Secrets unspoken

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Poetry  |  House: Booksie Classic
Mental health is a common thing, but not everyone goes through it the same. This is just a poem that I wrote one night after, and partially during, being stuck in my head. This runs through some of the many emotions and thoughts that corrupt the body, mind, and soul when living through everyday life in that foggy mind. Although I do write occasional joyful books and poems this one, like most, is more on the darker side. This is not written with much of a sugar coat, though it could be much darker. Being that I am not much of a talker I had to finish this deep and heart written poem with the classic thought and fear of not wanting to be open nor vulnerable.If you are expecting a positive and uplifting read then I suggest either saving this one for another time or reading a different, more optimistic one instead of (or after) 'secrets unspoken'. This poem is, like this 'summary blurb', pretty lengthy compared to my recent writings so get comfortable and hopefully you enjoy the dark image painted behind these words.

Submitted: June 12, 2019

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Submitted: June 12, 2019

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Feeling the beating of my heart
Feeling like Im falling apart
nothing seems to make sense
and this is all full of suspense
 
I get so easily confused
feel so mistreated and used
I get angry and annoyed
And I get way to paranoid
 
I can feel myself fading away
more and more everyday
sometimes I feel i wont come back
maybe thats the panic attacks
 
everything turns to a haze
thats when I zone out and gaze
Staring at the ceiling
ignoring all feeling
 
I can feel myself collapsing
I cant stop the relapsing
and I really am trying
I'm just so used to the lying
 
I say I'm just fine
because I hate to whine
but i have to admit it
I cant take this shit
 
Maybe im afraid
of drifting with the fade
never returning to this place
living at a different pace
 
I dont want to dissapoint everyone
but it seems thats all ive done
when im constantly failing
my mind is sailing
 
I feel my consiouness fade yet im awake
I try to respond but everythings fake
like I'm staring into the light
yet its the middle of the night
 
My eyes lock on a famiiar object
and forget the current subject
like im amazed at something new
thats something im not used to
 
I admire the color and the shape
and my mind cant escape
like the object fills the room
and sends my thoughts to doom
 
I feel as if im going insane
and maybe its from feeling pain
maybe my mind commited suicide
and left me behind to ride
 
I dont want to ride anymore
I want to feel in control like before
I dont want to lose my grip
but it seems as though ive already slipped
 
I want to hold on to something
but its like theres really nothing
like everything is a constant joke
I just want to sleep and smoke
 
Im to stressed to even care
But I cant say it isnt fair
I did this to myself you see
this is who Ive grown to be
 
A man without a solid thought
A man who lost the battle he fought
A man whos slowly losing his mind
A man who cant seem to unwind
 
Instead I fight back and always lose
even when I change up the moves
Maybe I wasnt meant to win
with all the evil burried within
 
I try to hide what i feel
but my wall is no longer made of steel
when people are constantly trying
to figure out the truth behind my lying
 
I dont want them to know what Ive seen
I dont want them to know where I've been
I dont want to show the things within
I dont want to let my demons win
 
Yet I cant figure out how to recover
with every feeling I tried to uncover
I just got worse and made some bad choices
And overtime amplified the voices
 
They are louder and stronger then ever before
I constantly find myself behind closed doors
afraid of what might come to find me
afraid to open my eyes and see
 
I hide myself in the shadows of my thoughts
afraid to speak of the battles Ive fought
for some are won but most are lost
and none were ever worth the cost
 
I think about death as a gift
like a thing where everything lifts
reliesing you of the pain
making you feel sane
 
I feel bad for the violent thoughts
its wrong, I know, we were tought
but it feels so right at that time
like it shouldnt even be a crime
 
My mind goes black and my vision goes red
I think about nothing but seeing them dead
my hands start to tingle and clench in a fist
then I go through my reasoning list
 
I think about seeing them bleed
then my mind picks up some speed
my heart begins to race
and I want to burn down that place
 
I want to feel pain to fix these things
but its like im standing in a firey ring
no matter which way I go Ill get burned
and now the tables have certaintly turned
 
I used to crave being in control
but I've learned thats not how things roll
I lose myself more then you know
I wish I could control that though
 
It's like I'm here but also far away
and theres not really a place for thoughts to stay
my mind likes to wonder far off the trail
like my true selfs in prison trying to bail
 
I feel like I'm going nowhere
like I wondered off and got lost somewhere
in a new place that I never knew
but this place is far from you
 
Sometimes I find myself staring at something
yet in my head im thinking of nothing
its just blank and empty and sometime numb
I'm sorry for talking what have I done


© Copyright 2019 Cornelius J. Tales. All rights reserved.

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