Babes in the Woods

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Flash Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
Adults have been warned to stop building dens in Aigburth Woods.

Image by Evgeni Tcherkasski at Pixabay

Submitted: June 16, 2019

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Submitted: June 16, 2019

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Babes in the Woods

Tree-dwelling adults in Epping Forest have been warned to stop acting out their fantasies by building giant love dens. The huge shelters, some capable of holding as many as eleven couples, have been appearing in Aigburth Wood in Essex, with nine new tepees being discovered in a single week by local ramblers.

Spoilsport Woodland Trust, which manages the 217-acre copse, said that those naturists constructing the hideouts were causing substantial damage including burns, skin abrasions, sunstroke, bruises, lesions and hernias in a protected area; with trees often being uprooted and bark stripped from others. The so-called New Age Gibbons are also posing nude: creating dangers to hikers, walkers, cyclists, joggers, tree surgeons, jockeys and truffle hunters.

The Trust is now offering visitors a ransom of £20,000 for the capture of a live tree-dweller in a bid to catch those responsible. Scout patrols in the Aigburth area are being stepped up in what is widely regarded as an unnecessary year-round extension of ‘bob-a-job’ week. New Age have responded by issuing tree-dwellers with the following instructions:

TOP TIPS FOR CONSENTING PARTNERS:

Ask someone to manage your diary to prevent panic calls asking you to attend meetings when you have no clothes to wear.

Learn what works best in photographs by getting someone to take pictures of you in your tepee. It’s amazing how war paint and henna tattoos look fine in the mirror but not in broad daylight.

Embrace faeries and wood nymphs gently and they will stand up to your marathon campaigns.

Be clear about what you feel passion about, and the issues you want to champion. Its then so much easier to say no to requests that don’t fit your briefs.

Never put sex on a to-do list. He will only resent it.

Preparation is key. If you feel confident and know what you are getting into, you will enjoy it.

In a separate development, plans to offer train passengers massages on the Contra Line have been described as ‘immodest’ and ‘un-British’ by a conservative politician. TFA, the operator, announced last week that massages would be available to buy on a number of routes, with a range of options involving creams and essential oils.

The hands will be rolled out in the next few weeks involving 39 trains departing from Aigburth in Essex. But the move has angered the local parish council. In a letter to the Aigburth Gazette, the allotment leader said that it was ‘against village culture to offer such services in the presence of women’.

TFA is looking to generate additional revenue through the massages, provided by ‘certified’ independent masseurs who will pay fees to the train drivers.

‘Is providing these kinds of services in front of women in accordance with village culture?’ asked Charlie Aldous-Ball, in his letter. There are gold, diamond and platinum categories of massage services costing from £12 to £36. All of the services will last between 3 and 5 minutes.

‘I can understand this service being offered on buses and motor cycles with sidecars,’ said Mr Aldous-Ball, ‘But not in passenger trains. It is completely unnecessary and the village women’s group has also raised concerns about it.

The scheme is part of a wider push by TFA to raise non-fare revenues through creative ideas…  

 

 

 

 

 


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