Divorce - The Journey

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
This is a story of a girl who was in a toxic abusive relationship/marriage and struggled to get out but found her way..
As she tells the story, she takes you through the journey of her final moments of her life or what she thought was her life long love and marriage. Right down to the the day she finally walked away.

Submitted: October 01, 2019

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Submitted: October 01, 2019

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The year is 2016 and, as I reflect on my journey, I can truly say that the only thing that can heal all the wounds from the past seven years is time. Right now, I am uncertain just how to handle the changes that I am facing; all I know is that this has to be the year that I stand true to what I believe, and what I want so that I can reach my destination. I feel that I am ready to let go – my mind has grasped the idea of being divorced and it really isn’t a tragedy… It is however, the best thing to do.

Emotions are misleading and love is often blind, fools believe that it conquers all; fools rush in and I wore that crown proudly for a long time. I tried over and over to make it work because I believed it could work, I believed that it would get better; I believed that our love could stand through the hardest of times and conquer all that life threw at us. I was wrong… so wrong. I got too caught up in my emotions and allowed them to cloud up my judgement. I let what I believed was love trap me into situations I often hated. I made some bad choices and got changed myself for a man. I sacrificed my happiness, compromised my Christianity and worse of all, I compromised my children’s emotional wellbeing.

Now that the blinders are off and love is lost, I know exactly what I want without the influence of my stupid emotions or the little voices of uncertainty in my head. This is all me, I am not afraid to let go, and I’m certainly not afraid of life. I don’t know if I will ever be the same, or if I will ever really get over all the things I’d had to endure and if I will be content with my life. That scares me, not knowing what will be. They say what keeps us from moving forward is fear, and it will keep me from doing what I need to do. I know that overcoming this fear will help me achieve my goals. This is my time to change things for me and appreciate what I have done with my life and what I continue to do.

I am a single mother on the verge of divorce, I am raising two children by myself although; I have to say that it isn’t easy. The strength comes from looking at their happy faces and being proud of myself that I am making it work for them and for myself despite the odds. They are the most important people in my life and nobody else takes precedence and I know that my life would seize to exist if I ever lost them. Being a mom is the best thing that has ever happened to me, I should be proud of myself for holding things together the way I have in the last year and a half…From here on, I intend to march on like the superwoman I am because I love my kids. No matter how hard it is, or how hard it will still get, I will lead my family into a brighter future. I am confident about that.

“The Wait is Over”

Finally, I got the ‘notice of set down’ for my long-anticipated divorce and at first glance the date meant nothing to me. The piece of paper said that my husband had to be in court with me and that freaked me out. I had imagined being there on my own you know; my divorce, my victory, my achievement, my grand finale… My moment alone and nothing to spoil the day by having to deal with a man or even see him. As I took a closer look, what had me all the more shook up was what the date on that piece of paper meant and signified... I didn’t pay attention to it at first, I didn’t care… so I began to wonder if it were a mere coincidence or a sign…

I know that nothing happens by chance, and there is always a reason for everything. I know that on the 26th of May 2011, I made the biggest mistake of my life and it took five years for me to get to this point right here. “On the 26th of May 2016 I will get my life back, the life I lost five years ago. On the 26th of May I will reclaim my identity, and the mistake will be rectified... This is what I want.” The words resounded in my head… However, knowing that nobody really comes out of this kind of situation the same again, all I wanted was my freedom.  That craving only made me realize that I had nothing to freak out about, no need to feel bad at all. It meant good, positive things and I felt good about that. The date was perfect, I couldn’t care what he or his family thought about me. It was already too late for that, and perhaps: “seeing them one last time to say my goodbyes won’t hurt” I thought. “While they showed him love by supporting the negative and the wrong he did, I will show them what true love is by loving myself enough to leave them all in my rear view and walk away from them with a smile on my face”.

 “Even if I am there on my own that day, I have an army of people behind me, an army that doesn’t need to make a spectacle of themselves. I don’t have leaves that change colour and fall away when seasons change. I don’t have branches that only stick around till the pressure gets too much and then break. I have roots, roots that keep me standing strong, roots that do not whither no matter the season. Roots that hold me down and keep me standing firm no matter the strong winds of cold winter nights or storms that try to break me. They show me that no matter what life throws my way, whether negative or positive, they will never let me fall; they will never let me break.”

The ones that thrive on supporting the negative, are the ones that fall the quickest when storms strike. They are the ones that leave you bare, and run for cover when you thought they were your support system. You convince yourself those are the ones you need and they are the ones who love you most. Sooner or later, you will resent them for breaking you down instead of building you up. Ultimately after all is said and done, you will painfully discover that you’re all alone and the only person that was your roots and gave you your life; the one that made you strong throughout the years, was the same person that you took for granted and she is gone but it will be too late then.

My point is, I am okay, I am doing what is best or myself and for my children. I have had a long time to process all this and I am happy with where I am emotionally. I used to love him, but over time love dies and all the foolish reasons that made you get into it will be the same reasons you want to get out. I do not love him anymore, no, my love for him died a slow painful death. There is nothing there and this is probably what I’ve been waiting for – this feeling... What once meant the world to me is now of very little significance to me. The man I once loved no matter what he did to me, the man who I devoted my life to is the man that made me lose myself and drove me to insanity and, almost to my grave. So, the wait is over, the time is now and my journey with him has finally come to an end.

“The Lessons”

For years I longed for the man who gave me life, the man that abandoned me as a child. My father… I searched for him in all the older men that I dated. Needless to say, the search was meaningless filled with unhealthy relationships that often got me caught up in some compromising regrettable situations. I figured that if I found him, all my daddy issues would be resolved, all my troubles would go away. Mostly, I wanted to judge him for myself and erase all that I had remembered and heard about him. I wanted to feel his love and to believe that he wasn’t as bad as my mother made him out to be. I wanted to believe that there were perfectly good reasons to the things that he did. He was my father and I needed to know him and if anything, probably get some sort of closure if all else failed.

I found my father and I soon came to know that all these years I deluded myself into thinking it would mean something or change anything. I didn’t realize just how much I resented him till I came face to face with him and nothing could be erased. I relived the painful memories of abandonment only he was the one confirming that he was guilty for everything that I had experienced as a child. He didn’t deny or apologise for whatever he did to us but felt that he deserved us in his life and needed to be forgiven without ever making things right or asking for forgiveness. I then realized that I didn’t love my father, and he couldn’t have ever loved me. He was no father of mine!!! He was my blood but he was no kin to me; I had no love or respect for him, he was a stranger and I couldn’t have a relationship with him so I ran from him. It took a very long time to accept the fact that I would never be able to love any man because my father didn’t show me or teach me anything about love. Instead he set the standard for all the kinds of men I would run into in my lifetime and made sure that no matter what, I will always run back to him.

I ran into the arms of another man, married him and believed that I could love him, shape him and build him to be everything that my father wasn’t. Boy was I in for a rude awakening; because the man I loved instantly, and convinced myself that he was my dream come true was in fact a replica of the stranger I didn’t love and respect. Everything that I hated about my father, everything that he was and everything I never got to learn I found in the man I married. My husband showed me exactly who my father was and fulfilled the laws of the universe.

I gave him two children, married him despite the fact that just five months prior to that he had a knife by my throat, I still married him... I was loyal, true, and I gave him everything that he needed. I moved mountains for him, build him up, gave him goals, vision and took care of him. I gave him all of my love while I received nothing but pain and, he treated me as though I owed him and didn’t deserve him, like he was too good for me. How quickly he changed and easily forgot where he was before I came along. He was nothing more than just the universe’s way of teaching me the lessons that I needed to learn. To give me all the answers to the questions that were left somewhere between denial, misguided anticipation and reality, between soundless judgement, written confrontations and insanity.

Growing up, I didn’t understand why my mother did the things that she did, I questioned her actions, decisions and everything she said. I ended up being filled with a lot of resentment for her for a lot of reasons. Well, they say you can never really understand what someone else has gone through until you walk a mile in their shoes. No matter who tries to teach you the lessons, you will never learn till you learn them on your own.

The universe brought to me a life of my own that made me understand; it brought me a man whom resembled my father and gave me the path my mother walked. The mud on my shoes from walking the same journey taught me to never ever judge the choices of others because you know not how they reached them. Finally, I have learned the lessons and my profound understanding of the past and the present has finally led me to the same destination, the same decisions my own mother made… hoping that my children will understand too one day.

Everything is so much clearer now. All these years being stuck in a marriage that I couldn’t leave was just the universe saying I haven’t learned anything and now I get it. The hardest choices in life are the best choices, they are worth it. Situations will keep repeating themselves or go on till we have learned the lessons.

I have learned that I need to love myself before I go looking for love in others because I might find worse. I have learned to accept the past and make peace with the present and even though the past is a good place to visit, it isn’t a good place to stay. Move on. I am not to blame for my father’s actions, forgive all. I know that I had to experience what I have the past seven years to understand my pain, to grow from it, as a woman, a mother and a daughter. Appreciate the little that I have and give thanks to this second chance life gives me and always know the difference between love and chaos. Learn to deal with the things that trouble my soul appropriately, and accept what I cannot change except what I can’t accept. I have learned what the definition of insanity really is; this is my time to do things differently and this is how I get my desired results.

My story ends but my journey continues on. A second chance at life, yes, I get to start again. The climb was tough, but the view from way up here sure looks great and it’s worth it. Difficult situations always lead to beautiful destinations.

“The Finale”

26th of May 2016, the day has finally come where the court decides my future. Today I get to divorce my husband and God willing, he will see this through… He will see ‘me’ through. It has taken me years to get to this point and I pray that nothing stands in the way of what I want, what I really need.

I’ve endured more than I could and one might argue that it wasn’t all that bad, but every woman has a breaking point and every love has limits of how much more it can take before it completely dies out. Any self-respecting woman would do the same and decide to walk away from it all and many would ask why it took me this long to get out. I always believe that anything, before execution requires careful planning. Being Sure, being content with the decision enough to know there is no looking back and there are no more doubts. Reaching a point of no return, where nothing can be fixed or reconsidered or even swayed.

Right now, though I feel anxious about how things will turn out today, I pray I come out a victor. I don’t feel pain or regret, I’ve had enough pain to carry me through right up to this day and enough regret to be here changing the course of my life. Life won’t be easy but it can’t be that hard, especially now that I am ridding myself of the baggage I’ve carried on my shoulders all these years. Now I get to stand on my own two feet and be proud, hold my head up high for I am Itumeleng Charlene Maseko, the daughter of the most remarkable woman in the world. If she could do it, so can I, I am my mothers’ daughter… Strong, beautiful and fearless… I take a stand for all the women in the world, the sisters, girlfriends, single mothers whom have walked a life time enduring abuse in all forms and feeling stuck with no way out and no hope of a brighter future. Today is the day I say enough!!!  I rise up from the rubble and be a warrior, fight for you and me. For wonderful things to happen for us, a lot of bad will happen to us first, but never ever give up. Let it hurt, let the tears fall down like sleet on a winter night, and wash yourself clean from that ocean of tears because once everything has all dried up, you will stand tall, you will rise. I will walk through the courts doors with confidence and I will walk out victorious. Today is the finale.

 

 

 

 

 


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