D.I.D

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Young Adult  |  House: Booksie Classic
A girl with Dissociative identity disorder from the view of herself and the people around her.

Submitted: June 23, 2019

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Submitted: June 23, 2019

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D.I.D

(third person)

She sat there on the edge of the dock looking out across the water. Fighting with the voices; saying “me, myself and I”. One against the other fighting with her interpersonales. She believes in staying hidden but the voices say to be free. She sat there and stared out to the abyss, anyone who walked pass wondered what they had missed. As she threw her hands in the air shouting and screaming to herself. If only they knew what was going on, on the inside of her mind. Drifting into her mind screaming at the voices.

 

As her mind tries her best to prove the voices wrong, the voices have mastered their art they know where it is going and that they have won this fight this before. They know all of her ins and outs and can see her peering pout. Around and around the fight goes, when will it stop, well that nobody knows.

 

As the fight goes on the voices put on a show. Showing her mind she doesn’t have the information needed as the voices tell her mind her arguments are unsound. Looking from the outside the people walking past. They still have no idea what it is that she has going on in her mind, some passing by say she’s lost her mind and in some way she has but also they are blind. Others say she needs help with the f*cked up mind they see her running around screaming at the voices within her mind.

 

Up, down, through, and around

her mind of gold is covered by the ground,

they see the dirt and all the mishaps

but will never know the gold that hides in the gaps

 

Her mind fights its way

Believing this is the way to stay

To keep herself hidden

From the world of the forbidden

 

She wants to stay away

Hidden from the people

Thinking this is the place to stay

Staying in her world as if coming out was illegal

 

But the voices tell her no

And forces her mind to go

Go to see the world and with that, the voices stand their ground

And with their assets, she is bound

 

Bound to follow them through

Forced to follow them as if she were a doll of voodoo

F*cked up in the brain

With nothing in her life to regain or obtain

 

(First person)

After a while of living with the fighting. Fighting with myself and what everyone around me called my f*cked up brain.

I started having nightmares. Most nights I would wake up and the sheets would be wet and I'd be really hot, even though it was a cold night. In the day, I kept seeing things that I knew weren't really there ... Fighting with the voices in my head nearly 24/7. The shoes belonged to someone who was constantly causing me problems, even treating me as if I wasn't even human at times driving me insane. I couldn't even acknowledge that the fighting that was going on in my head was abusive behavior. I was so sure that I was going "crazy" and that nothing could be done about it, at times the fighting in my mind would get so out of hand, that I would end up screaming and going off in a fit of rage.

 

I got so sick of the looks from people probably thinking what is wrong with this person, sick of the people who would walk past and call me a “freak”, “monster”, “ a danger to the society”. I would sit there and try to pretend to be normal.

 

In the end, I just couldn't carry on anymore fighting with myself so much I spent almost a year either in bed or on the sofa. I was suicidal for a time. My heart was racing and I kept having panic attacks. Even simple things like grocery shopping were awful and I kept avoiding people I knew. Places linked with the trauma. Anytime someone got close to me in a shop, I'd be terrified. Terrified someone would find out how broken I truly was, terrified someone would call me those names, terrified of the abuse but most of all I was terrified that my secret would be let loose. After a while, I gave up trying to be normal it was near impossible. I would be out downtown trying to keep to my own business when the voices would return and cause a rampage.

 

My head was a mess, entire conscience was a mess my family and friends embarrassed to be around me in public, sometimes even so embarrassed just to look at me they couldn’t look at me I was sore they would end up disowning me someday soon they were disgusted by my state and how I would get these random outbursts of fights between my mind and the voices. I was an absolute disappointment and disaster to my friends, family and myself I gave up. Nothing made sense.

 

But the problems in my life just continue to go round.

 


© Copyright 2019 Kat Penn. All rights reserved.

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