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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic
Stepherd the ostrich is a story about self expression, romance, and finding your true self. Follow Stepherd on his journey with wacky friends, pangender frying pans, and unexpected fatherhood. Though Stepherd is a story about an ostrich, it can easily be translated into our modern society.

Submitted: October 15, 2019

A A A | A A A

Submitted: October 15, 2019



Stepherd The Ostrich


Bai J.C Candlestick-Blackgoop (olso plz comment i loik to no wut yall thank xoxo uwu *:???(???)???:**?*(? ? ?).???.(?U ? U?)(?U? ??? ? U?)(U ? U?)?(?U ? U?)– ?? (???) ??-?( ???)??( ??? )?(??? ? ?? ? ??)?


Stepherd the ostrich playyed in a ostrich band bcause hhe is a musicle ostrich and heis a rich ostrich bcause its ostRICH not ostPOOr so the stepherd has alll th mony in hte hole entir woorld accept h live in the swamp bcause he likez teh ssmell of sulfur cuz hes a extravagent ostrish not an normall otsric loik alll hes freindz cuz hes a coool boi/ umlike UUU!!!111!!11!1

Anywayz stepherd an hes bandnd haz a gag tonite wit teht restrauauant caled THE BEzT RESTRAUAUAUAunt bcuz the are 

Hte bezt in the intired world jost loik stepherd the coolio ortsrich an they were playin sweeet corolaniene BUM BUM BUM cuz stephedrd is a ostrish off ze finne artts cuz hes grandpapa is the queen of dei worrled an he made every1 say dat St===pherdrd is xhe brezt<< even beter tan themm hahahaha tkae THAT evribodie!!!11!!!!1!!!!11!1!/ an dthen stepherd went an ate som pai but UH OH the pai has sicckeness in it now stepherd is sickkkekckc!!1 Oh NO hes dyigng an now stepherds gorlfreidn is sad boi cuz theye weres in llovE1!1!!1! An STEPHerdsa gone dye sooone!!!!!!!1!!!1!an evry1s cryin cuz theye lokded stepherd but hes’s gotte DEPRESSION!!! Ow stephers is sad!!!! An hes not goina gow anyhwere nowe cuz hes a feelin loik VAMPRIEE oRstrcihe an when he goez outside he getsa sburned by zsethe suns epic roasts!!!! But hes scared of the dark!1!!!!! An then stefards galfrend was like


 “Hey Stepherd would you like to go to Legoland? We haven’t really gotten a chance to do anything fun lately and I miss hanging out with you,” an stephers was liok WUUUUUT cuz eh never went to LEGOlanD cuz he waz screadre of steppin on legoes cuz OWW stat hurtzz! PAIN! But sew stepherd was loike YESs letz go noew!!11111111! Ann so they did!Ann stephejjedxrd was soooOOOOooOO supper dupper exite bcuz he loiked makin lego hatz so dat he could be stylissh likeie his GRandpapapapapa whos name is Qween Grandpapaap of the WORLD!!!!!!111111!! Everythting was so AWESOEM anthen STEPHERDS FeLLL DOWN an he gotta go to da  hospiltial@@!!! OH NOO!


   “Am SADDDNESS!” Stephened cryd cuz he wuz hurtin inside an out 


 “Don’t be a baby, Stepherd,” Glarka da gorlfrind of Stephekefwkfjaerd sayed cuz she a meany >:(((( An den she sed “You literally tripped on the side walk and made me bring you to the emergency room.” 


“Cus i hav brian damage!!!!!!11!1!” Stepherd sed frustretltkjedly an Glarka rolled dem eyeballs an siad 


“From two years ago when you got run over by an ice cream truck!” an Stepherd got REAL MAd bcuz NOBODy brought up de ICE CREAM TRUCK!!!!!11!!!!!!!!!111!1!111111!!!1!!!!! so he went k 


‘DAt’s IT Glorka!!!!11! U’ve made meeheheeeeh relaleeallizze my troo sexuialitity!! Am not strait!!11! Am PAnsexul!11!!! An we be noT DATIN NO Moor!!’’’ An den glarkaa LEFT! Dat gorl has a lotta gutts!


Stepherdz depressionresssion  wuz sSOO bad cuz he kinda loiked glorkaaaa but she wun’nt no moor hiz galfrngfdd… an stepheredered wuz struglin’ to find hes idintitytitity cuz he couldn’t foind hes PAn dat he neededed to DATE cuz hes PANSEXUEXUAUL!!! So wen he got relesesed from de hospitiple he wentto da kitchen suply storee and bot hemself a PAN to MArry (butt no to sooon cuz hes not dat kinda ostrich but he wunted to taik hes pan to da gag he wuz playin’ at da cunsert wit hes band cuz it wood bee ronamantic an he mite evn getta kiss his pan on da cheeck!11! \


Anywayz stepherd decidededed to right a music abo=ut his pan cuz dey were in loove!!! It wnt loik dis





WE BE MENT TO BE WE BE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!






Das Y 



An den the wuz an EPIcCK gutare SOLO!!!11 an den it whent like


meh love fo U is lioke du most pan pan

yo face remoindz meh off love pan

togetir, we are like ostrich an pan


oh dorlin Pan,

mey pan pan,

moi love pan,

the porfikt cumPANion to my pan soul!!!111!!!


panz are red,

panz are blue,

me like panz,

But not as much me lovz pan you!111!!!!11


oi dorlin Pan

Your pan are like pan pan on a love day,

You're like the most love pan to ever walk pan!1!!!!


U be love pan face,

U be love pan soul,

U be love pan pan,

U be love pan being...

haw culd i looky at anuda wen U be me be pan love is so strong 


Afterer the perefeormaenese stephehrhed went ovevrer tu PANNNNn andn sed


“Did u loik it11??//??/” an de pan smiled!!1 it wuz dat momeoent dat Stepherd new dat dey were ment to bee. 

Leenin in; stepheredered kizzed pan an dey were all loik 

“Les get marririred!!!!11” an so stepherd called his momm an went “ey mawma! I fell into lovve with a PANN an we be gettin mariied tomorowow!!!!!!!!!11 YAYYYY!!!1!1!” an stepherereds mawma sed 


“Imma sew happie fo u!!!!! Can eye brign moi frends to de weddin!!?/” an stepherereerd sed “UHHH yeah DUH U so stOOpid mawma of corse eye lowve UU bai!!!!”” an den he HUngG Upp!


De pan wuz sooo exited dat zzhe wuz gettin maryed to zzhes treu love insted of bein cooked on lik all zzzhes friendz but zzhe wuz sadd cuz all zzhes frienz were GONNE! An so zzhe told stepherd an he wuz loik oh no we go resQ dem!1!! 


AN so stepherd an his panfrnd went BAck to de SUPply store resQ the odder panz!1 


“O lewk1!1” stepherd sed to pan, cuz he seed teh pan displaei case throo hte windO an den he put pan on hes bacc an tey waked in too de store but UH OH!!! Stepherd wakled inpo the widow! Now dere be glass evrywere! An Oh NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO pan might be hurtn’ so stepherd wuz loik U OK PAN?!!!1!?/?/ an pan wuz loik “Yee yee bruh lez go” an so dey went into da store (for realsies dis tim) but the storr clark got real mad that ther wuz a ostrich in hes stor so he wuz loik “Ahhhh Y is ther an ostrcih in my store!1//1???!/1?1//?!?!!?/” An stepherd wuz loik


“Cuz we be getting married we be an my pan needs there friendeds!” But the clark wuz loik wuutttt…? An he called to POPO! Now stehen an pan gotta run! But stephen wuz detremine to get da panz for his pan so he wuz like HYA!!!!! An he runned rite passed the clark and grabed all the panz an put dem in his dufel bagg an ran awae! But teh popo wuz catchen’ up real fast cuz they be cheaterz so stepherd runned like he neva runned Bfore! An pan wuz like “I love Uu uwu!” an stepherd wuz llike ‘aww thx ;)” an den they gott bacc home at da swamp afta an wile of runnining. 


An stephereredrd wuz oll like “PANNNN i loive UUUU” an pan wuz loik “Don loook @ me we be gettin marryd todayyy cuz it be midniote!!!!11!!!” 


An den stephered sed “O yea!1! Lemme go get oowr sutes from da storee!1!! An den U be go to get the odder PAnz dere drezzez an stoof!1!” an so pan sed


“ok” an den he wolked out the door an stephered wuz loik


“I gotz to thro a batcholor partayyyy fo me an pan!!!!” so he colled all hes friends an wuz loik “Ey!!!1!!1!!11 Immma gettin marryd tooday!! I need U to thro meh an pan a batchoelor partayy!!!!1!!1!1!1” an his freinds wen loik “ye ye buddy lez go” an den they were loik “ok we be done now com over too da mall” an sew stephor did. 


Anywayz stephord wuz @ the moll food cort for som exkuizit yum yumz an alsO hes bacholore partay tat hes friends where plannin’ togeter. Steford wuz soooooooooooooo ecsited for hes partay that he ulmost threw up! Butt he didnt cuz he had a strong stumick whitch he thot wood be gud for if he ever gotta hav a babie wit pan. It mad hem giggle juts thinkin’ bout it!11 He thot is ever wuz gonna hav a babie he wuz gon name it Pepsi cuz he loiked the soda an olso cuz hes aunties name wuz cola an he thot that’d be loik a cute famaley thang. Anywayz stephord wuz gettin’ impatients cuz hes fries wernt dere yet an he wonted to PARTAYYY wit them in the yum yum cort @ the moll. 


“IMMA HERE STEPHEIROEIOEHKHRD!!!!” 1 of stephordz fries sed and stephorf wuz like


 “YEZzZZ yall R here foinalley!!!” an den thy storted PARTEYIN’ loik der wuz no tomorO!!1!” but OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO the POPO wuz bacc!!!!!!!!!!!11 an they were maddd dat there wuz a ostrcchc an a pan havin’ a parteyy cuz they all be a buch a HOMOphoOBES an they don like PAN[BLEEEP]ualz!!1
BUT DEN HEY AREZTED SETPEHERD!!1!1 an deybe seyin’  somthrinjn in dere weerd langige of the hoomanz!!1 but stepherd herd the werd ostrich an just NEEW they were talkin’ baddd talk over dere!!1! Now dey aint JUSt HOMofobz1!! They be RASIZT 2!!!1!1!! An stephord wuz not gonna tolk an giv up hes bffz to the popo! So he sed

 “Imma not tolkin unlez my loyer is prezent!!1” cuz he wuz watchen oll the crime showz on hes TVelizion an dats wut they oll sed when de POPO catchez deM!!!




 “Do you think animal control knows how to deal with ostriches?” Evan asked, taken aback by the huge bird locked in a containment cell. 


 “Beats me,” Nicholas replied, chuckling whilst mopping his forehead free of sweat. “But they damn well know better than us,” he said, picking up his phone and dialing a number. 


 “How do you even think an ostrich got into a mall? I thought those lived in Australia!” Evan remarked, flinching as the big dumb bird rammed it’s head into the glass. “I’m just a security guard, for heaven’s sake!” Nicholas let out a short laugh as he put his phone back in his pocket. Evan took another long look at the raging bird, before ramarking, 

“This is even crazier than that time Sharpayyy and the kids saw a llama in an ice cream truck!” Ice cream truck. Ice cream truck. Ice cream truck. 


The words resonated in Stephered’s head. Nobody mentioned the ice cream incident. Nobody. 


Stepherd felt his eyes narrowing. He felt his legs preparing to charge. His vision went red. 


 Bye teh time stepherded reganed consiosniss, he wuz @ home with pan an hes friends. Stepherds mawma an her palz were sittin’ on da cooch nittin’ skarphz. Stephord screemed. Not bcuz he wuz hurtin butt bcuz he felt loik it. Stephords mawam sed


“Shut up nododie carez abt U” an dat shut stepherede up real quik ciz he love his mawma an he don wanna upset her


“Butt mawma wut happnd?” he assed cuz he din remenmber notin. 


“IDK i wuz just there fo a weddin but insed U got arested an smased a buncha thangs an pan got deprezzed cuz zzhe thot u wuz ded” @ the menton of pan stephord got real happ cuz he lovved pan so he wuz loik
“PAN! Were be U!>!>?!??” an pan wuz loik

“Imma here stephord!’ an thed dey hugd an pan wuz loik “ey lezz get maryed now cuz i got dem ringz fo uz!1!” an stephord sed




 So den qween grandpapa of the world started wolken down the I’ll (cuz he wuz rign barer) folowd by his mawma an 1 of panz friesnd (cuz the were flower gorlz) an they wer droppin’ flowir petlez wereever they wolked but rite no they where only wolkin down the i’ll. Stepherd smoiled as pan storteld wolkin down the i’ll as wel. He new that he wuz goin to be the hapyest ostrich in the entire worold, as long as he hed pan boi hes soide. Stephersdds granddady (qween of the worlds) wuz doin the  thigny were u loike read som lines or somethin an thenhe wold go loik ‘U may now kizz the pan!’ but IDK wit its colled so anywayz. 


 “Do u promiz to love pan fo yo entire loife>>/?’ grandpapy assed. Steroehrd noddedan sed “ye’ an pan alzo smiled cuz zzzze wuz happy that he wood spen the rest of zzzes loife wiht stepherd.


“ok cool u may now kiss heeh broide… i meen pan” an stepherd kissed pan. Evry1 cheerd for dem. Pan an stephord wuz so ahppy to foinally sort there family in stepherdreds swomp. 


“aight ervybody leeve we be goin o or honymun!” stepherded sed haply. 


A cople dayz latr


“Pan?” stephered assed. Pan loked up frum zzhes book an wuz loik


‘Yeas darlin?/?/’ an stepherd rd rd rd rd rd rd sed 


“i thinck we shud stort tolken abot stortin our famly togeter cuz i love u an i think we shul have a babychild” an pan sed


“But we can’t!111 cy=uz im a pan an yoor a ostrich!1 an i wanna be a pan parent butt idk hoW!!1 IMMA FREEKEN OWT!!!!!” stephered putt an colmin fether on panz shoolder. 


[Is OK! worss case senaoaerio we can adop a babychild!!!” Panz siged. 

“Yur rite streph’ he sed evenntally . “lez go to da adotion agentcy rrNoe!!!!1111” Stephered aprecialterfd zzzes zeir egernez to getta babie but he thot that zey wer gettin a bit ahed of zemself. 


“Meybee wee shud juss wate fo a lil bit be4 wee havva kid” steferd sed unsoorley. Pan siged. 


“U new hat i wonted kidz wen U maried me stepherd.” zey sed sadley. Stephred purdsed hes ostrich lipz. He new dat pans wonted kidz but he didnt think so sewn, cuz they just got marr! 


“Nut yt!” Stepheeerrrd sed “im not reddy to bee a daddy!” Pan siged. 


“Finee. Imma go ona wolk.” pan wolked awai. Stepejhurehrjd wuz a sad boi. He wuznt shore that he wood be a gud daddy  ut he wonted to hava babie. Sudnley, he had a stroke. 


Of genius!!!1 “Imma go get 1 of thoes test eggz to C if wood be a gud dadyY!!!1” So e went to da stoor witha bucha egz in it. He wuz so super EGGsited (hehehehhehee) to get a fake babychild! Stepherygerjrd cudnt wate to C panz reacshon! 


Stepeherrd looked @ oll the eggz. “THIS 1 ISPERFICT!!11!!!!1!!!!” he sreemed cuz he seed a GIANT black eg that wuz the coluro of pan’z eyz. The eg olso had bleu spotz thet rimionded stephreds of the tim tha hes momma got mad @ hem an locced hem owt of the howse in the rane for a cuple dayz. 


“PAN!!!11!!!!!@!!1!11!1!!!!11!111” stepehred showted. Pan hoopedd oervr 2 steph. 


“Yea dorlin?” 


“I bot us a test eg 2 C if we be gud parentz!” an pan olmost storted croien bcuz ze wuz so happ. After huggin for a wile, stephed an pan deciosedd to take eg ona wolk. 


“Do we havva storller?/” Pan assed. Steepherd sed “BRB” an then robbed a stroleler stoor cuz he wuz olredy a outlaw so Y not!?/ “Ok imma back” he sed when he wuz done n=ebign a crim ostrich


“Thank honyy” pan sed. Zey ploepped the eg into da stoll an sorted wolken. 


BUt then the eg storted crackalackin!! Oh neoeoeoooooooo! Stepherd bot an actuall eg!!!11


“Ste[phehrord!!!” Pan sed in shocc. Stephed loocced arownd


“Oopsy daisies!” He exclamed. 


Sudly, a lil pteroDACTYL pooped owt of the EG!!1111!!


“PAN!!!!” Stepehrfd screemed “i think imma daddy bai axeindent!!! Now I no how my daddy felt!!” Pan wuz suprized @ 1st but he sewn reliiseed that ze wuz a parent noe an ze had a responsibilititty. 


“I no steph!!1 wut shud we name it!??!” stephred thot fora minit w/ teerz in hes eyz. 


“Pepsicolaspritedewella’ he sed. Pan nodded surly. 


“Pepsi” zey sed. “Welcom to da fam.” 


“Wate do we havva las name pan” stepheerdfdd assed. Pan sook zer hed. 


“Ok less be…….. The panstriches. Sepherd pnstrich an pan panstrich”


“AN pepsicolaspritedewella panstrcicb!!!!” Pan aded. 




“Oh no! Me thinks she be hungry she be!!!! Lez go get som yum yumz!!!!” stepherd sed, rlly takin on the hole daddy thang. 


“Yeh lez go dorlin!” 


@ the rezerant 


“Lez order the lil pterodactyl a soda an a burrito!” Steph sed.

“Canabalasnm!!!!” Pan sed. They lafed.

“ok.” stepherded sed. “Ill ordered U go sit dow” After oreddeding steoherd sa down with hes fam wen he relized somth!


“Pan! My mawma deodnt noo sheza grandmamie!! Oh  NO!” 


“An moi mommas eether!!!” pan sed worriely


“HEy!” steph sed havin anodda stronk of genus. “We shud havva famly renunin!” 


“Grate idie!! I cann invoite my mawmaz an granmawmaz an grate granmawmaz an grate grate granmawmaz!!!” 


“YEA!!11 An then------”




“oop!!!! Bubee neds atentiosn!!!” Stepherd sed. He wuz a lil embarrazz bcuz evry1 @ the restrants wuz starin 


 “Holy shit! Isn’t that the ostrich from the other day!?” Even shouted, pointing his finger for Nicholas to see. 


 “Oh my god, you’re right! What the hell is he doing in a restaurant?” 


 Evan and Nicholas, the security guards, had a long history together. When Evan tried out for Police Academy and met Nicholas, he had known that something was different about him. The same thing, perhaps, that was different about Even himself. Sadly, he had never been able to act on these unspoken whispers. He failed the Academy. Nicholas did not. 


 Years later, Nicholas was wounded in the field. A gang shooting left him and his partner mortally wounded. Nicholas survived. His partner did not. 


 Nicholas found himself in a deep pit of depression and self-loathing. His scars seemed ten thousand times bigger and worse than they actually were, and that was nothing compared to the mental effects of losing his partner and his own job. 


 It was not until Nicholas decided to dig himself back up and apply for a job as the only thing his education would allow him to be: a mall security guard, that he finally felt like himself again. But it was not until he met Evan again that he finally started thinking of himself as truly human once more. The only problem? Evan was married. He had kids. At first, Nicholas didn’t know why he was so bothered by this fact, but it was always in the back of his mind. Always nagging. Always reminding him of the life he could have had


 But now, they were just friends. No, just co-workers. Co-workers going out to dinner at the most romantic restaurant in town. 


 “Good god, we just can’t seem to shake this guy!” Evan said, laughing. Nicholas nodded his head, not really paying attention to the words being spoken, but rather staring into Evan’s sapphire eyes. “Holy shit.” Evan stated, staring back at the ostrich family. “Did the waitress just give them food? I swear to god you and I are the only sane people in this town.” 


 Stepherd was having a nice family dinner up until the point that he took a bite out of his dinner. Enraged by the ‘grotesque’ piquancy, Stepherd Panstrich stormed into the kitchen. 


“SKWAAAAAKK!!!!!” he screeched (roughly translating to “why in the gosh darn world does my meatloaf have bacon in it?! It’s a meatloaf, not a baconloaf!”). In a stumble of blind fury, stepherd shooed away the chef and dumped out a pot filled with simmering rice. Placing the pot back on the stovetop, Stepherd turned the heat up to a maximum and started throwing random spices in. 


 The chef, having had enough of Stepherd’s shenanigans, attempted to push the crazed ostrich out of the way. But Stepherd was not taking any of the Chef’s BS. In a raging fury of feathers and beak, Stepherd grabbed a bottle of vodka. Pouring the strong alcohol over the stovetop, Stepherd started a fire. The kitchen erupted into unfiltered chaos.


 “Ahhh!” A high-pitched woman’s voice screamed from the kitchen. Nicholas flinched. 


 “What’s going on in there?” He asked. Evan put a caring hand on Nicholas’s elbow. 


 “It’s OK. It’ll done now.” Evan said. That is what everyone in the restaurant presumed. They were all wrong. 


 In a blaze of fire and fury (but mainly feathers) a deranged ostrich came zooming out of the seemingly prevalent kitchen, carrying what seemed to be a bottle of alcohol in its beak. A crimson trail of fire followed shortly after. 


Stepherd was running everywhere. People fled the scene as fast as possible, but Evan and Nicholas were stuck in the back booth, hoping, praying for someone to help. The maddening frenzy of people ruching out of the now flaming building was enough to make anyone go insane, but it wasn’t until one of the kitchen staff said the words “gas leak” that Evan and Nicholas truly began to accept their firey fate.


“Nicholas!” Evan shouted, trying to find his friend in the burning rubble. Seeing a hand and grabbing on to it, Evan pulled Nicholas out from under a crushed table. 


“Are we going to die?” He asked. Evan felt soot and smoke and tears stinging his eyes. 


“No.” He said, letting the black tears run down his face. “I can’t let you die, not without telling you…” BOOM


An explosion of fire enveloped the building. 








His ears were ringing. 


That was the first thing Nicholas thought to himself, before he realized the incredible pain he was in. Trying to shake away the awful memories, he opened his eyes. The first thing he noticed was the body on top of him, sheltering him from the harsh world. Evan. He thought, quickly sitting up and laying Evan’s limp body beside him. Please, Evan. Please. He thought, hands racing to find a pulse. 


“Damn it,” he hissed. His hands were shaking. “DAMN IT!” He yelled, temporarily forgetting his own pain. His heart suddenly felt very heavy, and he laid down next to Evan. Rolling over to face his fallen friend, Nicholas started to cry. 


“I’m sorry, Evan.” He said through thick, heavy sobs. “It should have been me,” 


He could hear sirens in the distance. Nicholas couldn’t help but notice how peaceful Evan looked. Like he was sleeping. 


“I’m sorry, Evan, but I can’t let you go to sleep without telling you that I…” He paused. “I love you.” 




 Beep. Beep. Beep. 


 Nicholas sighed. It had been nearly a year since the explosion. Evan had been in a medically induced coma for the entire time. Sharpay, his wife, had filed for a divorce two months in. Nichols was the one paying for Evan’s medical bills. His friends called him insane at first, for paying someone else’s medical bills. But Nicholas didn’t care. That was what you did for people you loved, wasn’t it? It wasn’t a financial issue, anyways. When Nicholas got cleared to leave the hospital and go home, he had found a picnic basket on his doorstep. Two months ago, Nicholas recieved another basket, this time with a note attached. 


Deer Nicc.

Am sorr i injerrd U. moi deepez condoolensez to U an yur fam. 

I hav moovd onto beter thangs in mi loif than stortin firez cuz i don loike food. Me an my spowsz, Pan, hav storted owr bizznezz f sellin makup U mey hav herd of iz colled Wild Beauty. Our dotter pterodactyl Pepsi has just storted prescool an is olredy the smortes kid ever. I hop U undersan ho yur unintensonal sacriface haz helped me a lott. An don worry, yur boyfren (the blonde guy) wil be Ok too cuz imma pay for hes hospitittytal bilz (wel tecknickly u R but i gave U a buncha gold barz whitch shuudve given u a gud moola boozt ifu no wut i meen).


Anywayz, w/ love,

Stepherd Panstrich da Ostrich Hoo Storted a Foire



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