The Valley of the Tools Episode 30

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

Rob and McKenzie produce the first ad for his congressional campaign. Here he meets an Australian actress who just moved to LA and takes a liking to her. Whitney is forced to deal with accusations against Bonnie of verbal abuse on the set of Susan B. Trippin’. The first sneak peek of Miles’ movie fails to become a viral sensation, forcing Miles to consider changes to the film.







“Ah, now let me tell you about my family. You know they've been right there beside me. Through all this time that I've been low- they've been punching Joe. Keep punching Joe. Kick him right in the face. Keep punching Joe. Kick him when he’s down”

  • Daniel Johnston


(We start with a tight shot of Rob fiddling with an unlit cigarette as a man’s voice drones on inaudibly in the background. Eventually, the man’s voice becomes intelligible)


AA DIRECTOR: What about you, Rob?


(We punch out to reveal Rob sitting in an AA meeting, in the middle of High School gymnasium. He’s surrounded by a dozen or so miserable-looking people of all ages, and the AA coordinator Gerald Bluford- a man of about 40, with a shaved head and full beard, staring at him)


GERALD: You’ve not been coming here long, but what’s your progress been?


ROB: …Well, I…I haven’t been drinking.


GERALD: That’s good.


ROB: But I’ve been smoking a lot of weed, and…cigarettes, still, so. I don’t know. It feels like I’m just replacing one vice with another.


GERALD: Did you smoke weed and cigarettes before?


ROB: I mean, yeah-


GERALD: So, just think of it as one less vice. (Rob nods) Every step along the way is an improvement.


ROB: …I feel the urge to drink every minute of every day…


GERALD: I know.


ROB: I can’t even smoke in my office or else Whitney will bitch, so I’m always going outside, and then I get way behind on my work. I feel less functional than when I did drink.


(The group mumble in agreement)


OLDER MAN: You should get back on the horse.


ROB: Right? At least I’d be going somewhere.


GERALD: Hold on, guys, we don’t tell each other to relapse in this group, okay?


ROB: I thought there was open communication here?


GERALD: There is, but, come on.


YOUNGER MAN: You know what’s a lot like alcohol? Barbiturates.


ROB: Really? Where do you get those?


GERALD: Guys, stop! Okay? I’m serious. (Gerald turns to Rob) Robert, there’s a reason you’re here.


(Rob sighs)


ROB: It’s a decision I made for myself. I can reverse it at any time. No one told me to do this. Well. Hundreds of people have, but I made the decision. And if I want to stick by it, that will be my decision too. (Gerald sits back and reflects on this. Rob puts the cigarette in his mouth) I’m gonna take a ten. No! Twenty.


(Rob walks outside. Cut to Rob sitting in Whitney’s office watching the third Democratic Debate on ABC. Whitney is at her desk working. Andrew Yang is speaking)


ANDREW YANG: My campaign will now give a “freedom dividend” of 1,000 dollars a month for an entire year to ten American families, someone watching this at home right now. If you believe you can solve your own problems better than any politician, go to and tell us how 1,000 dollars a month will help you do just that.


ROB: Wow! I should do that shit.


WHITNEY: Rob, you’re already a millionaire. And you don’t have a family of your own.


ROB: …Ouch.


WHITNEY: Sorry about that. Not sorry about the millionaire thing though, you don’t need 12,000 more dollars a year.


ROB: Well, that’s your opinion.


(Cut to Bonnie in her dressing room drinking a Diet Coke and watching the debate- where Senator Sanders and Vice President Biden are going after each other)


SENATOR SANDERS: Let us be clear, Joe, in the United States of America, we are spending twice as much per capita on healthcare as the Canadians are any other major on Earth!




SENATOR SANDERS: Yeah, well, Americans don’t wanna pay twice as much as other countries!


BONNIE: Jesus Christ, if they really nominate Biden, we deserve to lose. “This is America, we’re sick and we’re poor and we’re proud”.


(Danielle pokes her head in)


DANIELLE: Five minutes, Bonnie.


BONNIE: Christ! Okay, just let me finish my fuckin’ Diet Coke.


(Danielle smirks uncomfortably and leaves. Cut to Miles sitting in his living room, on his shitty futon, with a male prostitute dozing off next to him, watching Vice President Biden and Secretary Castro facing off in the debate on his clunky, early-2000s flat-screen television)


VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN: They DO NOT have to buy in. They DO NOT have to buy in.


SECRETARY CASTRO: You just said that-




SECRETARY CASTRO: You just said that two minutes ago! (Crosstalk) You just two minutes ago that they would have to buy in-


VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN: -If they can’t afford it!


SECRETARY CASTRO: You said they would have to buy in!


VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN: If they qualify for Medicaid-


SECRETARY CASTRO: Are you forgetting what you said two minutes ago?! (Loud groans and sparse applause from the audience) Are you forgetting already what you said two minutes ago!?


MILES: Finally! Someone’s talking about how Biden has dementia. (Miles nudges the male hooker) You believe this, Kevlin? Someone finally had the balls and it was Castro.


KEVLIN: Ughhh…


MILES: You shouldn’t have snorted that much Ambien, Kevlin.


KEVLIN: Leave me alone…


(Cut to Rob and Whitney watching the debate. This time, Whitney is on the couch and paying close attention, as Beto O’Rourke speaks)


CONGRESSMAN O’ROURKE: And in Odessa, I met the mother of a 15-year old girl, who was shot by an AR-15, and that mother watched her BLEED TO DEATH over the course of an hour, because SO MANY OTHER PEOPLE were SHOT by that AR-15 in Odessa and Midland, there weren’t enough ambulances to get to them in time, hell yes, we’re gonna take your AR-15, your AK-47- (uproarious applause) we’re not gonna allow it to be used against our fellow Americans anymore!


WHITNEY: Goddamn, what a strong moment.


ROB: Do you think there’s a chance that Robert Francis surges in the polls after this? Like, does he have a shot?


WHITNEY: No, but he definitely just earned himself the position as the head jack-booted thug taking away real Americans’ guns in the Biden, Sanders or Warren administration.



WHITNEY; Dude, she’s not even leading her in California. Not even close.




(Cut to a little later. Senator Harris is speaking)


SENATOR HARRIS: But the bottom line is this; Donald Trump, in office, on trade policy, you know, he reminds me of that guy in the Wizard of Oz, you know, when you pull back the curtain, it’s a really small dude.


(Nervous laughter and applause)




(Harris starts laughing)


ROB: …I don’t think my girl can come back…


WHITNEY: Is she high?


(Cut to Luther and Evelyn in their living room, watching Vice President Biden speak in the debate)


VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN: We bring social workers into homes of parents to help them deal with HOW to raise their children, it’s not that they don’t want to help, they don’t want- they don’t know quite what to do! Play the radio, make sure the television, the-the-excuse me, make sure you have the record player on at night, the-the-the-phone, make sure kids hear words-


EVELYN: What in the name of fuck is he talking about? Wasn’t the question pertaining to the legacy of slavery?


LUTHER: Man, if only my parents had let the record player run at night. If I only had heard words, I’d be a famous actor right now, you right, Joe Biden!


(Cut to Whitney turning off the TV)


WHITNEY: How the fuck is Biden still leading?


ROB: People aren’t paying attention yet. And Bernie and Warren have strength in early states, so there’s some hope we won’t have an late-term Ronald Reagan running against Trump. With largely the same policies, too.


WHITNEY: I hope to God you’re right.


(McKenzie walks in)


MCKENZIE: Robert Altmire.


ROB: What’s up, Kenz?


MCKENZIE: I just got off the phone with that pollster you hired.


(Rob stands up)


ROB: Are we beating Katie?!


MCKENZIE: What? No, of course not. But look! (McKenzie flashes a poll showing Hill leading Altmire 60-10% among Democratic voters in CA-25, with 30% undecided) You’re at ten percent!


ROB: …And that’s good?


MCKENZIE: Rob, you’re running against a popular first-term incumbent as a disgraced reality star. That’s amazing you’re getting 10%, plus, there’s a good 30% that are undecided! If you got all of them, it’d be a 60-40 race!

ROB: Hot damn! Let’s pop some- (McKenzie and Whitney glare at Rob) …pussy…


WHITNEY: Jesus, Rob, that’s not better.


ROB: Fine, if I can’t drink, how are we gonna celebrate?


MCKENZIE: We should make an ad. We should capitalize on this moment.


ROB: That’s a brilliant idea! (To Whitney) Can we produce it through Stone Productions?


WHITNEY: Rob…I said you could only work on this here after hours, if I agree to that, then we become the media wing of your campaign.


ROB: What’s so wrong with that?! It’s not illegal!


MCKENZIE: We’ll still produce it outside of work hours, we just need your money.


WHITNEY: No way! Use your donations!


ROB: We’re, uh…light on those.


WHITNEY: …Fine, you’re a millionaire, use your own money.


(Rob looks at McKenzie, who shrugs)


ROB: Fine. But can we at least use your resources to cast this thing?


(Whitney shrugs, goes over to her drawer, pulls out a flash drive, and hands it to Rob)


WHITNEY: Here’s a master list of the agencies we pull from. Copy it and give it back to me.


ROB: …Thank you, Whitney. You are my north star.


WHITNEY: Okay. Get out before I regret this.


(Rob and McKenzie run out of her office, giddily. Cut to Rob and McKenzie in Rob’s office. Rob is walking around as McKenzie furiously writes his ideas down)


ROB: We need to show our broad coalition of Americans- blacks, whites, gays, straights, mens, womens- (McKenzie squints at Rob) military members, civilians, Jews, Muslims, Christians and atheists- all of them looking at Katie Hill with disappointment. Then suddenly, they flip the channel to that episode of Beauty and the BEASTliest where I butt-chug Everclear-


MCKENZIE: Why that clip?


ROB: Because they want a Congressman that’s cool? Willing to take risks?


MCKENZIE: What about, a more positive moment from your reality TV career? One of those moments where you’re comforting one of the women, on a bench in some sort of weird garden, where melancholy piano arpeggios come in?


ROB: …I got nothing, on that…


MCKENZIE: …We’ll put a pin that, then.


ROB: How soon can we cast this thing?


MCKENZIE: I’ll put out a casting call tonight. We should be set by early next week.


ROB: Oh, man, this is best part of the job. Making snap judgments about people.


MCKENZIE: The best part-


ROB: The BEST part.


(Cut to Bonnie dressed in a 19th century gown, sitting in a buggy with two stopped horses in front of it, on a cobble-stone street, clearly a set on some Hollywood backlot. Cameras, sound guys, Danielle and other crew surround her as she takes a swig of water)


BONNIE: The fuck are you looking at?! We got the shot, right?


(Danielle walks over)


DANIELLE: Great job, Bonnie, the stunt double will take it from here.


(A woman in a blonde wig and Victorian dress, about four inches shorter than Bonnie, walks over)




BONNIE: Who the fuck are you!?


DANIELLE: Whoa, Bonnie, this is Laura.


LAURA: Pleasure.


(Laura extends her hand)


BONNIE: This bitch goes up to my waist!

LAURA: No, I clearly do not-


DANIELLE: Bonnie, she just needs to look like you for half-a-second in one shot where you jump off the buggy and roll.


BONNIE: Still, even for half a second, people know I’m not a fuckin’ dwarf in an A-cup!


LAURA: Hey! I am 5’6 and a B-cup thank you very much!


DANIELLE: Bonnie, listen to me. This is our stunt double. I don’t particularly care if you like it or not. And I’ve had it with your shitty attitude. If you don’t like it, take it up with someone else. Now get out of our way.


(Bonnie shakes her head and walks away, as Laura cups her breasts and pushes them together)


LAURA: Is there a padded bra I could borrow, or, maybe just some paper?


DANIELLE: No, get on the goddamn buggy and let’s get this.


(Danielle walks offstage as Laura climbs into the buggy. Cut to Bonnie walking into the creative lounge, where McKenzie and Luther are typing away on computers. She sets her laptop bag down on the table)


MCKENZIE: Not a shooting day, huh?


(Bonnie sits down)


BONNIE: No, it is, I’m just here as a prank.


(Bonnie opens her laptop)


LUTHER: Whitney wants to see you, by the way.


(Bonnie sighs and closes her laptop)


BONNIE: This should be fun. (Bonnie puts her laptop on the desk and leaves the room. Cut to Bonnie sitting in front of Whitney’s desk. She looks serious and authoritative) …What’d they say exactly?


WHITNEY: That you are “verbally abusive” to cast and crew. (Whitney picks up a stack of complaints and slides them across the table) Take a look for yourself.


(Bonnie thumbs through the complaints)


BONNIE: Oh, come on! My tone was annoyed at most! (Bonnie flashes the sheet at Whitney) “Severe”? Give me a fucking break!

WHITNEY: You’re being severe right now.


BONNIE: Ugh! (Bonnie throws the complaints on the desk) Well, I’m sorry, sometimes I get a bit irritable, but there are constant screw-ups! I’m not being a diva, I’ve seen porn sets run better than this. Plus…I’m still salty about that fucking asshole Ricky Van Veen-


WHITNEY: Uh, Bonnie-


BONNIE: That mop-haired creep really gets under my skin-


WHITNEY: Bonnie, please-


(Ricky Van Veen emerges from his seat in a shadowy corner of the room)


RICKY: Whitney, it’s alright.


(Bonnie jumps and turns around, startled)


BONNIE: JESUS CHRIST! What, were you not even breathing?!


RICKY: I was getting around to making my presence known.


(Bonnie turns to Whitney)


BONNIE: Why would you let him ambush me like that?!


WHITNEY: I was gonna, I didn’t think you’d say that-


(Bonnie turns to Ricky)


BONNIE: What do you want, Donnie Darko? Yeah, I’ll mock you to your face, I don’t give a shit.


RICKY: Insult me all you want, Bonnie, I know you don’t like me. But to be honest, you don’t seem to like anyone. Not even that toddler you’re dating.




WHITNEY: Ricky, please.


RICKY: My bad! (Beat) It’s very simple. If you want to have a snowbell’s chance in Steve Bannon’s asshole of ever being in the second season, you’ll apologize to the cast and crew, publicly, in front of all of them. Deal?


(Ricky extends his hand. Bonnie looks at it with disgust)


BONNIE: It’s a deal, but I’m not shaking your greasy hands, Van Veen.


RICKY: They’re not greasy, and it’s just one hand.


(Whitney stands up)


WHITNEY: Ricky, are you gonna insist on a handshake?


(Ricky retracts his hand)


RICKY: I guess not. Just think about this, Bonnie. Do you want to be known as the Amy Klobuchar of Hollywood?


BONNIE: …Who the fuck is that?


RICKY: Cool, I guess I’ll be leaving then.


(Ricky leaves. Bonnie turns to Whitney)


BONNIE: I can’t believe you let him do that.


WHITNEY: I was waiting for him to introduce himself! He preferred to hide in the corner like a creep, I guess. (Bonnie angrily storms out) I swear, I don’t remember the last time someone left this room without storming out.


(Cut to a strobe-style flashing screen, alternating between green and red, over footage of aliens whipping half-naked, ripped men on a set made to look like a post-apocalyptic wasteland. Insane industrial music plays as the words “THIS FALL” flash across the screen, followed by a clip of a muscular white man’s back being scarred with a laser whip by a man dressed as a grey alien, and then the words “ALIEN AIDS”, followed by a clip of an alien having sex with a man, their genitalia obscured by the angle, and then the words “& HUMAN SLAVES” flashing across a clip of dozens of muscular human slaves painstakingly pulling a statue of a phallus through the desert, ancient Egyptian style, while being whipped by grey aliens wearing headdresses. Then the industrial music quiets down a bit and we cut to a scene of an alien kicking a hunky human slave in the face in a dungeon of some sort)


ALIEN: Melging aucha fwacka!


(SUBTITLES: “Only the power of your nipples can restart our space ship! Get to it, slave!”)


(The man starts crying as he rubs his nipples in front of him. The alien hooks up wires to the nipples and whips him)






(The video ends with the strobing screen again, flashing “FROM DIRECTOR MILES GROTHMAN” and then “A STONE PRODUCTIONS FEATURE” followed by “JANUARY 2020”, then cut to black. We zoom out to see this playing on Miles’ laptop in a conference room meeting with Rob, Whitney, McKenzie, Luther, Evelyn, Chelsea and Miles. He slaps the laptop shut and sits back)


MILES: 989 views in six days! THAT’S IT! (Miles scoffs) I’ve seen Lemon Party videos get more views than that!

ROB: I mean, yeah.


WHITNEY: That’s the internet, it’s to be expected.


MILES: THAT’S NOT THE POINT! This movie is my comeback, and what hype has it generated?! NONE! NOT AN OUNCE OF HYPE!


MCKENZIE: But, the feedback we HAVE gotten, has been negative.


(Miles shakes his head)


MILES: Why did you say it like that?


MCKENZIE: My bad, I should’ve said “and”, not “but”.


LUTHER: Could it have anything to do with the fact that this shit is freaky as fuck?


MILES: No, that’s what draws in the homos! That’s who we want!


ROB: Couldn’t they just watch porn?


MILES: No- you don’t get it, okay? This is a cult film, it’s supposed to be sexy and insane, but not porn. Porn you turn off after you wipe the cum off your screen-


CHELSEA: Good Lord.


EVELYN: Chelsea, let him finish.


ROB: If I had a nickel-


CHELSEA: Shut up.


MILES: We want them to stay with us for a 90-minute film! And if you include the fifteen minutes worth of establishing shots, we should be at ninety minutes!


WHITNEY: To be honest, with a response so tepid, we should begin to ask the question whether we should scrap the film altogether.


MILES: WHAT?! We’ve already filmed 40% of it!


WHITNEY: Yeah, but we want to make a profit, and I don’t know if we can afford to sink more money into this, Miles.


ROB: I mean, what if we did a rewrite and delayed the film?


WHITNEY: Evelyn?


(Evelyn flips through a stack of papers)


EVELYN: We’ve already spent $70,000 dollars on this particular project, and I imagine rewriting and re-shooting 40% of the film will essentially double that cost to a grand total of 140,000 dollars, plus the cost of travel to Europe, that would make it-


MILES: No! You know what? We’re not re-shooting shit! This is a sunken cost, we might as well try to make money off of it.


LUTHER: Yeah, but, man, this is straight-to-DVD, and I doubt Walmart or Target would let you put this shit on their shelves.


MCKENZIE: Yeah, so you’ve lost the confused grandma at check-out demographic, right off the bat.


WHITNEY: We’d essentially be selling this at roadside smut shops, even though it’s-




WHITNEY: Exactly. I think we’re better off scrapping it, Miles, I’m sorry.


(Miles rubs his temples and looks up at them)


MILES: Whitney, give me the weekend. I’ll find a solution. If I don’t have it by Monday, we can talk about scrapping it, okay? Deal?


(Whitney shrugs and shakes Miles’ hand)


WHITNEY: I can do that.


MILES: Thank you so much!


(Miles kisses Whitney’s hand, but she jerks it back)


WHITNEY: Wow, don’t do that!

MILES: I am so, sorry!

WHITNEY: Jesus, your mustache felt so weird on my hand-


MILES: I’m sorry, I was trying to be gracious-


WHITNEY: Just get the hell out of here.


(Miles nods and runs out. Cut to Miles walking into a bar in Chinatown called “China Dave’s”. He walks into the bar, which is decorated with relics of the orient and sound-tracked by Eastern music. Miles walks up to the bar, where he finds an older Asian man washing a glass)


DAVE: (Chinese accent) Can I help you, sir?


MILES: I’ll have your strongest drink, Dave.


(Dave mixes some tequila and soda and gives it to Miles)


DAVE: Rough day?


MILES: You better believe it. (Scoff) …Is your name really Dave? Like, not to be racist-


DAVE: No, I just wanted to seem more American. My name is Hu. Pleasure.


(Miles shakes Hu’s hand)


MILES: Pleasure…your place is called “China Dave’s”, so it doesn’t really…well, anyway, I’m screwed, my movie trailer flopped, they’re gonna scrap the goddamn thing.


(Miles takes a pull of his drink)


HU: Oh, you do movie?


MILES: Apparently fuckin’ not.


HU: They shoot movie outside, right now! You see it?


MILES: You mean down the street? I saw something, I didn’t really pay attention to what it was.


HU: It American company, they shoot movie with Chinese actor and go by Chinese government censor! Make big money!


MILES: …Really…


HU: Yes! Go see it after you finish drink.


(Miles swallows the drink in one pull and stumbles out the front door as fast as he can. Cut to a mixed, Asian and white film crew filming an Asian man leaning out from a window on the top floor of a ChinaTown apartment building. An inflatable cushion is below him. Miles walks over when he’s stopped by a security guard)


SECURITY GUARD: Hey man, closed set.


MILES: Is this an American production?


SECURITY GUARD: Yeah, why? You need to go.


(The Asian man jumps out of the window and lands safely in the cushion. He then rolls off the cushion. The Asian-American director leans forward in his chair)


DIRECTOR: CUT!  (The Asian actor walks off set) We ready for the next part? (The camera guys nod as they point their cameras at the apartment building’s entrance) Three, two, one…ACTION!


(A bunch of Asian actors dressed in Chinese military fatigues run out carrying babies, with plumes of smoke emanating from the building)




(The Asian actor in a suit runs over)


ASIAN ACTOR: THANK JINPING FOR THIS MIRACLE! (The Asian Actor takes one of the babies and inspects it) And it’s a male baby! Even better!


SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you gotta go! Right now!

MILES: …You’re right. I do.


(Miles smiles and rushes away. Cut to Rob and McKenzie sitting in director’s chairs in front of a set constructed to look like a military barracks, where actors and actresses of all colors and creeds and religious backgrounds, are gathered around a TV. Cameras are trained on the actors and actresses as they await instruction)


ROB: We put together a good group, didn’t we, Kenz?


MCKENZIE: Yeah, these guys look good enough to fight in the impending war with Iran.


ROB: Hey, Kenz, maybe don’t depress everybody right off the bat, huh?


MCKENZIE: I was just joking-


ROB: Try to be a bit cheerier, huh, honey? Cool. (McKenzie scowls as Rob points at an attractive, tanned, shorter brunette woman in military fatigues on set) Hey, what’s that chick’s name?


(McKenzie flips through some papers)


MCKENZIE: That “chick’s” name is… (She taps the paper) Imogen P. Deckland.


ROB: Okay, thanks. (To Imogen) Hey Imogen!


IMOGEN: (Australian accent) Yes?


ROB: (Confused) Uh, you’re blocking the black little person we hired for diversity, so, move on to your mark, okay?


IMOGEN: Oh, sorry about that.


(Imogen moves over, revealing an African American little person in military fatigues shaking his head, annoyed)


ROB: (To McKenzie) Why was she putting on an Australian accent? Is it a bit?


MCKENZIE: No, Rob, she’s just Australian.


ROB: But she’s playing a member of the American military and she has a speaking line!


MCKENZIE: She can do an American accent, Rob, I wouldn’t have cast her otherwise.


ROB: We’ll see about that. (To Imogen) Hey, Imogen!




ROB: I hate to throw a- (Terrible Australian accent) “shrimp on your barbie”- (Imogen rolls her eyes) but if you could just show me your American accent so I can be sure it’s convincing, because obviously you’re from “down unda”.


IMOGEN: Sure. What do you want me to say?


ROB: Um…say, “let’s watch Friends and drink Starbucks”.


IMOGEN: (Near-perfect American accent) Let’s watch Friends and drink Starbucks!


(Imogen smiles all wide. Rob raises his eyebrows)


ROB: …Works for me! Let’s get this shot.


IMOGEN: (Back to Australian accent) So the line is really “look at his sinewy muscles”?


ROB: That’s correct. (Cut to Rob smoking a cigarette outside the studio. He finishes it, smushes the cigarette on the ground, and walks back inside, into a narrow hallway, where he sees Imogen leaning against the wall, waiting for someone to get out of the women’s restroom, which is located right next to the men’s. Rob walks over to her) Good job today.


IMOGEN: Thanks.


ROB: So, if you’re Australian, why’d you sign up to portray a member of the American military?


IMOGEN: Because it’s a role. Why’d you decide to use actors instead of real members of the U.S. military?


ROB: I mean, we tried, but a lot of them refused. ALL of them refused…


IMOGEN: Well. I’m the closest you got then.


ROB: What do you mean?


IMOGEN: I was in the military for four years. Back home.


(Rob leans forward)


ROB: Australia has a military?


IMOGEN: …Yes…yes, we do.


ROB: For what? Like…fighting wild emus and shit?


IMOGEN: I want to make fun of you for thinking that, but we did actually wage war against wild emus in the 30s.


ROB: So, where’d you fight?


IMOGEN: I never saw combat, I just, trained for four years. Performed military exercises.


ROB: Why’d you join?


IMOGEN: I was seventeen. Wanted to save up money, use it later for my career. (She looks at the ground) It was a huge waste of time, though.


ROB: …So could you kill me with your bare hands?


(Imogen smirks)


IMOGEN: I can try, especially if you try to do my accent again.


(Rob chuckles and looks at the men’s room)


ROB: Is someone still in there?


IMOGEN: I didn’t check.


(Rob jiggles the knob, but it’s locked)


ROB: You wanna bet ten dollars that my guy gets out first? Or ten, whatever Australians use for money?


IMOGEN: We call them “dollars” too. Also, I live in America, so I have American dollars.


ROB: Okay, well, let’s bet!


IMOGEN: What are you a gambling addict?


ROB: Recovering alcoholic, actually, I have to replace it with something.


(Imogen laughs and shakes her head. Cut to Rob sitting in AA. A balding, overweight man named Jay is speaking as Rob sits there, daydreaming)


JAY: Every single day, on my way back from work, I pass that bar. I don’t know why I don’t take a different route, but it’s like, it’s like I don’t want to. Like, I always want the option to relapse. You know? My wife-


GERALD: Wait, shut up real quick- (Jay does a double-take) Rob, you seem like the protagonist here, you got something to say?


(Rob smiles)


ROB: Yeah, I guess I do. (Beat) I met a girl during an ad shoot the other day. Beautiful young Australian girl, named Imogen. She’s an actress. And she’s ex-military! If you can believe that… (He leans back) she’s so fascinating. She’s and Australian veteran, but she just looks like this petite woman who doesn’t take anyone’s shit… (Rob smiles to himself) I like her a lot.


GERALD: …That’s great, Rob, but just be careful, because you’re not really supposed to become romantically involved during recovery, especially from alcoholism.


ROB: Why the hell not?


GERALD: Does Imogen drink?


ROB: I think so…


GERALD: Well, that’s why not.


ROB: She’s not an alcoholic though?


GERALD: It doesn’t matter. If you go out with her, you’ll feel pressure to do what she does. It’s what couples do. They rub off on each other. I remember, when I was recovering from my coke addiction, I couldn’t even go out with my co-workers after work for a casual coke party. I had to stay home, and get drunk all night instead. (Rob squints) So, just, try to just be her friend for now, okay? That’s my advice.


(Rob shrugs and looks down)


ROB: Yeah…sure…


GERALD: Great. I guess meeting over then.


AA MEMBER: Only Jay and Rob have spoken-




(Cut to Whitney reading a script in her office, at around 5pm. Bonnie pokes her head in)




(Whitney looks up)


WHITNEY: What’s up?


BONNIE: Sorry about the other day.


WHITNEY: Oh, don’t worry about it. Van Veen is a douchebag, everyone knows that. Especially Brian Williams’ daughter.


(Bonnie smirks)


BONNIE: See ya tomorrow.


(Whitney nods as Bonnie walks off. Cut to Bonnie getting in her car with Noel in the passenger’s seat, looking pissed)


NOEL: …Going out again tonight?


BONNIE: It’s only a few times a week, Noel. (Bonnie drives out of the parking garage and onto the streets of Beverly Hills) I need to blow off steam after Van Veen did me like that.


NOEL: …You can’t find a bar that’ll put an X on my hand?


BONNIE: LA’s strict about the drinking age, you know that. I can’t even take you to a goddamn hookah bar anymore.


(Noel sighs and stares out the window. Cut to Bonnie and Noel in the foyer of their house. Noel and Bonnie kiss)


NOEL: Have fun.


BONNIE: I’ll be back in a couple hours. Keep a window unlocked, just in case, I’m too dizzy to use the key.


(Bonnie walks out of the house and Noel locks the door behind her. Bonnie walks to her car, gets in, ties her hair into a ponytail, reaches back behind her seat, opens a bag and pulls out her brunette wig and puts it on. She then puts on fake green contacts, press-on nails and applies a fake mole to her cheek. She smiles, turns her off her car light, starts the car, and drives off. Shortly thereafter, we pan over to a private detective, a tall white man in a black jacket and V-neck, who starts up his car and follows Bonnie from a distance. Cut to Bonnie pulling up to a nondescript house in Tarzana. She gets out and walks into it, being greeted by camera men and Mushy Mouth Saunders. Several vans bearing the logo “SAUNDERS PRODUCTIONS- Makin’ Dicks Cry since 1995”. The PI’s car pulls up and surreptitiously films this with his phone)


PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR: Well, well, Bonnie. This is one dick you won’t be making cry. (The PI laughs to himself) That was pretty good. (Bonnie, Saunders and the crew go inside) Hmm. I wonder what her videos are like, actually. (The PI stops filming and looks up her videos on his phone. Moaning can be heard as the PI’s eyes go big) Whoa. I may have spoken too soon.


(The PI looks around and unzips his pants. Cut to Bonnie rolling off of the dude she was fucking, on a set sloppily made to look like a hotel room, as they’re surrounded by cameras, and being observed by Mushy Mouth Saunders. Two bellhop costumes are on the floor. The guy is breathing heavily)




(Everyone relaxes)


PORNO ACTOR: Jesus, you take a lot out of a guy.


BONNIE: It could be that you’re just weak.


(Bonnie gets up and puts on her clothes as the guy looks at her. Cut to Bonnie and Mushy Mouth Saunders talking in the kitchen. Bonnie is now fully dressed)


MUSHY MOUTH SAUNDERS: What can I do for you, honey


BONNIE: I’m not your fucking HONEY, and I have a simple favor to ask of you.


MUSHY MOUTH SAUNDERS: Please, proceed.


BONNIE: …I’m gonna get fired soon. From my job on Susan B. Trippin’, and possibly from Stone Productions. Even if I apologize to the set, I know Van Veen hates me and he’s gonna ax me sooner or later. So-


MUSHY MOUTH SAUNDERS: You wanna kill him.


BONNIE: What? No! NO! Maybe? No! I mean- no, no, I’m settling on “no”. As much as I want to. I’m asking for a raise.


MUSHY MOUTH SAUNDERS: Are you serious?


BONNIE: Yes! I might be out of two jobs soon. And I’m already being paid less than I was when I was Bonnie Backlash.


MUSHY MOUTH SAUNDERS: You were paid more as Bonnie Backlash because you were a porn star, Marla. (Bonnie grimaces) Now you’re anonymous again, per your request. So you’re starting at the bottom. As long as nobody figures out you’re Olivia Outrage, you’re just some random porn actress. And from what I understand, your living depends on your anonymity.


BONNIE: That’s bullshit! Olivia Outrage has a following-


MUSHY MOUTH SAUNDERS: I no longer get “Bonnie Backlash” style traffic, Marla. I’m paying you what you’re worth. Deal with it or not.


(Bonnie scowls at him)


BONNIE: Why don’t you go in there and shoot a porno where you’re fucking yourself, huh?


(Bonnie storms away. Cut to her walking angrily out of the house, getting in her and driving away. The PI quickly zips up his pants and follows her from a distance. Cut to Ricky Van Veen sitting in his darkened office at Facebook Watch, with only a lamp illuminating him. He’s staring forward with a devious look on his face. There’s a knock at the door)


RICKY: Come in.


(The PI opens the door and walks in)


PI: Jesus, dude, it’s so dark in here.


(The PI turns on the lights. Ricky throws up his hands)


RICKY: Dude! You ruined the sinister ambiance I was going for!


PI: Sorry, boss. But I think you’ll forgive me when you see these.


(The PI throws down a manila folder, which Ricky excitedly opens and spills pictures out of. He thumbs through the pictures of Bonnie walking into the house surrounded by the porno vans)


RICKY: Oh, Frankie, this is perfect. (Ricky lifts up one of the pictures) What’s the stain on your car window in this one?


(Frankie grabs the picture out of Ricky’s hand)


FRANKIE: Oh, that must be, uh, bird shit, or something.


(Cut to Miles sitting in Whitney’s office. Whitney looks dumbfounded)


WHITNEY: …You cannot be serious.


MILES: I’m serious as the heart attack I experienced several months ago!


WHITNEY: You had a heart attack-


MILES: It was minor, don’t worry about it-


WHITNEY: Why didn’t you tell us?!


MILES: Just focus!


WHITNEY: You want my FEMINIST production company to market our movie to the Chinese audience and appease the censors of a government that mandates abortions and sterilizations against the will of women?


MILES: Whitney, the Chinese audience is massive, they are just one and a half billion eyes THIRSTY for entertainment!


WHITNEY: I’m not gonna look the other way on the one-child policy just to make money!


MILES: They actually repealed the one-child policy three years ago, now it’s a two-child policy. Plus, it was never really a one-child policy to begin with, because nearly half of women were eligible to have more than one child-


WHITNEY: Shut up. There is no way I’m appeasing the Jinping government and their misogynistic policies!


MILES: You don’t have to PRAISE the two-child policy, you just can’t, criticize it…


WHITNEY: No, I’m sorry, this is out-of-the-question! I’m not gonna self-censor for the sake of the Communist Party of China, no way.


(Miles takes out a portfolio, removes a piece of paper and slips it across the desk)


MILES: Check out how much money a movie of a similar budget from a company of a similar size to ours made just last year when they marketed to the Chinese.


(Whitney stares down at the piece of paper and she flips it over. She covers her mouth and flips the paper back over)


WHITNEY: …No fucking way… (Miles nods) …so we don’t have to praise China’s policies? That’s good.


MILES: Yeah. So is this a-?


WHITNEY: I’m NOT saying “yes”, but, if you find a Chinese studio willing to work with us, maaaaybe we’ll consider it.


(Miles smiles)


MILES: Thank you, Whitney.


(Miles takes the file and runs out of the room, as Whitney sits back and chews on her knuckle. Cut to Whitney, Luther, Bonnie, McKenzie and Rob in a conference room meeting)


LUTHER: So, I think we’re at the stage with BeBitched where Hulu loves the pilot that Neil wrote, and that Stan and Olivia doctored, and they’re willing to buy.


WHITNEY: Tremendous!

LUTHER: I think we can start thinking about casting the main roles.


MCKENZIE: First of all, I’d like to withdraw my name from consideration, I’m very busy.


WHITNEY: Nobody, said- but, that’s- okay, sure. Thanks.


BONNIE: If we’re thinking about going in-house, I think I could be a badass witch. And plus, I might be unemployed soon, so, I’m saying take that into consideration, but just think about how much you value our friendship and then make your decision.


WHITNEY: No, we can’t keep going in-house.


ROB: Yeah, and we’re trying to copy Netflix’s “Sabrina” formula, and you’re hot, but you’re not Kiernan Shipka’s style of hot, if that makes sense.




WHITNEY: What the hell?!


ROB: What?! She’s nineteen!


BONNIE: Still, man, it’s weird.


ROB: Regardless, I think we should go for someone a bit quirkier, someone like, oh I don’t know, Imogen Deckland?


MCKENZIE: Oh, for Christ’s sake.


(Rob takes out Imogen’s headshot and pushes it forward on the table)


LUTHER: …Am I supposed to know who the fuck that is?


ROB: She was the lead role in an Australian web series a year ago, remember “The Sydney Sisters”?


WHITNEY: No! No, of course we don’t remember that!

ROB: But doesn’t she have the look of a gritty reboot of the Samantha Stephens character?


(They all look at the headshot, and they mumble in agreement)


BONNIE: You heard of this broad, Kenz?


MCKENZIE: …Nope. (Beat, as Rob smiles at her) She looks the part, though.


WHITNEY: So…she’s Australian? (Rob nods) Can she do an American accent?


ROB: Better than you or I.


WHITNEY: …Go to her directly, gauge her interest. I can’t promise anything, obviously, it’s not up to us, but I can put in a good word if she wants to come in an audition for Hulu.


ROB: Hot dog! (Rob stands up) I’ll go to her right now!


WHITNEY: We still have a lot to get to, Rob, and it’s like 11am. Sit down.


(Rob nods and sits down)


ROB: Yes, of course.


(Cut to Rob driving with McKenzie in the passenger’s seat, as NPR plays over the radio)


NPR: A Government whistleblower has complained about a promise President Trump allegedly made to a Government leader, details of which are unknown, but depending on what you believe, you can just go ahead and fill in the details yourself. In other news, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has been forced to apologize for two instances of wearing blackface as a young man, and this morning he was forced to apologize for a third such instance. The Prime Minister, whose party is currently fighting the Conservative Party of Canada in an upcoming General Election, now claims he does not know the exact number of times he has worn blackface, or for that matter, if he was ever not wearing blackface prior to joining parliament in 2008. In election news, Biden has slipped to second or even third in recent polls for the California Primary, with Warren leading in one and Sanders leading in another, while California’s own Senator Kamala Harris is polling at 6%, behind entrepreneur Andrew Yang.


ROB: I can’t believe CA is doing my girl Kamala like this. Maybe she’d be polling better if she returned my calls or texts or let me a do a public endorsement.


MCKENZIE: Rob, I have to ask this, have you ever worn blackface?


(Rob looks over at McKenzie and then back on the road)


ROB: Why’d you insist on coming with me?


(McKenzie sighs)


MCKENZIE: You know why. You’re a recovering alcoholic and you might soon be her boss. You can’t start something.


(Rob rolls his eyes and parks in front of her house, a large house in the Hollywood Hills. Rob and McKenzie get out and walk up her steep driveway. Cut to Imogen leading Rob and McKenzie up a set of spiral stairs to a spacious living room and adjoining kitchen)


IMOGEN: Before you accuse me of being a rich girl, just know that I live here with five other people.


(They arrive in the living room and find three people- a tall blonde dude in his early 30s, a black girl in her mid-20s and a blonde girl in her late 20s)


ROB: What up?


BLACK GIRL: (Australian accent) How are you?


BLONDE DUDE: (Australian accent) Nice to meet you.


BLONDE GIRL: (Australian accent) Pleasure.


ROB: …Did you guys know each other?


IMOGEN: I swear to God it was a coincidence. (Cut to Rob, McKenzie and Imogen sitting at the dinner table, while the other Australians are chatting on the balcony) Wow, I’m so flattered. This is a sure thing?


ROB: Not exactly, but we have heavy pull at Hulu.


IMOGEN: Wow, thank you so much for recommending me!


ROB: Well, that ad turned out perfectly, you really pulled the whole thing together.


IMOGEN: Awww, that’s so sweet!


MCKENZIE: (Speaking up loudly) Of course, there is some risk in working with Rob, he has had his fair share of scandal, I’m sure you’ve heard.


(Rob glares at McKenzie)


IMOGEN: Um, I’m sorry?


MCKENZIE: Oh, right, you’ve only lived in America a short time. Well. Rob was fired from TBS, about eighteen months ago, for having an inappropriate relationship with one of his subordinates.


IMOGEN: Oh. What was the nature of-?


ROB: Thank you for bringing this up, Kenz, yeah, we had sex. We had sex and I apologized, and I think the world has moved on. So anyway, I think you’ll have a lot of fun in this role, you will need to audition, but I don’t worry about-


MCKENZIE: You know the world may have moved on- (Rob glares at her) but I’m not sure you have, considering the fact that scandal forced you to drop out of a congressional race, and now you find yourself running for that same district again.


ROB: Well, I want to help the country. So anyway-


IMOGEN: You’re running for Congress?


ROB: I am. But right now, we are talking about BeBitched, not my unstoppable political career-


MCKENZIE: Did you know Rob and I used to hook up two years ago?


IMOGEN: Oh, I’m sure that’s none of my-


MCKENZIE: No! It’s a funny story, he stopped returning my texts after a while, kind of ghosted me, and we end up working together! How crazy is that? Then he was dating this girl Lilly, and he has an orgy with my boyfriend and I WHILE he’s dating her! Isn’t that a funny story?


IMOGEN: No, not particularly.


ROB: Well, I think we’re done here. You get the picture. You’re a-shooin’ for a role on a Hulu show, and I’m a horrible monster.


(Imogen snickers as Rob and McKenzie stand up, quickly followed by Imogen)


MCKENZIE: Well, I don’t know how funny it is, it’s a testament to his lack of faithfulness-


IMOGEN: You just said it was a funny story, love, sorry, I know you’re doing me a favor, but I really you to stop talking.


(McKenzie reels a little bit and then puts her hand up apologetically. Rob smiles and shakes Imogen’s hand)


ROB: Thanks so much.


IMOGEN: Thank you!


(Imogen shakes McKenzie’s hand half-heartedly. Cut to Rob standing outside Imogen’s house, smoking a cigarette while McKenzie sits in the car, parked on the street. She rolls down the window)


MCKENZIE: Are you almost done?!


ROB: I am going to take my sweet fucking time after that little performance, Park.


(McKenzie scoffs and rolls the window back up. Imogen walks out of her house and goes over to Rob)




ROB: Oh, shit, hi, sorry, I’m almost done-


IMOGEN: Oh, no, it’s fine-


(Rob takes out his pack)


ROB: Do you want one?


IMOGEN: No, I don’t smoke, I just wanted to say, thank you again for this amazing opportunity.


ROB: Hey, I think you’re perfect for it. No problem. (Rob shakes Imogen’s hand again) Sorry about McKenzie, she’s obviously mad at me.


IMOGEN: No shit. (Rob laughs) My God, what was that?


ROB: I don’t know, exactly. Trust me, she’s usually great. One of my good friends.


IMOGEN: I’ll take your word for it….


(Awkward beat, as Rob finishes his cigarette and crushes it under his foot. He then picks it up and puts it in his pocket)


ROB: Eco-friendly.


IMOGEN: Of course. Thank you. I look forward to our professional relationship.


ROB: Me too.


(Rob and Imogen shake hands, and Imogen’s hand lingers on Rob’s for a second, before she walks back to her house. Rob watches as she goes into her front door and closes it behind her. McKenzie lays on the horn, and Rob rushes over to his car. Cut to Bonnie standing in front of the cast and crew of Susan B. Trippin’, including Danielle, Francis and Reilly, on the set of Susan B. Trippin’)


DANIELLE: Hey guys, that wraps Bonnie for the season, but before she gets out of here, she wanted to say a few words. Bonnie?


BONNIE: Thanks, Danielle. Listen, I recognize that I’ve been a huge bitch this year. (Scattered laughter) Some of it, is honestly unacceptable.


DANIELLE: All, of it.


BONNIE: Right. So, I wanted to sincerely…well, you know the word, for all of my shitty behavior. For real. I’ve been going through a lot, but that’s no excuse. You guys are my family. You rule. Good luck on the rest of the shoot. (People applaud, and then suddenly Ricky walks on set) And if this is a family, this dude is the mean, drunk uncle who just got out of jail. (They all look at her) Right, turning over a new leaf.


RICKY: Bonnie, could I speak to you?


(Bonnie sighs. Bonnie walks away from the cast and crew and towards Ricky. Cut to a furious Bonnie standing in front of Ricky’s desk in a small corner office, with the pictures of Bonnie at the porno house scattered across the desk)




RICKY: Do you blame me for not trusting you, “Olivia”?


BONNIE: I ought to cut your fucking dick off.


RICKY: Did you really think you could get away with wearing this lame disguise forever?


BONNIE: Do you think you could get away with disguising yourself as a human fucking being forever?!


RICKY: I just wanted to let you know your character will suffer an early death, off-camera, next season.


BONNIE: You’re gonna kill off Alice fucking Paul!? She was a real person, she didn’t even die until the seventies!


RICKY: She also wasn’t alive during the time the show takes place, where she’s depicted as a bad-ass assassin, so MAYBE don’t nitpick us on historical accuracy.




(Bonnie storms out. Ricky stares at the pictures of Bonnie and smiles. Cut to Whitney, McKenzie and Rob in Whitney’s office having a meeting)


WHITNEY: So, she’s amenable?


ROB: She is more than amendable-




ROB: She is enthusiastic as fuck.


MCKENZIE: Far too enthusiastic.


WHITNEY: What do you mean “too enthusiastic”, how could that be bad?


MCKENZIE: Just let me be pissed, okay?


WHITNEY: Oh, shit are you on the “depressive” side of manic depression?




WHITNEY: Okay. Sorry.


ROB: Anyway, I think she’ll nail the audition. Now, we just gotta find Samantha’s husband Darrin.


MCKENZIE: You wanna audition, Rob?


(Rob nervously laughs and elbows her)


ROB: (Faux-jokingly) Shut the fuck up, Kenz! (Whitney squints) I’m sure we can find someone good through the regular auditioning process.


(Bonnie storms in)



WHITNEY: Bonnie, this is a closed meeting!


(Bonnie slams a picture of a picture of Bonnie going into the porno house onto Whitney’s desk)




ROB: Oh shit, are you Olivia Outrage!?


BONNIE: Wha- uh, yes, Jesus, I did so much to hide my face.


WHITNEY: He tailed you?! That is not cool at all.


MCKENZIE: Yeah, and where the hell does one get a PI in real life?


BONNIE: Now I’m off SBT Season Two! You gotta get Ricky Van Veen kicked off Susan B. Trippin’ and get me in for Season Two!


WHINTEY: Bonnie, it doesn’t exactly work like that, I don’t have control over Facebook Watch’s hiring and firing decisions, and they wouldn’t take kindly to me even trying to tell them what to do with their people.


BONNIE: WOW! Do you get paid by the Democratic Party!? Because I hear big talk, but I don’t see ACTION!


(Whitney sighs)


WHITNEY: Bonnie, relax! I’m sure I could get Hulu to get you on BeBitched, in a supporting role.


BONNIE: NO! ENOUGH SETTLING! I want the lead role.


ROB: What?


WHITNEY: Bonnie, we’ve all but filled the lead role-


BONNIE: I DON’T CARE IF YOU GOT RENEE ZELLWEGER! I’M THE LEAD ON BEBITCHED OR I’M GONE! (Bonnie smiles) I’ll give you time to think about it in your private little meeting!

(Bonnie storms out, leaving Rob, McKenzie and Whitney grappling with the implications of this)


ROB: …I’ll start by saying Renee Zellweger would be too old for this particular role.


MCKENZIE: Why did you go right there?


ROB: I’m just saying, it needed to be said! It was just hanging out there!




(Cut to black)





Submitted: September 20, 2019

© Copyright 2021 NEONETWORK. All rights reserved.

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