So tired

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
I write to remove some of my anxiety away. My depression is taking over my life, but writing gives me peace for a while.

Submitted: June 10, 2019

A A A | A A A

Submitted: June 10, 2019



I am so alone. I have no one. It shouldn’t bother me, but I am glad. Why would anyone want to spend time with me? I push everyone away, I don’t care about anything. Life is hard, too hard for me.

I wake up every day thinking, oh I have a new personal best... in days alive on this earth. I don’t know if I want to continue breaking that record. I am so tired. I have no energy, no drive, no nothing.

I wake up when I wake up. Thinking, why am I so tired. I slept so long again. It’s alright I think, being tired when you wake up happens. But as the hours go by, I get more tired. So tired that it’s almost to much to handle. I have so much to do, but I can not. I sit alone with myself and my thoughts. Hours go by, nothing gets done. I live but I am not alive. I never have a second of peace.

When I am awake, my thoughts and anxiety drag me down. Making me a smaller version of my self. Just staying alive, but not living. When I try to sleep, the nightmares comes quickly. I wake up in terror, sweating, heavy breathing and panic. I don’t know what to do. I can’t stay awake, I can’t sleep. I am alive but not living. I exist, but I have no place.

I had things I used to love doing with great passion. Everything is gone, there is no feeling of joy. I have no interest. I am just tired. I wonder sometimes what is really the best thing for me. Why should I go on living like this? Because my children, family or friends would be sad? Or if you think about it, I could get P E A C E forever.

It is my choice. It is up to me. I can decide this. This is 15 minutes of my day. On a good day. On a bad day, I am glad if I only sleep. I write this not because I am thinking about ending my life. I write this because it might help me saving it.

I am at a point where I think that getting a deadly virus, or getting in an accident that puts me down would Make everything perfect. I know it’s not a good thought. But I wouldn’t have to feel anymore. S o t i r e d

© Copyright 2019 Matthew L. Radcliffe. All rights reserved.

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