Blank Slate

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic
Just writing one day lost in my thoughts.

Submitted: November 26, 2019

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Submitted: November 26, 2019

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It was a blank slate.
Though the slate could never be blank, the past and the future was something that I could never erase. The present, I could if I was the type to go Cobain. Lately when I rose from bed, it was has if it was a ghost rising from their grave. There was no Zydrate, there was no special drug that could be injected into my anatomy. No, there was only the constant supply of Dunkin Donuts and frozen pizza. I realized growing older, we were all fighting these various battles that hit each other closer to home than we'd ever fail to admit. I wanted the tree to grow, but I forgot that I had to nurture it and it would take time. Instead I wanted that tree to grow now, but then it would just wither and die. It was like a fruitful relationship, if I exhibited all the feelings I wanted then it would just feel like it was meaningful. I can't say everything perfect, nor can we exactly agree or get along on everything,

Then I plant the tree, but except I forget where I was putting it and then now there it stands, engulfed in flames in the Califnoria wild fires. So then I just pick up the ashes, sifting through them in my hand and a strong gust of wind blows by, scattering them far away from me. I wanted to swear, but I figure it's all just bad luck.

That night I lay in bed, letting my eyes close and I feel the dreams beginning to enter my brains but somewhere they get swarmed with nightmares. I see grotesque monstrosities, of all shapes and sizes that I am not able to describe in ways that truly explains their form. Then I saw simple things, the faces of people, other monsters ones that I had encountered on this realm of existence here on Earth. I wake up constantly sweating, feeling my heart beating like crazy within my chest.

Then there they are, the ones I love sleeping soundly in the halls beneath my own room. I tip toe, though it is more like I do my best to be quiet with my loud feet. I pause for a second, wondering what their dreams are like, if they feel the parallels that I do within myself. There is all that horror, and then unraveling the fear I see the beauty, the madness that is called being alive. There are many that aren't here anymore, their souls gone to wherever souls go after the human shell fades. I'd like to think that we get reincarnated, it gives me some false belief that if I do good actions maybe I'll end up coming back in the form of a panda or tiger. Knowing me, they'd probably make me come back in the guise of a angler fish or something. Stuck in the deep abyss, but a light in the dark in my own retrospect.

Lately it is like a mechanic working on his dream car, my mind and head space being the dream car and the way I live being how I work on the car. I keep going out and partying, I constantly find myself having to make sure the car needs an oil change and new brakes. The brakes are corroded, the transmission is shot but yet somehow I still find the bad boy purring up when I put the key in the ignition. I am fortunate that the stars haven't taken me yet, for I do feel like I have so much more to share with you and my friends.

One day when I was eighteen, I was having the worst relationship problems with a girl I really loved. It's crazy how certain things can be the worst catalyst in our days, but they can shift so much over time. Now that same girl, I could hardly care if I ever saw her face or even spent the time thinking about her like now. That day though it was pitiful, we were ice fishing me and my friends family. Well they were ice fishing, I literally was just laying on the ice for hours just staring up at the sky, wondering why it had to be so cold sometimes. I wanted to hate myself, then I remembered that was the first step to where people lost themselves and let the darkness in.

If you have never made a mistake, never thought about your life in reflection and wanted to change, then you are not aiming to go even further. You can settle for what it is now, but in the back of your mind you know you are unhappy. It doesn't all have to be done in a single day, that's not how Rome was built. If you just take your time, slowly work on finding that equilibrium I believe we all have the power to be something more, if we just find it in time. That's the crazy thing about time, how we can have so much and so little at all..


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