a divorced man’s guide to a new and happy life

Reads: 125  | Likes: 0  | Shelves: 0  | Comments: 0

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Reddit
  • Pinterest
  • Invite

More Details
Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

Submitted: November 17, 2019

A A A | A A A

Submitted: November 17, 2019

A A A

A A A


A Divorced Man’s Guide to a new and Happy Life The Beginning Why did I feel so bloody happy with life? Near 60, near broke, no job but NO WIFE! Seated on Emirates Flight # EK332 from Dubai to Manila, I hugged my second rum and coke and contemplated my situation. Just 2 weeks ago, I had returned from a 4 week consulting assignment in Riyadh in Saudi to my very nice modern flat in Dubai, lovingly furnished in minimalist style with the assistance of Ikea. My first inkling that something was amiss was when the ATM indicated insufficient funds in my overseas account #1. My premonition of worse news to follow was confirmed positively when the card for my alternate overseas account was simply gobbled up by that malicious and unforgiving machine. Shortly after entering my home and comfortably settled in my DIY chair, the door bell rang to expose two serious Arab gentlemen who handed me an express document from Canada. I was shocked and stunned by its message. I was officially divorced as 6 months had expired since the court hearing. What court hearing? In my absence, having been declared missing in Saudi, a divorce had been granted and the settlement was 100% in favour of my now ex spouse since I had failed to show for the hearing or submit any documents. Though in fact it was slightly more than 100% as that malevolent lawyer sent me his bill. I felt a tad depressed, not because of the actual divorce but by the fact that for the last 6 months I had been dutifully sending money to maintain the loving matrimonial home. In fact, at my spouse’s request I had sent an extra month’s in advance as she would be away for a short holiday! Within 24 hours, I put a plan into action. Escape! I emptied my local, meagre bank account, dropped off my flat keys in the after- hours box ( 6 months rent imminent), gave the rental car a similar treatment and bought a 1 way ticket to Manila. I figured I could survive OK for about 4 months on the island of Cebu in a smaller village, having visited there the previous year. My total possessions put no strain on the 25 kg baggage limit. But why this glow of happiness? After 34 years, of which all but 2, were stressful and heart attack inducing, I was FREE! Was it worth the price of perhaps $250,000 .Yes, Yes, Yes! Grieving Period Over So for 4 months, I lived an idyllic life by the sea. I enjoyed the company of other foreigners, retired or hiding, dining in a little café and imbibing on ridiculously cheap beer and rum. But of course the money was running out . So, off home to Australia just as I celebrated my 60th birthday. Maybe I could get a job? Meantime I would qualify for Unemployment Benefits if I attended a course on how to get a job. I was to learn for my fellow mature-aged unemployed beneficiaries, there was a plethora of avoid work programs available. I met up with some old pre-divorce acquaintances. It seems that some married ladies take it as an affront and down right threatening that a single divorced man can exhibit an advanced degree of happiness. This lead to me being cajoled to attending the Thursday night meat market at the Sheraton. Here, divorcees sit in groups at tables granting audiences to single men. They appeared to be a homogenous group, age 50+, tending to have a weight problem, rainbow coloured hair does, willing to accept expensive cocktails in order to reward the lucky suitor with a list of what they expected from the next hubby. Back to Philippines I felt that black cloud descending. So, new plans. A true Canadian friend told me that I might qualify for a Canadian part pension at age 60. Eureka! It was indeed so. But, just $300 or so monthly. Quick as a flash, I bought a ticket to Manila. A fairly attractive lady at Immigration asked me the qualifying questions. “Are you merit sir? Oh , where you staying tonite? I get off duty at 7pm.” Later I was to take the unusual step of wearing a wedding ring. Off to Cebu Province once more, where I became a more attractive target to the vast array of nubile ladies. Tending to avoid the bars and stripclubs, I chose ICQ and Yahoo messenger as the fertile field for available dates, dropping my age a decade and similarly with the picture I adopted. My first date was with a 35 year old who declined to show her picture. (This is a vital clue!). So I arranged to meet her outside Cebu Metropolitan Cathedral. I felt this venue would inspire some trust however misguided. So, with freshly dyed Dark Chocolate hair, courtesy of Oral, I took a taxi and unlit opposite the Cathedral to select a good vantage point to get a preview of the girl of my dreams. Some quite presentable ladies arrived to enter the Cathedral but none solo. Then an apparition had me wipe my bifocals. It just could not be. As she got closer with a rainbow hair style ( not listed as an Oreal product), she was waddling uncomfortably on high heels. With the range dropping , I estimated 4ft6ins , both vertically and horizontally. Age? 55 would be too kind. Now being the gentleman I am, I did not wish to leave her out in the hot Cebu sun. I got her cell number and called. This would also be a test to confirm my worst fears. Yes I saw her answer her phone. “ So sorry, emergency, I have been called to work. Another time?” She gave an angry response in Cebuana and stomped off as fast and as furiously as her 4 inch stilettos could handle. My Second Date I mentioned my predicament to an American resident who enlisted the aid of his local wife. And so to my next prospect. A dinner was arranged at the Marriott where I would meet a 42 year old cardiologist.Her appearance was fine, well dressed, slightly chubby but am I a beggar or not? I was asked to provide a post-mortem after dinner. She did nothing for my heart or any other organ. I was berated as exceedingly stupid . She had a lovely house on the mountain, a Volvo car with driver and I would not have to work . My duties were to accomplish the lady to conferences etc as a handbag. I doubt there was even a stud service required. My American friend suggested I would be free to have girlfriends. Number Three Having lost my virginity to the dating game, I pressed on. My next “girl of my dreams” was in Davao, a 22 year old attached to a prestigious High School. So off I went on a 45 minute flight south to the lovely city and esconced in the best hotel, the Marco Polo, no dive. I texted my hopeful and invited her to meet me. The bell rang. Before me was a young girl in High School uniform. Sweating, I asked her did anybody see you in the Lobby? “Just reception where I asked your room #” “How old are you really?” “18”.As I am not that precise in judging ages that junior to me. I gave her the benefit of the doubt. I had to visit the toilet and when I returned she was under the covers with her High School uniform on the chair. Discretion and good judgement left me. I got in beside the naked damsel driven by near a half year of celibacy. I pulled down the covers to display a sexy young body with a chain around her midriff. Attached to the chain was a crucifix which discretely lay over her desirable private part. “What the hell?” “Mama said Jesus would protect me!” And it came to pass Jesus did. A sudden attack of ED ensured I just could not nail any other in that area. Disappointed, she went to the bathroom. I bolted for her little purse and there it was , her School ID. Yes, just 15 years of age. Thank you Jesus.

Number 4 My next “girl of my dreams” was not discovered on Yahoo Messenger but in person. She was the attendant at the little Internet Café I frequented. Cute , personable, lovely dark eyes. I was hooked. I invited her to a gourmet dinner at Jollibee (Philippine’s answer to McDonalds).She countered with a superior offer. I should go to her home. A short tricycle ride took us to their little home to be met by her mother a lady in her forties. After introductions , my lovely prospect excused her self as she needed to go to the supermarket but I should just relax with her mom. Quick as a flash Momma was sitting on couch beside me. She wasted no time giving me a full-on lip to lipper. She explained her bana was working overseas. I realised her cute daughter was the bait to acquire partners for her Mom. For first time in my life, I resisted a lady’s advances the best I could. The lady tried! I was saved by the return of her cute daughter who obviously knew the score and was I think surprised I was not in bed with her Mom.

Off to the People’s Republic of China In telephone conversations with my Mom back in Scotland, she encouraged me to take up work. I heard I could get a job teaching in China and in short notice I had an offer and flew the short trip To Xiamen in Fijian province. I became engrossed in teaching Management subjects to a TAFE Australia curriculum. While the salary was miserable ($800USD a month) I had no outgoings and actually had most of the money left over each month. But! The bonus. My classes were composed of about 75% girls , aged 19-21. I vowed not to touch them as most unprofessional but I did become friendly with a slim student studying English. She would come to my villa (Yes I had 4 bedroom place by the sea) and she requested to use my washing machines. I gave hera spare key. Well romance ensued. One afternoon I went home to find her under the doona on my large bed. Finally my days of celibacy were over. But oh not the perfect event. My young virginal friend was a bleeder and after coitus she bled and bled and bled. I wrapped a towel around her and dropped her by taxi at the nearest hospital stuffing a few hundred Yuan in her purse .I waited in a very nervous state for the Public Security or College admin to contact me. It was near the end of the semester and I simply snuck away back to the safety of the Philippines. Hope Springs Eternal I had remained in contact with people in Dubai and a Resort Chain asked my help in recruiting Filipino workers. I would be paid a fee per successful hire. I ran an advertisement and was inundated with applicants. They were queuing from early morning outside my rented space. Many were young single mothers but when I told one applicant that she had no experience. She was offended replying “Sir I am a good girl!”. But one lovely 20 year old intrigued me. She had a degree but no work experience. I advised her she was far too overqualified to be a waitress but she insisted she needed a job being the eldest of 5 sisters. When I probed what she would do if money was not the problem, she described two business ideas in her home town, some 100km north of the city. I was interested and I told her I would go back with her to her home town on the weekend. She doubted my veracity. But I did take a 4 hour trip on the “shaker” over the mountains on the weekend and settled into an inexpensive resort. Her idea made good commercial sense and I calculated I could provide sufficient capital (not much!) to get it going. She would run the business as 50:50 partners. Now she said I should meet her family and I concurred. In the evening a boat man took me a short trip down the coast where I could see coloured lights like a used car lot and hear very loud music. This was my welcoming party. Lots of food including a pig on a spit. Lots of alcohol. Later I was to discover in usual Filipino fashion, the “rich” foreigner was expected to foot the bill! My partner’s father, who had surprisingly good English, invited me to go for a walk along the beach to “talk”. I agreed. He thanked me and explained that he was a poor fisherman with five daughters and how happy he was that I was going to marry his eldest. Shocked and stunned yet again. When I explained that we were just business partners his head drooped and he was close to tears. What could I say? I said “OK I will take the 2 eldest girls.” He was ecstatic and pumped my hand . When he calmed down I explained that this was indeed a poor attempt at humour but I would ask the eldest as surely she should have some say?

We were married 21 days later. The business thrives in its 16th year and we have a brilliant 8 year old son. Yes, divorcees , you can most assuredly discover an exciting and new life.


© Copyright 2020 Forby. All rights reserved.

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Reddit
  • Pinterest
  • Invite

Add Your Comments: