Family & Relationships

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic

Submitted: July 19, 2019

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Submitted: July 19, 2019

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Want to know a secret ?, Sure... 

So I've always had trouble with relationships no matter friend or otherwise and for that I blame my family. Through my entire life I've been the one treated in the family (at least Mom's side) where I'm the lowest of the low...  I'm either a glob of shit or I'm the shit you scrape off the bottom of your shoe.

This is a big reason why I have trouble in relationships (friend or otherwise) cause they can say many good things about me, but I will never see it. Since all my life all 37 (almost 38) years I've been treated exactly the same, to the point I have recently learned that I will never have a relationship or friends. They don't understand and I try to look for someone that I can confide in but that always fails.

So over the last few days I've been detoxing myself of friends and any relationship that I have been in, so yes it's very true that I'm single. But I know that nobody wants this, nobody ever did. That's why these things don't last for me and never will, so I have given up trying to gain any friends or any sort of relationship even though I have family telling me that I need someone in my life. I actually don't need anyone in my life because it's a struggle for me.

I have not and will not be able to overcome any of the past mental abuse from my family and what they've drilled into my head for my entire life. I've said this a lot in the past and I don't get asked to do things I get yelled at until I do them.
So I tend to flinch and cower when people ask me to do things or talk to me. I also tend to shake, for a while I had my shakes under control but that has came back.

The last time they got bad and my mom seen, she spent an hour yelling at me to "calm down".

Back when I was engaged I thought I could talk to my fiancee about it.. Kinda funny right ? you go through problems and you figure you could talk to the one that your in a relationship with about them ?.. Yeah that put things on thin ice real fucking quick as instead of talking to me about it her immediate go to reaction was "go talk to a doctor" .. Where anything that happened that she had to put time into it and that couldn't be solved in seconds she wanted nothing to do with it. So that began my limitations to that relationship and the ice just became thinner from that moment on before I ended it in 2017

Shortly after that I got seeing someone else, not sure if I would class it as dating with how little we got together at first I thought things were great and different as she was someone that I thought I could talk to, like I said "thought" things kinda floated away slowly at first but more quickly near the end... More excuses why she couldn't see me kept coming up, I became the lease important person in her life then it just ended after I walked away from it. That happened a few days ago.

Since then I've been struggling with things. Trying to figure everything out on my own 
It's not easy.

So my progress with everything is very slow.

I still have lots to figure out.

Ken
 


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