The Boy on Page One

Reads: 4215  | Likes: 2  | Shelves: 1  | Comments: 2

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Reddit
  • Pinterest
  • Invite

Status: Finished  |  Genre: Young Adult  |  House: Review Chain

Hakuo Krenn is done existing in his dark past of abduction, amnesia, assault to the body and emotional pain. He's done living in a marked grave.. He's ready to live and love. (Seq: Obituary Boys)

Table of Contents

Slumber Party


It's been such a long time since Hakuo fell into a coma. Everyone is beginning to wonder if he will ever get out of it.
Read Chapter

Swindlers


The Lands can't leave it alone. It's gone too far. They have to see Hakuo.
Read Chapter

Finding what shelf to fit on


Hakuo can't have a moment of peace. Zane is starting to wonder if his brother's last words were true.
Read Chapter

Human Error (part1)


It's over with the Land family. Ai gets a visit from a unexpected stranger.
Read Chapter

Human Error (Part 2)


It's time to party over Hakuo's release from the hospital.
Read Chapter

Evil lives here (part 1)


Hakuo is going into recovery as an addict of self-loathing.
Read Chapter

Evil lives here (P2)


Hakuo decides to make things right, at a better pace.
Read Chapter

Evil Lives Here (part 3)


Going to the movies has begun to lose its appeal.
Read Chapter

I hate this love song (P 1)


Hakuo has a great idea after leaving the theater.
Read Chapter

I hate this love song (P 2)


Hakuo and Gev hit the town for a date.. A friend zone date.
Read Chapter

I hate this love song (P 3)


So hot and bothered, but can't seem to get it right.
Read Chapter

Toxic (P 2)


Hakuo must face who he is, when others tell him that he's not.
Read Chapter

You're a portion of a million (part 2)


Hakuo is ready to leave home. Ai Land is ready to leave sanity.
Read Chapter

You're a portion of a million (P 3)


So that's what it means to humbled and small
Read Chapter

A Boy Named Charlie Brown (P-1)


Hakuo can make the most of the crappy situation, he just needs a moment to think of how.
Read Chapter

A Boy Named Charlie Brown (P 3)


Little by little Hakuo is getting to Gev.
Read Chapter

Tell me what the rain knows (P-1)


Ai needs the truth, but he's afraid to know it and face it.
Read Chapter

Tell me what the rain knows (P-3)


Sometimes you just give in to what being in love can be about.
Read Chapter

Open Season (Part 1)


The feeling of tension is getting stronger, Gev is fighting the best he can.
Read Chapter

Open Season (Part 2)


Hakuo clears the air with his sister.
Read Chapter

Open Season (Part 3)


Sunny Quispe.. it's hard to know how to feel about him.
Read Chapter

Heal this moment (part 1)


Gev does a little spying, wondering what happened to his Sundays
Read Chapter

Heal this moment (part 2)


Something has been bothering Nathen and he finds time to address it, but he's not so sure he likes the answer.
Read Chapter

Heal this moment (part 3)


Hakuo is feeling raw after talking to Nathen, he finds a way to let it out.
Read Chapter

Chapter One: Being Calm


Yakusoku is beginning to suspect that something is up with Gev.
Read Chapter

Chapter One: Being Calm (part 2)


Hakuo's plan to gain Gev's attention seems to be working, but how well? It could just be a mild upset but hopefully something deeper.
Read Chapter

Chapter One: Be Calm (part 3)


Rev can't decide who to give his love to.. or has he made a decision?
Read Chapter

Sad promises (part 1)


Hakuo has a method to the madness of getting what he wants, a little page taken from the voice in the back of his mind.
Read Chapter

Sad Promises (part 2)


Hakuo and Gev are trying not to star in the lead role of emotionally constipated, while Nathen films his movie.
Read Chapter

Sad Promises (part 3)


Yakusoku can't take the games anymore. He needs to know the truth about Hakuo and Gev
Read Chapter

Trouble Brewing


Yakusoku can't let go of his suspicion about Gev and Hakuo, but Gev is the one to confront him.
Read Chapter

Trouble Brewing (part 2)


Hakuo is getting pumped up for his classes at the police academy.
Read Chapter

Trouble Brewing (part 3)


It's time to train, thankfully not Mulan style.
Read Chapter

We're all monsters


Hakuo tends to forget he's depressed, but not today.
Read Chapter

We're all monsters (part 2)


Hakuo is doing his best at the academy.
Read Chapter

We're all monsters (part 3)


A small fight could lead to big change.
Read Chapter

Is it me or the disagree?


Hakuo is wondering if he's being put-on by Gev wanting to talk to him. Gev is wondering exactly what to say to Hakuo about their relationship, because he has come to terms with his own "hard
truths".
Read Chapter

Is it me or the disagree (Part 3)


Ludwig has questions, but he isn't quite ready for the answers.
Read Chapter

Peg Solitaire


Ludwig and Yakusoku have a talk
Read Chapter

Peg Solitaire (part 2)


Everyone is having a fit of bad luck.
Read Chapter

Peg Solitaire (part 3)


Hakuo spends some time at home, getting caught up on the latest with his family, and his budding love.
Read Chapter

Lay your worth on me


It's never going to be easy, so just take a bow and say goodbye.
Read Chapter

Lay your worth on me (part 2)


Hakuo confirms his place in Gev's life; but he shouldn't get to comfortable, as a dark shadow crests into his light.
Read Chapter

Get Myself Back


It's Hakuo and Gev's first night together as a couple, but there seems to be four sleeping in the bed.
Read Chapter

Get Myself Back (part 2)


It's not easy dating someone new, especially when "weird" is the new romantic.
Read Chapter

Get Myself Back (part 3)


Hakuo has to deal with Yakusoku to avoid anymore unpleasant confrontation.
Read Chapter

Intimacy


Everything just can't seem to go well for everyone at the same time. Life is too much of a seesaw.
Read Chapter

Intimacy (part 2)


Hakuo talks to Ludwig, hoping he'll be more understanding.
Read Chapter

Intimacy (part 3)


The new couple feels a need to be naked.
Read Chapter

We're changing too much


Hakuo reminisces about the past when wondering about his future.
Read Chapter

We're changing too much (part 2)


Gev has to find out where he stands, the hard way
Read Chapter

We're changing too much (part 3)


Movie night at the Krenn-Small home ends on a high mark, but the night is ruined in a long plummet back to reality.
Read Chapter

The best plan is to go on from it


Hakuo can't feel comfortable, it's upsetting. And he does not like being upset.
Read Chapter

The best plan is to go on from it (part 2)


Gev discovers how deep his feelings for Hakuo go.
Read Chapter

The best plan is to go on from it (part 3)


Hakuo feels he has an idea as to who is behind the vandalism
Read Chapter

Here comes some regrets


Vann Small snoops for a stalker; Hakuo goes back to school to some good news gossip.
Read Chapter

Here comes some regrets (part 2)


Hakuo speaks with his therapist. Gev and Yakusoku bond.
Read Chapter

Staying as myself


Get takes Hakuo out on a date.
Read Chapter

Staying as myself (part 3)


Hakuo has a visitor; and an eye opening heart-to-heart with his sister.
Read Chapter

Don't let me get me


Hakuo investigates the two suspects in the Gev harassment case he's created.
Read Chapter

Don't let me get me (part 2)


Can anyone explain why nightmares are more vivid than dreams?
Read Chapter

Don't let me get me (part 4)


The big picture from a small question.
Read Chapter

It was so obvious (part 2)


Hakuo leaves Gev to celebrate his birthday.
Read Chapter

It was so obvious (part 3)


Hakuo may have solved the mystery of the stalker.
Read Chapter

Never to be the boy on page one


Hakuo has his first official cop assignment. He's ready to do a good job, but it's Halloween a day when all the creeps like to come out.
Read Chapter

Never to be the boy on page one (part 3)


It's a search and rescue for some, but for Hakuo.. if anyone has taken his son.. it's a seek and destroy.
Read Chapter

Never to be the boy on page one (End)


Nobody wants to see you live, they'd rather watch you fall. But, Hakuo won't live like that anymore. If his life was a book.. he'd never become that boy on page one.
Read Chapter


  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Reddit
  • Pinterest
  • Invite

Recent Comments

avatar

C. S. Spence

You are really good at inciting emotion. There's a lot of struggle and personality in each character, and that makes reading very rewarding. Your dialogue, and expression of internal thought feels very natural.

There are some technical hiccups that are holding back the full potential of this work, though:

You "head hop", jumping from perspective to perspective with no warning, and it makes the flow choppy. I think you would benefit from staying in 1 or 2 people's heads, otherwise the reader doesn't know where they are, or who they should be sympathizing with at any given moment. Choose someone, and tell the story from their eyes, even with that limitation it makes the story more immersive and coherent.

The "journal entry" style of listing progression of time is a bit weak. If that is the style you are going for, then it would serve you well to make each "day" its own chapter, and each "day" would benefit from being in 1 person's point of view.

The narrator should be the character whose POV we are in. Your narrator jumps from being in many heads at once, to none, and its a bit taxing.

You mix the past and present tense together, "Taking a seat, she places a glass (present)", "Hakou placed his hands on his mother's (past)". Using the past tense is, rule of thumb, preferable in storytelling.

You may also want to divy this up into multiple chapters, as this is rather long. 1-2000 words is preferable when people read electronically.

But this is just my opinion! I really like the characters, and the emotions they express, as well as their interactions. Hammer down the fundamentals, and this will read the way you want it to!

My .02

Sun, September 22nd, 2019 6:36pm

Author
Reply

Now this is what I've been wanting in a review. Thank you. If this wasn't already fully written, I'd do it just as you say; however, your words are notes taken and stored. I can't seem to stop having issues with my tenses, I hear it all the time. I try fixing it, but it happens again and again.

A single narrative is doable. I'll for sure work on that. Thank you for the insight. You have been very helpful. And also, I will slice the chapters in half. What's appreciated length on one site is a bother on another, got it.

Sun, September 22nd, 2019 11:46am

avatar

Archia

I'm impressed with how much you managed to get into this. There were so many different things, and so many different emotions and things to think and you were able to carry it along nicely which made it really good to read. I really enjoyed seeing how the story progressed and it certainly wasn't how I expected which made it really interesting. A good story is one where you can't figure out what's going to happen and this was just like that.
A lot does happen and there's a lot of different characters introduced. It does get a bit confusing trying to follow along with who is who and which one is Hakuo's friends and which one is his parents and everyone else. I think because each new date changes point of views it makes it a little hard to keep track. I also don't think it helps that sometimes the same character goes by a different name (like Tony and Antonio). If you want a full name and a nickname, I think it's clearer to introduce the full name first and then the nickname and then just go by one instead of switching between them. Maybe focussing on one character in one chapter might allow there to be more impact from them. Tony appears the most in this chapter, and the other characters get lost amongst that so maybe the main focus could be Tony, and in the following chapters the other important characters take more of the centre stage.
One small thing; how old is Hakuo? He keeps getting called a teen but if he would've been done with police training then he must be older.
I thought Tony was going to come across as the good guy, he was definitely supported that way at the beginning, and it slightly worried me that his actions were going to be justified. I thought it was very clever and a bit of an emotional twist that it showed the view of Hakuo and his mother and Tony's actions were seen differently. It's a very interesting and potentially hard topic to deal with, and I think you managed to do it quite well.
It was really nice to see that Hakuo woke up, I was starting to wonder if he would be asleep for the whole novel but I think the point that he woke up was very pivotal for the whole story and was a very cleverly done. It was nice to see the interation beteween Hakuo and his mum and it really showed a lot of the different emotions and put a different twist on it.
I know you've written so much of this, maybe all?, and everything that I've said is just my opinion. You've got so many chapters and if they're all the same length as this one then that's a feat in itself just to write that much. That's pretty impressive and something to be admired. I think you've probably got a really great novel on your hands here. I really enjoyed this chapter and I know this could go somewhere amazing.

Tue, March 3rd, 2020 1:48pm

Author
Reply

I understand what you're saying in the critiques, another reviewer told me the same thing that I switch points of view too much (I had no idea) ahaha, but he was right. He also told me to chop up the chapters which with this one I have.

This is the last story in my saga that starts with Silent Worlds. I was hoping they could be read independently, because of information that backtracked along the way as you read. But, it gives an incentive to anyone curious to read the previous stories, if they do read out of order. This is completely finished on other sites, and I'm posting and editing the best I can before I stick it here, although I'm not the best at grammar and what have you, I try.

Hakuo is 22 years old in this one, having missed two years of his life in the coma.

Tue, March 3rd, 2020 8:50am

More Young Adult Books

Other Content by Ruelynn

Book / Other

Book / Young Adult