with the monsters, the fear and my anxiety. I lay down into the bed again, feeling that lovely drowsiness again, and this time I finally have peace of mind and fall deeply to sleep.

Life is very hard, but would have been unbearable without my children . I´ll take on anything that tries to come between us. I will fight against my own mind, every night and through every nightmare that comes. I love you so very much, my sweet sweet children.


© Copyright 2019 Matthew L. Radcliffe. All rights reserved.

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