My neighbor killed his wife

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
He wanted to just drink a beer but his neighbor had other sinister plans, or so he thought.

Submitted: November 03, 2019

A A A | A A A

Submitted: November 03, 2019



As I sat there on the lowered tailgate of my old beat up pickup truck staring in my neighbor's direction watching the leaves sway in the small breeze, I couldn't help but wonder what the fuck he was doing? Even though I have lived beside him for many years we had very rarely even spoken. I instantly knew that he was a fucking weirdo the very first time I met him and tried to make it a point to keep away from him.

But today, as I'm sitting there drinking a beer and listening to lynards skinnards, this guy comes out of his house dragging something huge across his porch. It looked like black trash bags wrapped around some poor dead sumbitch with duct tape all around it. You know, the same shit you see on TV that people wrap bodies in right before they stick them in their trunk to take them to dump them into the river.

So I'm thinking fuck yeah, bout damn time! I bet this dumb motherfucker done hit his wife in the head with something and is now trying to keep his nuts in his sack getting her dead corpse to his truck.

Not being one to give a shit about either one of them, I reached over and grabbed another beer, popped it open and watched the entertainment. This could turn out to be one of the greatest days of my life. I mean, I couldn't stand that women. She was always bitching about something.

"Your dog shit in my yard," "your music is too loud," "put your clothes back on, stop shaking that tiny thing at me you drunk bastard," she'd always say. Anyways, she was a bitch! Always on the warpath about anything she could be and he was to stupid to not get caught with this shit. So I'm thinking kill two birds with one stone right? She's dead and he will be going away for a while. No more cops getting called on me. Hell yeah!

As I'm sitting there staring at this rich dickhead dragging this massive heap across his porch and down the steps, he looks up at me. So me being the nice neighbor I am, I give him a thumbs up.

"Fuck yeah, good job buddy!" I yelled across to him.

I don't know why but as I yelled I held a can of beer up in the air. Maybe as a solute? Hell I don't know, but it was stupid because what does a man do when he sees a beer held up towards him? He instantly wants that beer and will come get it and apparently it even works when you are dragging big dumb carcasses around your yard because he instantly stops tugging on it and starts walking towards me.

"Oh shit! This dumb motherfucker is walking over here!" I said wondering if I should just sit there or run. I mean he did just kill someone and now I'm a witness and all.

So at this point I know he has to be completely retarded like I had always thought. There he is trying to drag his wife's huge dead corps off somewhere and then he just stops. He leaves her right out on his porch for the world to see and walks over to take a break, like he's on lunch on something. This guy must be completely off his rockers.

"Hey man, you finally did it huh?" I said nervously. "Here drink this, you deserve this shit," I told him, my hand shaking as I'm handing him a beer.

"Yeah I finally did it, I just couldn't take it anymore, you know?"

"Shit man, I don't blame you one bit. I don't know how you put up with the shit as long as you did," I say.

"It wasn't easy! She was constantly bitching and I knew it would never stop until I did it. I've butbeen trying to bring myself to do it, but I knew I just couldn't. I knew no one would want to help me and with my bad back I didn't figure I could ever drag'er out of there by myself" He said.

"I hear ya man. Sometimes it's just easier to live with the bullshit." I told him, now getting even more nervous over just how cool he seemed to be with just killing his wife.

"Hey, I'll tell you what, if you come over here and help me load'er in my truck I'll give ya $50." He says.

"What? You want me to help you?" Man I don't really want to get involved in that shit, I mean, that's all on you dude."

"Come on, it's just 20 foot. It won't take 5 minutes and I already know you aren't busy right now. How often are you ever going to have the chance to make $50 in 5 minutes?" He asked.

"listen man, I don't want to get caught having anything to do with that shit." I say, looking all around me making sure nobody sees him standing here talking to me.

"Come on, I already drug'er that far and I really can't just leave'er sitting on the porch steps" He says, almost begging.

"If I come over there you have to promise not to tell anyone. I mean, I don't want anyone to know that I was anywhere around you and if I help you I'll need some gloves. I don't want to touch anything over there without gloves on."

He looked like he was getting angry with me, as if I had insulted him somehow. I knew that this was probably not the man that I wanted angry with me at this point in his life and I really could use $50. Plus I wasn't the one that killed her, hell I didn't even know she was dead until he was packing her out of the house already.

"Fuck it man, I'll come help ya but if someone starts coming I'm out." I tell him.

He started mumbling something as he turned to walk back across the road but I couldn't understand his stupid ass, looking even more pissed now then he did just a second ago.

"This dude is fucking nuts! How is he gonna get mad at me because I don't want anyone to know that I was over there hanging out with him today? Let alone the fact that I helped him carry his dead wife across the yard to stick her in the bed of his fucking truck?" 

I almost turned back around as I got about middle ways across the highway but I didn't. I started gagging when i got up to the big duct taped bag. Hey, don't judge me, there was a dead body in there! That shit is nasty.

"Dude, this is going to be heavy. Why don't you just back your car up to the steps," I asked him.

"Because I don't want to drive through the yard putting tracks in it." He says, still looking aggravated at me as he throws a pair of brand new leather gloves my way.

"That kinda does make sense," I told myself. "If the cops show up and them fuckers see the tracks, they will take copies of them and send them off to be analyzed by MCIS or some shit.

"Damn, smart thinking man! See that's why I don't go around killing people. I'd leave tracks and they would catch me cause I would've never thought of that." I tell him with a nervous laugh.

"Come on just grab that end and let's get'er over there to the truck and this over with." He said with aggravation in his voice.

I grab the small end because If I had to carry her then he was getting the heavy part. After all, he was the dumbass that killed her, not me.

So I grab the small end and we start waddling across the yard with her big heavy ass. As we are almost to the truck with her I hear a vehicle coming down the highway. It was just way too quiet for any vehicle in these parts so I knew it had to be a cop or something. So, I instantly dropped her and took off running around the back of the house.

"Now what the fuck are you doing?" He yells.

"Shh, you better not tell them I'm back here." I yelled back, waving my arm at him to turn around and shut the hell up.

A couple seconds later the car drives by. It wasn't a cop. I walk back out from around the house and go to grab the body again.

"What the fuck is wrong with you man?" He asks me.

"Just hurry the hell up and get it in there before someone else comes and sees me with you." I tell him.

Finally we get the body in his truck and he shuts the tailgate.

"Alright man, I would hang out and chat but, well you know, I just don't want to be seen over here with you. Just give me my money so I can get out of here." I tell him.

He reaches in his back pocket, pulls out his billfold and hands me a fifty. I look all around to make sure nobody was watching and run back across the road without saying another word to him. I jump back up on my tailgate and go to grab a beer. That's when I realized that I am still wearing his gloves.

"Fuck! fuck! fuck! I gotta get rid of these. They could lead back to me doing that shit somehow. Fuck! What do I do?"

There was only one way to get rid of this evidence, I'd burn it. I jump down and walk around the truck, grab the weed eater gas can out of the bed and throw the gloves down in the yard. I pour gas all over them sumbitches and set them on fire. As black smoke is pouring out of the flames into the sky this crazy neighbor dude backs out of his driveway and leaves.

"Well thank god that's over with." I tell myself. "The gloves is gone and the body is gone and nobody seen us so now I don't have anything to worry about."

About a minute later, as I'm still sitting there watching the flames burn down and I'm trying to calm down, my neighbor pulls into my driveway. He hadn't been gone but a minute so I know she is still in there.

"What the fuck is your problem? Get out of here! You can't just be pulling into my driveway like this with that shit in the bed of your truck?" I tell him.

Now my nerves are shot again. It's obvious that this guy is definitely going to get caught.

"What? Dude just give me my gloves?" He says.

"Hell, I burnt them. Well burning them right now actually. Why are you even here? You have to get out of here man!" I say, now a nervous wreck.

"You burnt my fucking gloves? Damnit! Why would you do that? I just paid $20 for them! What in the actual fuck is wrong with you? Are you retarded?" He asks

"Dude, are you retarded? It's not very smart to keep anything like that. You need to burn the ones you were wearing too. Give em here, I'll burn them sumbitches for ya." I say.

He starts shaking his head at me, mumbles something about people being stupid anymore, backs out of my driveway and drives off.

So as I'm watching him drive away I noticed something very odd. His wife is standing on the porch, the same dead woman in a bag that I just helped him put into his truck.

Well shit, now she is standing on her porch staring at me like she's about to call the law on me again. I know that stupid ass look.

"What the fuck? If that bitch is still standing there then who the hell is in the truck then? Oh shit, that's got to be a fucking ghost! This dude done got us both haunted!"

I slowly start walking back across the street towards her. If anyone would have seen me they would've thought I had tourettes with as many times as I stopped, turned around, cussed and then started walking towards her again. I didn't want to go anywhere close to her but now I have to know what the hell is going on. I think the beer must have helped because I hadn't ever seen a ghost before and damn sure would have never went to talk to one sober.

"How are you here, ain't the devil looking for your ass now. You better get your ass on down there?" I tell the ghost.

"What do you mean how am I here? I fucking live her you stupid son of a bitch! What the hell are you even doing in my yard? Get out of here before I call the cops!" She says.

"I just put you in the back of a truck, your ass is on your way to sink in the river right now."

"What are you talking about stupid?" she asks. "I'm standing right here."

"I can see that but your not real, you should go towards the light! You are dead! Now get your ass down there where u belong!"

"What do you mean I'm dead, are you threatening me? Get the hell out of my yard!" She says, picking up a flower pot narrowly missing me.

"Listen you crazy bitch! We just packed your body out of here and put in the back of his truck. He is driving you down the road right now to dump your dumb hateful ass out in the river, probably."

"You mean that great big bag of drywall and insulation that he just drug out of here that he's taking to the landfill?" She asks.

Suddenly it all made sense to me. No wonder he was acting like I was insulting him that whole time.

The court said I can't go around them anymore and I owe him a pair of gloves.

© Copyright 2020 MrDurham. All rights reserved.

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