The War Within

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Finding Romance
She showed kindness to the wicked, the lost and forgotten soul. Without realizing she's forgetting the most important question of them all. A curious soul wants nothing but answers for her many questions, but doesn't realize she has her own questions she needs to answer first.

Submitted: October 28, 2019

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Submitted: October 28, 2019

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It has been years since I last looked in the mirror and really truthfully smiled. When you look at me you see this happiness that lurks around me, but is that me, or is that my shadow? You keep asking me what is different about me, why do I see myself as the enemy, why do I hate myself so much? The truth is, you are amazing, and I am the villain. You smile as I cry. I wake up wondering if today is the day, but I cannot seem to ever get myself to do it. I have fallen and I need some help. I am alone, but I need a hand. 

You always run away from the dark, afraid what will grab your hand from within, but have you tried embracing it? I remember looking at you years ago when I thought you were the happiest person alive, lived your life one smile at a time, but how much of it was true? I remember your hair flowing in the wind, carelessly. Smile that lifted the spirits of anyone who saw it, but you weren't smiling for yourself were you? You ask me why am I fake to others, and hide my true self. You ask all the questions I am afraid to face alone, I don’t want to face the truth, lying to myself is easier than whispering the truth to you because I'm afraid of your reaction. Well you won’t see this, so I guess I can tell you here. I am damaged; I have fallen; I have lost myself; the path is no longer clear and I cannot find my way out; I need help. 

You have so many questions, and let me be honest I will tell you why I cannot show the real me to anyone. Because when I wake up, I fear what I see in the mirror. The guy who looks back at me, is the same one who has walked through the fire and came out without a scratch. It has been years since I watched my best friend leave me, but that has always stayed within me. There have been many times when I thought today is my last day, today is the day. But when I thought it is over for me, a mysterious hand saved me. It gave me life, a purpose, hope and love. I left my guard down, and again something I loved; someone I was close with perished right before my feet ripping the last shred of human in me. That is when I accepted hatred over love; fear over hope; sadness over happiness. After that I threw away every little thing I was given by the stranger away; and I was molded into the enemy I see myself as every day.  

I wake up every day asking myself why not me? I have been ungrateful, I have been alone my whole life, and yet every time I get close to someone, they get hurt. It is my fault. The war within me will never die. When I see you aren’t smiling, I know deep down in my heart I will do everything I can to make sure you do every day. Seeing you cry, hearing your sadness in your voice breaks me piece by piece. When I looked up today into the stars, I swear I saw your eyes, shining back at me telling me it will be alright, but will it? I am alone, if I am afraid to get close to people, because when I do others get hurt. Some say it is because I am afraid to get hurt, but my heart has been ripped out of my chest so long ago, that I have nothing left any more. I saw your smile today, beautiful pink lipstick, maroon eye shadow to show the world you are a goddess without anyone ever knowing. The smile may be of an angel, but the smile is of a devil. I have walked through the fire enough times to know who is hurt, and who isn’t.  

I promise you, there is not a day I won’t wake up and think about how to make you smile first. You have the sweetest heart I have seen in a life time. No matter how much you are hurt, no matter how much someone pushes you down to your knees you always stand up and keep fighting for others. But tell me love; who is fighting for you? For your happiness?  

You ask me so many questions, and I want to answer these and more for you! I love sharing with you, showing you the real me, no bullshit, no lies, just you and I. But let me ask you something now. What is stopping you from loving yourself? Why show everyone else how much you love them, but never yourself? Answer that one for me. I am not saying respond now, I am not saying respond to me at all. Just be honest with yourself, and think about what exactly is stopping you from loving your own eyes, your mind, your body? Think about that the next time you want to show someone your true emotions, show yourself some first. 

I hope some of your questions have been answered about why I see myself as the villain with the horns. Because I don’t want to hurt you with the same horns that protect me. I am afraid to get close to you because you are too beautiful to get hurt by anyone else. The war within me will not stop, not anytime soon. Everything I have ever told you has been the truth. All the comments, remarks, and promises are not just promises. I will prove it to you with my actions, because actions speak louder than words. One smile at a time, we will continue writing your story. This is not the end, it is just a dark chapter, you just need someone to guide you through the darkness. I am not a hero; I am not an angel. I just have been through that same path so much that the fire cannot burn me anymore, and I will carry you until the end. I will watch you smile even if I am alone doing it, I will show you the beauty in the world. The same beauty that I see in your eyes. The same sparkle that reminds me of you when I look up at the sky full of stars. 


© Copyright 2020 Patrick Walters. All rights reserved.

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