The Diary Of A Crossdresser

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

Shocking real life account of events which happened two decades ago one late spring evening in May
The story details a somewhat graphic account of a group of friends who decide that crossdressing is an excellent theme night idea for my flat warming party.
I had just moved in to the local area and was keen to meet my new residents.
It all started off quite innocently and the party was meant to be tongue in cheek,but it was quite obvious from the start that some of these guys were closet trannies.
Everyone was having a great time getting rat arsed with booze.
During the party there were frank exchanges between some of the residents who didn't get along too well with one another and the party ended up finishing earlier than expected.
After I awoke from short nap I discovered that I had been the victim of a burglary and the flat had been vandalised.
It was then that I reflected on my mistake in hosting the party in the first place as I went out for walk in the local park.

The Diary Of A Crossdresser

It was not long after I moved in to my new pad in the north part of Sheffield that I was welcomed by my new neighbours,I decided to repay their friendliness by holding a party at my flat by the end of the week.

I had hardly really got to know any of the locals  in the first few days of me moving in,yet they seemed intent on having a good time and everybody doesn't need an excuse to attend a party I thought.

At first I was introduced to Kevin,Paul and Robert,who was known as Cindy to his punters and workmates when cross-dressing at "Napoleons" roulette club,this was his alter ego.

John reminded me of "Saddam Hussein",maybe it was his thick rug of a chest or his bushy eyebrows which complimented his large moustache,which seemed to invite scrutiny.

On my first day at the flat I unpacked my personal belongings and took possession of all the various items which were delivered by the removal man.

Then it was time to meet and greet all of my new neighbours.

Some of them offered me a few of their less cherished and unwanted items, such as an old radio hi-fi system which I didn't need but I was assured it was in good working order.

Then the old boy on the street Eric offered me a bar stool, whilst Paul gave me a TV,he had 6 other models in his flat but didn't possess a license or so he told me.

The party was arranged for Friday evening at my place,the guests were told to just bring a bottle and a friend.

I was a little apprehensive about how many people might show up and if some or all of them might bring illegal substances to my flat,then I might run the risk of a quick eviction or possible prosecution if I was to be found at fault.

Friday morning soon arrived and it was around mid morning when I decided to get out of bed and make myself a nice cup of tea.

It was a chilly overcast morning with a cold nip in the air,I stretched out,yawned and then pulled back the curtains in my poky bedroom.

I began to look beyond the view of the local grassed area with the cherry trees to see if there was anybody about.

The trees which I could see clearly from my room began to sway in the breeze and there were several blackbirds in evidence as they began to chirp away to themselves.

Then I spotted Eric the old timer who had tried to offer me his faulty bar stool,he was throwing a ball to an eager mongrel dog.

I wasn't sure of the breed exactly,safe to say it looked rather scruffy and undernourished.

It wasn't long after that I heard the postman arrive with his mail,I began to walk downstairs wearing my dressing gown and flip flops.

After collecting my mail on the door mat I quickly noticed that Robert was also collecting his mail from his flat opposite.

He waved at me because he had a rather large piece of toast in his mouth,Robert appeared different from the last time I saw him as,we eventually began to chat with each other.


Robert- Are you still up for the big bash tonight love?.

Me- Yes I guess so,are you bringing anyone nice with you?.

Robert- It depends on what you mean,as in the case of a friend maybe?,I think I might bring Shirley,she's pretty harmless but prefers the fairer sex if you know what I mean and she is a bit on the tubby side.

Me-I see well I look forward to meeting her later,what plans have you got for today?.

Robert- I haven't got anything planned for today honey as I was working at "Napoleons" until about 3 am this morning.

So I'm feeling a little zonked out but you're more than welcome to pop across for a coffee now or later on this morning.

Me- That sounds like a great idea,I'll see you in about 10 minutes then.


We both closed our doors simultaneously as I began to smirk at  Robert's appearance.
He not only had red nail varnish painted toes but he was wearing mascara and blusher too.

Then there was his amusing fluffy pink slippers which allowed a space for his protruding toes to peep out of,very fetching I thought to myself.

He also wore a pink night dress which intrigued me,I was anticipating where our conversation might lead once I was tucked up in his flat.

I quickly ran upstairs and made my way to the dingy kitchen where I washed the dirty dishes from the night before.

After I had finished doing that I quickly brushed my hair and got dressed before shutting a couple of windows before making my way over to his flat.

Just then I caught sight of Kevin who was waving at me from his kitchen window,he then picked up a mug and placed it towards his mouth,perhaps suggesting to invite me over for a cuppa.

I immediate returned the gesture by pointing at Robert's flat with two fingers, as I continued my way he suddenly Sprung from his flat and we began to chat.


Kevin- You don't want to be going over to his place love,he's a queer sod,you might never get out alive.

He's a real man eater let me tell you,last night he was dolled up as Cindy again and was wearing all of his favourite cross-dressing gear,he really freaks me out man.

Me-Right so you actually saw him dressed up like a cross-dresser?.

Kevin-Yeah that's what I'm telling you,why don't you come over to my place love?,I've just made a brew.

Robert-What's he been saying about me?,I'll mind you to keep your bloody nose out of my business,stop tarnishing my reputation in front of my new friends,now piss off.

Kevin- Right then duck are you coming across or what?,I'll leave it up to you.

Me-Ok see you later at the party Kev,I'm off to Robert's.

Robert-Yes that's it Kev go and play with yourself over there,you waste of space.

Me-I say don't you two get on,have you got a bit of previous with him?.

Robert-It's a long story honey,come on inside,I bet it's warmer in mine,now what do you fancy tea,coffee,vodka,whisky,cider or maybe all 5 ha ha ha.

Me-Coffee will be fine with two sugars and a little milk please.

Robert-Oh shit !!!!!!! It looks like I'm out of milk,would you be a love and buy me some,I'll give you the money when I get paid on Friday.

Me-Yeah ok can I just use your loo,where is it?.

Robert-It's the first door on your right,mind you don't trip over some of my clothes and shoes in there.

This morning I literally got in and basically threw off my clobber before crashing out on the bed.


I finally reached the bathroom where I was shocked to discover all of Robert's feminine clothes.

There were skirts,bra's,tops,high healed shoes,strapped leather sandals,makeup bags,glitter scarfs,hair bands makeup,fake boobs etc.

The items were endless,safe to say he had more items of clothing than my kid sister,I quickly went to spend a penny and bolted the loo door,as I didn't want any unwelcome intrusion.

His choice of tights were interesting,I liked the flowery patterns and sequenced designs.

However I didn't stop around long enough to take in all of the detai from his wardrobe but made a speedy exit and rushing out of his front door as quickly as I could.

It was only a short walk to the local shops and I wouldn't be gone for more than 10 minutes at the most.

On my way over I noticed that Paul was buying some cigarettes at the local off license,I greeted him before I made my way back to Robert's flat.

The off license seen to sell every type of alcohol and probably did a brisk trade with the locals on a night.

I arrived back at Robert's flat to find that there was no answer after I had knocked on his door,it was a full 10 minutes before Kevin opened up his window and shouted out to me.


Kevin-He's had to go out

Me-Why where did he go?,I've only been gone 10 minutes

Kevin-The busies were round at his place whilst you were away and he's helping them with their enquiries or so I am lead to believe.

Me- You mean he's got himself in a spot of bother?.

Kevin-That's the way it looks from where I was standing,an officer handcuffed him before pushing him in to their awaiting police car.

Me-I see well that is a shock,I wonder what that's all about,I guess we will find out when or if he makes the party tonight.

Kevin- Yeah,why don't you come across to my flat,I'll fill you in with a few more juicy bits of scandal about our Robert,what do you say?.

Me-Sorry Kevin I'd really love to chat with you but I'm not one for idol gossip,I'm sure he will tell us all what it's all about when he's good and ready.


I returned back to my flat placing the purchased milk in to my refrigerator before making myself some cheese on toast,this was my late morning brunch.

I had no other plans for the day apart from buying the party food at my nearby supermarket,until such time I was free to ring round and find out who was coming.

When I sat down on the coach which was given to me by John,I noticed that were some lipstick marks and nail varnish stains on top of the rest arm of the settee.

My mind surely wasn't playing tricks on me,could John be a closet transvestite or cross-dresser too?,I pondered.

I thought nothing more of it until I discovered a pair of silk stockings which I found underneath one of the cushions,then I found make container with blue eyeshadow in it.

I began to laugh out hysterically and was bursting to speak to someone about this unusual discovery.

I called Kevin on my mobile phone and decided to invite him across to my flat,but there was no reply so I tried him on his landline 

Unfortunately  I got no joy with that either so I gave up in the end before planning my day ahead.

It was now just over 2 hours until the first of the guests would be arriving,I needed to crack on with shopping for the party food.

This party would be quite an eye opener for me with getting to know my immediate neighbourhood,it would probably irritate the hell out of my three neighbours who shared the same confines of the property.

So far 10 people had confirmed that they would be attending,this was only a handful of people I was expecting and would give me a rough estimate of how much food and drink that I would need to buy.

The party was about to get underway and there was sure to be some fun,frolics and laughter not to mention a lot of noise.

Maybe a few hidden secrets might be revealed,after all everyone had the odd skeleton in their closet and some more than others.

It was just after 5pm in the evening when I visited my local supermarket,after loading the trolley with bags of goodies and tasty tackle which would suit everyone's taste, I quickly made my way to the checkout.

Once I got home all had to do was to to unpack the food and beverage by arranging my main dining table.

Then I had to decide what music I was going to play and considered what the partygoers might prefer to listen to.

I selected a few party albums and then placed a few streamers to decorate my flat.

Soon my place would be full of party animals,I was beginning to panic about what they might think of my undecorated flat,was I ready to host such an event?,Would my neighbour's complain about the excessive noise?,I thought.

I would have to put these things to the back of my mind for now as I began to psyche myself for the first arrivals,then I suddenly spotted Kevin and Paul,they're early I thought.


Me- Good evening guys,thanks for coming,may I take your coats and what have we here?,mmm I love vodka,you shouldn't have gone to all that expense Kevin

I was only expecting my guests to bring a bottle of wine,but thanks for the vodka.

Kevin- No problem,it should get the party livened up and hopefully I might pull more than a toilet handle this time around.

Are there any fit birds coming to the part?,maybe you should have advertised a talent night with strippers ha ha,well I can dream can't I?.

Paul- I don't know about you Kev but I could eat a scabby horse,I'm starving.

Me- Oh there's some bar snacks and sandwiches on the lounge table if you want to make your way through there.What kind of music do you two guys like to listen to?.

Paul- Oh I like dance,rave,garage,acid,house,sorry I'm a bit old school when it comes to my choice of music,let's take a look at what you've got in your collection.

Me- Oh look here comes Robert,this should be interesting,I wonder why he was arrested earlier.Hello Rob how are you?.

Robert- I'm just fine, thanks for asking,look I've brought you a bottle of Pernod and here's some cider to compliment it,now all you need is some blackcurrant juice.

Me- Oh I see,I don't think I've heard of that drink,what's it called?.

Robert- "Red witch" love,it's really got a kick like a mule,would you fix me one,oh I didn't know Kevin was coming to your little shindig.

Well I will just have to act in a civil manner towards him but if he starts on me he's had it.

Me- Ok Rob keep your cool and help yourself to the sandwiches and bar snacks,right folks things should start to liven up now as Ian and John have just arrived.

Ian- Hello love,blimey it's like brass monkeys out there ha ha,I thought you might like to try a bottle of this "Lambrusco",it's dead cheap and it always goes down well with the ladies.

Me- That's very thoughtful of you Ian but I don't see any in here so far this evening,but I guess we can live in hope.

Ian- Ok love,oh sorry John I'm in your way, can I park my bum somewhere?.

Me- Yes look there are two settees and my throne which I use as my easy chair,I just call it a throne.

John- Hi duck,I've just nipped in to Morrison's and bought a few things which were going cheap,I hope you can make some use of them,sorry I forgot to bring any booze.

Me- Great !!!!,so what have we got here then?,sausage rolls,cakes,pies,pasties,that's really good thanks for that.

Ian- I don't know John loves a bargain doesn't he?,how many times do you visit that store in a week mate?.

John- I go there every evening,that's 7 days a week,otherwise I couldn't afford to eat.

Me- Right folks I just thought I would introduce myself as mine host,you are more than welcome to eat anything on the dining table

Please help yourself, but the drinks I will provide on request and I have backup supplies in the fridge if we run out f supplies.

Robert- Oh ducky, have you made that drink that I asked for earlier?I'm gagging for it,oh I think there's somebody at the door.

Me- Coming up Rob and yes you're right I'll be with you in two ticks.Hello I don't think we've been introduced to each other.

Lydia- Hi my name is Lydia and this is Julie my best friend,we're both friends of Robert's,is he here?.

Yes,please come through,let me take your coats,help yourself to the bar snacks,what would you like to drink ladies?.

Julie- Oh can I have a "Red Witch",it's my favourite,me and Robert are like two peas in pod thou knows.

Me- What would you like Lydia?.

Lydia- The same for me please,come on I'll give you a hand with the drinks.I bet you are curious to know how we know Robert aren't you?.

Well we both work at "Napoleons Casino" which is just off "Penistone Road",but he has an alter ego and he's a she when he's working there.

He cross-dresses and is known as Cindy and looks very fetching,even the blokes aren't shy at chatting him up when he's all dolled up like a cock in a frock.

Me- Oh how amusing,a cock in a frock ha ha.

Lydia- Aye you could say that but he's a very nice bloke,by the way he's got his eye on you,he was only telling me yesterday,so don't bend down and pick up any coins or notes,I'm just messing.

Me- Right,you had me going then Lydia,I've seen his bathroom and wardrobe,I nearly died of shock,my jaw must have been wide open.

He's got stacks of female clothes and high healed shoes,beauty kits,scarfs and even some toe rings and earrings,the list goes on.

Lydia- Right here we are,three "Red Witches",cheers me dears,let's just see how t'old Rob is doing.

My you don't waste any time do you love,I see you've taken a fancy to this handsome young man to your right.

Robert- Is this it?,aren't there any other people coming to this party?,there's not much talent on show tonight,well I guess I will have to make the best with what is on offer.


The party was now in full swing and to my immense relief the number of attendees were manageable,so far so good there hadn't been anyone throwing up and there were no breakages to report.

It was just coming up to midnight when I decided to do a spot of deejaying,I was taking requests on anyone's particular choice of song.

Kev was really starting to lose it,especially with his dancing,he was wobbling all over the place,then suddenly he landed awkwardly on Robert's lap which didn't amuse our Rob one bit.

Luckily words were not exchanged but if looks could kill then Kevin would have been toast,
the female guests seemed lively too.

It was only after I saw two of them kissing each other that I realised that they were indeed lesbians.

It was when I played Kate Perry's song "I kissed A Girl" that both girls engaged in a full on snog before singing along with the lyrics to the song,"oh boy"their version of the song was bad.

A few moments later I went into my bedroom  to discover that Paul was using my laptop without my permission.

He was also making a call on my landline phone,this inflamed me and I decided to confront him about him taking liberties with me.


Me- What do you think you are doing using my phone and laptop without my permission Paul?,I'll thank you to leave my bedroom immediately.

If it's not too much trouble I'll kindly ask you to leave my flat now,I don't take kindly to this kindly breach of trust.

Paul- I'm ever so sorry love,I just got bored and my mobile is out of credit,surely you don't mind me using your phone this once?.

Me- I'm sorry to tell you but I do,now go and grab your coat and get out !!!!!

Paul- Fair does,I just need to say goodbye to Kev,John and the gang,right I'm off home lads bye.

Ian- Why are you leaving so early mate?.

Me- I've thrown him out as he has breached my trust,I'm not taking that from any sod,do you want to join him Ian?.

Ian- No love,see you later Paul.

Paul- See you later Ian,can I have my drink back back,otherwise I'm going to be in for a dry night.

Robert- Oh well at least that means more drink and fodder for the remaining guests,now where were we John?.

Ah yes you were telling me how much you like "Gary Glitter"well I don't care much for his music but I do like it up the Gary Glitter if you know what I mean?. 

Kev- Yes that's all too obvious "Mr Fancy Pants"

Robert- What did you just call me "Shiny Top"?.

Kev- Are you deaf as well as dumb Rob?.

Robert- I want to Know what my nickname is and you're going to tell me.

Kev- Get off me you maniac,now which window do you want me to put you through,come on pick one Rob.

Robert- What are you on about you idiot?,you couldn't knock the skin off a rice pudding.

Me- Ok lads pipe down,I don't want any trouble or breakages for that matter,anyway I think it's high time we called it a night don't you?.

Robert- Oh come on ducky,the party has only just started,you can't throw us out now surely?.

Me- Alright maybe we'll wrap things up in an hour's time but I need to get some rest,I'm starting to feel tiredness come over me.


I decided to retire to the bedroom and laid on my bed,in no time at all I had fallen asleep and was now oblivious to everything that was happening around me.

I must have crashed out for about three hours before I awoke when I noticed that there was complete silence in my flat much to my surprise.

When I began to view my room I discovered to my shock that my laptop was missing along with my mobile phone.

I Inspected the lounge and found a few more things that had gone missing including my television,digital radio and hi-fi system.

Then I couldn't find my purse which contained over £85,oh no I thought,this just gets better and better,what should I do now?,I thought.

It had just gone 4 am and I decided to knock on Robert's door to ask if he knew anything about the robbery at my flat.

I was just about to make my way downstairs when I noticed that my front door had been left open,worse was to follow,both of my porch Windows were smashed and there was graffiti scrawled on the outside walls.

When I finally arrived at his flat there was no answer,maybe I would return later on that morning,I thought to myself.

I decided to go for a walk in the local park and by now was feeling worse for wear,the booze and the shocking discovery had left me feeling rather worse for wear but a little bit frisky too.

I quickly reached for a pair of my favourite cream laced tights before tying up my leather strapped sandals around my freshly varnished pink tootsies.

Then I tied up my long blonde hair in to a bow, before putting on one of my favourite bras on which complimented my top,now I was ready for my sexy walk and to forget about all of my flat issues.

I only briefly stopped to put a bit of mascara and lipstick on, I wanted to look my best,now I looked the part after placing a scarf around my shivering neck.

The wind had really picked up as I began to sit on the park bench in "Longley Park",I was now in deep contemplation and full of regret in hosting the party.

Then I decided to remove all of my clothes until I was in the pink and decided to go for a swim in the local pond,my hairy canary was feeling moist and fruity at this erotic moment.

It wasn't one of best ideas given the time of year,I got out and sat motionless,cold and depressed on a park swing until I decided to return to my flat.

I was frozen,dejected and disappointed with the nights events but I did enjoy the thrill of acting out my favourite nighttime fantasy,especially as I wasn't spotted by anyone that I could see,but that was half of the thrill of these moonlit amorous walks in the park.

The following morning I found myself in deep contemplation,if it wasn't bad enough that I had been exposed to unwanted intruders on the night of the party,now I was penniless and cold.
I was beginning to regret ever hosting the party in the first place.
slowly I began to come round but I was still feeling like a bear with a sore head as I pulled back the curtains to allow the bright early morning sunshine to fill my bedroom and warm my naked chest.
After placing my silk nighty around my bare shoulders and putting on a pair of my favourite sandals on, I decided to put the kettle on only to discover that there wasn't one to put on.
The flipping twats had even nicked the one of most essential items in my kitchen, I thought to myself.
I decided to venture downstairs where I viewed the graffiti along with the broken window and shower of glass which was strewn across the mat In front of my inner door.
Then I noticed that the postman had been as I placed the few letters in my left hand, before inspecting to see if there was any further damage from the night before,luckily there was no evidence of any on my first inspection.
Just then I spotted Kevin who was waving at me through his kitchen window.

At first I thought of avoiding him but then realised that he might have some information which might clarify what happened in the wee small hours at my flat,during the time when I rested and the party was winding down.
He points towards a mug and I place my thumb in front of my face to acknowledge that I would like a cup of tea.
Just as I was about to leave my flat I was quickly stopped in my tracks by a call from my next door neighbour.
She really looks like she's on the warpath with a decidedly angry expression etched across her wrinkly face,I try in vain to avoid contact with her but alas she pulls me to one side and let's rip.


Neighbour- I don't know what the hell you and your friends were playing at last night but you were making a bloody racket.
I was going to call the police,what was the idea of traipsing down the stairs every minute?,you lot sounded like a pack of elephants on a charge.
Me- I'm very sorry Mrs Dyson,it won't happen again,it was a grave error on my part to host such an event and I should have consulted you.
Worst still I have been the victim too with the thefts and breakages in my flat,just look at the broken window and graffiti.
Neighbour- Aye that might be so love,but I'm nearly 90 years of age and at my time of life I don't need all of this hassle.
I'll be speaking to Robert later,he's not blameless in this sorry caper,alright I've said my peace good day to you duck.
Me- Good day to you too and like I said I am really sorry Madame.
Kevin- What did the old battle-axe want?,nosy old crow she should keep her beak out of your affairs.
Me- It's ok Kevin I was out of order allowing the party to take place without consulting her.
Now I'm in a right sorry mess with no money,I need to phone the council with regard to the damaged flat but have no means of calling them.You couldn't do us a favour and contact them to make an appointment for a home visit Kev,I'd really appreciate that.
Kevin- Who do you think I am your bloody secretary?,ok just this once I'll give them a call.What do you want to drink tea or coffee and would you like milk and sugar with it?.
Me- Yes ta duck,that would be nice,since I can't make myself a cuppa right now,can you believe some lowlife has pinched my kettle?,if it wasn't bad enough that I have had my purse stolen with all of my money in it.
Kevin- Wow!! that's bad when did this happen?,I left the party just after Paul went,then Robert departed only to host a little shindig of his own.
We don't know what went off after that,maybe you should get in touch with the busies,although I hope they don't come knocking on my door as I haven't got a tv license.
Me- Well I wouldn't worry too much about that Kevin,they don't inspect your property and ask those kind of questions.
Oh look there's Robert,he's just getting his post,doesn't he look a card with his pink nightie on ha ha.
Kevin- Aye,a cock in a frock,what post did you get this morning anything interesting?.
Me- Oh let's take a look,ah some good news it's from the post office,they've offered me the job as a postman which is part-time starting next Monday.
Well thanks for small blessings,what's this other letter?,oh it's from my interview at the hospital which I had last week.
Well I can't quite believe it,suddenly I have the choice of two jobs,they want me to start tomorrow night on a part- time basis as a domestic cleaner.
Kevin- That's fantastic news,are there many jobs going there?,I could do with some extra brass,I really hate working at the petrol station as the job doesn't pay well and it's only 12 hours per week.
Me-Why don't you apply for a job online at NHS,you never know you might get an interview,do you want the email address?,they send jobs to your inbox it's a very efficient service.
Kevin- Yeah good idea,right I'll just give the old bill a ring and then contact the local council and let them know of your current issues,hopefully they might both visit you today.
Right I need to get organised,I'm visiting my ma in an hour,she's just had a stroke,I told to knock it on the head with her smoking but she never listens to a word I say.
She smokes over 60 cigarettes a day,that's not a very wise thing to do when you have just had a heart bypass operation and suffer from angina.
Me- Ok Kevin thanks for the drink and please keep your ear to the ground incase you hear anything about the robbery at my flat last night,ok I'll let myself out see you.


I left Kevin to it and decided to do a spot of washing if only to keep myself occupied,the flat was absolutely freezing with the exposed window at the bottom of the stairs.
The heating wasn't simply generating enough warmth to keep the cold at bay,it was a complete waste of time so I decided to turn it off until the repairs had been done.

I quickly placed all of my smelly stained bra's,nickers and tights in to the washing machine before setting the programme to wash.
I decided to boil up some water on my gas stove,the idea was to fill a flask up in order to have several cups of tea and coffee on tap,this was rather a novel idea I thought but a good initiative in these trying times.
It was now just after midday and still there was no word from the police or the council.
I had almost given up hope when I suddenly saw a police car park up just outside Robert's flat,I immediately ran downstairs and decided I needed to speak with them. 


Me- Excuse me officer are you here about the robbery which took place at my flat last night?.
Officer- No duck our business is with your neighbour,we want to know why this little sod hasn't  attended the police station for his bail.
If you can hang on for just one moment I'll come back to you and we can discuss your robbery experience.
Me- Ok that's great,I'm just going back in to my flat,you know where I live don't you?.
Officer- Yes duck,now come on you little runt answer your bloody doorbell.
Robert- What appears to be the problem officer?.
Officer- Oh I'm looking for Mr Charlton, do you live here too?.
Robert- Yes silly that's me,ok just let me change out of these feminine clothes and put my protruding pecker away,I'll be with you in two ticks.
Officer- Oh I was expecting a man,why are you dressed up like a woman?,are you queer or something?.
Robert- No of course not,I'm a cross-dresser and I work at "Napoleons Casino",it's just part of my alter ego,I work down there as a croupier,oh I do like a man in uniform I say how fruity.
Officer- Right you are Sir/Madame,ok the reason I'm here is that you need to attend the police station as part of the bail agreement,do I make myself clear?.
This won't look good when you attend your court hearing next month,you might get sent down you know.
Robert- What you're kidding?,just because I impersonated a woman,is that a criminal offence?.
Officer- It is when you aren't wearing anything beneath your waste and are prancing around the streets of Sheffield in a lewd manner.
Robert- Right you are officer,I'll pop down to the station this afternoon at a time convenient to yourself is 2pm ok with you?. 
Officer- You better attend or else,now if you'll excuse me I have got other business to attend to,good day to you.
Me- Now then officer I want to make a statement with regard to a robbery which took place at my flat during the early hours of this morning after I had hosted a party here.
Then there is the graffiti and vandalism which occurred at the same time.
Officer- Crikey it really looks like somebody's done a job on your place,right I'll need the names of all the people who attended your flat and the times they all left,can you do that for me?.
Ok duck I'm just going to have a look round your flat if you don't mind, to see if I can find any incriminating evidence of who might be the perpetrators of this crime,now what exactly was stolen?.
Me-Oh here's my list of things which are missing,I also had my purse stolen and it contained about £80 in it.
Officer- Ok love,what I'll do is make my report and ask a crime support officer to get in touch with you once we've started our investigation if that's ok with you.
It's possible that one of my senior offices might come down tomorrow morning but we do need the contact details of all those people who attended your party.
Well that should keep you busy this afternoon,give me a call when you have that list of names and addresses if at at possible,here's my number,hopefully we can get the investigation started as soon as possible and catch these buggers,ok I won't keep you bye.


The officer slowly got in to his awaiting car and drove off whilst I was left to reflect on my new task.
How on earth was I going to be able to find the address's of all those people maybe I could ask Kevin as he knew practically everyone that had attended apart from the lesbian lovers.
Anyway that could keep for now,I was feeling warn out with all of this business and decided that it was time I got some rest in my bed,as I laid my weary head on to my duck feathered pillows and caught up on some much needed sleep. 



















Submitted: September 15, 2019

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