Falling through the cracks

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My goal is to reach out to anyone and not only, “set my mind free,” but maybe help someone somewhere in the world do the same and understand that, “we are not alone.”

Submitted: December 02, 2019

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Submitted: December 02, 2019

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Falling Through the cracks..

 

“The incredible true story  of a Mr.Anonymous....”

 

 

 

I hope you can lend me a moment of your valuable time. I assure you that you will probably not want to stop reading. 

 

I must warn you of contents of adult nature: “Recounting my painful past.”

 

We are all a collection of experiences, and we learn from these experiences; whether “Good or bad.” 

 

I will give you some insight and perspective of a an, “anonymous Joe, “Falling through the cracks. 

 

I will vicariously take you on; “One hell of a Journey.”

 

My goal is to reach out to anyone and not only, “set my mind free,” but maybe help someone somewhere in the world do the same and understand that, “we are not alone.”

 

There are 7 billion people on this planet, therefore someone somewhere out there, is and understands what we have experienced. It never ends, unless we put an end to it.”

 

It’s not easy talking about your,  “Deepest darkest secrets,” because we never really intend on ever sharing them.

 

Sharing some of your inner thoughts is a big deal for anyone, let alone someone battling mental health issues, we lock it up and never speak of it.

 

It’s not like I’m introducing myself; “Hi, I’m Mr. Anonymous and I am bi-polar, depressed, have PTSD and major anxiety, how are you doing today!? They would be running by the time we had a chance to finish. 

 

We don’t show how we feel and we sometimes put up a facade to get through simple tasks i.e. getting groceries, gas, a haircut or anything having to do with being social. It’s a feeling of disparity and hopelessness.

 

It’s no easy feat for anyone to recollect and address their underlying issues, especially when sharing it out in the open and with the world. 

 

I went and sought out help and saw a psychiatrist in 2005.  I was in my second year at a major movie studio. 

 

My psychiatrist was in the upper echelon of Psychiatry and was located in Beverly Hills. 

 

My very first visit, I told him my story and didn’t hold back. I have been through the ringer. This was was my chance to fight for me and get the help I needed. I basically dropped a bomb on him and I explained what was holding me back, and what I’m dealing with etc. He was quite shocked and in awe. In a nutshell, he basically was surprised that I was still alive to tell the tale. 

 

Anyhow, after the long (what seemed like a lifetime) appointment, he diagnosed me with ‘only’ some of the following: 

 

MDD: “Major Depresssive Disorder.” 

GAD: “General Anxiety Disorder,” 

Severe bi-polar disorder. 

PTSD: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. 

ADHD: Adult Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. 

 

I have been battling mental health since 2005 and currently going on 14 years of instability and relapses with drugs and medication.

 

I will convey my story as best I can and for my safety; I will do this, “ANONYMOUSLY.”

 

It is in my best interests to not reveal my identity or any parties involved. My intentions are not to implicate anyone, and for my protection. 

 

I am hopeful this will be healing for you, and for me. It may not be identical to my journey but one can relate in many ways. 

 

I know sometimes we question ourselves in one way or another, you know..That ‘feeling of’ “I’m the only one,” or that “Your the only one,” or the feeling of “hopelessness,” Sometimes it gets to the point where we can’t talk to a soul.

 

Having a support system is what we all need and is good for the soul.

 

 If we stick to our path to healing and talk about what’s holding us back the rewards are endless and you see a light at the end of the tunnel. We get closer and closer each and every day. We fight and fight until we get out of that ‘dark underground tunnel.’ Once out, life is full of love and light.

 

Your heart is full and your dark shadows are cast away and you are now emitting an incandescent light. 

 

Your soul smiles at the world with wise and beautiful eyes. Life is wonderful. 

 

You are now excited for what each day holds and continues to fill your everlasting cup, you can gaze upon the world and smile, you become “you” again.”

 

This is all possible once one begins to understand that we are not broken and we can all heal.

 

There is a greater purpose in this wonderful journey, ‘we call life,’ To serve one another and to flourish together. 

 

We do have a destiny, wether it be from inception of life until your last dying breath. 

 

We as human beings are simply destined to flourish and better ourselves each and every waking day and to have a world full of peace and a sense of togetherness. 

 

Although our  times are different, we are still one people, one planet. 

 

We need appreciate the moment and enjoy the little things. Slow our lives down and take time for ‘you’ in everyday life wether it’s 1 minute or 1 hour. 

 

I am trying to practice what I preach but held back currently. My karma has caught up to me for all the bad choices I made. Think whatever you do to someone, would you wish that upon yourself? I have to live with these choices I made or didn’t make.

 

I have started from the bottom to the top. I didn’t  have a support system or have family support in my childhood because of a broken household and an “always on the go” life. 

 

I hope my story will give you some insight of what any person can go through and, “the roller coaster of a journey life can take you.”

 

Anyone can go through a terrible experience, we are human, we have them. It’s part of the journey in this crazy world we live in and, “shit happens.”

 

This journey we are all on helps “YOU” better understand “YOU” or anyone battling mental health issues, emotional issues, traumatic experiences, stress, anxiety, PTSD or anything that holds us back from, “living the life we all deserve.” 

 

With hard-work and dedication, we can truly conquer anything. We just need put our minds to it as, “cliche” and as simple as that sounds. 

 

If we visualize what we want and if  we want it bad enough, we attract it and our inner Genie, and our wish is granted. Physics play a major role, in that of the  “laws of attraction.” 

 

Sometimes we are not so lucky and left hopelessly consumed to our past experiences and attract the misery that loves our company and that misery feeds on our vulnerabilities rendering you hopeless and helpless.

 

This can exacerbate and trigger an unstable imbalance. Your perception is altered etc. There are many variables that contribute to why we are the way we are and feel the way we feel, there are many forms of disorders or any condition. 

 

Sometimes we feel it’s nearly impossible to overcome what we go through and it’s ok, we all have obstacles we want to tackle, and it’s normal, it thickens your skin. 

 

We can overcome anything. 

 

I am a voice and hope to advocate “mental health awareness” One story at a time. 

 

We can all come together and any ‘one person’ can make a difference, we see it everyday and miracles do happen. 

 

Spreading the word gives us infinite power to achieve our goal “battling mental health,” It brings awareness and creates a support system and resources become available and before you know it, you have a foundation. 

 

This is my DESTINY. Although I had many dreams, we all have our end destination...Our....., ‘YOU time.’

There’s a reason why we call it retirement. Why does one have to wait to be 65? Why not be retired on ‘your terms.’

 

We all have a choice ‘every day,’ it’s the choices we make and the places we go, and the directions we take on our “roadmap to life.” 

 

If we don’t talk about it, how can we heal? How do you take that next step? How do you get clean? How do we feel that normalcy again?  You feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders. 

 

We all or some have secrets that we never tell, or can’t talk about . We are fearful of how to go about it or don’t know how to communicate it. 

 

Sometimes we feel ashamed to speak out or have severe anxiety that can literally stop you ‘dead in your tracks’ and stop you from what you truly want to do, and daily simple tasks feel monumental. 

 

The mind is a such a powerful force and capable of making your dreams a reality. Always, “follow your dreams.”

 

I find it’s a long road to break down those walls and barriers but it doesn’t have to be so difficult. 

 

We are all capable. By simply talking about it is our most powerful gift during the healing process. I’ll say it again, “Speaking up” is our most valuable and powerful tool. 

 

I believe and have a pretty good grasp on “MY” mental health, it’s not rocket science, after you read my story. 

 

Shits about to, “GET REAL.” 

 

My childhood was intense. I was born in Chicago in 1983. 

 

My mother was pregnant at the time and I was about 2-years-old and I had an older brother, 3-years-old. 

 

My Father was incarcerated during that period after beating up his Superior in the Army. 

 

He ran away and escaped the army by literally going AWOL.

 

My Mom and Dad packed up and moved to Los Angeles in 1985. I was now 3-years-old. 

 

My father wanted to be in Hollywood and work in the movie industry and my Mom in local media. They both followed through with their dreams, they did what they loved.

 

 They were both, “the best at it.” He was a stunt man, a Key Grip, Actor and producer. He did it all in the 80’s and early 90’s during the “golden era” of action films. 

 

He was also a rock climber, Sky diver, helicopter pilot; Taking life to its full adrenal limits. He was a mans man. 

 

He was intelligent but also obtuse and very wild and one daring MF! 

 

An individual, caught up in plots, schemes, and whatever diabolical scheme he could muster up. The type of man that walked into a Porsche dealership and asked a salesman to match his yellow skis type shit. He would pay cash for cars and live the rockstar life. He surfed, skii’ed and skydived in the same day, he was very “007’ish.

 

My Dad did have some underlying anger issues and was never around during our childhood due to a divorce. I always say, “Marriage is the leading cause of divorce.” Had  to drop a funny. I was 5-years-old at the time.

 

I can remember around 1990 living with my Mom, as I was now 7-years-old, a lil tyke. I will say that she did try to raise us all and was super cool at times and let us have free reign. She also had mood swings, went out a lot, enjoyed party life, etc. until I was about 9-13-years-old.

 

My Mom was married 4 times. Didn’t like the first because he hit my brother and I quite often. I felt like I was in that film, “Radio Flyer.” I was basically abused on a regular basis and I got the brunt of it since I was, “small fry Ry.” We really never said anything and didn’t know to address it, We were living in a state of fear, they say, “Those who live in fear, is a life half lived.”

 

I can’t remember much but during that period in my life, I get weird absolutely horrific flashbacks of sexual abuse and having to put my mouth on a grown mans penis with my pants down, and I was sexually assaulted routinely. 

 

I have never spoken about this until this very moment. I’m kind of glad it’s a little foggy and can’t quite make out details. it sadly happened on a regular basis, I just know because when you know..you know. 

 

This was in Los angeles, which at that time, in the early 90’s we’re pretty “rough and tough.” It was a dangerous time; Northridge earthquakes, LA riots, gangs, prostitutes, drugs, etc. 

 

I remember running around town with a samurai sword during the riots, with that said - Being supervised went “right out the door.” I could have been seriously injured, kidnapped or even killed. 

 

Never have having been supervised exposed my brother and I and left us vulnerable to the world and carte Blanche to roam the town freely. 

 

We did have fun and experience a cool childhood. We played a lot of Basketball and it was our escape to life. The USA Dreamteam was our Marvel Universe. 

 

In elementary school we would get a crazy 20.00 each day a piece for lunch money, we were spoiled and didn’t teach us the ‘value of the dollar’ I was a, “little rascal.” I bought a lot of video games, skateboards, bikes, with saved lunch money and spoiled my friends with candy, toys, etc. play ball and play video games and be mischievous. Always had my Jordan’s, every colorway. 

 

I was a lil baller and loved buying ‘candy grams’ (ridiculous live notes with candy send via around school) and flowers and basically liked a lot of different girls and a little heartthrob was forming. 

 

I was a cute lil kid innocent kid with big doughy eyes and a lil, “know it all attitude.” 

 

In time when I  needed a family most nobody was there. You raise yourself on a day-to-day basis and learn from the collection of experiences. It’s almost like a “choose your own adventure” book. You make your story what you want. No parents to guide your adventure so you learn and adapt and survive.

 

My mother was a selfish woman and a “pageant mom,” she always fixated on her looks and obsessed with, aerobics, tan, hair, nails, nice car, etc. she was obsessed with her image.

 

It was a life on the go all over California because of the involvement with my younger sister entering national beauty pageants etc. 

 

All the attention was focused  on her because we “were boys,” “We can handle ourselves.”

 

A kid needs his Mom and Dad. Support and guidance should be a necessity and mandatory when you bring a child into the world. We need and seek attention and nourishment. Helicopter parents are better than no parents at all. 

 

My Mom was married 4 times, so you can see how unstable of an environment that is and why I couldn’t bear witness the domestic abuse etc. 

 

I’ll have to admit she was a hard worker and basically local pioneer for television, in media etc. 

 

I can’t tell you what she started because this is all, ““Anonymous.” She was consistently involved with beauty pageants, therefore, she couldn’t concentrate or pay attention to us boys and a fourth sister was born. 

 

I desperately wanted to live with my Dad because I wasn’t happy anymore and he surprisingly became our Dad again, but what only lasted a measly year!

 

 My Dad was my idol, a real badass. A 3rd degree black belt in Tae Kwon Do, and “the man” at a major movie studios.

 

 I thought that was the coolest thing ever and had the privilege of going on set and screenings, meeting movie stars etc. He put me in films etc. I humbly admit I was in over 5 commercials, 1 National and 4 local. 

 

I also took up Tae Kwon Do like my father, it’s what he wanted and it was cool to have my Dad come help teach the class, it blew my mind. 

 

He was never around much but when he was, my world stopped. I was always lost in happiness when around my father but was also mad at him at the same because I knew it wouldn’t last and he was not always there and failed the marriage to my Mom. He was that type of dad that gives you a, “playboy magazine,” for Christmas etc. and shows up out of nowhere. 

 

Since we only lived with my paternal father for a year, I didn’t really have a father figure.

 

As previously mentioned, my mother was married 4 times. I didn’t have a foundation and a, “pick up and go,” lifestyle and always on the move. “Movers and shakers.” A hustle and bustle life of chaos and madness. 

 

It’s hard being stable when you are raised by; Aunts, Uncles, Grandparents, Mom, and unfortunately the 4 stepfathers. How are you suppose to trust them when you witness e.g., smashing glass beer bottles on their head, punching my Mom in the face, knocking her unconscious and lots of physical force and domestic violence. This is the type of life I was raised around.

 

This unfortunately created a sense of brokenness and the abuse from what family I did have. My mom again was married 4 times maybe on her fifth now? Not sure. 

 

My father was secretly also busting drug houses, pretending to be the DEA etc. A full blown operation. He would steal the DEA wardrobes from a major movie studio set etc. and plan his operation. 

 

He was the “Robin Hood” of criminals and supposedly took drug money and, “burnt the drugs.” He would give some of the money to families in need. 

 

It was just another contributing factor of why we are the way they are. To understand and recognize it.

 

My father being in prison for getting caught led to all sorts of new issues. 

 

My father went to prison for masterminding and robbing major banks with a group of talented criminals like it’s, “fast and furious.” They held hostages etc. My father had an “alias” the whole 9 yards and my world was shook. 

 

He was eventually was caught and sentenced for 12 years in a high security prison. It was a low profile court case to protect many people as well. It was craziness. I was 13. 

 

I found out on my birthday while I was playing Super Nintendo, my mother barges into the room, with a nonchalant attitude and said, 

“Happy Birthday, By the way..Your fathers in prison.” 

 

No empathy whatsoever and life started to really suck. All my 5 senses were dull and black and white, I was losing myself and my interest in being a kid was no more. I became an old soul had to grow up early. 

 

My mental health stems from lifelong sexual harassment, physical and mental abuse, assault and a broken, “Running with scissors,” type of family. 

 

With that being said, I went back and forth from Hawaii, LA, Austin Texas and Chicago.

 

My Grandparents, on my fathers side, retired in Oahu, Hawaii in 1983, the year I was born. I was fortunate to have that option, and who doesn’t want to live in Hawaii?!

 

I lived on my fathers side of family because I was more comfortable with grandparents, and they really cared about me. They we’re always there no matter what. Besides, it’s Hawaii and the ocean can be very  healing. 

 

Since they were in their 70’s, they were enjoying retirement. They travelled the world quite a bit, so I bounced around from, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, etc. 

 

My older brother and sister lived with my Mom, on on her side of the family, so I couldn’t build a solid relationship with my siblings nor Mom. 

 

I don’t know my mothers side of the family all that much either, which is sad.

 

It was tough going to 4 different high schools in 3 different states, so I wasn’t exactly stable, no consistent lifelong friends and no foundation. I was always referred to the, “new kid,” in school. 

 

I went on a pilgrimage to Israel at 17 years old with my grandparents which opened my eyes to world travel and broadened my life a bit. It opened a whole new world on this little big planet we live on. 

 

The high school I was attending didn’t allow a pilgrimage, and I wasn’t going to miss out on the opportunity, so I was fine with that. so I had to go to a different school in the same calendar year. I didn’t want to have to repeat another year, so it was tough. 

 

I wanted to finish high school being what I went through. I didn’t want to end up like my parents or at least have something to be proud of, or follow through with something for a change.

 

My father being in prison led to my becoming more and more of a black sheep, as I was growing into my late teens. I was a little bitter and judgmental of other families living that semi normal lifestyle. I didn’t have that, so why do they attitude. I was insecure with my upbringing. 

 

My senior year of high school, I was referred to as, “Hawaiian Ryan.” Being I came from Hawaii that year. 

I knew what I had to do to become popular etc. and of course did. From hanging jackets on flag poles to doing handstands on moving cars, sports, etc. 

 

I was super vulnerable and sought out attention and lashed out in life having experienced smoking weed, drinking etc. The pure pressures of life. 

 

This leads to a time from when I was 19 years old. 

 

I was working for this cafe and bakery in Hawaii and this pretty hot lady in her late 30’s, whom was as a regular customer, offered me a job at a major cosmetic company with great pay. 

 

She was always very flirtatious and would give me compliments e.g. telling me how cute, good looking I was etc. she knew I could sell a lot of makeup for her and make great money. I accepted her offer and I learned the products etc. I became one of the best at it. 

 

Learning the product etc. evolved into becoming an artist and applying makeup. It was a ‘no brainer’ I was learning from the ladies, etc. I was constantly in there presence and slowly becoming a makeup artist. 

 

The woman whom offered me the job was my regional manager of this major makeup company. What I didn’t know was what would become of this, it was all fucked up. She ended pouncing on me one day in a stock room and we ended up in a scenario where we engaged in some sexual activities and it was super amazing, I was 19!  This led to more and more sex and the connection was on lock.  I was her favorite now and she favored me etc.  Higher pay, carte Blanche at work etc. she was also a married woman. 

 

We were getting close and she was having an affair. She conveyed to me that her husband was an officer of the law, let’s just say that. 

 

It was making me nervous more and more everyday. It was getting out of control and affecting work and raised suspicion. 

 

It was turning into an obsession e.g. I would be working and she would call me, pretend to be someone else, while laying out having cocktails in Waikiki Beach and would request for me. She was the boss, so I could leave and have some fun and get paid. This was a dream.

 

I was always pressured by her and therefore feeling like I could never say no to her or else I’d lose my job. She would have people cover for me and I’d meet her on what was becoming a ‘regular’ basis. 

 

Normally I would almost always be in work appropriate attire. I d meet her and She would take me on shopping sprees for what occasion she invited me out to. 

 

We would play fairy tale, and tell people I was her husband and that we are on vacation blah..blah..

 

We were always playing, “make believe.” This was and started to get to me. It was getting to be a little crazy and beyond out of control. This was happening more than it should have continued.

 

Anyhow, one day while at work, I was assisting this sweet flight attendant and she loved the way I carried my self and my boyish charm, personality, etc. Lets say, “she was impressed.”

 

I was offered a job yet again, she informed that she had a close friend at a high end luxury car dealership, and that I’d be perfect to sell sports and luxury vehicles as well as choppers built from, “the ground up.” I loved it and took her up in her offer and became a top seller. 

 

I left that crazy affair and got away at the right time. Was back to “no more drama.” 

 

Anyhow....Things start to take a turn and and boy I was in for one “wild ride.” The owner of the dealership took a liking to me and started grooming me like a son. 

 

My personality was electric and I felt unstoppable. He made me feel like I was a “somebody.” 

 

I felt special and was always encouraged in every way. He would mold me into a man. After getting to know each other, he had other plans in mind and would trickle bits of information about some underground happenings and he mentioned he had plans big plans for me if I trusted him and the pay was a another level. 

 

He was my role model and mentor and so I listened to him. I’ve never had a real mentor or stable consistent father figure. The owner took me under his wing and I was a “yes man.”

 

I was good at what I did and building such a trusting and great relationship within a 6 month period. 

 

Unfortunately was stuck in “dreamland” I was blindsided and slowly slowly realized I was working for the Devil. 

 

He was a smooth operator, sly and cunning and had a presence. He was cautious and careful on how he ran his operation; running a highend sex trafficking operation and drug ring. 

 

The flight attendant whom referred me was in on the game and transported passengers Kama Aina and paraphernalia. That’s all I know of and not sure if there are more. I also witness and were involved with  let’s just say, people being paid off for protection. 

 

He slowly baited me into the dark underground world of Sex, drugs, money and illegal activities. He slowly taught me how the game works and molded me into a little devil. I’d went through the proper channels and learned the business. 

 

My initiation was to recruit any woman and I’d get 500.00 for convincing woman to take money in exchange for sex. I was being tested. 

 

I didn’t want to let him down. I accepted and saw it as a challenge and I don’t like to fail. I went to a restaurant, Lets just say they are known for, “Their boobs, wings and delightfully tacky outfits.”

 

I was able to follow through and convince this girl to become essentially a “call girl” after carefully instructing her how this would go down. It was a success and all worked out and they would trust me and felt safe with me.

 

The monster was forming and was getting good at it. I had the natural gift of gab and could sell, “Ice to an Eskimo.” 

 

The boss was shocked how it happened so quickly. I was now a little King. I built a network of 6 woman I recruited. I was paid handsomely for my doing and was officially caught up in a, “Gotham City type of world.”

 

The boss would fly me around “all islands” of Hawaii, and accompany older woman for weekends at 3-5 thousand dollars in exchange for sex and quality time. 

 

I took him up on every offer I got. I was loving the feeling of getting pampered, and all I had to do is sleep with said individual and spend some time with them in exchange. 

 

I was getting quite popular and the money was coming in e.g. I would take my call girls to Louis Vuitton and buy them whatever they wanted etc. I was rolling in the dough.

 

I started hanging with night club owners and other prominent pimps in the game. I was making tons of cash and starting to earn respect. 

 

I would go to a famous strip club in Oahu (again everything anonymous) and drop 2,000.00 like it was water. 

 

It was becoming a daily routine. I was introduced to gambling and gambled a thousand here, 5 thousand there and it slowly developed into an obsession. 

 

More and more money, drugs, woman, partying like a rockstar seemed never-ending. 

 

I  have partied with the biggest superstars in sports, major famous celebrities, political figures, etc. I’d send them woman, drugs, you name it, I provided it. I got sucked into a luxurious lifestyle and get like how one would only see in films. and I’d be sent to Vegas for work  and I had the time of my life, think “hangover,” I gambled and partied for a week straight and taking solo limousines to each and every destination as if I were a casino owner, I lived it up. 

 

I was addicted and wanted more and more and greed got the best of me. I lost a great deal of money and was down 40,000 thousand dollars, in which I didn’t have. My goal was to, “win big,” and take the money and run away and start a new life but that Didn’t work out.. 

 

Went back to Hawaii and was being chased down on an Island! I was in a car accident and sideswiped off the highway at over 100 mph, we flipped, prob over 10 times. 

 

I woke up in the hospital as I was rushed by ambulance. My buddy whom was driving my car that evening had to have is leg amputated. I was going through lives like I was a cat. I had an Angel looking over me and reached a point where enough was enough. 

 

I was scared for my life as it flashed before my very eyes, a deadly ending was near..It seemed like a bad nightmare, like the film “final destination and, “death and bad luck” were coming for me. 

 

I felt like I was in a movie or it was all just a bad dream and I needed to wake the fuck up. 

 

What I didn’t know was shit was about to get real again. My place was thrashed and broken into and had received various death threats etc. I had a gun in my mouth at one point and couldn’t deal. Again I had Angels watching over me. 

 

As soon as I had my near death experience, I called one of my Aunts in Los Angeles, and the next day I flew out to, “Start a new life.”

 

I basically hit the “reset” button.

 

My aunt is a powerful woman. I had it made it to Los Angeles, my real home and back. I was living in a high rise in Westwood. We had a doorman, Valet, etc. It was residence to film stars, basketball players, singers, business owners etc. I lived a fabulous lifestyle and Piggy backed off her a bit as she was a VP for a major company.

 

I was living that, “high life,” again but an honest life and a time to start fresh. 

 

Nothing really seems to l last in my life thus far and seems to be a pattern, and not a very good one.

 

It turns out my aunt was a little crazy as well and beyond super controlling, I couldn’t do anything, I was restricted in my own prison. She was a power trip of a woman with anger management issues. 

 

I built up resentment and stole from her and I had gone back to that hustler mentality. I needed money again and that “high” so I did what I do best which was “run away” 

 

It’s the pattern of instability Bestowed upon me and my experiences as a young adult. I didn’t like how I was being treated by Aunt and we argued and disagreed on everything.  I just run away when shit hits the fan, so I did. 

 

I left and went to Chicago where I was born and back to my roots where it all stared, where that “magic happened..”

 

I was looking for work and came across an ad on Craigslist and this was back in 2003 when they had the “personals section” that “w4m” etc. I was 20 years old. 

 

I was addicted to craigslist and I was going to this supposed model shoot, or thought I was. I had gone to an amazing hotel and that should have been a red flag. Again, I was a young and have been through it all already or that was my mentality. 

 

As soon as I got there, I was asked if I would do nude photography. I didn’t know what to think and I was under a lot of pressure. I was being in the moment and eventually swayed by a descent amount of cash to do the nude photography. 

 

Again...Being in the moment, I being 20 years old, was enticed and hypnotized by the generous amount of cash offered, and it would help in getting from, “point A,” to, “point B.”

 

I took the money and that’s when my life changed and spiraled into a tangled web of darkness and “shit got real.” Again!

 

I was out of control. The first time was a nude photo

 

The solo scene was a production setup. I was a soccer player in the scene coming home to take my clothes off and shower. I had to stroke my penis slowly until I ejaculated on camera etc. 

 

The second time was 5 thousand dollars for a scene with me engaging sexual activity with a female and I was flown out to San Diego. 

 

After doing a series of videos, there were a lot mixed emotions which made me feel ashamed and weird but justified it as much as I could for the money.

 

So I justified how easy it was and wanted to live my life, my way and money was that outlet. 

 

I went back to that “hustler mentality.” I learned the art of manipulation and attraction, I had a way with words. 

 

I was telling myself it was wrong but again it was 5-10 thousand dollars. 

 

With that money I was able to travel to Amsterdam and all of london and Italy, Germany Middle East, etc. I had experienced solo travel to try and to find myself, and do what I wanted to do in the process. 

 

I was getting more and more calls from the adult film production company and my cash was getting low. I would go through with it and do another production doubling the amount to 10,000 dollars. They were actually some production value to them. It became a pattern and it sucked me into a dark hole and I was living that underground dark life, yet again. 

 

I ended up doing a total of 8 adult film productions under a pseudo name, thank god. I saved my money, and lots of it in 1 year. I gathered up about 100,000 dollars. 

 

I became popular and gaining attention etc. It was too much and I was living in a hazy fog. I was aloof and let cash,  “the root of all evil” rule me. 

 

I was dangled this short lived lifestyle e.g. being manipulated and blindsided. The drama was Wild I was treated like a rock star, fancy hotels, expenditures, etc. and as hard as it is to admit but I was used and abused, “chewed up and spit out.” 

 

I unfortunately let this consume me with guilt and shame as that cloudy time in my life, I unfortunately acted in 8 porn productions, and still  regret it to this day, it doesn’t go away! It’s permanent unless you buy them off to delete the videos and it ain’t cheap.

 

 I was oblivious and blindsided by the money and was living in the moment not thinking about the future or consequences of such and  like a typical teen would do, “be in the moment,” 

 

This sparked more and more drug use and going back to my old ways; prostitution, pimping with prominent godfathers of that lifestyle. Let’s just say that Documentary, “American Pimps” is one of my unfortunate mentors.

 

I was now a master of manipulation which eventually led to me having and controlling sugar mommas, sugar daddies, convincing woman to solicit sex, and creating a bigger monster from the age of ‘19-21-years-old.’

 

It’s something very difficult to get past and live with and still is. It’s hard for me to forgive myself for what I have done. 

 

 I was able to get it together at 21 as my father was getting out of prison, I left Chicago where I was for a few months to go and see him for the first time in about 12 years! 

 

I didn’t know what to expect or what to think. When I saw him for the first time, I went to go and hug him, and he put his hand out for a handshake. He was pretty much institutionalized and disappointed yet again. 

 

He ended up miraculously getting back into the studios and networking finding old friends etc. he had nothing to worry about upon being released it seemed. Grandparents gave him anything. 

 

I vicariously witnessed his success that year and we just couldn’t compute as a unit and didn’t like the way he treated me nor didn’t like the way he did things. 

 

He had that criminal mentality and could not take the abuse over and over, I was already abused and this was not working out.

 

I was turning into him and didn’t like it. They say the, “Apple doesn’t fall to far from the tree.” 

 

I try to fight it to not become my father but it’s like your destined and everything happens for a reason or (I’d like to think) I refuse to be like him and in denial because I was starting too. 

 

Again, I started a new life and moved to stay with my Aunt in Austin Texas. 

 

She was going through a divorce and custody battle for her kids. She had sold all the ice cream shops she owned. Was never told the reason for the divorce and custody battle but it was a hard time for her. 

 

It was painful to witness and see her suffer. He ended up basically fleeing the country with the kids and they were gone. They fled to Iran like that Sally Field movie, “Not without my daughter.” 

 

My only outlet was the, “girl next door.” We both were a perfect match or so I thought and I was now 21 years old and old enough to drink now. She changed my life for the worst and “Shit got real.” Again!

 

I told her about all of my pain and what I had endured. She pulled out something called “glass” which is a methamphetamine aka “meth” I was only familiar with cocaine at the time. 

 

The first time was actually mind blowing and can see how someone gets addicted and how your mind and body craves it after that first taste. 

 

I spiraled out of control. I was having the time of my life and again blindsided and it was all coming to an end, and I got addicted. 

 

One evening, I had police knocking  at the door. I was informed my aunt had been airlifted to the hospital in Austin, Texas and that she drove her new suburban and at high speeds crashed  into a tree to end her life. 

 

I was on ecstasy when all this was going down, I was rolling hard and had to go to the hospital, that’s another story for later, there are too many.

 

She had fractured her C2 Vertebrae and they had to install a Halo. It’s bolts screwed into the skull and a vest with steel bars, connecting the bars from vest to the head, to stabilize her neck, if that makes sense. 

 

I ended up being her caregiver and taking care of her for about 5 months while using drugs and partying heavily. They gave her lots of pain pills which I was then addicted to opioids. 

 

Shit got out of control again and it was becoming a pattern and toxic AF to my life. I’m usually “all over the place.” 

 

 I had reached out to my Dad to try and give it a shot again and I flew back to Los Angeles. I only stayed with him a month until I found a job. It was best we separated and went our different ways. 

 

I ended up meeting a head executive for basically the biggest Hollywood Movie Studio in the world. I was offered a job yet again. The power of networking and the laws of attraction!

 

I of course took the job, I was back in the game again and working on films! 

 

I started off working in post production and learning the business while filing simple paperwork,  I’d ask a lot questions; I was hungry and wanted to learn the “ins and outs” of the movie industry. 

 

I was now 22 and off to another career and this time I felt good. Back in the game yet again. After a year I was doing well and had been offered the job as a coordinator, basically I got to support senior executives from the president to chairman of the movie studio, “ I was at the top” when your controlling billion dollars of spend for productions, thats a lot of cash!

 

We were doing about 24 films a year with budgets from millions to hundreds of millions. 

 

I did well and ended up becoming a senior coordinator and supporting the executive I met that got me in, in the first place. Shit was about to get real again.

 

At that time I was  23 or 24 years old. I needed a place and he had a mansion in the Hollywood hills with the downstairs floor available, in which I took. It was a 5 million dollar home. 

 

I was now in his household and didn’t know it at the time but he had control and power over me. I didn’t know how any of this worked with someone in his position. 

 

We ended up doing drugs etc. after years and years it got out of control to where I was being sexually harassed on a weekly basis and sometimes daily but he had a big job to do, so wasn’t excessive. 

 

Anyhow, I was stuck and lost and he was attracted to me and he wanted to engage in sexual activity. I’d always defend myself and would always say “no,” I liked my job etc. and I am straight, though I don’t believe in labels. 

 

He continued for months and the pressure and bribing was overbearing. There goes anti bribery policy.. 

 

One day he drugged me and gave me a horse tranquilizer called “Ketamine.” Mixed with 5 ecstasy pills which literally paralyzes you and puts you in something called a “K hole.” Your just “lost in darkness” and “paralyzed” and I was sexually assaulted and couldn’t move but kind of aware at the same, I was being raped. 

 

I almost died that night and were resuscitated and he wouldn’t let me leave the house.

 

 His reputation was on the line and it would get out to public and his position and power would be damaged. 

 

He bribed me again and again and this type of shit continued for for 8 years. He was psychotic and would pretend to have panic attacks and say, “let me suck your dick.” I’ll be able to be calm, please please.” 

 

I was a master of manipulation and he was out manipulating me and kicking my own ass own game at my own game and whenever he wanted too. 

 

He had his hooks on me and I couldn’t do a damn thing about it. It was like he had hypnotized me or had put me under a spell. 

 

The mansion in Hollywood hills that I lived in, was built on an old Indian burial ground. 

 

It was featured on Hollywood’s most haunted homes. You can see labeled bottles of Holy water from the Vatican that were placed carefully around the home. 

 

He called them the “Ghosties with the mosties.” Some ghosts were active particularly on Thursday nights and didn’t believe it and laughed at the thought of it and turned a blind eye.

 

I was wrong, creepy shit happend and maybe starting feeling like the devil was after me. I experienced sleep paralysis quite a bit and didn’t know if it was the drugs or truly the place was haunted. It fucked with my head. I was told a mother and her son were hung. I wish I could tell you more. 

 

Anyhow, I did learn lifelong lessons over the course of those 8 years. I had helped contribute and assist in the overall success of over 120 worldwide films.  which is billions and billions and billions of dollars worth of films, all while doing drugs partying on any set, etc. I wasn’t always engaging but it was a lot because I had the access. 

 

I did however learn the business at the highest level and could even take over their positions, i was that good at my job. 

 

Also very positive experiences and lots of stories e.g. wether it was riding around on a cart with a famous celebrity or taking them to set or riding bikes around the lot. You wouldn’t believe who, smoked weed with comedians, went to playboy’s Midsummer nights Dream parties to hanging with the industry stars at clubs. 

 

I had confidential connections to party favors and  I was a plug, an outlet and access to whatever they wanted 24/7. 

 

I was the Justin Bieber of dealing. I was good looking, exhumed chill vibes, which is a good addition and infectious to any group....I was the Talented Mr. Ripley. 

 

Anyhow, my only way out of the abuse at the studios and being sexually harassed and back to darkness was to hang myself. 

 

I didn’t go into work and kept staying home, I had enough and couldn’t do it anymore and mentally drained. 

 

I purposely forged documents which I fraudulently created and turned them in. I did all this knowing the end result. I didn’t care and they found out and had to let me go because of the sensitivity for the material. 

 

EDIT EDIT EDIT EDIT BELOW 

 

 

 

 

 

 

BELOW 

 

I really didn’t care at that point and I was happy and content to leave a life and career behind in Hollywood and lay low.

 

 I was ecstatic to get out and with

close to 100,000 in my account and no more abuse. Hollywood eats people alive. It can be harmful to your health. 

 

The smart people get away as you want more peace and tranquility as you get older. Maybe a ranch or whatever makes you happy and to live your days out, “the way you want,” in peace beautiful with gardens, horses, animals and getting in touch with Mother Nature which is the most healing, our very own planet! 

 

This is why most millennials are angry, So am I,  I am a tattered soul, but I still find the courage to dig deep and do what is most important in life including but not limited to, saving  our planet. It will not be here for all eternity unless we do something about climate change! If a  16-year-old can make waves, we can make tsunamis and hurricanes! 

 

Getting sidetracked. Anyhow, it was time to start anew life again. The cost of living was high in Southern California and I wanted to stretch my dollar. 

 

I also have the habit of running away from my problems instead of dealing with them. 

 

I packed up and went to Vegas and moved into the palms in a junior suite and in Summerlin. It didn’t last very long, about 6 months . Your money does goes a long way there, unless you gamble which for someone like myself it’s hard not to. 

 

Being in Vegas, I picked up a book called, “Bringing Down the House” A story about counting cards. I went online dove into and became obsessed with learning and even tricks to casino games especially roulette. 

 

I learned the art but was an amateur, you make mistakes and show emotions you shouldn’t show and eyebrows are raised. I thought I would become a professional gambler and try and flip some funds to try and retire or have piece of mind, I was now 31 years old. 

 

After only 3 months I was eaten alive and spent 150,000 in only 3 months and my drinking was out of control. If I would have moderated, I would have been making “sound and just decisions” I was over-indulging and showing off etc. I always had blow aka cocaine on me  and did lines like I was like Tony Montana in Scarface minus the violence! 

 

My grandfather had passed away during my blur of a time in Vegas acting like Hunter S. Thompson on steroids and I was literally on them, heroin, and everything in the book. I have videos etc. it’s pretty wild. I was so drunk one night I spit out Gordon Ramsey’s steak on the floor and danced around the restaurant like I owned it and got the ole 86’er. 

 

I gave it one last chance to go back to a Chicago and reunite with my Mom. I did and packed up my convertible and drove to Chicago! 

 

I ended up renting a house in her neighborhood and met new family on her side for the first time etc. I was in a ok place but with my guard up.

 

After only 3 months and me not liking cold weather and the craziness of everyone being drunks in my family, I left. 

 

Lots of reasons why...My mom loved the bad boys. Her boyfriends are all very abusive and straight up asshole drunks, it was hard for me to witness. Besides it was toxic. I was done with damaging my soul and did not welcome toxic environments. 

 

I literally left my car there and took a flight to Hawaii a week later out to Hawaii in 2015. 

 

This was the first time I saw my grandfathers gravesite and wanted to be there for my grandma etc. 

 

I was now 32-years-old. 

 

I decided to take up real estate and went to school and got my license. I was able to hang my license up and sell homes on “All islands.” 

 

It didn’t last very long such as everything in my life. I just wasn’t happy, I started feeling different and in not a good way. I was losing it and my mind was consuming me and it was terrifying. I was becoming paranoid and my happiness was dissipating by the day and my anxiety getting worse. 

 

I’d go hit surf and hike and snorkel around the island to fight off these crazy feelings, demons, emotions and brokenness. It helped but only for that very moment. 

 

I felt translucent as if anyone can see my inner workings and thoughts. 

 

I was building an insecurity as well as losing my personality and my confidence and self esteem drastically dropped. 

 

I was changing and not for the better. 

 

I carried the burden of extreme guilt for what I have done and gone through. I didn’t know how to wash it all away..I was thinking about my past constantly.

 

I did some serious soul searching until a friend asked if I have ever heard of, “The Pacific Crest Trail?” I vaguely remember it and went to my laptop and did some research and I was hooked. I’d study every lightweight backpack, I’d purchase the best lightweight equipment I.e. sleeping bag, lightweight tent, titanium cooking pots from Mountain Science Research to pocket lightweight stoves. I also bought 6 months of freeze dried foods and even mapped out my trail  from Mexico to Canada. I shipped my packages of food along the trail, since you cannot carry months worth of food. 

 

You learn a lot more being on the trail that you cannot prepare for on the internet. It’s like you can’t learn to drive a car on the internet, you need that “hands on” training.

 

This trail spans 2653 miles and starts from the border of Mexico and ends in Canada. 

 

Wow what a journey this sounded like, I told myself. I feverishly wrote multiple outdoor sporting goods companies, tons of letters looking for sponsorship via telling them my story etc. 

 

Normally the CEO’s would respond from major sporting goods stores. They sponsored me with 5,000 dollars in goods and or equipment donations etc. it restores your faith in humanity. I definitely paid it forward along my journey. I was super grateful and humbled.

 

I do have incredible trekking stories and I’ll write a book about that adventure. 

 

You learn a lot about people and especially about yourself. If your in tune with the world and Mother Nature and respect “it” as well as the laws of nature and universe, you see true authenticity and that humanity isn’t so bad after all and that there are like minded individuals out there that have had a broken upbringing as well and you can relate to many people. 

 

The world begins to slow down and you can “see things” differently. It gives you perspective and a sense of true freedom. All your troubles, cares, and worries are washed away in Mother Nature, good people, weed and shrooms. I was on another adventure yet again....

 

I’m very appreciative and humbled of the good deeds of people and that people actually more than care, they love unconditionally and not let the hustle and bustle of life get to them rather it restores your faith in all of humanity and to understand and value the off the grid lifestyle. We get wiser as we age and find our virtues and ultimately just seek peace and tranquility. One people, One planet. 

 

I prepared months for the PCT. I did everything I was suppose to do in my long obsessive checklist and applied for all the necessary permits etc. I was ready to embark on a new journey and leave the islands. 

 

March of 2015 I took the flight out and got a ride to the Southern Terminal in Campo, San Diego. I was really doing this! I can heal! 

 

It was pretty overwhelming but exciting and crazy at the same time and the spontaneity and adrenaline were in full effect. 

 

I walked the good walk and it was tough the first week but after you get your legs under you, it’s downhill from there. 

 

I was even appointed a, “trail name.” You can never give yourself your own name. Tradition has it that only a fellow Trekkie, give you your name. It usual  pertains to a collection of your experiences and your habits or whatever. Mine was Hammer. I got the name from a random trekker trail name “the goat.” resting under a tree in the shade. He was playing a “fiddle” that’s right a “fiddle” I was in the zone that day and had 2 servings of pancakes and moving about my trek rather quickly while taking it all in. 

 

I trekked 26 miles that day and to a resting destination, called “Mikes place.” A care and worry free hippie trail angel house. The house is fellow trekkers. His land was vast and felt like a rob zombie set. You do wonder if bodies are buried out there in the middle of nowhere. He also had the best party favors and sold to fellow trekkers. 

 

That night I ate a bag of shrooms and stared at the blood moon at 10,000 feet high, was surreal. 

 

I continued on my journey and fought the good fight and doing it with 50lbs on my back while knocking out a marathon a day at 25-30 miles. This is no easy feat. 

 

I will write a book in the future  about my PCT experience later. My experiences on the PCT were unbelievable and sometimes cannot be put into words. 

 

You cannot vicariously live with what our eyes see in Mother Nature. It’s a different feeling when you gaze at the world 3 miles high and truly is super healing and it really does change lives. It should be a requirement and a mandatory journey every American should take. It gives you that hitchhiker guide to the galaxy, tis the “handbook of life.”

 

I trekked 1000 miles of amazingness and not ashamed to say it. I am section hiking” it takes months to finish trail. I’ll finish it again in near future and complete from my last checkpoint. 

 

1000 miles was quite a bit which is still only 5% of the nation. I feel I have done something that nobody can ever take away from me and I’m proud to say that.

 

I got off the trail and contacted a friend. I stayed at a friends in Hollywood and I’m still 31 or 32-years-old and it’s late 2015! 

 

I enjoy nightlife, “carpe noctem, “seize the night.” I went to a bar on sunset blvd in Hollywood and met this lovely lady in her mid 40’s we both ended up talking and within 3 days I was living in her multi million dollar home on manhattan beach strand, probably close to a 10 million dollar home.

 

She is an author of 12 books and owns a company on Wall Street. She has 3 great kids. 9, 15, 17. 

 

She had a an au pair, a fancy word for nanny. etc. 

 

I loved and fantasized for a family like this and all seemed to good to be true. 

 

We decided to go to Vegas and ended up getting married. I got married after this crazy life I had and continuing to have. 

 

What I didn’t know was that shit was about to get real again. When I thought it was too good to be true, it was. She was from Australia. I was conned into marriage, it allows her passage and her and her kids a green card, so her kids don’t have to go back to Australia and didn’t have to attend private schools. The  cost of private schools in Manhattan Beach are astronomical. Anyhow, I was in a predicament. 

 

It turns out besides the schooling, I was basically there to take care of the kids and be a stay at home husband. I also wanted kids of my own and she already had 3 and late in the game, we parted ways and filed for annulment. 

 

I find myself back to starting all over again. I went to a friends in Long Beach and stayed there until I started another damn adventure!

 

I was offered a job in Costa Mesa at a retirement senior care living home. It was a humbling experience and almost believe this was my lesson from my grandfather to understand what we go through as we age etc. Not being there for my grandfather like I should have taught me a valuable lesson. 

 

The stories you hear from the elderly are incredible and can ground you, you master the art of simply listening because boy do they have a lot to say. It’s a humbling experience. 

 

 I was broken at the time and mentally unstable and it brought a lil joy to me to help and be there for them. You start to wise up at some point. 

 

After seeing patients in hospice and witnessing the overwhelming feeling of a loss. It weighed on me heavily. I feel I did my due diligence and was a great lesson in life and it was ready to move on to the next chapter. 

 

I am now 33 and it’s 2016. 

 

I moved to a luxurious apartment complex in Newport Beach and down to my last 10,000. 

 

I partied and did steroids and going back to my old ways. I was starting to get out of control yet again. 

 

I ended up meeting a woman whom truly cared for my well being and unconditionally supported and loved me. She wanted me to get away from drugs and partying and help with my mental issues that were becoming obvious. I love her and she loves me, she is my angel.

 

She thought it was a good idea I tag along with her for 6 months overseas.  She was a graduate at FIDM, the Fashion Institute of Design and Marketing. She got an internship in Hackney, London. I had nothing going on in my life at that moment and since we were now exclusive, I went. It made sense!

 

It was all to perfect and went about this magical journey. We got an amazing place in Notting Hill London in the bureaus of Kensington and Chelsea. 

 

We literally lived across the street from the famous Hyde park where Kensington palace is. 

 

We ended up using Notting Hill as our central hub and had the one to travel throughout the United Kingdom. We travelled to Paris, Scotland, Ireland, Istanbul turkey, Italy and all over London in 6 months. 

 

Shit was about to get real again, it’s been my M.O. - “Shits about to get real.” 

 

One night we went to a speak easy and lived it up! We had drinks with the owner etc. It was a drunken bash. Anyhow, To exit, you must walk down steep metal stairs. 

 

My girlfriend fell down every stair and I could not save her, it was so quick and a very scary moment. She was busted up and knocked out all her upper teeth and lip was basically hanging off.

 

In the midst of this horrific accident , while awaiting an ambulance,  someone thought I had beat her up or something of that nature. 

 

Again, It happened all to fast and being inebriated didn’t help. I ended up in a scuffle and it was 1 on 3. There just so happened to be an undercover police officer arresting someone else. They Intervened at the right time. I was charged with manslaughter and assault and for fighting an officer among other things.  she was pretty much knocked out and weary so she couldn’t defend me. 

They went off the word of some British hooligans and they didn’t want to listen to what I had to say. 

 

It was quite possibly one of the worst times in my life and I been through some serious shit! To be taken away to and put behind bars in another country was a feeling of haplessness.I was taken to charring cross police station. 

 

 I was innocent, I didn’t do  a damn thing. I had to get a solicitor which is an attorney. 

 

I told them every detail of what happened. My girlfriend was still under the care of the hospital. I couldn’t believe this was all happening. 

 

I knew she would remember and tell them what really happened. After painfully waiting what felt like a lifetime, she confirmed and it matched my story. Although it was confirmed, I had to go to court. I couldn’t have contact with her until  they completed the  investigate and look at the closed caption cameras etc. 

 

They literally took a month and I feel it was intentional because we were American and Donald Trump was up for election. They said he’s a joke and they didn’t care for him and America is not the same, etc. I Brice they took it out on us and I couldn’t interfere whatsoever as it is ‘obstruction of justice.’

 

She had months of appointments etc. for her injuries that she sustained which were pretty critical. I seemed to always be in the wrong place at the wrong time and always seems to be a perfect shit storm of events. 

 

Europe was coming to an end as our Our Visas were expiring. 

 

We flew  back to CA not knowing where we would live and so we ended getting a place in a high rise on the beach in Long Beach. 

 

We had a routine and I was still depressed and fighting off mental health etc. 

 

It was a whirlwind of a year and we threw parties etc. Some of my friends love to party and there would constantly be cocaine and other paraphernalia and what seemed to be an unlimited amount. 

 

I have an addictive personality and so I couldn’t stop. My past was creeping back in and I was keeping it from my girlfriend too, it’s hard to do but I did but you can only hide it for so long. In the end, we all get caught.

 

It became a problem and I lost her she wanted to take a break and so I respected her wishes.

 

I got back into bullshit and got on steroids again  and moved to Palm Springs. I would became an escort  again and back to my past. 

 

Back to my M.O. “Shit got real,” It’s like the energizer bunny and has become a sad relapse and routine.

 

I ended up on heroin in Los Angeles and losing everything.

 

It is now 2018 and I am 35 years old  and living in skid row on Los Angeles and hanging out at the tents and looking for my next fix. 

 

I had been resuscitated 2 times and dying slowly. Thinking constantly and not shutting down and letting my past and my demons take over and get the best of me and all of my symptoms have exacerbated to a severe level. 

 

I still had fight in me and value my life and I knew something more is out there and wanted to recover and reclaim my life, or it was over. my lady once again, came to my rescue. 

 

I hired a life coach and I got clean. 

 

We got rid of the  Maserati and BMW and traded it for a Mercedes SUV, and we decided to pack up the car and embark on a journey around America.

 

We ended up staying and visiting exactly 29 states (just mapped it out) and I embarked on yet another journey. We took a 1 year long road trip and used Air BNB along the way. We road tripped it! It was absolutely incredible. I’ll save the stories for my future books or story. 

But to some up a bit of it - It was a year of Air BNB’s great cocktails, fine dining and city tours and a smidgeon of glamming. It was an entire years roadtrip. 

 

We are now back and it’s 2019 and I am now 36 and currently at an undisclosed location in California. 

 

Due to the collection of experiences my journey has taken me, I have endured life with battling mental health issues and trapped in my own head.

 

personally really never have been able to shut my mind off even while listening to others, I’m thinking constantly and multi-tasking while multiple thoughts travel through my head and I am having a conversation all at once. 

 

All this shit is over bearing and so I have the “fuck it” attitude. It’s excruciating not being able to shut down constant thoughts and I find myself numerous times a week or even day going back to my past; “The detrimental unpleasantries of life bestowed upon me.” In essence, the synonym of what you would say is, “bad luck” or “a curse.”

 

My subconscious plays uncanny tricks and me and exhumes past experiences. 

 

 I dwell on trying to change an outcome that is downright impossible and it’s sad and uncontrollable and creates a sense of hopelessness and makes anyone feel desolate, lonely, depressed and downright isolated. 

 

You are mentally weighed down and it feels like your under water fighting to swim to the top gasping for air. 

 

The struggle is always slower than molasses going uphill, and feels like a lifetime but you have to ‘chip away’ at it. 

 

You can try and forget but its not easy to walk that hard walk and it’s not healthy to fight your thoughts constantly, but as we say, life can be a son of a bitch! 

 

I still have some  issues from time to time and routine habits of trying to block out bad memories and replace them with fabricated ones. 

 

I know I shouldn’t do that but cant stop it and in the long run we can’t hide or run from ourselves. 

 

I had tried it all and have even tried  hypnotizing myself or trying to psych my mind out and ingrain a fake memory. 

 

The mind is capable of more than we know. 

 

Advancements in technology are happening every day. Anything’s possible whether it’s medicine or western medicine. 

 

We can also use or learn the art of the laws of attraction - we all do in some form of way e.g. When we want something bad enough we make sure we obtain it. We already envisioned it and it comes to fruition. 

 

Changing a simple thought or writing it out can be very healing thus increasing and strengthening your mental state.

 

Lets eliminate the bad feelings and let it out and concentrate on happiness and what’s most important to you.

 

It’s as simple as setting weekly or daily goal for yourself, wether it’s taking a walk, cooking, exercising, washing the dishes, doing horrible laundry, taking out the trash, looking up at the sky, giving yourself a compliment, walking your dog or hear reading this very story. 

 

There are many variables of taking a step to achieve your, “small step for mankind and a giant leap for your future.” Thanks Neil Armstrong” 

 

We can’t all have everlasting happiness and the world we live in can unfortunately be a dark place, we are not perfect. 

 

We find what works for us and live in our comfort zone and strive to be the best we can be in everyday life.

 

We have a purpose and should be thankful for each day god grants us because some aren’t so fortunate.

 

I wake up and choose to be happy these days and not everyday is a good day but just being alive is what matters and to fight another day. 

 

I welcome daily goals and challenges, we all have them and if not, we can start, it’s never too late, ever. 

 

Sometimes we don’t want to wake up but we know we have a purpose no matter what, even if we feel like we are not contributing to the world we are in some way or another. We are here on this planet together, aren’t we? Well, some are on mars but that’s ok, that’s what makes us all so special and unique. 

 

We can all fly over the cuckoos once in awhile but it’s how we choose to deal with it when that challenge presents itself and you take from it and learn from it. If you can’t or don’t and your intentions are pure or lost motivation, that’s fine too, your still not alone. 

 

Sounds cliche but we all strive to shoot for the moon but if we miss, we are still amongst the stars. 

 

Sometimes we will fall off the map completely and lock ourselves in our own world and you feel like it’s , “Groundhog Day.”

 

You feel like nothing will change. If you do nothing about it that’s fine and sometimes simple passing of time can in some instances heal however “Nothing changes, if nothing changes.” 

 

A battle I’m enduring and have for quite some time is kind of like the, “butterfly effect;” changing my bad experiences or trying to block them out and replacing them with something fabricated and positive.

 

I’m aware and living in a false sense of past realities and you start to question yourself; “This is what I could have done differently? Why am I like this? What would I have become or  have been, or why me? What could I have done to deserve this? Why was I so naive and gullible? Why did I not fight back then? Why do I feel broken? Why this, that and the other and the beat goes on. 

 

I think we all truly understand how to deal and addressing the issue head on and heal in some way or another. Our life issues need be lessons or it can consume you however, easier said then done. 

 

After this long crazy life and living la vida loca.  The journey along the way, was..has..and will always be a learning experience until my times up. 

 

I have learned many lessons along the way and still am. I have tackled many obstacles and can now move forward and cope with everyday life although, I have some bad days I still want to keep moving forward and fighting for “me.” 

 

 Reality is now really setting in. I Still have many issues that have compounded further, so I sought  out help and writing this. 

 

I’m an now clean over a year and on medication as of last month. I feel great and still didn’t have a purpose until now. I’m still with my girlfriend and we are thriving together. 

 

Talking about it works for me and I’m able to share my story with you and help fight the battle on mental awareness.  I would love to be an advocate, a voice to anyone anywhere in the world. 

 

It’s about keeping on moving forward and finding that, “silver lining.”

 

I am still currently taking on life challenges as always in my world. I have started a new life yet again. Its not easy at all but I feel pretty good this time. 

 

I am living with the guilt of what I have done and what’s been done to me and why I let this go on!? Because of life changing decisions I have made, karma is a bitch. My past has caught up to me and  it still takes a toll and weighs on me heavily. 

 

My past is forever ingrained on my forehead I guess or I’m really a fool and it seems my path has been sexually driven.  I don’t mind at all but when it’s not welcomed, it’s different. In all modesty, being an attractive young man I was a target, eye candy, and was harassed more than one needs be harassed. 

 

Anyhow, it seems all I have is ME and that’s not true. People care and I have a supportive best friend that’s been there the past few years. Other than that I have nobody else to fight the great fight with but sharing my story allows me to fight with you all. 

 

I have been written off by my family or what family I had and just abandoned. I need let go and move forward but easier said then done so this is my healing letter to the world and myself. 

 

I want to assist in anyone help lead a better life and address our underlying issues and liberate any and all past experiences that have tattered anyone’s soul and to move forward with a purpose to keep breathing and taking it a, “day at a time.” 

 

Anyone can help change the conversation on mental health issues and change the world. 

 

Speaking out about mental health is a daunting task and can be beyond overwhelming for anyone. You feel as if it were near impossible at times and the weight of the universe is holding you down. 

 

Sometimes we think through things different then what we are able to convey, “speaking from personal experience.” I can write better than I speak or maybe opposite, I’ll call it a “draw.”

 

Just Writing down how you feel even if it were a, “single letter” 

or a, “number” or a “sentence.” Anything that means something to YOU. 

 

Find a happy place. Something you can ALWAYS go back to to bring a smile on your face. Sounds cliche but think, “Peter Pan.” finding his place in Neverland. 

 

I find that almost anything can be therapeutic if you let your mind free  and can do that by telling our story and letting go. 

 

Life is and can be very rewarding with anything you conquer, thus also increasing the serotonin and dopamine levels in the brain naturally and getting that, “high on life” 

 

Simple breathing by just inhaling deeply and exhaling slowly can activate something called  the “para sympathetic nervous system.” 

 

This is responsible for regulating the body’s stimulation to everything sympathetic, peripheral and enteric nervous system, it happens unconsciously and is know as; “autonomic nervous system.”

 

This is why we feel the feelings we feel and or when we are in, “fight or flight mode” or when your body tells you, “your hungry” etc. I think you get the point..

 

Although it may not be a permanent fix, it adds another defense mechanism and helps with coping with mental illness or any problem or issue of any sorts. 

 

I believe it helps subside any of my symptoms and can outweigh the bad at times and I’m fine with that, as long as I’m not taking steps backwards, the day is a success if I’m clean and sober. 

 

I want to shine a little light or bring some level of happiness in the process of closure and moving forward by having shared my story. I am able to still find purpose after a domino effect of craziness and chaos. 

 

It’s not easy for anyone fighting mental illness and to put your life back together is an epic achievement. It helps put your life into perspective. It helps give us a sense of self worth and contribution to the world. 

 

The road is not easy and it doesn’t happen overnight and so we take our time, and at ‘our own pace’ put back our puzzle of life, “PEACE by piece.” 

 

It’s so overwhelming and almost fearful of accepting the challenge and seeking help. 

 

Once we break down our walls and barriers, we begin to construct and build our life one step, one thought, one hour or one day at a time. 

 

Conveying my story to the world and in the process; Help heal and retrieve what we once had, that “wholesome feeling.”

 

We need let go of the ‘past’ and any association of ‘negativity’ that trigger bad memories, experiences or events that have molded or changed your life in a way you haven’t imagined or expected. 

 

We can all fall and succumb to a habitual routine of bad habits and dwell on the unpleasant things of life without even knowing it, and this can lead to many things including feeling isolated and lonely and we feel as if nobody understands. 

 

This is why we are so disconnected with the world and stuck in our own world of organized chaos. 

 

I can only relay all this due to my personal experiences that I know have changed me and made me who I am today. 

 

I still have relapses and sometimes feel weird or hollow or being insecure about being judged etc. “You know, that a sense of paranoia.” 

 

I had to deal with being so uncomfortable for many years and it’s worse when your consumed and trapped in your own head. 

 

That was enough to conjure up thoughts of suicide and not wanting to live anymore because that feeling of waking up every day is more and more painful each and every day. 

 

You lose that spark in your eye and can’t even make eye contact with anyone or wanna speak to anyone. 

 

Your interests are decimated and hobbies are lost and the color of life has been washed in grey and black. 

 

Sometimes I can’t  even muster up the courage to do basic simple tasks. Nobody should ever have to feel so restricted to your own self, it’s terrifying and you still feel like nobody understands. 

 

Well, we are not alone because some do. It’s me, it’s you!

 

We all need come together and emphasize the importance of support and to help-more than just myself.  I am just another adding to the ‘movement of mental health’

 

I am here for anyone that’s going through this, and I’m sure I speak on behalf of many people. 

 

I am now trying to embrace and speak up about mental health and not let it control my life rather, “I,” or, “we,” control it. 

 

Speaking up gives us an outlet and it helps us relate to one another, it’s a bond, a strength and we never give up! 

 

Grab a book or maybe start sharing your story. You can help. Try it and be YOU. 

 

Part of the journey of life is to understand ourselves just a smidgeon more and to make a positive impact in our everyday lives.

 

Help me help you battle and endure the process and path to enlightenment or at least, “relate,” and not feel like you can’t talk about it because we can it’s our 1st amendment right “freedom of speech.” 

 

We can beat this and if your having a difficult time and if you feel you can’t or don’t have the strength, someone will always be happy to pick you back up and help. 

 

Writing it down or express yourself the way you know works best for you which can not only give you, “a voice” but can help you and many people deal with our everyday battles and they don’t have to be battles. 

 

Remember our story is the gift to the people’s of the world. 

 

For example: If it wasn’t for us, therapists wouldn’t exist. They have, “the privilege” to listen and help us understand what we go through and provide medication to help balance us out one appointment at a time, and give us “piece of mind.”

 

We are special and unique, so never forget that!

 

Truly know that there is ALWAYS someone somewhere in the word that’s more than happy to lend an ear or a hand or just sit in silence with you. 

 

The power of presence is special and listening and talking is an art form and can help paint your beautiful picture and bring color and purpose back to our precious lives.

 

Due to everything that I have been through, it has compounded more issues. 

 

I can be super fidgety and forget what I’m doing and just scattered. 

 

 e.g. I’m in the kitchen and go to open the drawer but don’t because I want to get something else, I then shuffle my feet ‘back and forth’ and  head back to the drawer etc. cannot focus. 

 

Im so distracted as if I am an absent minded professor and cannot make simple decisions and it cycles and I get the task done but in a caddy-wompus way. 

 

It’s extremely uncomfortable and you end up getting paranoia because you feel like someone is watching you. 

 

It’s like when smoke that first joint or take that first bong rip or come off a crazy trip rolling and the feeling of the “comedown.” The high does not last forever,  “what goes up must come down.” 

 

Some people can moderate and some people have addictive personalities and can’t control it. 

 

I feel as if I am mindful and know what I need to do, but my mind won’t work with my body and I can’t compute.

 

I also know that medication helps subside it a little here and there and moments or glimpses of normality and peace and tranquility if I consistently take my meds on a regular basis. 

 

My mind won’t stop racing and I have scattered memories without the medication. The meds balance me out and gives me piece of mind. I can now cope and deal with the unpleasant things of life, and to not dwell and feel sorry for myself. 

 

Anyhow, I still do get crazy anxiety that does hit lows and extreme crippling highs. 

 

I find myself daydreaming and flashes of my torturously painful past flash before my very eyes. 

 

Nobody’s perfect but to at least know how you work and understanding YOU more is something I can live with. 

 

I’m still fighting this good fight and relapse with coping every now and then.

 

 Writing this down and sharing this was not easy either and was very hard for me and draining but if I can help anyone having similar experiences, I have done my purpose. 

 

I am a voice and can relate to anyone feeling alone, sad, lonely, desperate, pain, grief, sorrow, guilt, anger, or any past that has changed your course of life. 

 

I just have to battle my issues like an MMA fight. Every breathing moment.

 

The process is challenging and a damn patient journey and if we want it bad enough we are the reward that stems from blood, sweat and tears. 

 

Either beat this or going back to using again in which I can again proudly say I’m 1 year 1 month sober from smoking opium and heroin. 

 

Again, it’s not easy, so it’s hard to not go back and that’s why I’m seeking to talk about this, so that I can kill 2 birds with 1 stone. 

 

“Help ME, Help YOU.” We can put closure to our past and move forward to a bright and successful future and to feel valued and to contribute to the world as a proud american or whatever country you live in. 

 

Although I have so much past history, I am great at not letting anyone know and putting up a miraculous fisaud but that’s not how we should do things or how I do things anymore. I talk about how I’m feeling do I don’t hold it all in. 

 

I feel like I am as translucent as a jelly fish and let it all out and proud to be me. 

 

I am 36 now and know that I’m excited for what the future holds although it can be very uncomfortable on the inside, you gotta push through and breathe. 

 

I can sometimes still clench at the thought of social activities when it was the opposite and what I thrived on and was always the center of attention and life of the party. 

 

Anyhow, my past still haunts me and it’s all really fucked up and I can elaborate in my next story, as it seems to be a long list of them. 

 

Its my duty to share my life  with you and help to convey a positive message and that we never give up no matter what. 

 

I hope this lil glimpse of insight can help at least 1 person maybe understand themselves a lil better and to know your not alone. 

 

We all have a purpose and to serve and be the collection of experiences on this journey.

 

If I can pass on to anyone going through anything in life, I’m happy. 

 

God Bless and keep fighting the good fight even when shit gets real, just fight back! 

 

A penny can be used, bent, scratched, beveled, worn, chipped, but it will always have the same value as a brand new shiny penny. 

 

Although some go through more than others, we are still valued and just as important as anyone else. 

 

Thank you for your time, I’m still fighting and so can you. 

 

Until next time..

 

PEACE, LOVE AND LIGHT.


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