The Valley of the Tools Episode 26

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

Rob plans to launch a campaign for CA-25 after Katie Hill snipes him, and tries to find people to join him, Whitney feels left out after discovering her friends hang out with Hannah without telling her, Hannah becomes concerned that her cocaine habit is becoming an addiction.








“When we arrive, sons & daughters. We'll make our homes on the water. We'll build our walls aluminum! We'll fill our mouths with cinnamon! Now!”

  • Colin Meloy


(We open on Rob in his bed one morning, spread out like a skydiver. The tray on his end table full of ash and cigarette butts. A half-empty bottle of whiskey resting right beside it. His alarm goes off- “In Da Club” by 50 Cent. He whacks the alarm and sits up, groggy. He puts on his robe, which is embroidered with his initials. Cut to his living room. He walks out of the kitchen with a bowl of corn flakes as the local news plays. Wendy Burch and Frank Buckley anchor KTLA 5 as Rob slurps up cereal)


FRANK: The President’s racially charged tweets-


WENDY: Racist tweets.


FRANK: Racially TINGED tweets-


WENDY: Racist tweets.


FRANK: Just- I got this. Racially motivated tweets-


WENDY: Close enough.


FRANK: Over the weekend caused the U.S. House of Representatives to vote for a resolution to condemn his remarks as “racist”.


WENDY: Speaker Pelosi called the tweets “racist” on the floor, drawing rebuke from House Republicans, who said the comments were in violation of House rules. Pelosi was found to be in violation, but the House voted to override the rule and let the Speaker proceed unpunished, prompting outrage from Republicans.


ROB: Poor Trump, how it must feel to be degraded so horribly by someone so powerful.


FRANK: Simi Valley Congresswoman Katie Hill tweeted on Sunday, quote, “’Go back where you came from’ is language we hear from white supremacists. By attacking my AMERICAN colleagues, Trump shows he not only condones the behavior of these dangerous people, he’s one of them. He can’t leave fast enough — I’m happy to work out free travel arrangements”.


WENDY: Strong words.


ROB: Pfffff. Not THAT Strong.


WENDY: Speaking of Congresswoman Hill, she held a town hall with constituents yesterday evening in Santa Clarita, when she was asked about the possibility of former reality show star Robert Altmire- (Rob leans forward) challenging her for her seat next year. Take a look.


(They cut to Congresswoman Hill in a school auditorium, taking questions)


CONGRESSWOMAN HILL: Oh, please. That dude is a joker. One of the biggest clowns I’ve ever met, and I don’t think the good, humble people of CA-25 would ever vote for him. Plus, he reeks of cologne.


(Congresswoman Hill laughs along with the assembled crowd. Cut back to Wendy and Frank)


FRANK: Strong words.


(Rob stands up, furious)




(Marianne comes out of Rob’s bedroom with nothing but a towel, clearly just having gotten out of the shower)


MARIANNE: What’s the matter, Robert?


(Rob turns to Marianne)


ROB: Marianne, do you know how to manage a campaign?


(Marianne smiles)




(Rob smiles and goes over to kiss her passionately. Cut to Evelyn speaking with Michael, who is manning reception. Michael is sipping on a Diet Coke)


EVELYN: Why are you consuming a Diet Coke?


MICHAEL: I don’t know, it was the only soda in the fridge.


EVELYN: But the aspartame in it is carcinogenic, haven’t you heard?


MICHAEL: What does “carcinogenic” mean-?


EVELYN: Carcinogen. Noun. Any substance or agent that tends to produce a cancer.


(Michael spits out the Diet Coke in the trashcan and pours the rest of it out as Rob and Marianne march in)




(Noel emerges from his office)


NOEL: What’s up?


ROB: Get into my office.


(Rob, Marianne and Noel walk into Rob’s office and Marianne closes the door. Noel and Marianne sit across from Rob as he sits behind his desk)


NOEL: Can I ask why Marianne is here?


ROB: I’m running to be a Congressman from California’s 25th District and I need your help with phone-banking. Can you do that?


NOEL: I don’t know if that’s part of my job, really-



NOEL: NO! I can do it! I can do it. (Noel takes out his phone) Should I just, start, calling random numbers?


ROB: Sure. As long as they live in CA-25.


NOEL: Where is that?


ROB: Santa Clarita, Simi Valley, 20 miles from NoHo, come on, Noel, keep up.


(Noel nods and scrolls through his contacts and picks one)


NOEL: I’m calling this dude I did a group project with in High School. I think he lives up there.


MARIANNE: For your announcement speech, I think you should put an emphasis on love. You LOVE the people of CA-25, whereas Katie Hill merely USES them.


ROB: I like that. I don’t have personal experience with that situation, but I like that framing.


MARIANNE: You should pepper in quotes from Taoist philosophy if you can.


ROB: Cool, I’ll look up what that is.


MARIANNE: I gave you a copy of The Canon of Reason and Virtue for your birthday, honey, remember?


(Rob slowly nods)


ROB: I do remember.


(Noel puts his phone down, looking devastated)


NOEL: Okay, turns out that guy I did my group project with died in a warehouse fire six months ago.


ROB: Cool, keep trying.


(Whitney comes in)


WHITNEY: Hey, Rob, we got the meeting at 11:30- what in the holy hell is Marianne doing here?


MARIANNE: Greetings to you too, my child.


WHITNEY: I am not your- Rob, I thought you got away from her.


ROB: She is my friend. Okay? Lilly and I broke up, so there’s nothing wrong with our relationship any longer.


WHITNEY: That wasn’t the only thing, or even the most important thing wrong with your relationship!


MARIANNE: I don’t blame you for doubting the fortitude of our bond, because it requires a broad, psychological and spiritual transformation to understand it.


WHITNEY: You hear that, Rob? Broad transformations are needed to understand why someone would want to be with you.


ROB: That’s, not what she meant.


(Noel hangs up his phone)


NOEL: It went to voicemail, but I’m pretty sure my old soccer coach lives in the OC now, anyway.


WHITNEY: What are you having him do?


ROB: He’s phone-banking for my CA-25 campaign.


WHITNEY: Jesus, do you plan on doing any work here this year?


ROB: I’ll consider it! But right now is about saving CA-25 from Katie Hill!


WHITNEY: Noel and Marianne, can we have the room?


ROB: Guys, you don’t have to-


WHITNEY: I’m the boss here, and we need the room. (Marianne and Noel look at Rob. Rob nods and they get up to leave. They shut the door behind them) You NEED to get over your grudge against Katie Hill. You dropped out of the race before she even had an opportunity to beat you last time.


ROB: But she disrespected me at the Election Night Party I GRACIOUSLY hosted for her, and only slightly less importantly, she disrespected LILLY!


(Whitney sighs)


WHITNEY: I see what this is about. (Whitney sits down) You’re taking the break-up hard.


ROB: It’s not that, Whitney. But I swore that I would run against Katie Hill, on election night, right in front of Lilly. I have to keep my word, otherwise I’m a liar! And I don’t want to be known as a liar.


WHITNEY: You lie all the time!

ROB: Not to Lilly.


WHITNEY: Yes, you do, you cheated on her with Marianne-


ROB: She never asked me, one way or the other about that.


WHITNEY: Look. Lilly’s not gonna be impressed by this hopeless campaign. And if you want focus on your REAL job, we have an all-hands meeting about Miles’ movie at 11:30. So let’s go.


(Rob sighs)


ROB: Fine, but I’m not giving up this campaign.


WHITNEY: Whatever. You just can’t use office resources or office TIME to conduct it. You certainly can’t make your assistant or our interns phone-bank for you.


(Rob looks down)


ROB: Okay.


WHITNEY: And Marianne has to go.


ROB: But, Whitneyyyyy!


WHITNEY: She’s not an employee here, she has to go.


(Rob sighs)


ROB: Fine, let’s just go to the meeting.


(Rob follows Whitney out of his office. Cut to Whitney sitting behind her desk. McKenzie, Bonnie, Luther, Miles and Evelyn sit before her desk, while Alec and Noel sit on the couches behind them, taking notes on the meeting)


WHITNEY: First off, let’s welcome Miles back into the fold.


(Everyone applauds)


MILES: Thank you, thank you. Your applause is delicious candy for my ears, in light of what you did to me.


WHITNEY: Alright, Miles. Cool it.


MILES: I’m excited to work with you guys again.


ROB: It is cool, maybe you’ll even follow through this time!



ROB: What? Can’t I use a little humor to lighten the tension?


LUTHER: Bro, you’re heightening the tension.


ROB: Maybe that’s what we need here in CA-25…


EVELYN: We’re actually in California’s 33rd Congressional District, represented by Congressman Ted Lieu-


WHITNEY: ANYWAY! Miles, we read the outline of your vision for- what was the working title?


MILES: “Missionary Position: Impossible”.


WHITNEY: Of course, and we came with the take-away that you want this to be a full-on, weirdo cult film about alien slaves fucking to repopulate a dying planet. Let me just get the pages here- (Whitney leans over to get something out of a filing cabinet, but when she opens a drawer, we see boxes of cereal, and she quickly closes it) Shit. Wrong drawer.


BONNIE: Hold the fuck up. Was that cereal?


WHITNEY: Yeah, so what? Just a snack in case I get hungry?


MCKENZIE: In your filing cabinet, though?


WHITNEY: What are you getting at?


ROB: Check the other cabinets! Really expose her!


WHITNEY: Wait, don’t-


(Luther opens another cabinet drawer, revealing sheets and a pillow)


LUTHER: Holy shit, you been sleepin’ in here?


WHITNEY: What? No, that’s…I have a baby that sleeps there. I have a baby.


MCKENZIE: Your excuse is that you have a baby, and you make it sleep in a filing cabinet?




MCKENZIE: Oh, baby, we need to talk.




MCKENZIE: You work too much.


WHITNEY: Sorry I don’t bolt for the door at 5:01, alright?


EVELYN: You don’t defecate in here, do you?


WHITNEY: What- there’s a bathroom, why would I need to do that?


ROB: Don’t they close it?


WHITNEY: I have a key! And even when I forget it, Omar’s really nice.


MCKENZIE: You know the name of the night crew guy?


WHITNEY: I’m sorry for communicating with the average person, okay?!


MCKENZIE: Honey, don’t brag about talking to poor people, that’s the most bourgeois thing I’ve ever heard.


BONNIE: She’s right, though, Omar’s really nice. Always leaves Noel and I alone when we’re banging in there.


(Noel stifles a laugh. Whitney sighs and stands up)


WHITNEY: Okay! Maybe I work too much!


MCKENZIE: That’s no longer the issue.


WHITNEY: I’m steering it back to that. (Whitney sits down) You guys are right. I need to get out of the office more. Omar invited me to his wedding.


NOEL: Oh, fun! Can I go?


WHITNEY: You might as well. I have no one else to go with.


BONNIE: But, Noel’s taken.


MILES: It’s true, I filmed a sex tape with them a few weeks ago.


NOEL: Seriously, dude?


ROB: Wait, what?!


BONNIE: The worst part is that you put it in the stepson/stepmom section of PornHub.


ROB: Wait, this is online?!


MILES: Not anymore, unfortunately.


MCKENZIE: ANYWAY! We’ll take you out for a night on the town. Just say where and when.


WHITNEY: …Okay. What about tomorrow night?


(McKenzie and everyone look at each other nervously)


LUTHER: Not tomorrow night, though. I can’t do Thursday.


MCKENZIE: Yeah, I got, therapy. Thursday. All night long. It’s like a, comprehensive thing.


BONNIE: I gotta have sex with people on camera that night, personally, so.


EVELYN: Luther and I will be-


LUTHER: FISHING. Fishing, in a boat, in the Pacific Ocean. All night.


MILES: We should get back to my movie.


ROB: YES! Let’s do that.


(Everyone nods, except Evelyn, who’s just confused. Whitney squints suspiciously. Cut to Hannah and Xandra in a sound stage, designed to look like the inside of a cave. Hannah is dressed as AstroManda- a skin-tight green suit, a giant “A” emblem in the middle of her chest, and a keypad on her wrist. She’s standing in a defensive posture across from Xandra, who’s dressed in a black cyborg outfit with a mechanical eye and robotic fingers. Xandra is pointing a laser gun at Hannah. There’s a film crew surrounding them, getting sound and video)


 HANNAH: What happened to you, Melissa?


XANDRA: DON’T call me that anymore! I am the INTERNALIZER!

HANNAH: You used to be such a great warrior. Now you get paid to brainwash women into serving the Emperor of Planet Americobola?


XANDRA: The Universe is a cold place, AstroManda. I did what I had to do to get mine.


HANNAH: Oh, you’ll get yours.


(Xandra pretends to fire the weapon, and Hannah ducks down, and pretends to shoot a laser from her wrist. Xandra gets knocked down and Hannah walks over to her. Xandra mock kicks Hannah’s chin and she falls down. Xandra walks over her and places her boot over Hannah’s throat)


XANDRA: You poor, naïve little wretch. You tell Queen Ilhana that her planet won’t be getting its women back. They work for the Emperor and I. In that order.


HANNAH: Oh, I’ll tell her. (Hannah stabs a poison dart into Xandra’s foot, causing her to convulse and fall over. Hannah stands up) But I’ll tell her something different, because I just killed you and I’m gonna save the women.


(Hannah runs past Xandra. Xandra pops up after a few moments and takes the dart out of her leg)


XANDRA: She thinks a poison dart can kill a cyborg? She has no chance against Emperor Magalia.


(Xandra stands up)


DIRECTOR: Cut. (The director, a white guy with a scraggly beard, a dirty blonde map haircut and a trucker’s cap walks on set as Hannah walks back in) I loved that, but let’s do it one more time, with more raw, feminine energy. Okay?


XANDRA: Nate, you’ve gotta be shitting me. We’ve done it five times. I’m so exhausted that I’m gonna die.


HANNAH: Also, Queen Ilhana? Emperor Magalia of Americobola? I don’t remember these names from the books and they’re a little bit on-the-nose, aren’t they?


NATE: I don’t know what you’re talking about, first off, Hannah, secondly, I’m sorry, Xandra, but this needs to be perfect.


(Xandra sighs)


XANDRA: Can we at least take a five?


NATE: That’s fine, take a five. Everyone take a five. In fact, I’ll use my five to take a “Take-Five”.


(Nate pulls out a take-five and eats it. Hannah and Xandra sigh and walk off-set. Cut to Hannah and Xandra walking down the hallway, towards a bathroom)


XANDRA: Babe, come with me.


HANNAH: What? (Xandra drags Hannah into the women’s bathroom) What is it?


XANDRA: This Nate fuckboy is unbelievable, right?


HANNAH: He’s the worst, yeah.


XANDRA: You’re exhausted, right? We’re both exhausted?


HANNAH: Yeah, I feel like I’m gonna collapse.


XANDRA: I just had a literal braingasm of an idea.


HANNAH: What is it?


XANDRA: Don’t freak out.


(Xandra takes out a baggie of coke)


HANNAH: Wha- Xandra!

XANDRA: What? It’s just to give us the energy to get this over with.


HANNAH: We can go downstairs and get a Red Bull, we don’t need to be coked out during the shoot!

XANDRA: Babe, just a tiny bump to get us through, we still got a ton of scenes to shoot.


HANNAH: What are we, Steve from Blue’s Clues? Doing coke while filming a kid’s show?


XANDRA: Did he do that?


HANNAH: I don’t know, probably! I don’t feel comfortable doing cocaine outside the context of a party, babe.


XANDRA: Alright, you won’t hate me if I do some though? (Hannah shrugs. Xandra pours a little on her thumb and hoovers it up) Ooh, shit. That’s gonna get me to the finish line. Bitch, I could shoot the whole season tonight and then run a 10K.


(Hannah scoffs)


HANNAH: Just give me some! (Xandra smiles and pours a little on Hannah’s fingernail. Hannah snorts it up) Oh, Jesus Laweezus…


(Xandra smiles)


XANDRA: You’re adorable. Let me get that. (Xandra sucks on Hannah’s index finger, where the coke nail was. Hannah smiles. Xandra lets her mouth off of it and licks her lips) I think I got it. (Xandra and Hannah kiss and walk out of the bathroom. Cut to Xandra and Hannah on set, Xandra pressing her heel against Hannah’s neck with a crazed look in her eye) You poor, naïve little BITCH! You tell Queen Ilhana that her planet won’t be getting its women back. They work for TWO people! The Emperor and I, in that order! LEARN TO DEAL!


(Hannah smiles wide)




(Hannah violently stabs Xandra in the leg with a poison dart)




(Xandra convulses and falls to the floor. Hannah gets on her feet)



(Hannah runs off set. Xandra shoots up)


XANDRA: She thinks a poison dart can kill a CYBORG?! That ignorant SHIT. She doesn’t stand a chance against Emperor Magalia.


(Xandra stands up and runs screaming offset)


NATE: CUT! (Nate comes onset as Xandra and Hannah bounce back onto the set) Okay, I LOVE the energy there, I think we’ll have to dub over some of the foul language, but I think we got it!

XANDRA: Fuck yeah!



(Xandra screams and jumps with Hannah)


NATE: No, it’s not, we still have like, six more scenes to shoot. (Hannah and Xandra start making out. Nate looks to the crew) Let’s take another tight five, alright, guys?


CAMERMAN: I’m good.


(Nate looks back at Xandra and Hannah)


NATE: …Fair enough.


Cut to Rob at home, with Marianne, posting the “Rob Altmire’s Very Unexpected Announcement @ Tonga Hut, Friday, July 19th, 2019 9PM PST” featuring a picture of him dabbing in front of a picture of California’s 25th district, surrounded by question marks. Rob turns to Marianne) It’s done.


MARIANNE: Beautiful, honey. All we gotta do is put the finishing touches on your speech.


ROB: Absolutely.


MARIANNE: And also, you’re gonna wanna take this- (Marianne takes out a jar of a strange mutli-colored gravel) powdered sea horse before you get up there.


ROB: Oh. (Beat) Can I ask why?


MARIANNE: The ancient Chinese found that it gives the user confidence and strength. Just don’t take it with alcohol.


ROB: I’m gonna want to drink that night, though. Like, a lot. Like more than usual.


MARIANNE: Not that night, okay, hon? Let’s get to your speech.


(Marianne takes brings up the speech on his computer. Rob shrugs)


ROB: …Okay… (Cut to Rob in a suit being filmed hosting HQ Trivia) Welcome to HQ Trivia West Coast, everyone, it is a beautiful night from Seattle to Mexicali- a beautiful night to do trivia and win cash. But you know what isn’t beautiful right now? California’s 25th Congressional District. And that’s because Katie Hill has left it to the dogs these last six months.


(Cut to HQ’s director, just off-set, speaking with another HQ staffer)


HQ DIRECTOR: What the hell is he talking about?


(Cut back to Rob)


ROB: That’s why, I, Robert Altmire, have a very special announcement this Friday night at the Tonga Hut, around 9pm. Anybody is welcome. Even if…even if we know each other and didn’t leave off on the best note. I promise it won’t be awkward, okay, let’s get to Q1!


(Cut to Rob in the HQ Director’s office)


GEORGE: Rob, you can’t promote your political ambitions on HQ!


ROB: George, why not? You guys get like 245,000 players a night at MOST these days, there’s no way you’ll be around a year from now, I might as well use this sinking ship to draw some Angelenos to my bar party!


(George stands up)


HQ DIRECTOR: You pretty much could not have chosen worse words. Get out.


ROB: …Okay, you’re mad, but I’m not fired?


GEORGE: No, you’re fired!


ROB: …For good, though?


(George picks up the phone)


GEORGE: Security.


(Rob throws up his hands)


ROB: Okay! I’m leaving!


(Cut to Whitney walking into Alec’s office the next day. He was gaming on his computer, but quickly puts away his headset and minimizes the window)


WHITNEY: Saw that.


ALEC: Nah.


WHITNEY: Yes. But don’t worry, you can owe me a favor. Which you will do for me now. (Whitney closes the door) Find out what the rest of them are doing tonight and why they’re not telling me.


ALEC: Oh come on, I’m not that guy!

WHITNEY: Then I guess you’re not my assistant. You’ll have to go back to Twitch streaming for fifteen people every night for a fraction of a cent every other week.


(Alec sighs)


ALEC: Fine. I’ll try to see if I can get it out of them.


WHITNEY: You’re the best, Alex.


(Whitney leaves. Alec sits there and stews)


ALEC: Alec.


(Cut to Alec, Rob, Bonnie, Evelyn, Noel, Luther and McKenzie having lunch in the conference room. Alec is enjoying an IN-N-OUT burger, Rob has a Chik-Fil-a Chicken Sandwich, Bonnie has a plate of fried chicken, Evelyn has a cobb salad, Noel has two fish tacos, Luther has Kung-Pao chicken and McKenzie has chicken fried rice)


MCKENZIE: We have a wide variety of meals today, and I think they demonstrate how each of us are unique people.


ROB: Especially Whitney’s meal, which is presumably a bowl of dry cereal being shoved into her mouth in the other room.


LUTHER: I wish Miles was still here, so we could see what crazy-ass lunch he had. Maybe just a trout on a plate.


(They all laugh. Alec forces a laugh)


ALEC: Totally. Hey, so, what are you guys doing tonight?


(They all look at him, thrown off)


BONNIE: Dude, you know what we’re doing, because you’re doing it too. Right?


(Alec furrows his brow)


ALEC: I was just gonna get wasted and stream on Twitch until I pass out, what did you guys have planned?


EVELYN: No, Whitney Stone enlisted him to get this information out of us! Get him!


(Luther grabs Alec’s wrist and death grips it)


ALEC: Agh! Dude, what the hell!?


(Luther lets go)


LUTHER: My bad. Her voice is authoritative as fuck.


MCKENZIE: I thought you got the invite to Hannah and Xandra’s party.


ALEC: Oh, shit, that’s tonight? (Alec looks at Facebook on his phone) Damnit, now I gotta spring this on Tara.


MCKENZIE: Don’t tell Whitney about it, we’re keeping it from her for obvious reasons.


ROB: Yeah, a lot of raw emotions there still, and I imagine it hurts even worse that Hannah went gay after leaving her. (They all stare at him) Wait, no, that doesn’t make sense.


ALEC: I won’t tell her. Because I might as well get fucked up somewhere tonight, instead of at home.


ROB: I like this kid. You should come to my CA-25 announcement party on Friday night.


(Everyone groans)


ALEC: I’ll think about it, man.


(Cut to Alec walking into Whitney’s office)


WHITNEY: What’s the verdict?


ALEC: They didn’t give anything up. Maybe they figure I’m your assistant, so they don’t wanna say too much, but I really think that nothing’s going on tonight.




(Alec appears confused as Michael pops in)


MICHAEL: How can I help ya, boss?


WHITNEY: What are you doing tonight?


MICHAEL: We’re all going to this wrap party hosted by these women named Hannah and Xandra!

(Alec rubs his eyes)


WHITNEY: Thanks.


MICHAEL: No problemo!


(Michael walks off)


ALEC: Well, there’s your answer.


WHITNEY: You knew it, didn’t you?


ALEC: Sure did. Am I fired?


WHITNEY: Just go back to your fucking office. (Alec ambles out of Whitney’s office and returns to his own) MCKENZIE!

(McKenzie walks in, looking down)


MCKENZIE: How goes it, boss?


WHITNEY: Sit down.


(McKenzie sits down)


MCKENZIE: I can’t be fired right now.


WHITNEY: I’m not gonna- since when do I just fire people willy nilly?!


MCKENZIE: I mean, you fired Miles, Rob, Hannah-


WHITNEY: Okay, just, shhh! Okay? Should I go?


MCKENZIE: What do you want to do?


WHITNEY: I want to go. I hate that my own friends are leaving me out of something, even if Hannah and Xandra are there. Remember, I broke up with her!


MCKENZIE: Well. We thought it might be awkward for you, and we were trying to spare you feelings, but that was wrong. If you want to go, you should go. I want you there.


(Whitney gulps and stands up to look out the window)


WHITNEY: …Then I will.


(Whitney gazes out the window for a long time)


MCKENZIE: Feeling pensive?


WHITNEY: No, I’m actually just waiting for a postmate to get here.


MCKENZIE: Oh, gotcha.


(Cut to Rob stopping into Whitney’s office with his bag slung over his shoulder, around five)


ROB: Hey, I’m gonna go, unless you need me.


WHITNEY: It’s fine, you can go.


ROB: You sure? Not even to install cable?




ROB: I can do it, I’m strong, like an Ox.


WHITNEY: It’s not a matter of strength- look, what’s going on Thursday that everybody’s being so dodgy about?


ROB: There really is nothing. I’m just, drinking myself to sleep that night. But Friday night! I have a huge announcement.


WHITNEY: You’re running for Congress-



WHITNEY: I know.


ROB: I’m making the announcement at Tonga Hut, you should stop by.




ROB: You said you wanted to come out more!

(Whitney sighs)


WHITNEY: I’ll try.


ROB: Dope. See you there.


(Rob leaves. Cut to Rob and Marianne placing pamphlets on people’s cars in a random neighborhood in Studio City, around sundown)


MARIANNE: Robert, why did we drive to Studio City to distribute these pamphlets?


ROB: Gotta get the word out, Marianne.


MARIANNE: But, we’re nowhere near CA-25, why would these people be interested-?


ROB: It’s not just about CA-25, it’s about my celebrity! People know me and want to see me in LA, they’d pay to see these pearly whites.


(Rob flashes a smile and places another flyer on a windshield)


MARIANNE: Do you have to pay to go to this event?


ROB: $50 a pop.


(Marianne gets onto her phone)


MARIANNE: Nope, we’re undoing that. (Rob attaches another flyer to a windshield. Once Marianne is done on her phone, she looks up from it) Doesn’t Lilly live around here?


(Rob affects a thinking face)


ROB: Oh yeah, I guess she does. Hmm.


MARIANNE: …Let’s just finish this and go to Hannah’s party.


(Marianne affixes another flyer to a windshield. Cut to Hannah scrolling through a phone connected to a stereo system in Xandra’s huge apartment in West Hollywood. Xandra is taking bottles of alcohol out of brown bags)


XANDRA: What’d you put on the playlist? They better be bangers.


HANNAH: It’s a mixture, I got Lil Nas X, Cardi B, Travis Scott and Migos, per your request, but I also got Tyler, The Creator and Billie Eilish.


(Xandra starts stashing drugs in flowerpots and behind pillows and various nooks of the apartment)


XANDRA: Oh, put A$AP Rocky on there, too, solidarity, since he’s in a Swedish prison right now.




XANDRA: Oh, SHIT! Can we get Swedish meatballs for this party? Those would fucking SLAP.


HANNAH: It’s our AstroManda episode three wrap party, shouldn’t we get, like, space food?


(Xandra finishes stashing drugs and turns to Hannah)


XANDRA: The fuck is space food?


HANNAH: …I don’t know.


XANDRA: Just, can you get the meatballs, babe? You’d be the main bish if you did.


HANNAH: I’ll call IKEA.


(Xandra walks over and kisses her)


XANDRA: You’re the best. (Hannah smiles and walks into the bathroom. In the bathroom, she inspects her eyes in the mirror and they’re clearly bloodshot. She applies some visine to them and blinks a bunch of times. Xandra comes in) You might want to call them soon, I don’t know when they close, and whether they postmate or whatever.


(Hannah turns to Xandra)


HANNAH: Xandy…are we junkies?


XANDRA: …What?


(Hannah wipes away tears)


HANNAH: I feel like the casual cocaine use has become less casual.


XANDRA: Babe, we only do it at parties, yesterday was a one-time-thing, I swear.


HANNAH: Xandra, we have multiple parties a week.


XANDRA: And how does that contradict what I said?


HANNAH: I just feel like we should be careful.


XANDRA: You don’t have to do anything you don’t wanna do. Promise.


(Hannah sighs)


HANNAH: Okay. Thanks, babe.


(Xandra and Hannah hug. Cut to the party. Dozens of attractive Angelenos- including Rob, Marianne, Evelyn, Luther, Bonnie, Noel, Michael, Julia and Nate, are socializing, drinking and some are doing party drugs. Contemporary top 40 Hip-Hop and R&B plays on the impressive stereo system. Hannah and Xandra are sitting on the couch, socializing with Bonnie and Noel)


XANDRA: So, you were an orphan? That’s fucking awesome. Did you get in fights and stuff?


BONNIE: Yeah, I got in a few scraps, here and there. And there and there and there. Everybody was deathly afraid of me.


NOEL: Include me in that list.


(They laugh. Nate walks over)


NATE: Hey, there, Noel, is it?


NOEL: Yeah?


NATE: How old are you?


BONNIE: Who the fuck is asking?


HANNAH: Nate, what are you doing?


NATE: I’m just saying, he looks young and legally, we need to be careful.


HANNAH: There is a collective mountain of illegal drugs in this room to begin with, so just go away, alright?


XANDRA: Nobody likes you, courtesy invite, go away.


NATE: Well. That is not the response I expected. Carry on then.


(Nate walks away. McKenzie and Whitney walk in, closely followed by Alec and Tara. They look over at them)


HANNAH: Holy shit. What is she-?




(Rob walks over with Marianne)


ROB: This is grade A drama and I want to witness and egg it on, if nobody minds.


HANNAH: I mind!

NOEL: Sorry, Hannah, she found out. One of the interns blew it.


XANDRA: It’s fine, babe, let’s just be nice. In fact, this is kind of lit. Let’s see where it goes.


(McKenzie and Whitney approach)


HANNAH: Oh God, there they come.


(McKenzie and Whitney arrive)


WHITNEY: Hannah, Xandra, good to see you both.


HANNAH: Didn’t expect to see you, Whitney, but it is a pleasure indeed.


XANDRA: The fuck are you two, Victorian bitches at teatime? Have a joint for fuck’s sake, Whitney, enjoy yourself.


(Xandra takes a joint out of her pocket and hands it to Whitney)


WHITNEY: Oh. (Beat) Thanks.


(Whitney sticks it in her mouth and McKenzie takes out her lighter and lights it)


XANDRA: Enjoy it, too, that’s strong shit.


(Whitney coughs a bit and hands it to McKenzie)


WHITNEY: It’s good. Been a while, though.


(McKenzie takes a hit)


MCKENZIE: Holy shit, this is strong.


XANDRA: Only the best. Read the sign.


WHITNEY: What sign?


HANNAH: Well, it was nice seeing you, let’s go, talk wiiiiith… (Hannah scans the room and finds Alec and Tara standing in a corner with drinks in hand) Alec and Tara!


(Hannah pulls Xandra away with her. Whitney looks at McKenzie and smiles slyly. McKenzie offers the joint back, Whitney shrugs and takes another hit)


ROB: Stop bogarting the spliff, ladies!


MCKENZIE: “Bogarting the spliff”? Jesus Christ, you’re old.


ROB: Shut up, no I’m not!

MARIANNE: To be fair, as old he is, he’s still robbing the grave.


(Marianne smiles and puts her hands around Rob)


WHITNEY: Oh, great, you’re still here. Let’s go sit, Kenz. (McKenzie and Whitney walk over and sit on the couch. Cut to them sunk into the couch, watching the party unfold) …She’s changed so much…


MCKENZIE: I know…in only six or seven months.


WHITNEY: Now she’s gonna be on TV…I’ll see her face and stupid Xandra’s face on billboards…


MCKENZIE: …I know, babe…


WHITNEY: Maybe I’ll buy up all the billboards in LA county…




(Cut to Hannah and Xandra talking privately in the kitchen, while Xandra cuts up a line of coke)


HANNAH: Please don’t talk to Whitney too much, okay?


XANDRA: Why? You’re making it awkward by trying to avoid her.


HANNAH: It’s not that, I make things awkward by just acting normally, it’s just that, I think you being super comfortable with her makes her uncomfortable. It’s disarming.


XANDRA: Whatever.


(Xandra snorts a line. Hannah looks over at Whitney and McKenzie, who are talking on the couch. She looks back at the cocaine)


HANNAH: Can I get in on that?


XANDRA: You sure?






(Xandra moves aside and Hannah jumps off the counter, takes a straw and starts snorting. Cut to Whitney and McKenzie. Whitney notices this and jumps up)


WHITNEY: Oh, my God!


(McKenzie jumps up)


MCKENZIE: Whitney, don’t stare, honey, okay?


(Whitney turns to McKenzie, clearly a little high)


WHITNEY: What is she doing? I gotta go stop her!

(McKenzie puts her hands on Whitney’s shoulders)


MCKENZIE: It’s done, dude, there’s nothing you can do.


WHITNEY: Ohhh, but I wanna save her! Pleeeeaase!


MCKENZIE: No, Whitney, once you broke up with her, you gave up the right to intervene in her life. Okay?


(Whitney whines, but then “Bodak Yellow” by Cardi B comes on)


WHITNEY: Oh, this is a good song…


MCKENZIE: Yeah, let’s dance, okay?




(McKenzie and Whitney start dancing, as Whitney slowly gets her mind off Hannah. Cut to Hannah looking at Whitney and McKenzie dancing)


HANNAH: I guess Kevin is flying tonight…


(Xandra shrugs)


XANDRA: I guess.


(Cut to Whitney walking into the bathroom. She puts toilet paper down on the seat, sits down and pees, as we cut in on her stoned face. She scans the bathroom. Cut to her washing her hands. She stops the water when she notices a baggie of cocaine taped to the back of the tank. She stares at it for several seconds and then takes it, throws it in the toilet and flushes it. She runs the sink once more, puts her hands under for a moment, turns it off and leaves. Cut to Alec and Tara talking to a coked-up Hannah in the kitchen)


HANNAH: Oh my God, you guys are so young and cute and crazy-looking! How have you been?!


ALEC: We’re, good.


TARA: Just fine, yeah.


HANNAH: I appreciate the effort you put forward, Tara, look at you!


TARA: Well. Thanks. I bought Alec this shirt.


ALEC: Makes me look like an adult.


TARA: But that doesn’t mean he acts like one.


(Hannah laughs way too hard at this joke, visibly freaking Alec and Tara out a little bit)



(Xandra walks in)


XANDRA: HEY! (Everyone turns to her) Turn off the music!


(Nate turns off the stereo)


HANNAH: Babe, what is it?


XANDRA: Who took the coke in the bathroom?!


(Darla raises her hand)


DARLA: I took coke in the bathroom!


XANDRA: NO! Who TOOK it?! I had a baggie of coke stashed behind the toilet and it’s gone! (Whitney squirms uncomfortably on the couch, next to McKenzie, whose cigarette is dangling out of her mouth in shock) WELL, WHO TOOK IT?! I invite you all into my house, graciously offer my booze and some of my drugs, but you can’t just take whatever you want!


(McKenzie looks over at Whitney, who looks at her and shrugs)


HANNAH: Xandra, come on, it wasn’t that much, was it-


XANDRA: IT’S COKE, HANNAH! It’s expensive as shit! I want to know who did it, line up!


HANNAH: You guys don’t have to line up-


XANDRA: LINE UP, LET’S GO! Nobody’s leaving until someone fesses up.


(Darla stands up)


DARLA: You heard the bitch, line the fuck up!


(Everybody except Hannah and Darla reluctantly begins to line up, while grumbling confusedly)


ROB: Xandra, this is ridiculous.


(Xandra walks up to Rob)


XANDRA: Is that really what you want to say when my shit’s missing? Turn out your pockets, Altmire!


(Rob turns out his pockets, and his phone wallet, keys, a condom and a pack of cigarettes falls out)


ROB: I don’t have it, Xandra, come on.


XANDRA: What about the tweaker over here? (Xandra walks over to an insanely coked-up, skinny bald dude with wild eyes) I bet you just couldn’t get enough and took advantage of my kindness, huh!? Serves me right for inviting a Best Boy.


BEST BOY: But I am a Best Boy!

XANDRA: You’re a BAD boy, that’s what you are.


WHITNEY: Jesus, Xandra, it was me! (Everyone looks at her) I took it, and I flushed it!


(Xandra walks over to Whitney)


HANNAH: Xandra, don’t-




WHITNEY: I saw that Hannah was doing coke and I didn’t like it, and I’m high, so I did something stupid, I flushed the coke.


(Hannah sighs, exasperated and looks at her feet. Xandra grinds her teeth and then swallows)


XANDRA: Venmo me a hundred bucks. Right after you leave. Which is right now.


(Whitney sighs)


WHITNEY: I’m sorry. (Whitney walks toward the door, passing by Hannah) I’m sorry.


(Whitney leaves. McKenzie finishes her cigarette and puts it out on Xandra’s carpet, eliciting gasps)




(McKenzie storms out of the apartment. Xandra angrily picks up the cigarette butt and throws it in the trash can as everyone stares at her)


XANDRA: The FUCK are you staring at?! Go back to partying!


(Xandra walks over to Hannah, but Hannah storms into the bedroom. Xandra sighs and leans against the counter as people gradually return to socializing. Alec and Tara walk over)


TARA: Hey, I think we’re gonna head out.


XANDRA: Of course!


(Alec and Tara glare as they leave. Rob and Marianne approach)


ROB: Hey, we’re gonna-


XANDRA: Just get the hell out of here.


ROB: Thank you for a lovely night.


(Rob and Marianne leave. Xandra rubs her temples. Cut to Rob brushing his teeth in the mirror, while Marianne removes her shoes on the bed behind him)


MARIANNE: I could tell the energy fields surrounding her apartment were incredibly off-balance.


ROB: (Muffled) For sure.


(Rob spits and washes out his sink)


MARIANNE: You ready for tomorrow night?


ROB: You’re damn right, I am. (Rob starts trimming his beard) Katie Hill might drop out.


MARIANNE: At the very least, Lilly will be impressed. (Rob turns to Marianne) Don’t pretend like that’s not your real goal.


ROB: It’s not.


MARIANNE: Don’t lie to me, Robert, I have a sixth sense for when people lie to me!

ROB: It’s NOT a sixth sense! You’re just using the other senses! Okay?! You don’t have superpowers, Marianne!


MARIANNE: Let’s do an exercise. That way we can discern the truth.


ROB: Great, let’s do it, I have nothing to hide.


MARIANNE: It’s called an aquatic cleansing, it’s refreshing, it rehydrates the body, and it tends to cause people to speak their truth.


ROB: Terrific, let’s do it.


MARIANNE: Lie on the ground.


(Rob lies down. Marianne walks over, grabs a towel, wets it and lays it gently on Rob’s face)


ROB: Ooh, warm.


MARIANNE: That’s right, nice, isn’t it?


(Marianne walks out of the room)


ROB: …Marianne? You there?


(A few moments later, she comes back with a pot of water and pours it on Rob’s face)


MARIANNE: Honey, do you still love Lilly?!


(Rob sits up and has a coughing fit)





(Rob stands up and takes a few moments)


ROB: I’m going to bed. (Rob washes off his face and removes his shirt and climbs into bed. Marianne tears up and flees the bedroom. Cut to Rob in his office, checking the Facebook event, seeing those who have expressed interest, including McKenzie Park, Whitney Stone, Bonnie Backlash, Noel Masterson, Michael Chernoff, Luther Moon, Evelyn Prost and others- but no Lilly. He sighs and minimizes the window. He turns to see Luther, Evelyn, McKenzie, Bonnie, Noel, Michael, Julia and Alec sitting in front of him) Okay, I know that I said this meeting was about Susan B. Trippin’s direction, but it’s actually about something much more important. (They all sigh) I want you all to work on my campaign. Noel for Social Media director, Bonnie for Press Secretary, McKenzie! Your boyfriend could be my personal jet pilot!


MCKENZIE: Oh, that’s good for, him.


ROB: Luther could do Urban Outreach-


LUTHER: Come on.


ROB: Evelyn, you could do, outreach to freaks and deviants.




ROB: McKenzie! (She perks up) You could be a stewardess on my personal plane piloted by your boyfriend!

MCKENZIE: Seriously?


ROB: So, what do you guys say? (They all grumble and shrug) What?


BONNIE: Rob, we’re not gonna work for ya. I’m way too busy with my day job here, and my night job shooting porn with Noel-


NOEL: We don’t have to broadcast our business like that.


BONNIE: I just can’t do it.


LUTHER: Plus, I don’t hate Katie Hill. She seems cool.


(Most of them mumble in agreement)

ROB: Are you serious?! She was very rude to me! Especially recently, and also, her job performance has been…not very good, let me tell you!


JULIA: Go ahead. Tell us.


ROB: I will! Tonight! You know what, get the hell outta here, all of you! You don’t believe in me, fine! I’ll have to do it myself, just like everything else!


(They all start funneling out, but McKenzie stays behind)


MCKENZIE: For the record, I don’t like Katie Hill either.


ROB: Thank you!

MCKENZIE: But it’s mostly because I’m a leftist. And she’s a corporatist.


ROB: I mean…yeah, me too.


MCKENZIE: Rob. I believe you can do this. But there’s one big thing standing in your way. And I think you know what I’m talking about.


(McKenzie leaves. Rob sits back and looks down. Cut to the Tonga Hut. Numerous guests are congregating and getting drinks at the bar and at their tables, from waiters and waitresses. There’s a microphone up front, and a big sign behind it that reads “ALTMIRE 2020- #KATIESOVERTHEHILL”. Cut to backstage. Rob is in a suit and Marianne is straightening his tie)


MARIANNE: You look nice.


ROB: Thank you.


MARIANNE: I’m sorry about last night.


ROB: …It’s alright…


MARIANNE: I don’t think Lilly is out there, tonight, I haven’t seen her. But no worries- (Marianne gives Rob the ground-up seahorse in a jar) you’ve got this. I think it’ll make you light up out there.


(Rob takes it)


ROB: Great. Thanks. (Rob walks to the bathroom and dumps it in the toilet and flushes it. He then fixes his hair on the mirror and comes out) Alright, I’m ready.


MARIANNE: You took the seahorse?


ROB: Sure did.


(Marianne smiles and kisses Rob on the mouth. Cut to Marianne speaking in front of the microphone to the attendees at the event)


MARIANNE: That’s why I’m proud to be a friend, his mentor, and a lover, to the next Congressman from California’s 25th district, ROBERT ALTMIRE!


(Applause as Rob comes on stage, kisses Marianne and takes the microphone)


ROB: LET ME HEAR IT, STUDIO CITYYYYYY! (More applause) Man. What a ride the last couple days have been. I’m gonna go off script, if that’s cool. (Marianne, sitting at the table, furrows her brow) I ran for CA-25 last year, I was recruited by the California Dems in 2017, because they thought they needed a reality show star to win elections, like, that’s how simple their thinking was. They didn’t give me enough credit; I had a real agenda for America then and I do now. Of course, they quickly found another candidate in Katie Hill, who, true story, used to be homeless! Which is fine, but, wow!


WHITNEY: Rob, no.


ROB: It’s true!

WHITNEY: It’s not, she was, like, a homeless advocate, I think, she worked to end homelessness.


ROB: Well…I support that, for sure. But she’s supported Trump’s defense budget! Right, McKenzie?




ROB: Right! She sucks! And now there’s the kids in cages, what is she doing about that?! (Rob sighs) Career politicians like Katie Hill will never be the answer! She’s been there for six months, and what has she done?! Exactly! Squat! She’s been in Washington too long. If I get to Capitol Hill, which I will, I’m going to do things right! I’ll walk up to- what’s his name? The Republican Leader?


WHITNEY: Kevin McCarthy.


ROB: Yeah! Kevin McConnell! (Whitney shakes her head) I’d walk up to him and tell him, “no sir! You don’t get to do, this! What you’re doing! It’s not right!” and then we’d pass healthcare, jobs, wages, climate science, and we’d go to Mars by end of 2025! And the space ship would take off RIGHT from Simi Valley! That’ll create good jobs right here in Simi Valley! Or, right over there, like, 30 miles that way! Now, some of you might say, “Rob, you don’t live in Santa Clarita, you live in Bel Air, why are you running for CA-25?” Well, fucker, I’ll tell you! First off, constitution says you simply have to be a resident of the state, not necessarily the district, second, I DO live in Santa Clarita; I have an apartment there! Yes! I did buy it in 2017, but I pay rent and everything! And utilities! Utilities is usually not that expensive, but I pay it! And I do go there sometimes! And my pledge to you is this, if elected, I will move full-time to Santa Clarita! Oh, I forgot to mention- I’m running to represent California’s 25th Congressional District! Applaud! (Applause) We’re filed! And I’m running as a Democrat to unseat corrupt Katie Hill! Tweet with #KatiesOverTheHill! And my first decision as a candidate is to fire my Campaign Manager, Marianne Johannsen.


(Gasps. Marianne stands up)




ROB: I’m sorry, Marianne. But you’re just not good for me. I’m sorry. I know who I need to run my campaign. (Rob points to McKenzie) McKenzie Park.


(McKenzie perks up as everyone turns to her)




ROB: Yes! This woman is talented, she is caring, she is one of the most compassionate people I’ve ever seen, and she’s a hard worker. So I’m bringing her on board. What do you say?


(McKenzie takes a few beats as she looks around)




ROB: YES! We got her! (Cautious applause, as Marianne angrily storms out) Alright. Let’s get this- (Rob picks up the donation jar, which has a couple of bills in it) donation jar circulating. (Rob gives it Luther, who puts in a dollar and passes it on) Whitney- I know you’re concerned about doing the campaign on work time, but I promise you, the vast majority of my campaign work will be done after hours. We can be After-Hours buddies! Right? (Whitney laughs and covers her face) Exactly! Just McKenzie and I and maybe a few other staffers, plotting and planning. And here’s another thing about Katie Hill, though-


(Cut to Xandra texting on the couch as Hannah walks in, wearing shoes and holding her car keys)


XANDRA: Where you going?


(Hannah holds up a wad of cash)


HANNAH: I’m gonna guy some coke for your birthday party. From a guy in the valley.


XANDRA: Is that a wad of ones?


HANNAH: I’ll be back.


(Hannah leaves. Xandra shrugs and goes back to texting. Cut back to Rob’s event)


ROB: I lost my virginity to my 11th grade math teacher. There, there’s your oppo research, I got it out there before you could!


(Hannah walks in and goes over to sit at Whitney’s table)


WHITNEY: Hannah, what are you-?


(Hannah hugs Whitney. Whitney is thrown off, but she pats Hannah on the back)


HANNAH: Thank you.


(Hannah relinquishes the hug and places the wad of ones into Rob’s jar)


ROB: OH! Wad of cash from none other than Hannah Delaney, everyone! Give it up! (People applaud, and Rob high-fives Hannah. Hannah smiles and walks out. Whitney looks as she leaves and smirks as the applause dies down) Wow, that ruled. Okay, where was I-?


MCKENZIE: ROB! We’re about forty-five minutes into this, and as your campaign manager, I think maybe we should wrap up.


ROB: Oh.


MCKENZIE: I mean, besides, we’ve got a lot of work to do.


ROB: That’s the spirit. Thanks a ton, you guys rule! Let’s take CA-25 by storm!


(Rob drops the mic and dabs as people applaud. McKenzie walks over and hugs him. Whitney and the rest of Stone Productions jump to their feet and give a standing ovation. Cut to Xandra texting in bed. Hannah comes in and lies right next to her)


XANDRA: Did you get it?


HANNAH: No, I…I lost it.


XANDRA: What?!

HANNAH: Yeah. Must’ve been pick-pocketed.


XANDRA: Jesus, Hannah, like I haven’t lost enough money this week.


(Xandra stands up and storms into the bathroom. Hannah wipes away a tear. Cut to black)



Submitted: July 23, 2019

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