The Noble Victim

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic

Submitted: August 10, 2019

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Submitted: August 10, 2019

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I close my eyes and see that you have moved on, changed your style, a woman born anew. I wonder if you have taken these measures to suffocate your sorrow, or if you no longer feel the pain of our departure. Either way such fancies are self-serving, and I ought to remember that life doesn’t revolve around me, that I am neither the sole cause of one’s agony, nor the perpetrator of their growth. Perhaps you have decided to take pain by the neck and wrestle it to the ground. Or maybe you have found ways to make peace with your inner chaos. Or better yet, maybe our departure caused you no suffering to begin with. Regardless, behind the curtains that have dawned on daylight, you seem to be dancing with happiness - a dance I willingly chose not to learn, a dance I never thought I deserved to learn. 

 

Thus my prostrated figure remains, motionless in its resting place. My bed is an open casket, hot as hellfire, my bedpost a pedestal upon which I perch like a vulture, picking at the remains of the past. I shall never cut ties with memories I once swore to part with, for without the past that defined me I am nothing, and I would much rather be a slave to my past than a man free to roam the wastelands of time. Now that time is on my side, I see a horizon outlined by infinite possibilities, the contours of countless futures, yet I am scared to chase after them. I may run out of breath. I may see a fallen branch and go toward it, just to make myself trip on purpose. Then I could turn around and scream, “Look at me everyone! I have bruised my knee! This damned branch caused me to fall and now I can no longer move! I guess future has to wait for my bruises to heal first.” And thus I would find a new resting place, a new excuse to play the victim. “If I am destined to be the victim”, I utter to myself in disgust, “then I might as well save everyone the trouble and stay in the same place. Why should I go after what I want if I’m bound to fail? Why should I go after what I want when people have told me, time and time again, that with my personality traits I could never succeed? I cannot compete with others in a world that demands a quick pace, and I cannot expect others to wait for me.” 

 

So I will stay and write a to-do list on my wrist. I will stay and watch the shadows of possible futures play a pantomime on the bedroom ceiling. I will open my mouth with the intention to scream but laugh silently instead, laughing at myself, at my weaknesses, at the selfish man who’s pathetic enough to always play the victim, the man who never possessed any qualities that would make him a good partner, the man who was bound to lose before the race even began, and learned only how to be a victim. 

 

 


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