The Anomaly

Reads: 751  | Likes: 14  | Shelves: 8  | Comments: 29

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Fantasy  |  House: Review Chain

When Fantasy meets Horror.
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Recent Comments

WinnerWire

great detail and descriptions
this is more than a draft

Tue, July 30th, 2019 5:52am

Celtic-Scribe63

quite a compelling start.
I would try to break up the blocks of writing into smaller paragraphs.
It reads more easily.
apart from that, you are on the right track with your writing and the story.
It was told very well with lots of good descriptive text.
nice job.

Tue, July 30th, 2019 9:55pm

C. S. Spence

Its a sort of rule of thumb to begin a book with narration and description so we know "when, where and why" we are. I felt a little too thrown into the middle of everything, and couldn't find my bearings. But the situation itself sounds pretty interesting, and the protagonist seems to be a man of action, which I like. Keep it up, good work.

Tue, July 30th, 2019 10:26pm

Artic Wolf 1984

I like how you begin your first chapter with words that get the action going. It draws the reader in and makes you want to continue. With shorter stories, I always find it better to get the action going by maybe starting the story with dialogue rather than a slow steady start, which in my opinion is better suited for longer novels. You do a good job with your start. Also, good use of adjectives. I always think it's important to use all the five senses when you write a story. It's good to use sounds and smells and touch (not just sight) when you are describing something. Keep it up!

Wed, July 31st, 2019 2:23am

Adrienne Whitaker

So far it is really good! The way that you started right in the action of the story was a really interesting choice and it has a way of making the story more compelling because you want to know what led the characters to be in that situation.
The only advice I could offer was mentioned by a few other people but it's just to make your paragraphs shorter to make the passage a little more readable. Also, I find that reading a passage out loud makes it easier to correct grammar so try that!

Wed, July 31st, 2019 3:23am

Fiona Kerlyn

nice start. I loved the suspense created as well as your writing style.

Wed, July 31st, 2019 10:03am

Fiona Kerlyn

nice start. I loved the suspense created as well as your writing style.

Wed, July 31st, 2019 10:03am

Ruelynn

There was a typo, I have a million in mine I'm sure, but this one will make people laugh and that could distract from reading. In the section that begins "This is for thinking you can escape" there's a word that should be 'launched' or 'lunged' but it says 'lunched'. Aside from that I like how I feel desperate along with him. As a gamer, I tend to exhaust myself putting myself into what I'm doing and it's the same with reading. I like to be in there, you did a really good job of it. I also like that it's in POV I always found that's not my strong suit, although I have tried a million times just to come up short and do a sorta hodge podge style narrative.
This also reminded me of an awful dream I used to have once a month about being abducted by aliens.

Wed, July 31st, 2019 5:08pm

Skyhawkthemantis

Since paragraph detail and narrative start have been addressed, I will go with some other opportunities.

Consider cutting out the use of passive voice for this. Since this scene is very action based, you don't want to entrapt the narrative in would and should. (Example: The room was spinning but in the corner of my eyes I (could see) she was strapped to the table).

Also, try to show more than tell. Especially, when describing how things look. The more details of the room, the greater visual impact.

Wed, July 31st, 2019 5:52pm

Author
Reply

This is great advice, thank you. I do need a more active voice in scenes that are more action packed and fast paced. I knew I was missing something but just couldnt see it. Another writers perspective is just what I needed.

Wed, July 31st, 2019 12:13pm

hullabaloo22

An intriguing first chapter.

Wed, July 31st, 2019 8:04pm

A. G. Smith

Your introduction is compelling, however, I would try to set the stage a little bit so that the reader has a little more grasp on what is going on. The protagonist was a little hard to invest myself in, mostly because the action set in so quickly that I hardly had time to learn anything about what kind of person he is or what led to his current situation. While action can be good for a "hook", it also can be risky, as it may fall flat if the reader doesn't care enough to see what happens. I also left some in-line critiques that hopefully will help with grammar and flow.

You are a talented writer, so please don't take my criticisms as being a jerk. I want you to build the best world that you can, and the way I learned is by having people show me where my flaws are.

Great job on what you've done so far!

Thu, August 1st, 2019 1:32am

Author
Reply

Thank you so much for the feedback and the in-line critiques. I did my best to adjust accordingly. You're also a talented writer so I take your comments to heart. I hope you will follow my story when I edit and add more chapters. I could really use the guidance of someone like you :)

Fri, August 2nd, 2019 12:57pm

Jolan.H

alright as stated your descriptions are spot on, your fight sequence might need just a little work. I do not say this to insult you. You do not need force to pull a sword from a scabbard, "My hand was a blur as it grasped the hilt of the blade, sliding it out in a flash of silver. The guards face went from triumphant to shocked as the sharp metal entered his chest. Second unless your character has super strength, you might want him to be aiming for the unprotected spots in the armor. Heavy armor was the tank of the middle ages, and no sword pierced it quickly. Third address his wound near the end, he got hurt plain pure and simple. It stands to reason he is bleeding too, you will have to work that in there. It will add drama, and make your character an underdog to root for.

Having said all of that, check out without destiny, bear in mind it is a rough draft

Thu, August 1st, 2019 10:28pm

RosaliaJerika

I finally got time to read your story...
I enjoyed this chapter. I didn't see anything wrong so far. Although I'm not a fan of using profanities in stories...
I like that you kept things vague for this chapter...It keeps things interesting...
Overall, I liked it!

Mon, August 5th, 2019 5:37am

R L Davis Hays

This begins as "in medias res" as you can get! Nice job! The protagonist is quickly defined and his emotion reads as genuine. I like it quite a bit! This sounds like something I would definitely keep reading. Aside from a little editing to flow and paragraph structure, which is not something to worry about until the major editing phase, this is a well written, compelling story draft for the first chapter.

Tue, August 6th, 2019 3:02am

Anti-HyperLink

Well, the content is pretty great, nothing too wrong with the story itself, but your grammar needs to be cleaned up. Some of your separate sentences could be one sentence and you're missing punctuation in "mans", which should be "man's".

Other than that, the only thing that is off is calling the torture devices medieval. If the story is medieval itself then that description is unnecessary.

Tue, August 6th, 2019 3:06pm

miles star

its a very interesting story, a bit rushy, especially in the beginning though. id say focus more on your setting, like maybe have the protagonist awaken with his muse and explain the area a bit before he gains complete consciousness or such. but i like the quick build up, you certainly left no room for bordom!!

Sun, September 8th, 2019 12:51am

darkrose03

cool writing I loved it very much it's clearly described ll the incident thumbs up uwu.....

Fri, September 13th, 2019 11:23am

simon arthur

That was a creepy story. Like how he stabbed that fat bastard in the stomach. He deserved it for how he treated his girlfriend. I hope he saves her.

Thu, October 31st, 2019 7:35am

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