Unlovable

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic
This is not some kind of cry for help or "woe is me" piece. Please don't leave pity comments etc. At the moment I'm going through some personal issues and am just struggling to form my thoughts in a coherent manner. This is NOT an attempt to solicit supportive comments or anything of the sort. Read it if you wish, and continue on. I just felt like sharing. Gotta keep those writing juices flowing, one way or another.

Submitted: June 10, 2019

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Submitted: June 10, 2019

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There comes a point in a person’s life where they realize they’re unlovable. It comes along after a myriad of failed attempts, which failed for a myriad of reasons, most of which point back to the individual, as hard as that is to admit. It’s not all encompassing, of course. The individual can find platonic love in friends and family. But that’s a different sort of love.

That’s a love that doesn’t require a certain intimacy. It’s more foundational, so much so that it’s almost implicit. Everyone has at least one person they can say this for. A parent, sibling, childhood friend, or even a new acquaintance of only a few weeks. Whatever the case may be, the barrier that stops them at friendship is swiftly reached. Each is comfortable with the other and there are certain things, at least in some respects, that go unsaid. You enjoy the other’s company, and can rely on them when you need them. But it stops at that.

However, romantic love will always escape this individual, it seems.

A particular case starts with the inability to express emotion towards others for fear of being too vulnerable and then being pushed aside, perhaps because of their emotions, which can be quite strong. This starts a cycle early on. One can either open up and be rejected by someone they felt so strongly for, or bottle up their emotions and regret never knowing what might have been, as they watch the other drift away or into another’s arms.

Both alternatives are equally devastating. It starts with a first “love”. Not true love, but that seedling of strong emotions when one finds another that they feel they can be completely and totally honest with. That person they simply cannot get over. It might blossom into love, but for now it’s just an interest.

In any case, in the first instance he’s told that he is simply not thought of in the same fashion that he views the other. In his mind, this equates with him not being worthy of the person that he feels so comfortable with. This comfortability betrayed him and he becomes doubtful of himself as a result. He can no longer trust that he can make good decisions in these circumstances, and so he retreats away from theses feelings.

On the other hand, the individual refuses to ever reveal her emotions in the first place. She believes displaying this type of vulnerability and weakness to another will be off-putting and drive them from her. When her love interest drifts away it’s not because she failed to express her own interest or show the other that she had feelings, but because, quite obviously, the individual was never interested in the first place.

Either way, the result is the same. You become extremely reserved. You refuse to open up because whoever it may be is not interested in the first place. As you encounter more and more love interests and this cycle repeats itself over and over you finally  convince yourself that you are unlovable. Over many years it becomes clear: who in their right mind would want you?

You’re not physically attractive. You have no unique talents or attributes. Your hobbies are rather boring and uninteresting and you don’t display any outstanding qualities. You come on too strongly and seem desperate at times, which appears disingenuous or fake. You see yourself as less than others. Less than all others. So, in the off chance that someone does find you attractive, it will be fleeting because there are many, many others that are better and more worthy for the one you’re interested in.

And so the seed is sown.

Eventually someone comes along that does seem genuinely interested. But by this time it is too late. After years of these feelings and situations the damage is done. The individual can no longer see any redeeming qualities in himself, and his constant crippling anxiety, complete lack of self-confidence, constant self-doubt, and mistrust that the interested party’s interest is, indeed, genuine, will drive the person away. The cycle continues.

She watches as others seamlessly fall in love and begin happy relationships. Some may end up poorly, but others flourish and become truly beautiful. And those are the ones that catch her attention. Happy couples living blissful lives after having found their one and only. Meanwhile, she is left alone, drifting further down this trail that leads her ever closer to complete acceptance that she must be unlovable.

This unlovability doesn’t show through, however. You can hide it quite well, in fact. You seem perfectly fine no matter what comes your way, because you’ve tempered yourself to appear as fine in a desperate attempt to attract others—or perhaps worse, you’ve tempered yourself so as to avoid drawing unwanted attention and concern for your mental and emotional health.

Unfortunately, you are broken by now. Anyone who attempts to draw closer is ultimately pushed away by your actions. And, truthfully, it may be deserved. This is not simply a minor flaw. It is at the core of your personality and drives your very thoughts, outlook on the world, and interactions with others. No one else can be responsible for your wellbeing, and the task is so monumental that it is simply unfair to ask anyone to attempt to surmount that challenge.

Assuming even that he can find someone who may attempt just that, it is still an impossible task. His constant bombardment of inner struggles, mental and emotional instability, and devastatingly low self-confidence overwhelms the interested party to the point that they simply cannot keep up without sacrificing themselves. What at first may appear to be the perfect match soon becomes someone who has fleeting emotions for him because they were attracted to the surface. Surely, once they begin to dig under the surface they will be turned off. So, he’ll preempt that by raising his own constant fears, which eventually overwhelm them.

This renews the cycle again, with each new relationship that she enters. Every interaction becomes a struggle for a minor, meaningless victory that ultimately ends in defeat, or a total defeat that ends the relationship. Either way, such defeat is bound to come. But, just to fool herself into believing she’s found her ‘one’, she delays that as long as possible. Just to fool herself into believing she’s happy. Just to fool herself into believing she’s worthy.

To fool yourself into believing you are lovable.


© Copyright 2019 Red Hunter. All rights reserved.

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